All men cheat

[laviniamarie]

I was having a coffee with a friend this morning she's literally just left and I can't get my head round what she's said, we were talking about our lives and husbands and shes let it slip her dh had an affair several years ago and she thinks he's at it again.

I never had any words of advice as my own dh would never do such a thing and I was quite shocked to hear her say that "every man would cheat given an opportunity" apparently she thinks that of he thinks he will never be caught he will do it.

What are your thoughts on this? To me it's utter bullshit, I have been married 6 years and my husbands whole world revolves around me and our children. He's a genuinely lovely human being and I don't think he would ever cheat but according to my friend he would if he thought he'd never be caught.

She's hurting and spouting bollocks.
I'd find out what she wants from you, advice or just a shoulder or that you distract her with talk of other things.

And only engage if it's either of the latter two.

It makes her feel better to think she can’t expect better because all men are the same, rather than facing the fact hers is a duff specimen. That’s sad for her and no reflection on your marriage.

Some men will, some won't. Mine certainly never would - neither my husband in over 50 years, nor our sons. I hate these generalisations.

Your friend is upset and disillusioned, which will be making her prone to believing the worst of men. But ultimately cheating is the same as anything that’s “forbidden.” Yes, plenty of people would cheat if they believed they’d never be caught - just as plenty of people would lie in a job interview, drive over the speed limit, steal, or commit fraud if they believed they’d never be caught. Cheating isn’t exceptionally different, it’s just another human behaviour. Obviously it isn’t all men, but plenty of men who appeared devoted family men and proclaimed to hate cheating have turned out to be unfaithful.

I don't agree with either of you.
She is wrong to say all men would cheat. Many wouldn't due to being very risk averse, having low sexual motivation, being too lazy to put the effort in, because they believe it to be wrong, or because they remain devoted to their primary partner and genuinely don't want anyone else till the end of their days.
You are wrong because you can't possibly know for certain if your husband will be in one of these categories for the rest of his days. No one knows another person's inner thoughts, no one can be certain peoples thoughts and feelings won't change. It's a long life and until we reach the end of it can never say with certainty what will or won't happen. Very few people who are betrayed didn't at one time believe their partner incapable of cheating.

She's distrustful of men, it's her opinion. From experience. Let it go

It's certainly common but no, of course not all men cheat.

I do think some people wrongly assume there can be no situations where they ever might, though. I've never cheated and don't plan to but if my husband were an arsehole, I was ground down and miserable and someone attractive offered me what looked like a lease of life...I don't know what I'd do, I've not been in that situation, but I can't be absolutely certain.

Of course not all men will cheat, that’s a silly thing to say. I think people, generally, are foolish to say ‘so and so would NEVER cheat’ or, to a lesser extent, that they themselves would never cheat because you just never know, but to say all men cheat isn’t correct.

Unless you can see into the future, you have no clue what your DH will/will not do

@AnneLovesGilbert I will take the phrase 'duff specimen' and use it all my days. Brilliant.

Not trusting people is her normal. It makes her feel better thinking that this happens to everyone. It’s obviously no reflection on your marriage.
I’d always say dh would never cheat in the same way he would say I would never cheat - I’ve not cheated before and don’t see it in my future but we don’t know for sure do we?! I guess we are all ‘capable’ of it but not all of us do it.

It’s also naive to assume your husband would never cheat - you don’t know what his thoughts are / will always be … you only know what he tells you .
How many women on here find out their husband has cheated and were completely naive to the possibility!

I kinda think it’s more true than not. But also depends on what you class as cheating.
nowadays it’s very easy to cross lines and develop secret relationships with our phones.

I’ve been cheated on by pretty much every guy I have been with when I think about it.

one thing I can confirm is it has nothing to do with you or your looks.

I know that sounds awfully pessimistic but I just believe it’s more true than not sadly.

No, it is absolutely not true that all men cheat. There are many, many decent men out there who are devoted to their wives and children and don’t stray, even if they are tempted.

I dont agree with either of you. She's wrong for saying all men and you're wrong for thinking you fully know that yours never would. I dont believe for one minute mine would, I'd be floored as he's amazing, loves me dearly and so on, but really how could I ever say he wouldn't? I'd like to think not, but we can't say what other people will or won't do.

Everytime you read on here about a woman discovering her husband's affair, mature, intelligent, thoughtful often long married women, shocked and blindsided by betrayal, is your go to thought really that they shouldn't have chosen a shit man? Do you really think all such women are reaping the results of their own poor judgment? Because I get that probably feels reassuring (because you chose wisely I'm sure!) but imo is complete nonsense. If your partner cheats something in him is flawed that may have been well hidden, or he has changed, as people do. You're unfortunate, not unwise.

I don't cheat and haven't (chance would be a fine thing!).

Most ' cheaters' I've know in the past seven years have been women.

It's not true obviously, and also ignores the fact many women cheat too.

It's silly to assume that your husband (or wife) would never cheat, because anyone can and even I have been surprised in the past, but it doesn't mean they automatically will.

Well my husband could have the opportunity to cheat just by wallkng to the shops* so what opportunity dp you mean?

• random place

And does it work for all women?, so one woman said 'all men cheat' so this means 100% of the males across the world have cheated? And unless they are gay they are cheating with women so all these women would have to be single or they are also cheating themselves

The idea makes no sense

There's studies right- I think it's 60% of men of married men will cheat.

Just googled and this was quoted a newspaper article: https://www.sexualhealthaustralia.com.au/extramarital-affairs-infidelity.html

So no- not all. But more than half do. Not all that reassuring :/

I do believe that many men lack the ability to think through the consequences of any actions - that's why men take more risks in general. They roughly weigh up the chance of being caught in whatever 'risk' they're taking (shortcuts at work, speeding, driving drunk etc) but that's as far as the thinking goes. So in that sense, your friend has a point.

In order to cheat though, they need a participating woman, so why is the blame for cheating laid solely at the man's door? There's only roughly three camps the woman/AP comes into:

1. The woman is also in a relationship/married and is a cheat too
2. The woman is single, but aware the man is married
3. The woman is single, and doesn't know.

So loosely speaking, two thirds of OW are as bad as the cheating men. We never truly know what another person is capable of. If an opportunity presents itself but the circumstances are wrong, the person won't cheat. If the circumstances and opportunity align though... I'm not sure anyone can 100% say their partner would 'never' cheat, but your friend is hurting and has gone too far in the other direction.

This ^

Of course it's not true that all men cheat and it's bloody stupid to think it's true.

I know with absolute certainty that I would never cheat. I am 70 now and have never cheated. I think it is totally despicable behaviour.

I also know for sure my DH has never cheated and never will. Don't bother telling me I am naive or I can't possibly be sure. Some people have morals