Step father / step son relationship

[Weddingbells6]

I am really struggling. DP and I have 2 children (primary school age) I have an 18 year old son that lives full time with us. My son is admittedly very messy but my DP is always pissed off with him and I just can’t do it anymore. I feel like I’m constantly going into the kitchen to make sure he’s washed his pots properly or I’m tidying around after him so DP doesn’t get annoyed. The problem I have is that I don’t know if my DS is worse than other teenagers or if my DP needs to get over it because it’s just typical behaviour. I’m going to list a few of the things he’s done that DP has been angry about and hope people give their opinion because at the moment I feel like I may have to end my relationship with DP and he says it’s not fair that he should lose his family because of this but then why should I have to deal with him being angry and be anxious all the time that he’s going to find something that displeases him?

He cooks late at night when he gets him from friends houses, last night it was 11pm. DP was banging around and I knew he was looking for something he has done wrong, he came to bed angry that he had got burger fat all over the cupboard / oven door and hadn’t used the right utensils etc (I’m not sure if this was the case or how bad it was because I had gone to bed)

He had friends over without asking and DP claims they knocked some of his fishing tackle down the cellar stairs and that it was all scratched, again I haven’t seen how bad the damage is.

He is messy, leaves messes in the counter etc (he has started wiping up after I spoke to him)

He eats a lot! Like mountains of cereal and tuna etc.

DP gets / has gotten angry when DS has eaten something intended for us but I have always defended this tbh as I don’t think it’s fair if you haven’t written your name on it or expressed that it shouldn’t be eaten.

He used metal utensils on non stick air fryer and expensive pans and scratched them. DP used to claim son was scratching the sideboards but I showed him how easily they get scratched even with cardboard etc. DP said air fryer was ruined but we’re still using it 1 year after that incident.

DS is lazy, difficult to explain but moves around very slowly and doesn’t seem to be able to find a stable PT job although he does go to college.

Last night DP says son treats it like a doss house ‘cooking at 11pm’ making a mess and ruining his stuff (brought up from previous incident) I felt like he was looking for stuff to be annoyed about because he asked if our son had enjoyed a particular snack that he saw the rubbish for in the bin, I believe he thought my teenager had eaten the snack but actually it had been our DS - regardless though my son should be able to eat surely?!? I should add that DS did buy his own burgers and I have spoken to him lots of times about being messy etc but he’s my son at the end of the day. DP is also really messy! Leaves cups lying around, protein powder spilt on the side, he ruined my lino the other day moving the washing machine etc and I’m always really pragmatic and say ‘don’t worry accidents happen, I just wish you were more forgiving when they happen to other people’ but he isn’t going to stop getting pissed off about it all so it’s a pretty sad situation really.

Help?

edited to add that I can’t carry on like this, the last time he was cross about something I believe I had a panic attack and I just couldn’t breathe. It’s incredibly triggering for me because I walked on eggshells as a child and used to lay in bed covering my ears in case someone had done something to upset my Dad and I find myself doing that - last night whilst I could hear OH downstairs opening cupboards etc and knew there was going to be a problem. Even if people think my son is 110% the problem I’m not sure what more I can do to change him, I’ve spoken to him and do believe he is slightly better.

Team DH. I wouldn’t be able to tolerate all of that from anyone. Your son is treating your house like a doss house, and is disrespectful to everyone else in it.

I’m sorry but I think your DP is right-your son is treating your house like a diss house, making a mess and you are enabling it.

I'm with your husband. Your son needs to grow up and treat your home with respect. Aren't you sick of being his skivvy already?

Both your boyfriend and your son need to grow up and very quickly or they will ruin your relationship with them both. I bet you're sick to the back teeth of both of them.

I think your son is being a typical teenager. But it sounds like the situation is traumatising you and your dp doesn't sound like a catch anyway. I think you will be calmer and happier single and with a cleaner house tbh. You son also won't want.to visit when he does move out if this man is still around.

They're both at fault.
Your DS really should buck his ideas up. Cooking late at night when there are young children and others asleep is rude and antisocial and forgetting to use appropriate utensils and damaging non stick is inexcusable at 18 tbh.
They're never going to comfortably live together.
Your DP is no angel but it sounds like he's fed up with living with a lazy and inconsiderate teenager.
Teens can be a bit flaky and lazy but I think your son is taking the piss a bit.

DS is an adult and appears to have no respect for your home or other people’s possessions. If he wasn’t your son but DP’s son or a lodger, would you tolerate the behaviour? If he doesn’t like his step-dad criticising his lazy, disrespectful behaviour then he has the option of shaping up, not being lazy or disrespectful, and clearing up after himself - he isn’t a young kid making the odd mistake or forgetting things because he’s still learning, if he was living in student halls or a flat share as many other 18-year-olds are his peers would be annoyed at him eating their food, damaging their things and leaving messes for everybody else to clear up.

Your DP sounds like he's just at the end of his tether. Your DS sounds lazy and disrespectful.

I'd say no cooking after 9pm for a start. At that time he can make a sandwich and clean up fully after himself

It does sound like your son should learn to be a bit tidier and careful. But it also sounds like your partner is actively looking for faults with him and waiting to moan. He’s a hypocrite as he’s also untidy and not careful.

You shouldn’t feel like you’re treading on eggshells on your own home and I think your partner sounds like a bit of a bully. My kids would be priority.

