Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His comment when the bill came ....

332 replies

mrprott · 15/05/2024 13:54

I went in a date recently.
I was a little anxious before hand about the discomforts of f the bill situation but was and am adamant about splitting bills on dates bar coffees or waters etc.
I knew midway through meal that he was a test so decided to enjoy rest of meal and put it down to experience.
I suggested at the end we call for the bill. It came. He looked at it , sat back on his chair and with a swerve of his hand pointing at the bill said ..'do you want me to pay for this or what ?' In a really nonchalant voice ..
I nearly died 😂🤣🙈
I was so shocked at how he spoke to me.... this boastful, popular , millionaire( his words ? with his jaguar and photos of his palatial spread ....
The waiter caught sight of this and got awkward and left ..
I said of course we're splitting it but in my fifty years of living on this earth, I have never been asked anything like this in such a way and I was mortified.
He didn't understand this at all???
Shrugged his shoulder and that was that ..
AIBU ?

OP posts:
IReallyStillCantBeBothered · 15/05/2024 17:33

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/05/2024 14:08

Did you make any move to get your own purse out when the bill arrived or just sit on your hands looking expectant? If the latter than I don’t think he was unreasonable to be a bit curt - it was rude of you not to even make an attempt or suggestion that you might go halves at that point and therefore come across as assuming it would be a free meal. He probably gets the same assumption from many women and is a bit fed up of it.

Edited

You’re reaching here, none of what you’ve said here justifies the way he asked. There are better ways to ask if you and your date should split the bill but somehow you’re all caught up with trying to explain and excuse his rude behaviour.

OP made it clear she expected to split the bill with him and her issue is the way he spoke to her not that she was disappointed that he didn’t pay for her.

NonPlayerCharacter · 15/05/2024 17:43

WombatChocolate · 15/05/2024 17:15

I don’t think there was probably anything wrong…..it sounds as if the date hadn’t gone that well anyway…..or OP was it going well as far a you were concerned before that.

So, if date has been mediocre/poor especially, when the man is given the bill, I can see how they might feel a bit irritated if there’s any suggestion they will be paying it all. It could well be that in the past women on dates have assumed that. It could be that a woman (OP) not having purse out indicates a possible suggestion that the man will pay.

So, his phrasing wasn’t great. But it’s unlikely such phrasing would have been used if this had been a great date and things had been going really well between them. And even if it hadn’t been great, this probably wouldn’t have been used if OP already had her purse out. But if neither of these was the case, regardless of wealth, I can see why someone who has many dates and always feels expected to pay, might get a bit weary and offhand when bills come.

On one level, men can’t win. Women say they want to split the bill. However, many women (including those on this thread) do expect the man to pay or at least to offer. That expectation is there in lots of people and men know it. And lots of women (like OP) say they expected to pay, but didn’t make it clear before ordering or before the bill arrived….only after the bill arrived and after the man had had to say something first.

So actually I think Op could have helped the situation. She could have said upfront that she’d like to split or at the point the bill was asked for. Instead, it seems like a bit of a test was actually going on - would he offer to pay or not. It seems this was the point when OP decided he was a twat and nothing particularly beforehand.

Fine if she doesn’t want to see him again. No-one has to go on a second date, but I think that this thing about splitting bills, when to discuss it, it feeling awkward etc and actually the often unspoken expectation men will pay or at least offer enthusiastically (which gives women a chance to be paid for) is there….and a bit annoying when women SAY they always want to split, but don’t actually demonstrate this in a timely fashion to be meaningful.

So, if date has been mediocre/poor especially, when the man is given the bill, I can see how they might feel a bit irritated if there’s any suggestion they will be paying it all.

Blame the waiter, he put it in front of the man. Rightly or wrongly, this does seem to be what happens in upmarket restaurants even in 2024. Anyone who's not a twat will realise this wasn't OP's fault and if they want to split, will say something like "I hope it's OK to go halves" rather than turning the whole thing into a show of how You Won't Get One Over On Me, Woman!

theworldie · 15/05/2024 17:47

I don’t really care about being polite or the modern way or whatever.

The op’s scenario would totally put me off a man and that’s why Ive ended up with a very generous dh - he made it clear from the first date he wanted to romance me and always offered to pay, even though I sometimes insisted I pay - I like the old fashioned way I’m afraid!

A man will want to impress you if he’s into you and I can’t abide tightness - dealbreaker for me.

utilitarianism · 15/05/2024 17:52

I'll be the first to admit I'm old-fashioned, but if a man suggested we go to a restaurant, I'd expect him to pay unless we'd previously agreed that we'd split it, especially if he'd been boasting about being well off.

If I'd asked him, I'd expect to pay (or at least offer).

Undethetree · 15/05/2024 17:53

I ALWAYS make it crystal clear from the beginning of the date that things will be split equally, saves this kind of awks.

VinnieVanDog · 15/05/2024 18:03

I assume by that point he knew you didn't like him so maybe he was pissed off that he might be expected to pay all the bill, as men still often are even in these days?

LanaL · 15/05/2024 18:10

It could be that he was unsure - and if he’s a bit short of money then that’s fine . But , if he’s been boasting about his finances then I would be so put off ! I don’t mind paying my way and would always offer - but, to say “ do you want me to pay this or what” is rude and he’s putting you in a position to either kind of ask him to or say no , I will !

