Step father / step son relationship

[Weddingbells6]

I am really struggling. DP and I have 2 children (primary school age) I have an 18 year old son that lives full time with us. My son is admittedly very messy but my DP is always pissed off with him and I just can’t do it anymore. I feel like I’m constantly going into the kitchen to make sure he’s washed his pots properly or I’m tidying around after him so DP doesn’t get annoyed. The problem I have is that I don’t know if my DS is worse than other teenagers or if my DP needs to get over it because it’s just typical behaviour. I’m going to list a few of the things he’s done that DP has been angry about and hope people give their opinion because at the moment I feel like I may have to end my relationship with DP and he says it’s not fair that he should lose his family because of this but then why should I have to deal with him being angry and be anxious all the time that he’s going to find something that displeases him?

He cooks late at night when he gets him from friends houses, last night it was 11pm. DP was banging around and I knew he was looking for something he has done wrong, he came to bed angry that he had got burger fat all over the cupboard / oven door and hadn’t used the right utensils etc (I’m not sure if this was the case or how bad it was because I had gone to bed)

He had friends over without asking and DP claims they knocked some of his fishing tackle down the cellar stairs and that it was all scratched, again I haven’t seen how bad the damage is.

He is messy, leaves messes in the counter etc (he has started wiping up after I spoke to him)

He eats a lot! Like mountains of cereal and tuna etc.

DP gets / has gotten angry when DS has eaten something intended for us but I have always defended this tbh as I don’t think it’s fair if you haven’t written your name on it or expressed that it shouldn’t be eaten.

He used metal utensils on non stick air fryer and expensive pans and scratched them. DP used to claim son was scratching the sideboards but I showed him how easily they get scratched even with cardboard etc. DP said air fryer was ruined but we’re still using it 1 year after that incident.

DS is lazy, difficult to explain but moves around very slowly and doesn’t seem to be able to find a stable PT job although he does go to college.

Last night DP says son treats it like a doss house ‘cooking at 11pm’ making a mess and ruining his stuff (brought up from previous incident) I felt like he was looking for stuff to be annoyed about because he asked if our son had enjoyed a particular snack that he saw the rubbish for in the bin, I believe he thought my teenager had eaten the snack but actually it had been our DS - regardless though my son should be able to eat surely?!? I should add that DS did buy his own burgers and I have spoken to him lots of times about being messy etc but he’s my son at the end of the day. DP is also really messy! Leaves cups lying around, protein powder spilt on the side, he ruined my lino the other day moving the washing machine etc and I’m always really pragmatic and say ‘don’t worry accidents happen, I just wish you were more forgiving when they happen to other people’ but he isn’t going to stop getting pissed off about it all so it’s a pretty sad situation really.

Help?

edited to add that I can’t carry on like this, the last time he was cross about something I believe I had a panic attack and I just couldn’t breathe. It’s incredibly triggering for me because I walked on eggshells as a child and used to lay in bed covering my ears in case someone had done something to upset my Dad and I find myself doing that - last night whilst I could hear OH downstairs opening cupboards etc and knew there was going to be a problem. Even if people think my son is 110% the problem I’m not sure what more I can do to change him, I’ve spoken to him and do believe he is slightly better.

@AnneLovesGilbert Her partner also seems fine with ‘living in a tip’ then as OP says he leaves cups lying around, protein powder spilt on the side, he ruined my lino the other day moving the washing machine etc. He’s hardly one to talk.

Your boyfriend is also messy, so he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Does the man pick on his own kids as much your son? (I already know the answer to this..)

I'm going against the grain I don't like the way your dh is actively looking for issues.

Yes your ds needs to tidy after himself and should be respectful but when your dh discovered his child ate the snack did he have issue?

I couldn't have my child living with someone who dislikes them and I wouldn't be leaving my dh to parent children who aren't his.

Oh god so do I! But almost everyone thinks it should be 9pm and that’s it! To me it’s just eye rolling stuff! Rather than the end of the world (I did get very angry about him having people over and damaging things (although I haven’t seen the damage I suspect it’s being embellished!) this all isn’t helping at all.

This. I cannot believe that people are saying it's all on the son when dPARTNER was searching loudly around the kitchen after bedtime looking for what Son might have done wrong. He didn't get up to a mess, and the son wasn't loud, he went to look specifically for something to moan about.

