Step father / step son relationship

[Weddingbells6]

I am really struggling. DP and I have 2 children (primary school age) I have an 18 year old son that lives full time with us. My son is admittedly very messy but my DP is always pissed off with him and I just can’t do it anymore. I feel like I’m constantly going into the kitchen to make sure he’s washed his pots properly or I’m tidying around after him so DP doesn’t get annoyed. The problem I have is that I don’t know if my DS is worse than other teenagers or if my DP needs to get over it because it’s just typical behaviour. I’m going to list a few of the things he’s done that DP has been angry about and hope people give their opinion because at the moment I feel like I may have to end my relationship with DP and he says it’s not fair that he should lose his family because of this but then why should I have to deal with him being angry and be anxious all the time that he’s going to find something that displeases him?

He cooks late at night when he gets him from friends houses, last night it was 11pm. DP was banging around and I knew he was looking for something he has done wrong, he came to bed angry that he had got burger fat all over the cupboard / oven door and hadn’t used the right utensils etc (I’m not sure if this was the case or how bad it was because I had gone to bed)

He had friends over without asking and DP claims they knocked some of his fishing tackle down the cellar stairs and that it was all scratched, again I haven’t seen how bad the damage is.

He is messy, leaves messes in the counter etc (he has started wiping up after I spoke to him)

He eats a lot! Like mountains of cereal and tuna etc.

DP gets / has gotten angry when DS has eaten something intended for us but I have always defended this tbh as I don’t think it’s fair if you haven’t written your name on it or expressed that it shouldn’t be eaten.

He used metal utensils on non stick air fryer and expensive pans and scratched them. DP used to claim son was scratching the sideboards but I showed him how easily they get scratched even with cardboard etc. DP said air fryer was ruined but we’re still using it 1 year after that incident.

DS is lazy, difficult to explain but moves around very slowly and doesn’t seem to be able to find a stable PT job although he does go to college.

Last night DP says son treats it like a doss house ‘cooking at 11pm’ making a mess and ruining his stuff (brought up from previous incident) I felt like he was looking for stuff to be annoyed about because he asked if our son had enjoyed a particular snack that he saw the rubbish for in the bin, I believe he thought my teenager had eaten the snack but actually it had been our DS - regardless though my son should be able to eat surely?!? I should add that DS did buy his own burgers and I have spoken to him lots of times about being messy etc but he’s my son at the end of the day. DP is also really messy! Leaves cups lying around, protein powder spilt on the side, he ruined my lino the other day moving the washing machine etc and I’m always really pragmatic and say ‘don’t worry accidents happen, I just wish you were more forgiving when they happen to other people’ but he isn’t going to stop getting pissed off about it all so it’s a pretty sad situation really.

Help?

edited to add that I can’t carry on like this, the last time he was cross about something I believe I had a panic attack and I just couldn’t breathe. It’s incredibly triggering for me because I walked on eggshells as a child and used to lay in bed covering my ears in case someone had done something to upset my Dad and I find myself doing that - last night whilst I could hear OH downstairs opening cupboards etc and knew there was going to be a problem. Even if people think my son is 110% the problem I’m not sure what more I can do to change him, I’ve spoken to him and do believe he is slightly better.

I’m just stood in my kitchen looking at all the weights my OH has in here. He encouraged me to say that son’s weightlifting in the kitchen is untenable (it was really) and he’s joined a gym. Just wondering at what point did I think it was normal that my OH would then want to do weights in the kitchen / yard. Mug springs to mind.

Yeah, my first opinion still stands. In a nutshell - "husband can fuck off with his manchild tantrums"

Personally it sounds like your partner is a control freak, what happens when your eldest has enough and moves out, will he start picking on the things you do and at or on he other children? He sounds abusive to me.

Your child should be able to cook if his hungry and been out all day. Food is there to be eaten and unless told to ask first before taking certain things that's part of life. Did he have a go at your other child regarding the snack or did he just stop when he found out his own child had eaten it.

How was their relationship prior to marriage, further kids and living together? Personally struggling to see the attraction to this man if this is how he treats your son. My fiance is not my eldest father biologically but he treats our messy 17 year old who never does anything without a fuss far better. Thank heavens he does otherwise our wedding would be called off.

Dump your OH and ask him to move out, the house isn't even his. Even if your son is in the wrong, your OH is a total bully and is trying to lay down the law in a house he hasn't paid for. Your son is clearly trying to improve and your instincts to support and guide your son are clearly correct.

I don’t allow DS23 to cook after about 9 - it’s inconsiderate, and to be fair he’s never really done it. He batch cooks his lunches and is usually doing it around 9 and cleared up by 10.

On the other hand, we’ve both scratched our pans with the wrong utensils, and if your OH has damaged the Lino I’d be going on about that. I’d pull him up on going around looking for something to have a go at your DS for - that’s pathetic.

Absolutely! He should have been kinder if he didn’t wanna lose his family.

FWIW I never understand what utensils to use with which pans I just chuck the food in and get on with it. And I’m in my 40’s

We’re not married, they’ve never been close. I have an older daughter who has left home who he had a better relationship with. He stopped as soon as I said our son had eaten it. I do call OH out just so you know. I said “Did you think DS had eaten it? Is that why you’re asking?” He denied it and said he just wondered because son was looking forward to it! I don’t believe him.

