Step father / step son relationship

[Weddingbells6]

I am really struggling. DP and I have 2 children (primary school age) I have an 18 year old son that lives full time with us. My son is admittedly very messy but my DP is always pissed off with him and I just can’t do it anymore. I feel like I’m constantly going into the kitchen to make sure he’s washed his pots properly or I’m tidying around after him so DP doesn’t get annoyed. The problem I have is that I don’t know if my DS is worse than other teenagers or if my DP needs to get over it because it’s just typical behaviour. I’m going to list a few of the things he’s done that DP has been angry about and hope people give their opinion because at the moment I feel like I may have to end my relationship with DP and he says it’s not fair that he should lose his family because of this but then why should I have to deal with him being angry and be anxious all the time that he’s going to find something that displeases him?

He cooks late at night when he gets him from friends houses, last night it was 11pm. DP was banging around and I knew he was looking for something he has done wrong, he came to bed angry that he had got burger fat all over the cupboard / oven door and hadn’t used the right utensils etc (I’m not sure if this was the case or how bad it was because I had gone to bed)

He had friends over without asking and DP claims they knocked some of his fishing tackle down the cellar stairs and that it was all scratched, again I haven’t seen how bad the damage is.

He is messy, leaves messes in the counter etc (he has started wiping up after I spoke to him)

He eats a lot! Like mountains of cereal and tuna etc.

DP gets / has gotten angry when DS has eaten something intended for us but I have always defended this tbh as I don’t think it’s fair if you haven’t written your name on it or expressed that it shouldn’t be eaten.

He used metal utensils on non stick air fryer and expensive pans and scratched them. DP used to claim son was scratching the sideboards but I showed him how easily they get scratched even with cardboard etc. DP said air fryer was ruined but we’re still using it 1 year after that incident.

DS is lazy, difficult to explain but moves around very slowly and doesn’t seem to be able to find a stable PT job although he does go to college.

Last night DP says son treats it like a doss house ‘cooking at 11pm’ making a mess and ruining his stuff (brought up from previous incident) I felt like he was looking for stuff to be annoyed about because he asked if our son had enjoyed a particular snack that he saw the rubbish for in the bin, I believe he thought my teenager had eaten the snack but actually it had been our DS - regardless though my son should be able to eat surely?!? I should add that DS did buy his own burgers and I have spoken to him lots of times about being messy etc but he’s my son at the end of the day. DP is also really messy! Leaves cups lying around, protein powder spilt on the side, he ruined my lino the other day moving the washing machine etc and I’m always really pragmatic and say ‘don’t worry accidents happen, I just wish you were more forgiving when they happen to other people’ but he isn’t going to stop getting pissed off about it all so it’s a pretty sad situation really.

Help?

edited to add that I can’t carry on like this, the last time he was cross about something I believe I had a panic attack and I just couldn’t breathe. It’s incredibly triggering for me because I walked on eggshells as a child and used to lay in bed covering my ears in case someone had done something to upset my Dad and I find myself doing that - last night whilst I could hear OH downstairs opening cupboards etc and knew there was going to be a problem. Even if people think my son is 110% the problem I’m not sure what more I can do to change him, I’ve spoken to him and do believe he is slightly better.

Both my ds were like this at this age - it took going to uni to make them see that they have to clean up or they will end up living in a tip. It caused a lot of arguments between me and DH who was their father. So it’s not really the step bit thats the issue perhaps. I used to get accused of being soft with them, he would in my eyes go overboard. Hard to navigate and you have my sympathies! I found 17-19 the hardest ages to parent and co-habit! It will improve but your OH needs to be on board- recognise it’s a hard but really really normal part of parenting teenagers and take anger out of the situation where possible.

Does your DP do any teaching of the 'cooking and cleaning as you go' life skills all of us need to learn in the home? I'd be telling him that until he's part of the solution, he needs to stop critiquing the problem OP.

It's a very typical developmental stage your DS has hit, they are starting to have autonomy over their own food intake and experiment with running a house within the safe boundaries of a family home, a unique opportunity to make mistakes and not face a harsh punishment for making those mistakes. It's our job as adults to steer and teach them how to do this effectively, not to stunt that, dictate, punish or withhold access to food and the kitchen just to suit our needs. Family homes are just that, for the family. Not just for the adults who are paying for it. I'll never understand why some adults don't get that they chose to have these children and with that comes a commitment that life isn't going to be perfect, living with multiple others is going to be chaotic and mistakes WILL happen, especially when those others are children and young adults who don't have an innate grasp on life skills. I understand even less the 'Do as I say, not as I do' mantra some adults seem to choose, it makes no sense to anyone and just breeds contempt and resentment.