Op spends more time picking up after her DP than the son and he has no awareness that he's an utter hypocrite.

And whilst he's NOW 18 I'm guessing this nit picking behaviour of the cuckoo in the nest has been going on a long time.

Why are you getting angry about damage you haven't seen?
Your partner says DS did this, say ok can you show me so I can talk to him properly. Then you know if it happened or not.

The fact that you suspect it’s being embellished is quite telling. It sounds to me that you know he is bullying your son and has it in for him, but you don’t want to face up to it. I do understand not wanting to rock the boat but if your son feels that he’s being picked on and you also sees you not defending him, it could destroy your relationship with your son.

How was your partners relationship with your son when you first got together and in the last few years?

Honestly I couldn’t see anything amiss so I know DP was looking. He looked to see how son had cooked burgers (saw him peek in the frying pan which sent my spider senses tingling) and then he was fine in the living room for about half an hour but when I went to bed I could hear him rummaging (you get used to what it normally sounds like don’t you?) my issue is that he could have at that point called my son down and spoken to him and said please make sure you use this that and the other and clean up etc etc but he just comes to me angrily.

my issue is that he could have at that point called my son down and spoken to him and said please make sure you use this that and the other and clean up etc etc but he just comes to me angrily.

What happens if he does this? Does your DS listen? Has he done this in the past?

People saying you would be angry if food had gone I tended for them or the little ones, are you
labelling your stuff? Or expecting older children to only eat what they bought? He doesn’t have a job but goes to college. Separate shelf? Honestly I just would rather replace whatever he eats but it sounds like I’m in the minority.

I am baffled by the early responses! People genuinely think op's son is treating the home like a doss house based on this?

• has friends over without asking. Who the hell makes their 18 year old ask permission to have friends over? Unless it's a sleepover, very late, they are anti- social etc, but none of this is stated though!

• scratched non stick pans by using wrong utensils - a learning curve that most young people experience

• spilt burger fat on a cupboard door and didn't clean it - if this was the only thing that DP could find to complain about then clearly he had cleaned up after himself!

• dp suspected he and his friends knocked over and damaged his fishing tackle. DP also thought DSS had eaten something, turned out he was wrong. Maybe he should stop black sheeping him and assuming everything that goes wrong is down to him

• cooking food at 11pm- easily resolved, just tell him no cooking after 9.00. He sounds like a kid who listens and makes changes accordingly, based on the fact OP told him to wipe the vet the counters after cooking and he now does this

Your DP on the other hand sounds like a nasty bully, banging around looking for ways to find fault with your son, and lazy to boot. And I doubt this suddenly started at 18 so basically throughout your son's childhood he has been picked on and scapegoated by your vile partner.

God, this is horrible to read. Your partner puts a lot of effort into catching your son out. What a nasty piece of work he is. Your poor son. He may be 18 now, but please look out for him.

So with food on our house it’s basically fair game. Apart from what I call the lunch box box. That box is for items purely for lunches for school. My oldest is 15 and even he will come down at 10pm and whack a few chicken burgers in the air fryer. His also been known to finish off a whole box of cereal but we always have more than one type so it’s never an issue.

If there was really something I wanted wanted just for me I’d just make it well known.

Most of this does sound like normal teenage behaviour, the air fryer and non stick pan thing is annoying but also sounds like a mistake because he didn't realise? Assuming you told him not to do it again.
I have a 13 yo and she will make herself noodles or hot chocolate etc and always leaves some sort of mess, I do remind her and show her how to clean it and she does get better.
I would expect an 18 year old to be wiping up after themselves and washing up/loading dishwasher. Cooking at 11pm would annoy me if they were making excessive noise.
I think DS should be able to eat anything within reason unless told it's one each of these etc, or this belongs to x.
Does DS contribute to the house like paying towards food or buying anything? Difficult when in college but should be able to manage a budget and part time job. Does he help with chores? I would expect an 18 year old to be helping with the housework and cooking for the family some nights.

How old was your DS when you met DP? Have they always had a poor relationship or is it a new thing? Do you think DP is being hard on DS because he's not his biological child or he just doesn't get what teenagers are like?

