Step father / step son relationship

[Weddingbells6]

I am really struggling. DP and I have 2 children (primary school age) I have an 18 year old son that lives full time with us. My son is admittedly very messy but my DP is always pissed off with him and I just can’t do it anymore. I feel like I’m constantly going into the kitchen to make sure he’s washed his pots properly or I’m tidying around after him so DP doesn’t get annoyed. The problem I have is that I don’t know if my DS is worse than other teenagers or if my DP needs to get over it because it’s just typical behaviour. I’m going to list a few of the things he’s done that DP has been angry about and hope people give their opinion because at the moment I feel like I may have to end my relationship with DP and he says it’s not fair that he should lose his family because of this but then why should I have to deal with him being angry and be anxious all the time that he’s going to find something that displeases him?

He cooks late at night when he gets him from friends houses, last night it was 11pm. DP was banging around and I knew he was looking for something he has done wrong, he came to bed angry that he had got burger fat all over the cupboard / oven door and hadn’t used the right utensils etc (I’m not sure if this was the case or how bad it was because I had gone to bed)

He had friends over without asking and DP claims they knocked some of his fishing tackle down the cellar stairs and that it was all scratched, again I haven’t seen how bad the damage is.

He is messy, leaves messes in the counter etc (he has started wiping up after I spoke to him)

He eats a lot! Like mountains of cereal and tuna etc.

DP gets / has gotten angry when DS has eaten something intended for us but I have always defended this tbh as I don’t think it’s fair if you haven’t written your name on it or expressed that it shouldn’t be eaten.

He used metal utensils on non stick air fryer and expensive pans and scratched them. DP used to claim son was scratching the sideboards but I showed him how easily they get scratched even with cardboard etc. DP said air fryer was ruined but we’re still using it 1 year after that incident.

DS is lazy, difficult to explain but moves around very slowly and doesn’t seem to be able to find a stable PT job although he does go to college.

Last night DP says son treats it like a doss house ‘cooking at 11pm’ making a mess and ruining his stuff (brought up from previous incident) I felt like he was looking for stuff to be annoyed about because he asked if our son had enjoyed a particular snack that he saw the rubbish for in the bin, I believe he thought my teenager had eaten the snack but actually it had been our DS - regardless though my son should be able to eat surely?!? I should add that DS did buy his own burgers and I have spoken to him lots of times about being messy etc but he’s my son at the end of the day. DP is also really messy! Leaves cups lying around, protein powder spilt on the side, he ruined my lino the other day moving the washing machine etc and I’m always really pragmatic and say ‘don’t worry accidents happen, I just wish you were more forgiving when they happen to other people’ but he isn’t going to stop getting pissed off about it all so it’s a pretty sad situation really.

Help?

edited to add that I can’t carry on like this, the last time he was cross about something I believe I had a panic attack and I just couldn’t breathe. It’s incredibly triggering for me because I walked on eggshells as a child and used to lay in bed covering my ears in case someone had done something to upset my Dad and I find myself doing that - last night whilst I could hear OH downstairs opening cupboards etc and knew there was going to be a problem. Even if people think my son is 110% the problem I’m not sure what more I can do to change him, I’ve spoken to him and do believe he is slightly better.

So does your boyfriend bully his own kids too, or just your son? @Weddingbells6

Just to add, I do really feel for you OP, but you need to deal with this situation. You can’t let your son be bullied and you can’t live feeling anxious everyday yourself.

If you feel the relationship is worth saving, then I would spell out to your partner that you will simply not put up with it. He stops or the relationship is done. You have 3 children, not 2 and you will not let one be picked on.

Personally, I think this is who you’re partner is. Whether it’s jealousy or competition or something else, I wouldn’t want to be with him.

Peoples responses are weird, there's no excuse for some bloke you moved in to your child's home to be actively seeking out ways to bully him. Advocate for your son, be confident, don't be cowed or gaslit by the man.

Crikey. I’m not sure what to think at this point. Such differing opinions. I’m so sad about it all and don’t know who is right or wrong. My OH gets very annoyed with our own children if they spill because they’re not being careful or if they don’t look after their belongings and clothes but it isn’t bad because I do most of the parenting tbh. It never occurred to me that this might be an issue with our own children, I thought it was just my son he would be like this with. Other half spills - a lot! And I’m always trying to model ‘it’s just an accident’ etc but I give up I think, I actually feel so low about this. I might be a single Mum again over something that seems so small to me but I can’t carry on anxious about what my son is going to do that my OH deems disrespectful etc.

Shocked at the first few replies. They are very untypical of responses on here normally, as most sensible, normal women are very intolerant of their children being treated that way by abusive arseholes. For that is what he is.
Keep listening to your gut, OP, and stand up for your son. And leave this bullying bastard asap.

