DP annoyed I’m not accepting higher paid job

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Getting married this year and going to TTC soon after. I’ve spent years focussing on my career (started out in full time work at 16 as an apprentice - I’m now 30) and climbing the corporate ladder. I’ve been working for a great employer for the past 1.5yrs with good benefits, remote work and whilst the salary is not as high as I could get, I have a great work life balance. My specialism is niche so it’s common to get messages from recruiters about new opportunities. One of these recently piqued my interest as it was £40k higher salary. I did interview and was offered the role but decided against it. The main reasons being our plans to start a family, and no longer feeling motivated to keep climbing the ladder. My prorities have changed, and I’m on to a good thing where I am.

DP cant understand my decision and said he’d always been so attracted to my drive and ambition. He thinks I’m crazy to turn down so much extra money when people would give anything to get a pay increase like that, and I should be getting as much money as possible before we have DC to benefit us when I’m on mat leave/our DC’s future. It’s making me doubt my decision and I’d benefit from some views on this (the place that offered me the role have said if I should change my mind in the next few days, to let them know).

Am I the insane and ungrateful one here? I should point out that DH and I do live a comfortable life as is and have well paid jobs (for context, my salary is low six figures). WWYD?

I am VERY career orientated, but I would stay in my current job if I were you, OP. You are a high earner, you have earned respect and recognition from the people you work with, your workplace offers great flexibility and it will be relatively easy to return to work at a company where you are already well established. Money is not everything.

You need to be in a good place mentally as well as physically to prepare for kids. Your DP should support you to do what YOU think is best for YOU.

I'm not on 6 figures and am in my 40s. But, having done global travel and managing teams globally, I now work fully remote with complete flexibility. I would not give that up for an extra £40k because I have built a life around my flexibility and get far more from my non working hours.

Ffs of course take it.

I would take the better job, enjoy / save the cash.
Have the baby/babies when they come
enjoy the maternity pay
go back to work and try it

you have the extra cash !!!

I think your priority is to question why your partner is trying to manipulate you by insinuating they would find you less attractive if you didn’t go for it. Despite surely knowing your mental health history. It sounds peevish to me. Dingaling for future parenthood.

What do they want out of life which is different? Because life-work doesnt seem to be up there. If they are more materialistic, they’ll have to push themselves further to bring more in, rather than pressuring you.

I don’t agree with the PP suggest you try and get more out of your current employer. You could undo all the good will you’ve gained, plus they are going to wonder when you went for the interview, and what your motivators are.

You already have a very good salary where you are and you are happy there. So stay there. As remote working it also sounds potentially very flexible and family friendly too.

Moving just for the sake of the money can be a mistake. I once did it many years ago and hated every moment. I only lasted a few weeks there and had to leave. I never really got back on track and have always regretted what I did then. The money just isn't everything.

Most womens careers, not all, but most, go into hibernation when they start a family. Therefore maxing out your position ie salary beforehand can be wise, so if for example you return to less than full time, youre in a better place. In my career at least. So, I can see your partners position.

That said, if you're already that successful and earning well, saving for the future then it sounds like you are a smart woman and have made the right decision for you, for now!

Is the workload much more? If I were you, I would just do what makes you happy. We have been lucky enough to work flexibly around the kids, and have both been able to see them more and been less stressed as a result and I wouldn't have traded that for a bigger house.

Work / life balance is really important. If you’re happy with your standard of living I’d do what my instinct was telling me to do and not change jobs.

Bloody hell, ofcourse I'd do it! It could take years to TTC. As your DP says, the extra money will benefit you now! You could pay extra off the mortgage/set up a savings account for mat leave etc etc. I think your mad to turn it down. Plus, you've got a great salary should you return to work.

This ^

The most expensive professions (law, medicine, etc – one of them my former profession) bill by time. I always look at it in terms of the value of my time.

I currently work just a few hours a day in a lucrative industry. Absolutely speaking, I earn a bit less than if I were to work a full day in this industry. On an hourly view however, I earn almost double or triple now.

Of course this doesn't work if you need the money, but absolutely speaking will an extra £3k monthly make a huge difference to your material standard of living? Does the law of diminishing returns apply – ie the extra hours you're comparatively working in your new role are paid at a very low wage? Or are you still selling your time for a very good hourly rate?

