Step father / step son relationship

[Weddingbells6]

I am really struggling. DP and I have 2 children (primary school age) I have an 18 year old son that lives full time with us. My son is admittedly very messy but my DP is always pissed off with him and I just can’t do it anymore. I feel like I’m constantly going into the kitchen to make sure he’s washed his pots properly or I’m tidying around after him so DP doesn’t get annoyed. The problem I have is that I don’t know if my DS is worse than other teenagers or if my DP needs to get over it because it’s just typical behaviour. I’m going to list a few of the things he’s done that DP has been angry about and hope people give their opinion because at the moment I feel like I may have to end my relationship with DP and he says it’s not fair that he should lose his family because of this but then why should I have to deal with him being angry and be anxious all the time that he’s going to find something that displeases him?

He cooks late at night when he gets him from friends houses, last night it was 11pm. DP was banging around and I knew he was looking for something he has done wrong, he came to bed angry that he had got burger fat all over the cupboard / oven door and hadn’t used the right utensils etc (I’m not sure if this was the case or how bad it was because I had gone to bed)

He had friends over without asking and DP claims they knocked some of his fishing tackle down the cellar stairs and that it was all scratched, again I haven’t seen how bad the damage is.

He is messy, leaves messes in the counter etc (he has started wiping up after I spoke to him)

He eats a lot! Like mountains of cereal and tuna etc.

DP gets / has gotten angry when DS has eaten something intended for us but I have always defended this tbh as I don’t think it’s fair if you haven’t written your name on it or expressed that it shouldn’t be eaten.

He used metal utensils on non stick air fryer and expensive pans and scratched them. DP used to claim son was scratching the sideboards but I showed him how easily they get scratched even with cardboard etc. DP said air fryer was ruined but we’re still using it 1 year after that incident.

DS is lazy, difficult to explain but moves around very slowly and doesn’t seem to be able to find a stable PT job although he does go to college.

Last night DP says son treats it like a doss house ‘cooking at 11pm’ making a mess and ruining his stuff (brought up from previous incident) I felt like he was looking for stuff to be annoyed about because he asked if our son had enjoyed a particular snack that he saw the rubbish for in the bin, I believe he thought my teenager had eaten the snack but actually it had been our DS - regardless though my son should be able to eat surely?!? I should add that DS did buy his own burgers and I have spoken to him lots of times about being messy etc but he’s my son at the end of the day. DP is also really messy! Leaves cups lying around, protein powder spilt on the side, he ruined my lino the other day moving the washing machine etc and I’m always really pragmatic and say ‘don’t worry accidents happen, I just wish you were more forgiving when they happen to other people’ but he isn’t going to stop getting pissed off about it all so it’s a pretty sad situation really.

Help?

edited to add that I can’t carry on like this, the last time he was cross about something I believe I had a panic attack and I just couldn’t breathe. It’s incredibly triggering for me because I walked on eggshells as a child and used to lay in bed covering my ears in case someone had done something to upset my Dad and I find myself doing that - last night whilst I could hear OH downstairs opening cupboards etc and knew there was going to be a problem. Even if people think my son is 110% the problem I’m not sure what more I can do to change him, I’ve spoken to him and do believe he is slightly better.

I’d have loved to have seen your difference in responses if the the 18yo DS was a DD.

People would be telling the OP he probably fancies her.

So much anger and hate for a perfectly normal and harmless teenage boy, so much defending of a bully. Why do you all hate teenage boys?

Flabbergasted by some posts on here.

contrary to the bizarre UK system (which is not adopted anywhere else) that “you’re 18, you’re an adult!”, 18 is just a teenager who is still learning. I feel extremely sorry for your son - he is clearly trying to rectify the problems. Don’t people remember being 18? You’re just a bit crap at life. Usually you’re used to your parents doing quite a lot and then you are suddenly expected to step it up and it’s hard. And you’re lazy. And you’re careless and you want to clean the hob but it never looks right.

he’s eating a lot, eating late and doing his best to tidy up. It’s not perfect but he will get there.

your OH on the other hand is a nasty prick and a bully. The reality is that NOTHING your son does will be right. He could have the kitchen sparkling and your partner is going to find some other stupid shit to complain about. He dislikes your son - he is possibly jealous of him, given the example with the weights. Funny your son wasn’t allowed to but then suddenly your OH wants the same? Is he pulling rank or copying? Either way it’s troubling.

none of us are in your house - YOU are. Your spidey senses are tingling because this is bullshit and wrong and you know it.

LTB. Honestly. Fucking leave him he’s a nasty piece of work and your life shouldn’t be like this.