I have always offered - but I have never had a man on a date take it up, they have always said no it’s on me . Except one ! He said “ you pay for yours , I’ll pay for mine “ - I didn’t mind that at all .

BUT - let me tell you , I ended up in a relationship with this man for 2 years and he was the tightest man I ever knew !! Really made me think less of him as a man as time went on . He wouldn’t just say “ let’s split this “ , sometimes he would just pay for things but so many times he would decide we were eating out for eg and then at the end say “ I’ll let you get this “ !!!!!

whoneedssixteen · 15/05/2024 18:12

Agree that OP should have said at the point of ordering, ("I think I'll have the fish - and by the way - we're going halves on this" or at the very latest when it was time to go, "Shall we ask for the bill? And just to be clear are you ok if we split this".

If she waited until it was delivered - to him as if the waiter expected him to pay - and OP let him pick it up and look at it - STILL didn't reach for it or her purse or say anything. What was he supposed to say??? Sorry OP you asked for that.

HouseofPies · 15/05/2024 18:14

'do you want me to pay for this or what?'

How lovely of you to offer. Thank you.

Job done.

AutumnCrow · 15/05/2024 18:19

Didimum · 15/05/2024 14:07

Anyone feel like 'mortified' is always used incorrectly on MN? It means humiliated/ashamed/embarrassed.

While I agree it has developed a diverse range of meanings on SM, I think when the OP writes, 'I have never been asked anything like this in such a way and I was mortified', you can easily replace that with 'embarrassed' without too much mental bendiness?

NotAgainWilson · 15/05/2024 18:23

mrprott · 15/05/2024 14:14

He called for the bill. Bill came to his side of table and then he sat back and came out with that rudeness in that tone of voice and yes I was mortified and very uncomfortable also .
I said no of course I don't want you to get this. We are splitting the bill, if you're happy with that?
He was like ...sure.... then proceeded to suggest I pay him Cash while he used Revolut to pay the total. Honest to fuck 🙄

Unbelievable bad manners. He didn’t need to be so crass even if you were not expecting to pay.

I’m surprised at the amount of women who don’t see a problem at being talked at like that.

NotAgainWilson · 15/05/2024 18:28

seedsandseeds · 15/05/2024 15:00

You claim you deem someone to care and like you only if they pay for your dinner. So you're basing your worth on a man paying for you to eat.

Show quote history

And you obviously have very low standards if you are judging this comment only on the aspect of splitting the bill. The problem here is the rudeness. Nobody needs to be a twat when asking for the bill to be split.

MereDintofPandiculation · 15/05/2024 18:28

then proceeded to suggest I pay him Cash while he used Revolut to pay the total. Honest to fuck That's better than suggesting you pay and he does a bank transfer when he gets home/tomorrow/(never).

Applescruffle · 15/05/2024 18:36

JJathome · 15/05/2024 15:34

Who is the host, surely you both agree to meet after chatting for awhile. Life isn’t a Jane Austin novel.

Show quote history

I honestly don't know, I haven't been single for many years and I was a teenager the last time I was. Dating apps weren't a thing. IME one person usually asked the other out.
But it applies anywhere, if I asked my mum or my friend for lunch or something, I would expect to pay.

AutumnCrow · 15/05/2024 18:36

It would have been much better him to have simply asked, 'shall we split this?' with a smile. There was no need for him to have been so performative about it. Ending a question with 'or what?' is neither transparent nor endearing.

Worriedpanda50 · 15/05/2024 18:40

What's Revolut?

Malo05 · 15/05/2024 18:40

Aye if he's a millionaire I'm a fucking unicorn. He's a rude arsehole for the way he spoke. Splitting is the norm I guess when on a date and you don't know them but if he was bragging before hand he obviously felt that you'd try and take advantage of his non existent weather. Plus the only jag he'll have is a dinky model of one.

Josette77 · 15/05/2024 18:40

I used to ask for separate bills if I wanted to pay for myself.

StormingNorman · 15/05/2024 18:41

What a prick

Melonmango70 · 15/05/2024 18:44

Why are you so annoyed? He obviously felt the same way as you!

NotJohnMajor · 15/05/2024 18:54

This is about tone, not words.

CheekyHobson · 15/05/2024 18:56

I'm surprised at all the people who don't seem able to pick up what was rude about his tone.

Who pays the bill is well-known to be a sensitive subject, so throwing responsibility for making the call on whether he should pay it all (without actually making a direct offer to do so) straight at the OP was extremely rude.

"I'm happy to pay this if that suits you?"
"Shall we split equally or would you prefer to pay for what you had?"
"How about I take care of this and you take care of the next one?"
"What's your preferred way of handling the bill?"

Just a few ways he could have politely raised the subject without setting an expectation that he's going to pick up the tab indefinitely.

whynotwhatknot · 15/05/2024 18:58

he does sound a bit rude but was he more annoyed with the waiter for putting the bill in front of him rather than the middle

RedHelenB · 15/05/2024 19:04

Mountain and molehill. After he'd asked for the bill I'd have got my credit card out ready. I'm not quite sure what OPs gripe is.. If you'd have said thank you he'd have said the whole bill presumably?

TheAceWoman · 15/05/2024 19:05

I would have been very uncomfortable too. He was acting as those you would be expecting him to pay the bill, letting you know he didn't want to and trying to come across as though he was offering to pay. Twat is right. I would have said the same back to him 'oh, do you want me to pay for this? I was expecting we'd just go halves.'