DP annoyed I’m not accepting higher paid job

[Pinkstickynote]

Getting married this year and going to TTC soon after. I’ve spent years focussing on my career (started out in full time work at 16 as an apprentice - I’m now 30) and climbing the corporate ladder. I’ve been working for a great employer for the past 1.5yrs with good benefits, remote work and whilst the salary is not as high as I could get, I have a great work life balance. My specialism is niche so it’s common to get messages from recruiters about new opportunities. One of these recently piqued my interest as it was £40k higher salary. I did interview and was offered the role but decided against it. The main reasons being our plans to start a family, and no longer feeling motivated to keep climbing the ladder. My prorities have changed, and I’m on to a good thing where I am.

DP cant understand my decision and said he’d always been so attracted to my drive and ambition. He thinks I’m crazy to turn down so much extra money when people would give anything to get a pay increase like that, and I should be getting as much money as possible before we have DC to benefit us when I’m on mat leave/our DC’s future. It’s making me doubt my decision and I’d benefit from some views on this (the place that offered me the role have said if I should change my mind in the next few days, to let them know).

Am I the insane and ungrateful one here? I should point out that DH and I do live a comfortable life as is and have well paid jobs (for context, my salary is low six figures). WWYD?

@Pinkstickynote I'd to know what your apprenticeship was in and what your career is please.

Sounds amazing to have your salary and work life balance!

As someone who earns £100k+, you clearly have the ability to able to weigh up situations and make decisions. So I would trust your choice. There’s so much more to a job than simply the salary - especially once you have kids. Once you take off tax, that won’t be that much of a percentage over what you’re earning now anyway. Not being stressed is worth £20k after tax

I completely understand your position as I was recently in the same situation. I didn't actually want the job because it was I was over qualified for it but was going to be working along side people who were doing the job I should be doing and I'd be getting paid a lot less than them. It was still more than what I am currently getting. My DH couldn't understand why I turned it down but I am getting older and not as spritely as I used to be. I currently work when I want to and it fits with the kids appointments, school, school holidays etc. So I declined for a better and happier me. I really do think being happy counts as life is too short.

There's a lot to be said for being happy at work. Nice place to be, decent colleagues, good work life balance and a decent salary / benefits are all positives in your current role.

However, if you're being offered the same elsewhere, it should be at least considered.

But I understand where you're coming from. Not long after I had DD I had a call from a recruiter with a job that was double my salary. I interviewed but it honestly sounded like so much responsibility, stress and work that I decided to stay where I am. I have an amazing job now, in terms of flexibility, benefits and work life balance, and the salary isn't terrible either. Worth its weight in gold when you find a job like that.

I can entirely see where you are coming from. Once you are into six figures (and I say this as someone well into this myself) and have enough to afford a good standard of living then honestly, more money really isn't the be all and end all. Conscious this is a very privileged position to be in!

You do what feels right for you. I am surprised your DP doesn't understand as he earns similar.

I think this is possibly the main reason for the pay gap rather than discrimination as most on here claim. Your below statement is almost identical to the sentiment I was describing in a thread yesterday when I was describing the change in many of my female workmates upon starting a family.

"The main reasons being our plans to start a family, and no longer feeling motivated to keep climbing the ladder. My prorities have changed, and I’m on to a good thing where I am."

Earning 140k a year would put you in a different tax bracket. You would lose your tax allowance. The net amount after tax wouldn’t be that much. It’s not worth the stress of changing jobs and having to travel more. It’s all very well your OH wanting you to take the new job but he won’t be the pregnant one having to cope with a higher pressured job. Why doesn’t he look for a new job if he wants more income?

Push ahead now, get as high as you can before you have children.
You're only 30. Lean in!

Hmm, I'd also be cognizant of the fact that at 30 you're fast approaching the end of your youth. I wouldn't want to be middle aged with young kids.

I agree with most of your post, except for the bit where men discuss these dilemmas more than women.
They don't. Because in their minds, there is no dilemma,
The majority of men, especially 'higher earners' have zero clue regarding the the amount of effort it takes to produce and raise a child. Let alone more than one.
Or spare any thought towards the physical, mental and emotional impacts on their spouses.
Their lives continue pretty much the same as before.

This post is also a massive warning to ambitious, career-focused young women. Choose your man wisely.

I'm lucky to have worked in companies with excellent female leadership and without exception those who progressed either had very strong spousal, or general family support. Even among City high fliers, very very few had 2 spouses juggling Big Jobs and nannies most of the time.

