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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His comment when the bill came ....

332 replies

mrprott · 15/05/2024 13:54

I went in a date recently.
I was a little anxious before hand about the discomforts of f the bill situation but was and am adamant about splitting bills on dates bar coffees or waters etc.
I knew midway through meal that he was a test so decided to enjoy rest of meal and put it down to experience.
I suggested at the end we call for the bill. It came. He looked at it , sat back on his chair and with a swerve of his hand pointing at the bill said ..'do you want me to pay for this or what ?' In a really nonchalant voice ..
I nearly died 😂🤣🙈
I was so shocked at how he spoke to me.... this boastful, popular , millionaire( his words ? with his jaguar and photos of his palatial spread ....
The waiter caught sight of this and got awkward and left ..
I said of course we're splitting it but in my fifty years of living on this earth, I have never been asked anything like this in such a way and I was mortified.
He didn't understand this at all???
Shrugged his shoulder and that was that ..
AIBU ?

OP posts:
MonsteraMama · 15/05/2024 14:42

I don't get it. If you didn't discuss splitting the bill beforehand why is him nonchalantly asking if he's covering it mortifying?

Ok he sounds a bit of a pompous knob, but surely just a laugh and "oh that's kind but no thanks, let's split it" is all that's needed? Or am I missing something?

stayathomer · 15/05/2024 14:44

He does sound like a test😉 but to be fair when we’re looking eg at first dates I do kind of feel for men at this part because the woman is secretly waiting for him to offer so they can turn him down and say they’ll split it/ allow him to pay. There’s fury generally when he acts shocked by the amount or he asks to split. I wouldn’t love it if I were a man!!!

JenniferBooth · 15/05/2024 14:46

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/05/2024 14:08

Did you make any move to get your own purse out when the bill arrived or just sit on your hands looking expectant? If the latter than I don’t think he was unreasonable to be a bit curt - it was rude of you not to even make an attempt or suggestion that you might go halves at that point and therefore come across as assuming it would be a free meal. He probably gets the same assumption from many women and is a bit fed up of it.

Edited

Well if hes allowed to assume all women are the same then women are allowed to assume all men are the same right? And that they would all cheat at the drop of a hat

ICanFixHim · 15/05/2024 14:47

He sounds like a prick but you'd already worked that out. He was rude but your post is incredibly dramatic.

wavingfuriously · 15/05/2024 14:48

He was throwing it over to you because of equality, knowing some women don't like to feel indebted. Probably some previous women didn't like it when he paid for everything

ohthejoys21 · 15/05/2024 14:50

If he thought you were for him, he would never have asked the question just dealt with the bill. But he didn't and was being rude because he just didn't care.

Twat.. lucky escape for you there.

Neverdo · 15/05/2024 14:52

Does no one else think the fact that OP asked for the bill is relevant?

She'd asked for it and didn't do anyhting with it. How else was he supposed to find out what she intended?

seedsandseeds · 15/05/2024 14:52

ohthejoys21 · 15/05/2024 14:50

If he thought you were for him, he would never have asked the question just dealt with the bill. But he didn't and was being rude because he just didn't care.

Twat.. lucky escape for you there.

You base your worth on whether men pay for you to eat or not? Bizarre.

seedsandseeds · 15/05/2024 14:52

Neverdo · 15/05/2024 14:52

Does no one else think the fact that OP asked for the bill is relevant?

She'd asked for it and didn't do anyhting with it. How else was he supposed to find out what she intended?

I agree. She said she asked for the bill then changed it to he asked.

Rubbishconfession · 15/05/2024 14:55

seedsandseeds · 15/05/2024 14:52

I agree. She said she asked for the bill then changed it to he asked.

Show quote history

No, she didn't say she asked for the bill. She said "I suggested at the end we call for the bill. It came." So she suggested they get the bill, and he must have then asked the waiter for it.

ohthejoys21 · 15/05/2024 14:56

When I was dating I always asked to split the bill but found that not one man would accept me paying my share even after insisting. It's old fashioned yes but I guess it depends on whether they're able to or not.

Dh and I took out a single girlfriend of mine the other day. It wouldn't have occurred to dh not to cover her.

seedsandseeds · 15/05/2024 14:57

I don't really see the difference in regards to the point being made. She brought up the bill then made no mention of paying when it came. Of course he's going to ask

ohthejoys21 · 15/05/2024 14:58

"You base your worth on whether men pay for you to eat or not? Bizarre."

Who said anything about my worth? This was dinner not anyone's worth.

seedsandseeds · 15/05/2024 15:00

ohthejoys21 · 15/05/2024 14:58

"You base your worth on whether men pay for you to eat or not? Bizarre."

