DP annoyed I’m not accepting higher paid job

[Pinkstickynote]

Getting married this year and going to TTC soon after. I’ve spent years focussing on my career (started out in full time work at 16 as an apprentice - I’m now 30) and climbing the corporate ladder. I’ve been working for a great employer for the past 1.5yrs with good benefits, remote work and whilst the salary is not as high as I could get, I have a great work life balance. My specialism is niche so it’s common to get messages from recruiters about new opportunities. One of these recently piqued my interest as it was £40k higher salary. I did interview and was offered the role but decided against it. The main reasons being our plans to start a family, and no longer feeling motivated to keep climbing the ladder. My prorities have changed, and I’m on to a good thing where I am.

DP cant understand my decision and said he’d always been so attracted to my drive and ambition. He thinks I’m crazy to turn down so much extra money when people would give anything to get a pay increase like that, and I should be getting as much money as possible before we have DC to benefit us when I’m on mat leave/our DC’s future. It’s making me doubt my decision and I’d benefit from some views on this (the place that offered me the role have said if I should change my mind in the next few days, to let them know).

Am I the insane and ungrateful one here? I should point out that DH and I do live a comfortable life as is and have well paid jobs (for context, my salary is low six figures). WWYD?

How stressful/more intense would the new role be? I know it's hard to say.

I would not take it if it would be a huge negative impact on you. But if you are genuinely interested in the opportunity, I would consider it. For one think, even all going to plan you're probably still a year or two away from actually having the baby and going on mat leave. Good chance to get that extra experience and pay beforehand, as it is harder after.

I took on a more stressful job when the children were small and had similar reservations. I am glad I did though, while busier I do feel like I am learning more and having more impact. And the pay rise means I have gone down to 4 days and make huge pension contributions without really noticing any difference in income

OP I think you have two separate problems here: are 40.000 GBP, or whatever that translates into after tax, worth the effort of job change, more time in office etc, especially with motherhood in your future?

And: how to make sense of the fact that your partner declares himself disappointed at your sudden 'lack of drive'?

The first question can be sliced and diced many different ways. Having left a sought-after role because I couldn't be dealing with the egos and the intolerance for parenting complications, I'd pass up the money, but there are good reasons to take it. It's money.

But on the second question, there's no doubt at all (to my mind) that your partner is way out of line here. If money makes his mouth water so much, he can get his own promotion ffs. There's a lot of career compromising in his future if he is serious about sharing the parenting burden. Sit him down and have it out with him over this.

If you're already comfortable and happy, stick to your guns. 40k netted down after tax isnt going to be THAT much more per annum anyway, especially if you don't want to risk the balance and work culture that you currently enjoy. Cudos on climbing from 16 year old apprentice to senior 100k role. What sector have you done that in?

Personally, I would stay where you are. You're happy there. That's the most important thing.

Also, ttc can be hard. You may not get pregnant right away and may need investigations or IVF. Flexibility is more important than trying to bide your time qualifying for a new package.

Where you are will probably give you more flexibility, and I'm guessing you already qualify for the maternity package as well. You also have job security where you are, which means a hell of a lot when wanting to start a family.

Don't let your P pressure you into something you may regret. There's more to life than your salary. He can go for a promotion or change of roles if he's concerned about money.

You're not going to want the stress of a new job and ttc at the same time. There will be other jobs and promotions. Sometimes, it's best to know which side your bread is buttered on.

Good luck with everything

But it's not just about getting that extra £40k today = £140k

It's about that being a stepping stone to even higher salaries, more professional success, over the next 30 years.

Do you want to earn more than £140k one day - £200k, £300k+? Or are you happy to stick with the £100k you've achieved by 30 - which is already brilliant.

And if you don't step forward now, do you still want to try and do this in a few years? Or not - happy to stay at this earning point for the rest of your life (which is a great place to be!). If so - you need to be transparent with your husband that this is your sticking point.

It's a rare case study and I think this thread, and the very different perspectives, is really positive and helpful reading for young women planning their careers. Women talk less about dilemmas around salaries + progression at higher levels, balanced with having a family, than men do. I've found many of the comments to be food for thought. So thanks OP and wishing you all the best with whatever you choose.

Take the job, save the money, bank the experience. No guarantee you’ll get pregnant, have a baby.

I'm not sure if I would consider my fiancé pressurising me in those words and in your circumstances as presaging anything particularly good for my upcoming marriage. Maybe I'm just being unduly pessimistic?

Work is not everything . If you are at peace with your decision and you think it’s the best then tell him to move on as it’s your choice .

You have said you have dealt with burnout in a previous role so you know the value your mental health and work life balance.
Once your comfortable financially then it’s perfectly reasonable to focus on things other then climbing the corporate ladder.

Some people can never see past the money no matter what. If this is your fiancé then maybe you aren’t as compatible as you thought.

You are crazy not to take the job. It’s a £40k pay rise. That will make a huge difference to your family.