OP's 'D'Fiance's attitude doesn't fill me with confidence.

It’s your call OP, however there are so many unknowns and ifs you are basing your decision now, what if you didn’t get pregnant straightaway, what if you find motherhood better/easier/nicer if you went back to work full time (like I did and so many other mums have come back to say the same here), etc, etc. I would have personally taken the higher paid job because this is what I know as a fact, the rest is just a plan, but it could change. Your DP is wrong to pressure you though, it’s your job, your call.

Go for the higher salary. It might take time to become pregnant. You might want to be the parent who works whilst your dp stays at home to look after your baby. Go the furthest possible in your career.

I say this as someone who fought hard to be treated the same as the men at work, and didn't believe it myself previously.

For many women, when you have a child, other things don't seem to matter as much (money, career, office politics etc). Not all, but for a lot, priorities shift. I think it must be biological because I didn't see it coming.

I do still do an excellent job at work. And I am still treated the same as the men. I'm just less interested in working long hours to progress because I have more important things at home.

It had the opposite effect on DH. He suddenly started figuring out how to climb, when he'd always been happy doing what he did. He wanted to make it possible to have flexibility himself and give DD the life she deserves.

It's weird.

More money doesn’t automatically mean it will be a worse job and ttc could take a while.

id take the job

Exactly this.

Although this sounds like a stereotype from the 1950s, it's almost as if men are naturally conditioned to be the provider and women to perform a caring role (obv acknowledging that there will always be exceptions to the rule, either by individual temperament or life experiences that push them that way).

Low 6 figures? 40k is a good payrise but staying where you are where you have a lot of flex and a good reputation is not a bad idea when you’re planning to start a family. I don’t think you’ve made a bad decision here, seems pretty reasonable.

On reading your Opening Post, I thought; "This is one of those times that highlight different motives that men and women have as they approach problems and the major stages of their lives".
Neither is intrinsically better; just different. Men do not have that clock that starts to run down when they are otherwise in their prime career wise. Even if we are not approaching that age we can be so aware of it.

I know. Even a few years in I find it hard to get my head around sometimes. Pre-DD I was the higher earner and pushing for progression and he was happy milling along in his work. We were both fine with it, made us both happy and the finances were just shared anyway, neither of us care who earns the money as long as it's there.

Then along comes a baby and both of us change. Still really happy, just different priorities. I might go back full time one day, and I'm genuinely happy I worked as hard as I did before she came along so I'm as secure and flexible as I am now. But if I stay like this forever, I'm ok.

Oh @WalrusOfLove I think you should change your name to Dinosaur instead. Approaching the end of your youth at 30 and all women are naturally carers. What a load of bilge…….

I don’t understand your logic. You can’t plan anything regarding Ttc. Imagine being a few years down the line without a baby, and regretting not taking the job. You’re only 30, take the job and wait until you’re eligible for the maternity pay before TTC, it’s normally a year maximum.

I don't think they were being sexist or anti feminist. I think they were just acknowledging some facts and experiences people have commented about.

30 is a good age to be TTC but people were suggesting waiting a couple of years to start. Which means older when it does (if it does) happen. And as a mid 30s FTM I can tell you part of me (the sleep deprived part) wishes I had been younger. DH is mid 40s now and he's exhausted constantly.

And the carers was in response to me saying I didn't believe it happened as people told me it would, but it did. My priorities became my family, not my career. And I had no choice, something in me just shifted.

I completely agree that you have made the right decision. Better to have a good work life balance. When you calculate what extra you earn after tax & divide that up with having to travel to the office, work late etc I actually don't think you will be earning a whole pile of extra money. Not that money is the most important thing, your happiness is.

I think the discussion with your DH maybe needs to be less about the money and more about his view of your "drive and ambition". If these are qualities he admires in you it is likely he values them for himself, whereas you are now thinking about having a family and wanting a good work/life balance. Are you both going to agree on putting family before career, or will you have very different priorities in future?

Do you know what kind of maternity benefits there are? And how open they are to having a 4 day week?
In general how is the culture around flexibility and supporting new parents specially mums?

The 40k hike could mean you drop to a 4 day week and still take home the same amount.

You declined a well paid job,right now on basis of ifs and maybe about ttc
Breathtakingly stupid
No wonder your partner is annoyed. You’re daydreaming and making stupid RL decisions