I also have a dp and a son (18) from a previous relationship. My dp will moan about him but not to this extent plus it’s more jokey. I think your son could be more considerate for sure, but if your dp’s reactions seem excessive then that could be an issue. Are you able to sit them both down and discuss it all?

It may be worth the 3 of you sitting down and having an honest conversation of what's expected, not just what he expects of your son but also what you both expect of your partner such as showing your son some respect. Then pointing out to your partner that if he cannot treat your son better your not sure the relationship will work. Tell him his actions will determine if he looses his family, to avoid doing so he needs to treat the family equally and not continually look for faults. It sounds as though at least your son has you in his corner. It is concerning however that in time the younger children will pick up that dad let's them do things that their sibling gets told off for and could potentially lead to issues when they do something wrong and blame him because they know dad will believe them.

I’ve not read the whole thread and from your initial posts your DP does sound like he’s being an arse but your DS is being disrespectful eating anything in the fridge without checking first. I’d be telling him what he’s allowed to eat outside of normal dinner times (bread, eggs, tuna, cheese, pasta etc) but if he’s going in and cooking off burgers or chicken that’s clearly been bought for a meal then he needs to be pulled up on it.

He bought the burgers himself. I’ve spoken to him and I think all that’s happened is that he’s spilt some fat off them and not realised and not cleared it up. Truth be told I don’t think other half likes that he was cooking at 11pm even though we were out for a walk and it didn’t wake anyone, he did wash his pots (albeit it I rewatched them this morning) but OH wouldn’t think anything of making himself something at that time.

Your son is being fairly typical for his age but the solution is not to be scurrying around tidying up after him. You have to parent him to be better and more thoughtful. It will be more conflict in the short term but will make him better in the long term.

I have lived with housemates (of both sexes) and boyfriends in my younger days that were clearly cleaned-up-after and not “trained” properly by their parents. They were all intolerable. Do him a favour and sand off the rough edges before he moves out.

Your husband is clearly at the end of his rope. Try to be understanding of that but also it is fair to acknowledge that he is looking for reasons to be annoyed. It would probably improve relations immeasurably if he could see that you’re trying to improve things with your son (and for your son!)

If your marriage is otherwise happy, this is not a marriage ending thing. You have other children to think of too.

It must be difficult for everyone, maybe the step father has just had enough or just not used to having a teenager and is picking on everything instead of choosing his battles or the mother not backing him when he thinks she should.

In my case my partner and 18 year old son moved into my home, both of my older sons had moved out, I had brought them up alone since they were very young so I was no novice, I found out early on that he was an attention seeker and drama queen( his mother and brothers words) he caused so many problems with his lies , for example, I had sent a txt to him to say I wanted a word with him, his response was to run off and tell his grandmother that I had threatened him or we had decorated his bedroom specially for him, which he wrecked by ripping the wall paper as he left for university, there was many other examples, it was quite obvious to me that he was deliberately doing things which his mother could not see, or did not want to see.

It took 6 years before it was finally admitted that he was doing all those things deliberately to split myself and his mother up, we are still together but it has effected our relationship (I suppose I blame her for not seeing what her son was deliberately doing),he has never taken ownership for his behaviour, he is in his 30's now, I no longer have anything to do with him.

I would hope that the 3 of you can sit down and discuss it sensibly and listen to each other.

Your partner sounds like a bully. I hope you kick him out. Your poor son having this man constantly looking for problems with anything he does.

Your son is a teenager, still finding his feet. If your DP can’t put up with a teen being a teen, he shouldn’t have started a relationship with you. It sounds like he just dislikes your DS to be honest.

I think this is it. He just doesn’t like him and son probably does take the piss a bit but I’ve had enough of being told in an angry tone instead of him just telling my son himself and letting the small things go. I also think he’s exaggerating about some things to make it sound worse.

I don't like the sound of your dh lying in wait, trying to catch your ds doing something wrong. Teenagers do sometimes make mistakes due to inexperience, even sensible ones. Had anyone told him to use wooden spoons on non stick? I knew about it as a teenager only because my mum had told me about it.

I am not sure that partner speaking directly to son about cleaning etc will resolve the issue. I think it will make it worse. If he takes his nitpicking direct to the son I am sure they will end up arguing and he will push your son away.

They need to reach an agreement on expectations through a mediator (most likely you to provide balance) and then stick to their sides of the bargain.

People saying the DS needs to buck his ideas up etc., have you all missed that DP is messy and inconsiderate too?? DP seems like the problem here. He can't handle someone else behaving the way he does, and he can't handle the trials and challenges of a teenager living in the house. He's the adult, he needs to handle his concerns in a mature way, in partnership with you.

