DP annoyed I’m not accepting higher paid job

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Getting married this year and going to TTC soon after. I’ve spent years focussing on my career (started out in full time work at 16 as an apprentice - I’m now 30) and climbing the corporate ladder. I’ve been working for a great employer for the past 1.5yrs with good benefits, remote work and whilst the salary is not as high as I could get, I have a great work life balance. My specialism is niche so it’s common to get messages from recruiters about new opportunities. One of these recently piqued my interest as it was £40k higher salary. I did interview and was offered the role but decided against it. The main reasons being our plans to start a family, and no longer feeling motivated to keep climbing the ladder. My prorities have changed, and I’m on to a good thing where I am.

DP cant understand my decision and said he’d always been so attracted to my drive and ambition. He thinks I’m crazy to turn down so much extra money when people would give anything to get a pay increase like that, and I should be getting as much money as possible before we have DC to benefit us when I’m on mat leave/our DC’s future. It’s making me doubt my decision and I’d benefit from some views on this (the place that offered me the role have said if I should change my mind in the next few days, to let them know).

Am I the insane and ungrateful one here? I should point out that DH and I do live a comfortable life as is and have well paid jobs (for context, my salary is low six figures). WWYD?

Would you take the job if you didn't have plans to TTC? If so, you need to tell them you've changed your mind. I've seen so many women not move roles for this reason only for it to take a long time to conceive - or not be able to at all - and then regret not taking the opportunities when they came.

Take the role, don't delay TTC tok much, you don't need to be in a role for years beforehand. For reference I fell pregnant less than a year into my current role and am still there five years later with two promotions under my belt.

This is one of those cases where I say lean in!

Would you take the job if you didn't have plans to TTC? If so, you need to tell them you've changed your mind. I've seen so many women not move roles for this reason only for it to take a long time to conceive - or not be able to at all - and then regret not taking the opportunities when they came.

Take the role, don't delay TTC tok much, you don't need to be in a role for years beforehand. For reference I fell pregnant less than a year into my current role and am still there five years later with two promotions under my belt.

This is one of those cases where I say lean in!

Well you didn't say constructive dismissal, which is a business process.

You said 'fed up'

Women worry more about what their employer will 'feel' or 'think' about their family planning than men do. Important we're super clear on this. Legal action is very different to feeling fed up.

Yes I think you’re mad too

OP, your DH is extremely wrong to be so emotionally manipulative. Calling you ungrateful, claiming that you're unambitious. Unless you both agreed on a shared lifestyle that needs the higher earnings, he's being ridiculous. Sadly, I think he's going to use this to make you the default parent, and keep throwing it back in your face.

I didn't say fed up. That was another poster.

If you are comfortably off and able to save reasonably for retirement then having a better quality of life and more free time trumps extra money - 100%.

In 10 years time if something happened to you (life changing accident/diagnosis/ catastrophe), you'd regret the time you didn't spend with your family/ doing things that bring you joy... you would not wish you'd worked more, spent more time in the office, had a swankier job title or spent more on a car.

Once the basic necessities of life are paid for, happiness is time, people and experiences not money.

You’ve made a decision about your job that suits you. You are financially comfortable and happy with your work life balance. You like your current job and with your current employer. No further justification is needed whether you are earning £20k or £200k. I would also add that if you secured a job offer so quickly and easily then you can be sure of your employability in the future too.

The fact your DP isn’t happy about this is a red flag and needs discussing with him. Works you expect to have a veto on his job decisions, and if so under what circumstances would they be? Have you already discussed what your expectations were once the baby was born - financial contributions during maternity leave, payments for childcare, job flexibility, sharing time off if the child is ill etc.

Nothing to do with feelz - everything to do with pressure from a company who want a return on their investment. She doesn’t need the hassle.

In your tax bracket it’s actually not £40k extra though, is it? It’s closer to £20k after deductions.

For the extra stress of moving somewhere new, settling into a role, reaching the 2 year “safe” point, and upsetting what is a good work life balance, it makes sense to me.

The business is not a living thing. It cannot have feelings.
Only the humans who work there can. And they're the ones forming the network/contacts that you're saying is so important. Them thinking badly of OP isn't going to be helpful - quite the opposite.

Anyway, I think one can argue both ways. OP's in a niche role, so any perceived underperformance can be tolerated as there aren't many suitable replacements. It's not just maternity leave. Some women have very difficult pregnancies, so that's 9 months of sickness, time off etc followed by a year of maternity leave. Then the inevitable part-time, child illness time off etc etc.

It's much easier to deal with this in an organisation where you already have a reputation and the trust of your peers/leadership, as opposed to the other way around. When you've got a team you can effectively delegate to, and trust to perform the work well, showing you in the best light.

Alternatively, OP is in a niche role so will always find opportunities, why the rush to take this role NOW? She'll always be able to step up when she's ready. She's already well paid and comfortable in this role. Only 30, so she's just more than 2 decades to step up if she wants to.

Personally I'd go with the latter. And sometimes, after years of hard graft you just want a break to focus on other things! There's no right or wrong answer here. But OP's feelings should be respected.

She is no longer motivated to climb the ladder that's fair enough. It's different if she wanted it, but felt that she shouldn't because of people's opinions.