Just wanted to add, yes your son is 18, yes he may go to uni at some point. This does not automatically mean he is definitely moving out any time soon or able to move out. He definitely should not be kicked out.

However, many young people have no choice but to live with their parents until they are in there early-late twenties, there are some people I know in their 30s having to move back in with their parents. The housing market (rent & to buy) is shockingly put of control.

Your son sounds like a normal teenager and actually quite a good one of he is trying to take on board what you tell him and does jobs that you ask without complaining. Dies that mean DS is innocent? No. But he is far from a piss taking, entitled boy who has no idea how the real world works.

Your husband sounds like a dick who dislikes/resents your DS.

If this is how you feel now, do you really think you can overcome this? He is purposefully finding any fault with your son. How do you think you would feel in 10yrs time if you stayed with DH? Do you think you will be happy and think that he treated your DS fairly?

Youre husband is making an ass of himself, you need to talk to him. Your son is being a dumb teenager, you should probrably correct that. You mentioned your dad was angry over small things- seems you married a guy who turned out somewhat similar.

I haven’t married him, thank goodness!

I hope he just leaves but I doubt he will. He has it pretty cushy and has nothing but debt (completely separate finances)

@Thisistyresome - your response is way off and frankly weird. You sound like a Victorian housemaster. There is nothing in anything OP has said to suggest he'd struggle to live independently, that OP has failed (to quote yourself) to equip him with "the skills to function" or that his siblings are suffering because of him. He sounds like, as many have said, a normal teenager. You're making up your own narrative here, to what end only you know.

I do think your son needs to do better but that is part of parenting a teen and such behaviours are not uncommon. You do need to address that with your son. The way your partner handles it is the problem. Coming to you angry so you loving on eggshells is unacceptable he could raise it with you in a healthier way (although I wonder if he's at the end of his tether now and the patience has gone?). While some of partners frustration may be excusable what jumped out at me is that your partner is just as bad leaving a mess and expecting you to pick up after him?! That makes any excusable frustration inexcusable because he's treating you how he moans your son is behaving. Shows he's a selfish git happy to put you out but not be put out himself as a normal part of raising teens. I think leaving a man who treats you this way in domestic duties is completely reasonable and would be regardless of your son's behaviour.

But please do work on your son's behaviour even if you split from partner over this. So many women are dealing with men like your partner with these sexist lazy attitudes and if we don't teach our next generation of voulus to do better our daughters will suffer like us

You tell your son that the kitchen closes at x time, if he is out with friends and is hungry at 11 pm then it's either cereal / sandwich or he buys himself a takeaway on the way home.

Is he having dinner earlier in the evening ?

You show your son how to clean / tidy up after himself to your expectations, if he doesn't get it right, show him again and again.

You discuss with your son what is in the fridge and who it is for, i.e. the extra large chicken is for dinner for the whole family on Thurs eve - do not go hacking the legs off it for yourself.
The ham / cheese / milk / tuna whatever - help yourself to whenever you want.

and show your son how to work the washing machine / how to sort his clothes for the washing machine. how to dry the clothes and how to fold/iron/put away his clothes.

It is prob a bit unfair your son bringing round friends late at night if there are younger children in the home.

Now your son is on his way to being able to look after himself,

sort the dp out - bye bye seems appropriate.

as i am at a total loss as to how he enhances your life ?

is he enhancing the other children's lives ?
or are they lying in bed waiting for his eruption...
are they walking around on eggshells during the day

or is he father of the year and it is just your own son that he actively dislikes ?

he sounds like my ex and it escalated and I left him. My son was 16 not 18 but it was clear he always found him to be in the way and I wasn’t tolerating that.

Having seen more of your updates OP your DP is driving this conflict.
Puts you in a very difficult position.

Keep the son, lose the cocklodger.

“Using the wrong utensils is out of order” fuck me, some people have got the wrong priorities in life. We’ve got an 18 year old here, who’s going to college, he goes to the gym, he cooks stuff for himself and cleans up afterwards (albeit not perfectly). He sounds like he’s doing great. You should be proud of him @Weddingbells6 and of yourself for getting him there. The problem is clearly the “D”P. Not least because he doesn’t actually clean up himself, and is a financial mess! The gall of him criticising your son.

Both play a part, but I do feel your partner resents your son. Always bashing him (yes he might be lazy), looking for things to complain about and blaming everything on your son.

Your partner is the exact same as your son, with his laziness and carelessness. I would be calling him out on everything from now on, not excusing it as accidental. Then have the conversation about how he feels in his own house.