"People saying you would be angry if food had gone I tended for them or the little ones, are you
labelling your stuff? Or expecting older children to only eat what they bought? He doesn’t have a job but goes to college. Separate shelf? Honestly I just would rather replace whatever he eats but it sounds like I’m in the minority"

@Weddingbells6

you are not in a minority, posters have done a sheepie and followed the first couple responses. On another day at a different time you would get different responses.

18 year olds need to eat for christ sake, they eat loads! And he's going to college so parents are responsible for feeding him!

I'm with your ds here.
He's being a normal teenager, it's his home too.
Your dp will find out when his dc hit their teens.

My 2 are adults now, I miss their crazy teenage years.
You'll regret being hard but you'll never regret being soft.
I suspect many of the pp's don't have teens.

Ask your dp's parents what he was like at 18.

I’m with you OP.

I have a 20 year old who is at uni now, but before he was and when he’s home, unless I specifically say not to eat that because it’s for tonight’s dinner or for your sister lunch or whatever, he can eat what he likes. He can also cook at 3am if he wishes and brings friends back. It’s his home. I’ll often find my son and his younger sister cooking at midnight and then watching a film. It’s lovely.

I’ve cried reading this. I honestly don’t want to end a relationship but I genuinely don’t think I what he is doing is so bad that I deserve my OH angry at midnight. I don’t know why he can’t just tell him he has a problem instead of bringing it to me, I don’t mind him calling him down and asking him to clean up etc as long as it’s just a stern tone etc. The kicker here is that we like to go for a walk late at night and my son listens out for our kids and would ring us if they woke so I really don’t think cooking at that time is the end of the world either when actually he’s doing us a favour! I’m prepared to tell him no cooking after 9pm it’s not an issue but it isn’t loud so it wouldn’t personally bother me. If he makes a mess he doesn’t clean (he always attempts to clean he’s just not very good at it) at 1pm or 11pm what’s the difference? We don’t go to bed until midnight at least.

I think your DH sounds awful, your son shouldn't have to live with someone breathing down his neck like that, looking for fault. Nor should you! You sound very tense, understandably.

18 year olds are often a pain in the arse with mess, late nights, cooking, noise with friends .... the fact that we love them so much gets us through this phase. And it is another phase, it won't last forever. As a step parent your DH doesn't have that unconditional bond but he needs to try a hell of a lot harder. How would he feel if it was one of his kids on the receiving end of this treatment at 18?

It's still your son's home and he should be able to cook and have friends over. You need to keep having conversations with him about cleaning up after himself and keeping the noise down, but it sounds like your DH was doing most of the banging and crashing.

Thank you so much for this. This isn’t how I imagined my life. My OH was a massive problem child, in trouble with the police, out drinking / drugs / wrong crowd etc and my son is a pussy cat in comparison to what Oh was like. He’s just very messy / muddy / wastes ketchup 😂 etc. OH complains all the time about his own Dad (complicated but not biological) not wanting them etc and then everything my son does winds him up!

I honestly don’t want to end a relationship but I genuinely don’t think I what he is doing is so bad that I deserve my OH angry at midnight. I don’t know why he can’t just tell him he has a problem instead of bringing it to me,

It sounds to me like he wants it to be the both of you against your son. Don’t ever go along with that. This is not a healthy dynamic. Your partner is not a nice bloke, he’s a bully.

Your partner sounds like an absolute cunt. How does he react when his children damage something or make a mess?

I think this is weird too, he's your son and still in college so should be able to eat unless specifically told not to eat xyz (like eating all the lunchbox snacks or bread etc and leaving nothing for the morning)

Both are as bad as each other. Your partner has gotten into the mindset of actively looking for fault in your son when a lot of his behaviour is absolutely normal for an 18 year old boy. Your son does however need to pull his weight too. Why is it ok in your partners eyes for him to make a mess and leave it but not for your son? Sit down all three of you and tell then to be quiet and listen and then tell them how they have made you feel. Be brutally honest and then ask them to work with you on sorting it out for the future going forward. Tell each of them how you feel about their behaviour.

Anything he was finishing the last of I’ve worked around. We now have different milk and I have the milkman etc. I hide some stuff that I know OH ‘might’ ask for but I’m finding myself buying things that get thrown away because I’ve overcompensated etc. it’s actually ridiculous but judging by the responses more people that I imagined think my OH is right to be pissed off. It’s not helping tbh.