We can't compare this to men as they don't bear children. They don't experience the same sort of upheaval as women.

It’s a lot extra. It would possibly pay independent day school fees, for instance.

You shouldn’t take a job if you have doubts but would really consider that’s a huge increase in salary and TTC can take a long time. It could give you a real opportunity to build up savings and funds.

See, I was thinking the opposite. If something life-changing like divorce, disability, illness, massive economic recession, need for early retirement, etc., happens in future, the more OP can pad her security fund/savings now, the better off she and her prospective family will be. "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush," and all that. Plus the power of compound growth on savings early in life cannot be replaced in one's 50s.

To each her own; obviously OP has to weigh the pros and cons and decide what works for her. I would snatch at the money.

Have you asked the new job if they'd be willing to negotiate you working from home some days? Maybe you could get the pay rise and only have to go in once or twice a week? Certainly worth asking, if they want you they should try to compromise.

You have a good employer, a good work life balance. The new job would leave you with less security for a couple of years plus you could need to travel and would need to be in the office more often. If you were struggling financially it would be different but you are not. I think you are right not to take the job. Tax will take half the money anyway,

What you could do, if you havent been given a pay rise recently, is let your employer find out you've been offered 40k more elsewhere.

I’m a massive advocate for mental health in a job ! You have to be happy - you cannot work a job that drains you just for the money , because you won’t enjoy that money . He should be supportive of that , especially if you are comfortable anyway.

I work for an agency in my role currently. The job I do , when I was in a salaried position , was extremely detrimental to my mental health . I left with nothing to go to and a wait for certain checks etc for the agency , which had a big impact on us financially- but my husband was never anything short of supportive. I have now been offered a salaried role and I’m unsure if to take it . We need me to really , and I’ve also applied for another job that is less money than what I would get in a salaried role and again , my husband is supportive . He’s changed roles to bring in a higher income to try and take the pressure off so that I don’t have to make a decision that is led by financial needs . I think this , where it’s possible , is exactly what a husband should do .

Depends on your current employers maternity policy is like and also the flexibility when returning to work. First year at least you'll be taking more than a few days off for child sickness etc. Personally my desire to be a parent would trump my desire to climb the ladder so I would not have taken it. I think while kids are in nursery flexibility is key, for instance my employer offers 6 months full pay followed by statutory, a lot of leave and special leave to use for child sickness, a seriously subsidised nursery and flexible working/compressed hours. It has made my life so much easier than having a potentially less flexible job albeit better paid

If you were on 20k I’d think you were mad. But since you’re already on six figures I understand your decision, especially as your current role is working out well for you.

Yeah, this would be (for me) like getting a £12k salary increase. Significant, but not significant enough to justify a reduction in mental health. When you have a family you won't want to work evenings.

Of course, you acknowledge that it's up to the OP to weigh up the options. But what many people are missing IMO, is that she's burnt out once before!

People have different thresholds for stress, different levels of anxiety, etc. Some people love highly paid, challenging, jobs and eat stress for breakfast. it's easy to have your opinion, if you're this kind of person.

Others do not, but can put on a show long enough to make themselves comfy. Still others will never even reach half the heights of the former category.

I'd be cheering the OP on, if her reason for holding back was merely having children. Or that she just doubted her abilities. But she stated that she lost motivation, couple with former burnout, it looks like she just isn't interested. And that's OK.

What would happen if you went to your current workplace with the offer and asked if they could up your salary - could you squeeze another 15k out of them? Would that make a difference?

Factor in maternity as well.

Some men get nervous about the thought of their partners getting pregnant and being dependent on them. I think they get scared that they wont be able to cope. Maybe he's worried that your 'lack of drive's means that you may lean on him (financially? Emotionally?) in the future for example when you have kids. In my experience a lot of prospective dads are like that. They usually adjust but maybe you need to clarify with him what having a baby together would really really look like. Is he really that committed to it? I think if ur on 6 figures and ur only 30 you have more drive than most people so don't pay attention to that. I think hes worried ur going to end up depending on him in some way and that scares him. On the other hand, if it seemed like he wanted you to totally give up work and be dependent on him that wouldn't be a great sign either. I think ur right to be irked by this.
I know you don't mention marriage but before you make a commitment via making a child, maybe get some pre marriage type counselling where you work out exactly what your partnership would look like with kids and your life goals and values etc. Attitude to money etc.
Agree after 100k surely 40k more you would end up putting it into a pension anyway so neither of you would see the extra money for a good few years? Not that that is a bad thing.
Sorry if TLDR.

In the end, only you can add up all the pros and cons and check maternity pay policies with both companies.

A job with a great company and good work/life balance is valuable.

I'd be a bit fed up if DH's reasons for not agreeing with you turning it down tho.

he’d always been so attracted to my drive and ambition. He thinks I’m crazy to turn down

Turning down a job that may not suit your current plans is not being lacking in drive and ambition! Not at your level. Does he mean you have suddenly become less attractive? I'd challenge him on that. I bet that's not what you base his attractiveness on! You say you often get recruiters contacting you for a niche role. So if you are already in a good position, you are being prudent in not just taking the money into account. Sounds like he really doesn't appreciate everything that is involved.
I'd take issue with his attitude and ask why he's not being more supportive.