I think he was exaggerating with the grease. I hadn’t noticed it at all whilst in there. Son also had bought the food himself. I’m not taking his kids away, if we split he would have to leave as it is my house but I would certainly ensure he saw them as much as possible. My son goes to college full time so I wouldn’t necessarily call him unemployed but agree he needs a PT job (he had had a seasonal one previously) I appreciate your opinion on this but I think you may be under the impression that my son is worse than he is which may be my fault as I was listing the things he’s done as my OH sees them and some of those things to be honest could have easily been other people but OH just happened to see my son cooking etc so therefore the mess must be his etc. He doesn’t go into the living room for example so leaves nothing laying around in there etc. He is polite etc but he has made some mistakes. Partner does zero cleaning also unless he’s decided to clear up my son’s mess like last night just to make a point. He had thrown shoes about etc to sort of exaggerate how bad things were, we had something in the way of this cupboard (a box he left laying around) and I think if he had looked before he saw soon eating burgers that there would have already been a mess. I do it all, including his mess, after dinner pots etc.

DP needs to learn how to let certain things go (instead of bringing up past wrongs). He also shouldn´t act in a manner that triggers your child hood trauma. You NEED to tell him that it is unacceptable.

But you also need to be firm with your DS. He is 18, an adult! He should not cook at 23 and he definitely needs to clean up after himself.
Eating food meant for everyone is inconsiderate as well. Get him a drawer with basic food stuff (or he can fill it himself) which is meant for snacks etc.

I agree with this. My stepdad had no tolerance for me when I was growing up. I moved out at 18. My Mum was so stressed - he was emotionally abusive and would shout alot. We both have anxiety for it and now I never shout at my children for accidents as I know the detrimental effects.

Do people really ban cooking after a certain time? Jesus!

I think your son needs to be more considerate re mess and noise but it all sounds typical teenage stuff to me!

Your partner sounds like he's looking for fault tbh.

Sounds to me that DH is messier than DS

This is your problem.

"My child comes first 100%"

Are you actually helping your son who is now 18 by not having nay standards of behaviour? You appear to have mollycoddled him too long. I was looking after most of this stuff myself by 13.

When your son moves out what state will he live in? You appear to have failed to equip him with the skills to function. Your partner sounds like he is being a bit unreasonable, but I suspect this has been building for along time and you failed to address you sons behaviour/life skills.

You are putting your 18 year old first at the expense of your other children.

I think the problem is your husband and I'm really surprised so many think it's the DS.
It sounds like the only person it bothers is your DH. Yet DH is equally as messy, but happy to constantly find fault with your DS.

He's 18, has a part-time job, cooks for himself, etc. Plenty of teenagers are messy, from your post it's hard to tell whether it's purposeful, or whether he's left a mess because he's rushing/tired. Does he help with other things around the house? Does he tidy up when asked? When I was a teenager I probably scratched loads of pans as I didn't really see what the big deal was (as someone who cooks daily and pays for appliances/utensils I do now understand). I doubt its out of spite or laziness.

I've read so many posts on MN of teenagers and even DC in their 20s that can't cook or do something for themselves, so I disagree that DS is taking the piss.

I'd ditch the husband, it sounds like he has major issues with your DS and if you can't put up with it, imagine how your son feels.

But he is cooking and cleaning up after himself and every time he doesn’t do it ‘right’ I show him / explain how to do it. He goes to college so I’m not sure where I’ve failed to prepare him for life. He’s not perfect and when I think he’s in the wrong I tell him, he never answers me back or anything so I don’t really know what else I should be doing. I had him do a bit of gardening yesterday, no he didn’t offer but he did do it when asked.

I think your son is no angel and using the wrong utensils is out of order. But I'm concerned about the fact that your partner objects to him eating food (boys that age eat for England) and he's having to buy his own food when still in full time education. We were broke when I was in 6th form as a family but my parents never asked me for a penny and even when mum died and the ss stoped dad's benefits, he let me keep the money from my part time job.
You don't say how long he's been cooking his own bits, he's still learning, perhaps a couple of lessons, telling its best if he cleans as he goes.

I think people are reply over reacting over the utensil thing. Sayings it’s inexcusable and out of order - how is he supposed to know unless he’s told, and with teenagers you have to say it more than once?

Oh FGS another I’ve reaction. The boy can cook for himself and appears to have no signs of alarming years ahead of him other than he’s a bit of a thoughtless teenager (living in a house with a bully and a poor mum pushed to the brink).

You are putting your 18 year old first at the expense of your other children

Did I miss something, is the 18yo harming the younger children?