I bet your partner wouldn’t pick on his own kids like this .
regarding food- we have communal food like milk and tea bags etc -and then a cupboard each for our own treats , snacks etc - and we don’t take from each others cupboard .
maybe that will help if your son can have his own cupboard for his own food etc

Other than that he sounds like a normal teenage boy . One day he will leave home and you don’t want him never to visit because your partner is there and he knows he doesn’t like him .

Your DH is a bully and a hypocrite.

Your DS sounds like a typical thoughtless bottomless pit 18 year old. Mine could go through 6 Weetabix and 2 pints of milk at the drop of a hat. Your DH is picking fights.

Each week in the shopping, tell your DS what you’re buying for him to fix for himself, or ask what he’d like you to stock up on. He eats that at whatever time, and no one else is missing out.

Buy kitchen spray/wipes and leave them out, tell him you expect him to wipe up after himself when he makes food.

That sorts out the two reasonable causes for complaint.

Your DH is completely out of order nitpicking. He’s doing the alpha male bullshit, getting at the younger adult male in the home who he feel threatens his authority. He needs to grow up or piss off.

I have an 18 year old at home and a 23 year old who has just moved into his own home & to me it seems your son doesn’t have much respect for the family home. None of mine would be cooking burgers at 11pm. What can’t he just have a sandwich? Is he having dinner with you as a family and still needs burgers at 11pm?
If my 18 yo is on a late shift then they will make something earlier in the day/day before they can just reheat after work (and will clean up after)

I can see both sides, I have a 17 year old daughter who is incredibly messy and yes, it is annoying, but this is her home. When the mess is pointed out she cleans it up and is now washing up after cooking but I despair of the bedroom mess and leave her to it as long as I can shut the door.

Your latest update stated that your partner does also complain about spills and mess of your shared children which indicates that he is being somewhat fair in approach (challenging all children) but it does also sound like he is focussed on your son at the moment. Do you think he would be the same with shared kids when they are older?

Personally, I would hold a 'meeting', explain the problem to partner and son together and the impacts it is having on you and that you cannot go on like this. Explain to partner that he has to work on his approach and anger or he will be out, he says he doesn't want to lose his family so he should be willing to put some effort in.
Son does sound like a normal teen and happy to help out - however he is old enough to understand about cleaning, tidying and respecting other people's space, belongings and need to sleep.
It will take a joint effort to solve!

Hmmm…. I wouldn’t be impressed with someone cooking at 11pm; I work shifts and need my sleep! It’s just considerate when you live with other people to not make noise and mess at night. You shouldn’t be tidying after your DS either, at 18 he should be doing that himself.

My ex-DSD sounds like your DS. Her DF never disciplined her about it (she lived with us but her DM lived very close). The reason she lived with us was because her DM made her contribute to chores. When she went to uni she was in a shared house, after the first year the others refused to share with her again as she did no tidying of communal areas and wouldn’t even wash up her dirty dishes.

I’ve done most of this already, wipes are out on the side and he does do a clean but it’s not what I would do. I don’t think son left as much grease as OH is insinuating tbh. I think he just can’t figure out how he cooked his burgers so is assuming he did them on a baking tray with no foil so therefore any mess must be his. He has been dripping fat all over from his burgers but I’ve just been cleaning it up, I’ll speak to him about it and show him how to do it but why couldn’t OH just do that? OH left protein powder on side this morning just as an example. I don’t care I just wipe it up. He genuinely feels he’s the wronged party. This morning he’s text me saying first his stuff gets ruined and now he’ll lose his family - I’ve had a little look at his stuff and it certainly isn’t ruined!! There’s a chip on a metal plate (designed for using at the side of a river 🙈) and I can’t see any scraped on his fishing reels, they are certainly usable! And this incident was 6 weeks ago!

Your DP won’t say anything to your son as he knows he is being a dick - so he takes it out on you instead - and your nerves are shot to pieces with it.

The problem isn’t your son it’s your DP unable to manage his feelings towards your DS - every little thing is getting under his skin and he is now actively looking for things to turn you against him - because he isn’t brave enough to speak to him himself.

If your DP was obsessive about keeping the house clean he wouldn’t leave such a mess himself. He is a hypocrite. He isn’t your DS dad so as he is maturing in to an adult your DP wants to boot him out the nest.

Honestly- I’d tell your DP to get off his back and leave him alone as his behaviour (DP) is making you unwell.

I have a very messy 28 year old that comes to visit - and your ds sounds much easier than mine!

Agree with this.

DS sounds like a normal 18 year old. He has some growing up to do, but he doesn't deserve to be nitpicked to death.