😂 I’m not particularly careful with stuff either which hasn’t helped. I suspect a lot of the scratching of pans etc may have even been me and I have said that. I think the first few replies have thrown me so I’m very grateful for those of you that are more forgiving of teenage behaviours. I feel a bit better.

At 18 they are nowhere near being an adult in their brain development. He sounds like a typical teen. Eats a lot? I'd be delighted he's growing and needs it! My dd is 26 and still living at home (moving out soon). She has too many annoying habits to list.

Dh (her stepdad) gets frustrated but is a tolerant person, so if she comes in late and leaves a few things out in the kitchen, he'll do it in the morning! Not his job but then there are worse things! I'd really struggle with this and would be interested to know if he'd feel the same when his own kids are 18!

So basically oh can be messy, lazy, damage things accidentally, have weights in the kitchen.

But is ds does any of those things it’s a huge deal. While he also has a bad relationship with his own step father? Did I read.

The oh definitely needs to go. His such a hypocrite and a bully.

He sounds like a good guy, I’m happy for you genuinely.

I think you’re right because if I solve a problem there will be another one! For example if I say no cooking after 9pm he will likely make himself some tuna and that will be an issue because it smells / he wastes some / doesn’t wash the tin out properly etc etc. no one wants to be told they can’t eat after 9pm surely?

This is ridiculous! He complained about son's weights in the kitchen and you supported by encouraging son to join a gym only to then have partners weights in the kitchen because that's somehow different? Typical arsehole behaviour.

I would be cross too but you are not a mug, sounds like you have been trying to keep everyone happy. Surprised that your son hasnt pointed this out though.

Honestly OP MN seems to hate teenage boys for some reason. It’s very odd and I spot it everywhere

Teenagers are by their very nature selfish and thoughtless. There’s a difference between leaving the mess because “Well it’s time to eat my burger innit” and “I’m not cleaning that up because I’m a prick and mum can do it”. No teen is perfect but if hes reached 18 and is able to go to college and cook for himself, that’s a lot a teen parents dreams! So what if he moves slow, bless him.

Has he every made much effort with him? Doesn't sound like it. He wouldn't take him out for a pint and have a proper chat with him?

Me too. I am surprised so many are siding with DH. Looking for faults to bully is so nasty. I couldn't respect a man who did this at all.

OH did it in a very sly way tbh. It was ‘I daren’t go back to the gym, I’ve put weight on. I’m going to buy some weights and do them in the garden and buy a storage box for the garden’ then when it arrived he ‘didn’t realise how big it would be’ etc etc’ the only difference is son did take over kitchen for hours at a time which was a problem, OH hasn’t done this once yet but the irony isn’t lost on me!

He should do!! I’ve suggested he spends more time with him but admittedly son is difficult to talk to, he’s doesn’t say a lot but Oh could definitely try harder!

Yep!!

I often read posts on here about the way people treat their teen or adult children (like they’re some kind of lowly employee and not a person you chose to bring into the world) and I want to say “When your child gets a partner and they spend every Christmas at their partner’s parent’s house and not yours, you only have yourself to blame”

His bedroom is a mess. I have only gotten angry about that. I try to show him how to clean kitchen, use right utensils etc. I was cross when he had people over because he had left a mess but it was a one off.

OP as others have said, the whole direction of a thread can be determined by the first answer. A lot of posters seemingly have no mind of their own and just regurgitate what has already been said. I wouldn't pay too much attention to the first few answers tbh.

Your son sounds like a typical teenager. Both my DH and I sound messier and more careless with utensils etc than he does (especially DH!). We both burn/scratch pans occasionally and neither of us leaves the side impeccable after cooking - at least your son is attempting to clean (unlike your DP with his protein powders!). And if you don't go to bed/sleep until midnight then what the hell is the problem with him sticking some burgers in the oven? I wouldn't be happy if he was clattering plates and pans etc with the younger kids asleep but I can't see that oven cooking some burgers can make that much noise?!

The only thing that would annoy me is eating food intended for others - DH used to regularly eat 'my' snacks and food like a pack of chicken breasts etc that I'd earmarked for dinner. But that was solved by having a shelf in each of the fridge, freezer and cupboard that was out of bounds.

Your DP sounds like a control freak and a hypocrite (using his weights in the kitchen after banning your son from doing so is frankly absurd and feels to me like him exerting his authority and superior position in the household...)

Dh is behaving like a silver back gorilla. Beating his chest. Subduing the herd. When it is not even his house! Beat yours and tell him to fuck off.

OP I also grew up with an angry Dad, always looking for things to be mad about. I COULD NOT live the way you are. Your poor son, isn’t it his home, I would hate to think of my kids having to tip toe around, instead of feeling comfortable and relaxed. I think it’s telling that your DH has a go at your son via you, bullies are often cowards.

Same here

Honestly OP MN seems to hate teenage boys for some reason. It’s very odd and I spot it everywhere

I have seen a fair bit of that on mumsnet. It’s horrible. Also it’s most often women pregnant with boys on the ‘gender disappointment’ threads too.