Who said anything about my worth? This was dinner not anyone's worth.

You claim you deem someone to care and like you only if they pay for your dinner. So you're basing your worth on a man paying for you to eat.

Rubbishconfession · 15/05/2024 15:03

ohthejoys21 · 15/05/2024 14:50

If he thought you were for him, he would never have asked the question just dealt with the bill. But he didn't and was being rude because he just didn't care.

Twat.. lucky escape for you there.

Men who insist on paying the bill don't necessarily value the woman they're paying for.

And lots of men are tight and will still pursue the woman even after she's paid the bill.

Wishimaywishimight · 15/05/2024 15:05

He sounds like a bit of an arse with the boasting. As you were clearly not going to see him again I would have been tempted to say "Cheers, thanks" and grabbed my coat and left.

Tospyornottospy · 15/05/2024 15:07

SherlockHomies · 15/05/2024 14:38

Are you sure it wasn’t because you took a long while to get your purse out when the bill came?

That would make sense if so.

Sherlock has solved this mystery, IMO

the etiquette is to immediately reach for your purse on a date, to make it clear at once that you are willing to pay your half. It’s understandable that people get pissed off if it looks like you assume they will pay. Usually you’re batted away with “I’ll get this”.

if I were a man I would never pay for someone who wasn’t clearly offering to split!

he sounds like a total twat for all his bragging but I don’t think he’s wrong here.

ohthejoys21 · 15/05/2024 15:13

Seedsandseeds

"You claim you deem someone to care and like you only if they pay for your dinner. So you're basing your worth on a man paying for you to eat."

Where have I said I only deem someone to care and like me if they pay? I said that was probably how HE felt, not me! Wasn't going to see her again so why pay. Charming.

When my ds was dating I told him to always pay irrespective of if he saw a second date or not. Maybe not feminist just polite and how I've raised him I hope.

seedsandseeds · 15/05/2024 15:17

ohthejoys21 · 15/05/2024 15:13

Seedsandseeds

"You claim you deem someone to care and like you only if they pay for your dinner. So you're basing your worth on a man paying for you to eat."

Where have I said I only deem someone to care and like me if they pay? I said that was probably how HE felt, not me! Wasn't going to see her again so why pay. Charming.

When my ds was dating I told him to always pay irrespective of if he saw a second date or not. Maybe not feminist just polite and how I've raised him I hope.

You did.

Not only misogynistic but misandry too. Nice.

LookAtAllThoseRoses · 15/05/2024 15:18

Well, I'm still waiting to know whether his tone and body language about the bill were 'nonchalant' or 'obnxious', which are not at all the same thing, and the OP has claimed both at different points.

Testina · 15/05/2024 15:18

“Dh and I took out a single girlfriend of mine the other day. It wouldn't have occurred to dh not to cover her.”

@ohthejoys21 so you took her out? Not you mutually agreed to meet? Sure, if it’s your invitation it might be appropriate to pay. But if it was just a joint decision to go out, I’d find that really patronising. Doubly so as it’s your friend not his.

Ohwellithappens · 15/05/2024 15:19

I find it really annoying when a man suggests going for dinner, picks a place, takes control of the menu " please choose whatever you would like" then it's halves when the bill comes.
If a guy is going on so many dates that he can't afford to pay the bill in a restaurant he has chosen then maybe he should be more selective.
As for Revolut, that's a red flag, yes it's convenient but as one serial cheater told me it's a way to stop your wife seeing what you are spending on a joint account. And there used to be a free membership to Tinder included for free...

ohthejoys21 · 15/05/2024 15:23

Testina

"ohthejoys21 so you took her out? Not you mutually agreed to meet? Sure, if it’s your invitation it might be appropriate to pay. But if it was just a joint decision to go out, I’d find that really patronising. Doubly so as it’s your friend not his."

I can't even remember who asked who just a mutual arrangement. Not patronising in the slightest. Dh and I were away when we got friendly with a divorced woman.. went out for lunch and dh paid for her even though she offered.. normal!

Ohwellithappens · 15/05/2024 15:23

ohthejoys21 · 15/05/2024 14:56

When I was dating I always asked to split the bill but found that not one man would accept me paying my share even after insisting. It's old fashioned yes but I guess it depends on whether they're able to or not.

Dh and I took out a single girlfriend of mine the other day. It wouldn't have occurred to dh not to cover her.

@ohthejoys21 agree.

ohthejoys21 · 15/05/2024 15:25

Ohwellithappens

Thank you!