DP has no business moaning constantly and looking for fault like that. He sounds like a bully.

If you feel on edge then it speaks to the toxic dynamics in your home.

If DS improved, I suspect DP would find something else to moan about.

The first few replies would have been different if you'd written 'my boyfriend is very messy, he seeks out things my son has done in order to bully him' instead of trivial day to day tasks you son carried out. Other people don't matter though.

If you framed it as being towards a woman, can you see how your blokes behaviour is abusive? If he were storming about checking up on a mundane chore you had done in order to berate you, is that ok?

Your partner is nothing but a nasty bully, checking everything over to find a problem with anything and everything that your son does.

My dad was like this, finding faults with everything we did and then went off to tell my mum hoping she’d team up with him. Absolute bastard. If she didn’t team up with him, he’d sulk.

Put your kids first and get rid of this bullying bastard before he ruins your relationship with your children.

If DS improved, I suspect DP would find something else to moan about.

He definitely would, it’s what his sort do. My brother and me were pretty much perfect because were were scared to death of what our dad would do if something wasn’t up to his standard when he felt like being a bully. He still found fault. We both left home at 17/18 because it was so miserable living there. He was also a hypocrite, left mess everywhere.

Your partner is being a total bully. A nasty bully licking on those weaker than him, like bullies do.

He has ridiculous expectations of an 18yo. Some 18yo’s are coming home at 1am drugged go to the eyeballs, abuse their parents and smash things up. Cooking at 11 isn’t disruptive and a big of burger fat / so what. Mess can be cleaned.

Leave now before he started to bully your other children or before your 18yo decides he had a hellish home life and his mum just put up with it. The younger kids will also be picking up on the bullying BTW and this will be the benchmark they’ll learn about relationships.

It’s my house. That’s comical really isn’t it? Bought in cash whilst in a relationship with him but not living together. Of course he’s paid for appliances, pots, pans etc but the deeds are in my name. He’ll say he has nowhere to go, he doesn’t but that’s hardly my fault.

I wouldn't like the cooking late at night and damaging stuff. However eating a lot and moving slowly? That just sounds like typical teen/human behaviour. I wonder if your dh will be so harsh on his own child if and when he starts exhibiting similar behaviour.

There is fault on both sides and I think you definitely need to get your son to stick to a few more boundaries, however I doubt it will ever be enough for your dh and personally I couldn't live on eggshells wondering when the next row or complaint is going to erupt.

My dh and ds sometimes clash but I always try to make sure they sort things out quickly. I can't live in a constant toxic atmosphere.

11pm isn’t usual tbh he had been out with friends and it really wasn’t noisy but I agree he needs to not cook that late really. He does wash his pots and wipe up but it’s the way a young person does and when I say I go in it’s usually only to check and clean it to my standard, he’s isn’t leaving pots in the sink.

OP, I've read all of your posts, you sound exactly like me.

Keep that in mind mind for the next bit because I say this with kindness - you've already decided what your going to do.

You don't need to make a post to confirm your right in your choices. Search your heart. The feeling you described isn't just anxiety, because I've felt it too. It's the triggering of your fight or flight mode, and the crushing heart palpitations when you hear a tone change, or banging around is so horrible, noone should have to live like that.

On the offchance I'm wrong, the only way to salvage everything is to sit down with your dh, and go through examples and how it made you feel. Surely a loving partner wouldn't want their other half scared and anxious all the time? Tell him his unwillingness to listen to you and communicate meaningfully can result in the end of the relationship, so he'd better actually engage with this. You have to be strong, because it's the only way to salvage what you two had.

I’m really glad to hear that OP.

He’ll have to find somewhere else, not your problem. If you decide to end things, and imo you should, don’t let him guilt you.

I am team son

Thank you. I am more confused than ever. OH hasn’t called me as he does every day so clearly feels he’s the wronged party. It’s not really something I can sort is it? I’m not willing to remove son from home, happy for OH to lay the law down a bit with him and help him and guide him but he isn’t. I’ve spoken to son and I feel there are improvements. We’ll see what happens when IH comes home, you would think he would want to either leave or speak to son if it’s that bad but he just wants to be angry, have me upset and anxious and then carry on as normal until the next ‘incident’.

I’m on your DS’s side, perhaps he could clean up after himself a little more, perhaps he could ask before bringing friends aletc -but it seems as if he does try and he is your DS and he’s only 18. What does your DP expect you to do - throw your DS out ?? You’re hardly going to do that.

The incident with the utensils scraping the non stick pan - purely accidental I’m sure and not being aware of the correct utensils to use. Your DH sounds a little like a bully’s - following your DS around, waiting to catch him out on something.

Fortunately for you, you are not married to this man and own your home yourself.