His comment when the bill came ....

[mrprott]

I went in a date recently.
I was a little anxious before hand about the discomforts of f the bill situation but was and am adamant about splitting bills on dates bar coffees or waters etc.
I knew midway through meal that he was a test so decided to enjoy rest of meal and put it down to experience.
I suggested at the end we call for the bill. It came. He looked at it , sat back on his chair and with a swerve of his hand pointing at the bill said ..'do you want me to pay for this or what ?' In a really nonchalant voice ..
I nearly died 😂🤣🙈
I was so shocked at how he spoke to me.... this boastful, popular , millionaire( his words ? with his jaguar and photos of his palatial spread ....
The waiter caught sight of this and got awkward and left ..
I said of course we're splitting it but in my fifty years of living on this earth, I have never been asked anything like this in such a way and I was mortified.
He didn't understand this at all???
Shrugged his shoulder and that was that ..
AIBU ?

Explain more clearly what the tone was?

So many women now get offended by a man paying all due to feminist notions. Yet some women sit and expect a man to pay for everything. Its hard for men to know what to do in this situation.

If you hadn't communicated with him prior to about splitting the bill I guess he was confused.

I don't think this is so black and white as you make it seem

Meh, non event. Newsflash: Twat behaves like twat.

No need to be mortified (which was extreme anyway). I think the PP who mentioned that he made it obvious to the waiter that he didn't like you, is what stung. Next time, own it and roll eyes and smile cheerfully as you pay.

You may need a thicker skin for dating..

Splitting bills yuk.

Why would people ask you why you are mortified? That was the date from hell. So embarrassing.

Woman posts on MN about abusive husband, posters say: Why did you marry this dick in the first place?'

Woman posts on MN about dickish man on date, posters say: "You need to toughen up, there's nothing wrong with what he said."

Ewwwwwww he sounds gross. Bin

That doesn't make sense to me, I can't fathom why you would be embarrassed by someone you've met for the first time being rude.

You're not his mother, you aren't responsible for teaching him manners, how is his behaviour anything for you to be embarrassed about?

And suggesting that anyone is sad or jealous is frankly a bit odd

He seemed crass and weird.

He could have said it with class like, let me get this or not saying anything at all and just hand his card to the waiter.

I’m not really seeing the issue

He assumed you would want him to pay, it sounds like this has happened to him a lot in the past

That’s twisting.

I don’t think anyone has said he sounds great, have a second date.

But what he said wasn’t necessarily in itself intentionally dickish and it was certainly not abusive ( and please don’t come back and say it was, because that trivialises genuine abuse).

I guess there was a moment where she felt he was judging her for expecting him to pay? Or the waiter was? Or, as others have suggested, that she was embarrassed he made it clear in front of the waiter he wasn’t about to romance her by paying himself?

I don’t think it was that bad he didn’t pay, and, even with friends when none of us are expecting to be paid for, the bill is always a faintly awkward moment . It’s a bit like it can be hard to say “ I need to go to the loo” gracefully. I find people often mutter it, whisper it, or blurt it out awkwardly, but there’s definitely a “ change of gear” in the conversation tone - even if it’s slightly apologetic for interrupting the conversation for five minutes. And yet it’s perfectly reasonable they are going. Money and bodily functions can just be awkward to slide gracefully into a conversation, funny old creatures that we be.

There's no correct answer, that's yours but not mine.

Presumably if you were sat with your card in hand he wouldn’t have asked

And was he sat with his card in hand? No he wasn't. So we're now supposed to rush to grab our purses just in case the poor man might think we're expecting him to pay? FGS 🙄

I'm glad I'm not dating any more. Online dating is the absolute pits. I'm around the OP's age and there are a lot of men in that age bracket looking for a nurse with a purse. I met quite a few.

This is a standard awkward moment.

That's why to avoid it, as soon as the waiter comes with the bill, you make a move towards your bag for your purse of your phone. The message is then clear that you intend to pay your half.

From your posts, it seems clear that you did nothing and waited to see whether he was going to pay the whole thing.

I totally get his annoyance.

And was he sat with his card in hand? No he wasn't. So we're now supposed to rush to grab our purses just in case the poor man might think we're expecting him to pay? FGS
Because very sadly, despite all this talk about equality and the rest, many women still expect men to pay for dates.

Men expecting or taking for granted that the woman is to pay is minuscule in comparison.

Indeed, the waiter handed the bill to the guy, not OP.

I’m afraid I tend to agree. I do this when out with girlfriends even though we have an established routine that we each pay for what we order.

How much more awkward the bill must be in a first date situation.

I think it was the fact he was getting no signals that triggered him to ask the way he did. And I’m not sure he was unreasonable to ask. Had he not, the thread could well have been “ he flexed his wealth all along then didn’t even ask me if I was happy for him to pay, just acting like the Big Tycoon. “

Oh for Gods sake! Don't you ever do something out of kindness??? Do you always overthink? My DH would do exactly the same. Why is it patronising.

These days every little curtesy/ kindness becomes an combatitive issue and usually its a reflection of how the person questioning it values themselves.
If you're secure in yourself you wouldn't even be bothered.

Oh I could not agree more.

And of course it’s exactly why this guy was tiptoeing so cack-handedly around the issue. I don’t believe in misogyny but I also don’t believe it is the way forward for women to be such touchy PITAs .

You've misquoted me.

People have told the OP to toughen up, and have said there's not a problem with what he said.

Ah yes I see what you mean. I took it more that you were saying we all encourage a relationship before she’s stuck; then say why did you get stuck in the first place.

However, fwiw I don’t think there was anything so egregiously wrong with his comment. I think the boasting was a red flag, but the paying comment was just an awkward topic at the end of what sounds to have been an awkward date.

Exactly this. Splitting a bill, where you haven't agreed beforehand how it's going to be done is one of those social situations that can be hard to navigate without offending someone. Also you were probably both sitting there feeling disappointed with how the date had gone so that can only have added to the awkwardness.

He could have been a bit more polite about it but maybe you were very good at disguising that you thought he was 'a twat'?

*weren't very good at disguising 🙃

This!
It was so clear that he was rude, I too don't know why the OP had to explain more.

I think there is sometimes some kind of "contagion" in comments, people read previous comments and their answer is influenced.

'do you want me to pay for this or what ?'

I wouldn’t expect anyone beyond 6 years old to speak to anyone like this, and even at that age I’d correct them.

He should be embarrassed, not you ☹️.

That's why to avoid it, as soon as the waiter comes with the bill, you make a move towards your bag for your purse of your phone. The message is then clear that you intend to pay your half.

In all honesty, if people aren’t mature enough to discuss how to pay the bill without having to resort to grabbing for purses as a “reassurance signal”, I think they’re probably not mature enough to be dating.

It’s not hard. The bill arrives. You look at each other. One person or the other says “Let me get it this time” or “Shall we split it right down the middle” or “How do you prefer to split it?” Then one or both of you pay the bill.

I imagine it is an extremely rare woman these days who, when it is suggested to split the bill, would make a withering comment about how she would have expected a real man to take care of it. So men probably don’t have to worry about being emasculated by the bill conversation.