Apart from that think of longevity of course, which role leaves the door open for you to dip back into your career after TTC and in the long term, or are both the same in that aspect

Someone on here a while ago did the math. The pay rise nett figure was much less attractive with the deductions, add in travel it shrank alarmingly

Me and DH have both turned down better paid jobs over the years to prioritise family and neither of us have any regrets. If you’ve had a job offer then you’re a good candidate with good experience, nothing changes that.

This 100%

Follow your heart and don’t be persuaded otherwise.

Good luck with everything!

Lots of the £40k would go on tax so it actually wouldn’t be £40k you’d get in hand. You’d be taxed 40% and lose your tax free allowance.

Plus if you’re going into the office there will be commute costs. Work clothes, lunches, work drinks etc. It all adds up.

Id show your husband the difference in take home and then explain the negatives of working in office and travelling. Also the fact you don’t actually want the job🤣

I wouldn’t give it a second thought- you’re more than pulling your weight financially in the relationship. If he doesn’t like it then he doesn’t have to like it.

Crazy!! In a job that paid that well, surely you could start full time, then go part time. Then you’d be on the same salary as you’re on now whilst only working 3 days a week, if my rough maths is correct.

You probably should have put the salary percentage increase after taxes in your OP rather than the number of $40k - to a lot of people that figure added to their current salary would be life changing and won’t see past it.

If you are planning to try to conceive within the next year then I wouldn’t take the job.

As some have pointed out it might take a while to get pregnant but all the stress of a new, more intense job will more than likely make it longer, and on the off chance you get pregnant quickly, the new bosses and coworkers are not going to react well to you going off on maternity leave.

You always have more social credit in a place you have worked longer and built up relationships which help smooth your path back to work after periods away and also dealing with the needs of a baby and childcare. Sounds like your current manager might be inclined to be flexible - the new bosses are an unknown quantity.

From what you’ve said about your niche it sound like other opportunities will come along again.

So say for a 10% monthly income increase is it worth having to work hybrid rather than remote, take on a lot more responsibility and less flexible hours, and deal with the stress of winning over a whole new team and bosses while you are trying to conceive and plan maternity leave?

Only you can answer that.

I don’t think the concern here is whether you take the job or not, really. I think you need to be talking to your DH about the fact he finds your ambition attractive yet you are TTC and that has changed how ambitious you are (or, perhaps, just what you are now ambitious about). This sounds to me like the sort of life values issue that could be really challenging in your marriage going forward.

How does your DH see the two of you navigating family life? Is it realistic? Does it gel with your vision? Do you expect him to keep climbing the ladder while you take on a more nurturing role? How does he feel about that? Do either of you have role models for parenting you can point to and does the other like what they see there, for both roles?

I’m on your side OP.

How much is if after tax, what percentage of your pay goes on the mortgage etc?

We’ve both turned down good promotions recently as we both want to stay working three days a week, this does mean however we’ve likely both limited ourselves significantly for the rest of our careers. However as we’re essentially mortgage free, we can get away with that. If we weren’t we’d both have taken them and increased our days along with our earnings.

Well, he's greedy.

You know you like your current job. That makes it sustainable for you. If you didn't like the new one and were stressed you'd be in a terrible situation for TTC.

Tell him to earn his own 40,000. & that his attraction to you should not be contingent on you earning the maximum amount possible. Cheeky fucker.

I wouldn't leave a workplace I was comfortable in if I was planning to have children soon. Your still very young too, nothing wrong with staying where you are happy and comfortable for a while.
If you were in a tough financial situation and needed the extra money that would be different but if I was in your position I would do exactly the same.
There's a lot more to life than work and money.

You're happy and on a good salary where you are. Money may be your fiancé's God, but it doesn't have to be yours. You dont have to be consumed with climbing the cirporate ladder, thats for those who are into that. Your current work benefits sound suitable for you. You're working not skiving, he needs to stop going on about it. God help you if you're earning less on Mat leave/etc he'll be a pita. I wonder if you went for that interview because he kept on and on about it?

As someone else has said, there's no guarantee that you'll conceive immediately and in the meantime, you could be building up a nest egg for when that DC does come along.

I'd say, don't dismiss this new company out of hand. As you have a niche skill, you're desirable and I'm sure they would be amenable, when the time comes, to accommodating your return to work.