This is the struggle though! My child comes first 100% but looking at the responses so far most people think my son is being completely unreasonable. So do I throw away a relationship with the father of my children because of this? Because I can’t see a solution to it all!

I think it’s a bit of both. Ds should be more care re knowing things over and using the correct utensils. Dh seems to just be looking for any excuse so have a go.

You said you spoke to ds and he does now clean the side. So clearly he can improve. You’re dh however also need to improve by stop looking for every tiny thing.

Hell I’ve scratched pans before as an adult because I didn’t realise it would. It’s a mistake an accident as long as it doesn’t keep happening.

Perhaps you could suggest a weekly family meeting when things like this are discussed and rules agreed, and ask your DP not to flip out in the moment as that's what's causing you stress. Make sure you put nice things like what you're proud of each other about on the agenda.

I think you dp has a right to give feedback but he needs to do it in as respectful a way as he would talk to his own kids.

When my sons were living at home, I banned cooking after 9.30pm, as I was sick of getting up in the morning, to face a sink full of pans, if they were hungry when they got in late, they could have toast, toast is quiet and not messy!
Your partner sounds not only intolerant of your son, but intolerant generally. If your son left home, he would probably start on the younger ones. If he is messy himself, he needs to realise that it is his duty to set a good example.
How on earth does fishing tackle get scratched, falling down cellar steps? Is it gold plated?
You should not have to live like this, make some rules, your son can abide by, and your partner needs to either rein in his bad temper, or leave.

I'm with your DH on this. At 18 youshould be able to clean up after yourself, respect items in the home and have some consideration. If he is hungry at 11pm, he should quietly make himself a sandwich.

Because I can’t see a solution to it all!

Lay down the law with your son for a start. He's treating your home like a frat house. No cooking after 9pm, no guests that you haven't granted permission for, no leaving the kitchen a disgusting filthy mess. If he damages something, he replaces it.

Also your dh is one to talk leaving behind messes himself, ripping Lino though being carelessness. Then snide comments over rubbish that wasn’t even your oldest it was your shared child’s.

Id lose the man. His much older and is actually everything his complaining your oldest is. Messy not careful and lazy.

This stuck out to me

I felt like he was looking for stuff to be annoyed about because he asked if our son had enjoyed a particular snack that he saw the rubbish for in the bin, I believe he thought my teenager had eaten the snack but actually it had been our DS

I think he’s looking for faults with the one child who isn’t his. He’s a bully and although your son obviously needs to be a little more considerate, I wouldn’t stand for any man bullying my children. You’ve said yourself that your partner is messy and has ruined your floor but he has no tolerance to an 18 year old doing similar. It sounds really nasty to me.

Boe good can a relationship be with a man who spends his picking on your son and makes you feel anxious?

Sounds like they are both at fault.

Is ds off to uni? He can’t be as inconsiderate and messy as now - especially if he uses shared appliances etc Just because he’s improved a bit, doesn’t mean he’s at an acceptable standard to share kitchen at uni/home.

It sounds like your h is looking for reasons to moan at your son. Even if ds never entered the kitchen again, dh will have something to say.

That should read,

How good can a relationship be with a man who spends his time picking on your son and makes you feel anxious?

I see both sides of this. Your DS is messy but a lot of older teens/young adults are. Have you ever seen inside a student house?
However, yours isn't a student house and DS needs to treat it in the way that is expected. Cooking at night is annoying and disruptive if people are in bed. I leave a plate of the family dinner for my son if he's out, and he just puts it in the microwave. Would that work better?
DH sounds intolerant though. Is he ever nice or kind to your DS or has he just got it in for him?
What's the next step for DS - is he planning on university? Mine aren't academic kids and have some SEN but once they turn 18 I've often thought uni would be a really good way for them to leave the nest and make a mess in their own kitchen!

It’s getting on a bit to wait till he’s 18 to ask him to clean surfaces once he’s cooked and made a mess don’t you think?

I think that passing comment shows your expectations of your son are incredibly low and I suspect while you’re apparently walking on eggshells waiting for DP to complain, he’s probably constantly stressed and anxious and grumpy about the mess that’s being created in his home. Once I’ve tidied down for the night I expect to find my home in the state I left it. If I woke up to burger grease down the walls and food I was going to feed my young kids gone because an unemployed young adult in my home made a midnight feast I would be absolutely fucking raging.

You’re effectively blackmailing your partner by insisting he tolerates living in a tip with someone who doesn’t care about anyone else or you’ll ditch him and take his kids away. If you taught your son some manners you wouldn’t be feeling panicky. Put the blame where it’s due.

An 18 year old should be able to cook whenever he wants. I also think he should be able to bring friends home. Obviously they need to be tidier and considerate, but to ban those things is very controlling.

I think he’s looking for faults with the one child who isn’t his. He’s a bully and although your son obviously needs to be a little more considerate, I wouldn’t stand for any man bullying my children. You’ve said yourself that your partner is messy and has ruined your floor but he has no tolerance to an 18 year old doing similar. It sounds really nasty to me.

I also agree with this.

We have a Keep Out Of The Kitchen at 10pm rule.. We also have a drawer designated for Hungry Teens in the freezer... Involve ds more in meal times. Take turns to cook. He clears up. It is a learned skill... Nagging doesn't work. They just stop hearing you. Your dp nagging isn't helpful. He is making a divide..

This is the issue with SDC. You’re can be left living with behaviour your absolutely hate, but you have no agency to change it.

Mine are lazy old this, I couldn’t live with them full-time. It just wouldn’t work.