On a separate note, you and your OH need to talk about what your career and financial contribution looks like when you have children. It doesn’t sound like you are on the same page at the moment.

First off, well done for getting to where you are now!

I don't think you're insane or ungrateful to not take on the job offer. You sound very happy where you are. The flexibility and good work life balance, that you've said that you have, sound wonderful. It sounds like the job is secure. I've worked in awful places and it is a horrible feeling. Having children and also having to juggle possible international travel and long commutes doesn't sound great at all (it was bad enough for me with shift work!!). Would your DP step up and parent whilst you were away on business trip? Would he be happy to drop tools and collect DC from school/nursery if they were poorly? Would he share equally in parenting?

Is the new role something that you can look to apply for when the children are older? Are you able to get promotion in your current company (if that is what you would like)?

Work life balance is far more important than extra money - especially when you’re already earning a lot of money.

I’m surprised there are so many people telling you to take the new job.

If you’re happy in your current role and feel fulfilled then I’d stick with that and focus on starting a family.

If she is over six figures she would only see 20k from that.
Also, she is not entitled to any nursery finances.
In some places you need to wait a year and a half or two before you TTC to even have maternity package.
And a role you are recognised in will more likely keep your role untouched and be accommodating after you return.

She is 30, if she wants children (plural) it is not advised to wait possibly two years before even starting TTC. It could push OP into over 35 before she gets first child and limit the number of ones she can have. If any problems, ivf is limited after certain age in many areas.

OP see what percent increase it would ve in take home money. That will be more realistic comparison. Peoole go crazy over 40k as it is above average ft salary but you may just get some and lose a lot of freedom to organise childcare and have more stress returning to work.

https://www.thesalarycalculator.co.uk/salary.php

I did this roughly from £110k to £150k. A nett figure of around 19k more. Did a couple of screen shots.

@Pinkstickynote you do the math, then calculate travel , meals out and meals at home, will you be taking shortcuts cooking, will you need extra help in the home, garden?

You won't see much of the extra 40k after tax, if you go back to work full time you'll be better off earning 99k than 135k literally, as you lose childcare support at 100k

Yes I recall another poster who put a big chunk into their pension to keep below £100k

If I were you I'd stay put and go back to work on 0.9 fte after maternity leave to stay under 100k as your partner earns less than 100k

Would it hurt to talk to your current employer about your offer and see if they could raise your salary somewhat? Would that pacify your husband?

This is your life, your wellbeing and from what you said you know how awful a poor job is (however we don’t know this job would necessarily be..). Work life balance is super important and if you have that and you love your job then stay put. I would ask what about the other possibility piqued your interest enough to interview and see how you can address what may be lacking within your current role.

Stand firm. Also warn husband that priorities are going to change once a baby is on its way - might be a good time for a chat to align your goals and expectations

I wouldn’t take this job while starting to TTC. The last thing you need is a new & unknown (people/working away/expectations on you). You earn well, love a nice life etc. if you have children, your priorities might change somewhat.

YANBU.

Personally I wouldn’t take it. You both earn so much already that I can’t see how £40k will make much difference, if it was say a £30k salary to a £70k salary that would be different obviously.

I have worked at a few places over my career and you just cannot put a price on flexibility, good work culture, and enjoying your role. Plus, if your baby is ill or you need last minute childcare I think the already established supportive, flexible role will be much better in the long run than an extra £40k over a year. Plus as others had said, after tax it might not be anywhere near that amount.

I think you have to look at what will make your life easier and more bearable when you do have a baby but more for when you return to work, beyond MAT leave. I think it sounds like it’s your current employer as you don’t know anything about what it’s like to work for the new one, plus if you're expected to travel and working different time zones etc, is DH going to do the lions share of childcare? If not how much of that £40k will you be spending on wrap around care?

Sometimes the decision is about more than X and Y salary and one being the better choice simply because it’s an increase in wage.

My last piece of advice.. always trust your gut when it comes to work!!

I was going to say YABU for the same reasons as your DH - you’d be mad to turn down £40k and it’s easier to do it now before you have kids.

But as you’re already on 6 figures, then there’s no need for you to make any more money.

So my decision would be based on how happy you are in your job.

Most child-free, young adults wouldn’t like to WFH or be too settled in a job but if you are happy and you’re TTC then carry on doing what you’re doing.

This is not up to your DH.
You went to the interview which I think was a good idea and you’ve decided against it.

There’s so much more to life than money, if you’re already well off. Work life balance is so important and in your situation I wouldn’t trade a role that suits you perfectly in that respect. A flexible role becomes even more valuable once you have a family and remote working means no commute so more time to fit in all the life admin and time with your child. Money isn’t everything.

Money money money. You have different priorities. Think again before committing to him would be my advice,

AT the very least, I'd have tried to parlay such an offer into a payrise at my current position... to keep me.

YABU

I think your reasons for declining are sound.

Stick to you guns and prioritise life and mental health.