Is my friend using me for childcare?

[Sunshinemama1]

Hi I'm hoping for some advice as this is an issue my ex brought up a lot to me and very recently my mum has also commented which has shocked me.

My best friend and I are very close and have been friends for over 25 years, for the last year as she knows my schedule asks me to have her baby at least one day per week on my day off which I don't mind at all because I have a great relationship with the baby and it's helping her out.

However recently she booked both her babies christening and her wedding and asked other friends in our group to be the babies godmother and the other friend to be her bridesmaid. Im not a part of the wedding ceremony at all and although it's hurt me I understand the pressure and stress of events like this so obviously put my feelings to one side and have done all I can to support her.

The problem is now that it feels like everybody is bringing it up to me and I don't know what to say, asking if we have fell out or if she asked me and I said no or why am I not a part or the worst is her family or other friends assuming I'm both godmother and bridesmaid.

Since my mum has said to me I'm being used because would I drop my child off all day on my friends only day off work when she's a single parent without food, nappies etc and I couldn't imagine her not being part of my special day. This has made me think am I being used. Any advice would be appreciated.

So you do "at least" one day free childcare per week, including providing food and nappies? Even without the wedding/christening issue, I'd say that's pretty much a CF right there.

What does she do for you? I mean, do you spend time together? Go out together? Is she available to help you or just hang out with you?

I’m guessing she’s got you lined up (in her head) for looking after the children at both events

Unfortunately she sees you as staff....
Time to be busy on your day off. She has no regard for the relationship you have with her or her baby. She could cut you off in a flash imo. And you will be more hurt than you are now. Back away op.

So you do free childcare and provide everything? Why wasn't this discussed day one?
What does she offer you?

My advice would be to make yourself less reliable to her regarding looking after her kid.
There are consequences to taking liberties with people's time and that is what she will discover when you're out and about more and less free to look after her kid.
If I had dropped my kid off at someone's home for them to be looked after, I'd have made sure that I was definitely leaving a change of clothes (at least 1), nappies (if they were still of an age that used them) and plenty of the food they like and so on. I wouldn't ever drop them with nothing.

How about the next time you're expected to look after this particular friend's child you preempt the assumption that you'll be available and tell her "Mary, I won't be able to look after baby Adam next week. I've got plans that day. You'll have to find someone else to look after Adam." Don't say sorry that you can't do it, just inform her that you're unable to do it. Don't tell her what your plans are as they are none of her business (even if those plans are to watch Bridgerton all day!).

See how things go. If she throws a hissy fit because you're not available then you know that she is definitely taking liberties here and is pissed that her childminder (i.e. YOU) isn't available and you're making her life hard (you're not btw). If she's like "Ok, thanks for the heads up" and leaves it like that, then you would assume that she isn't one for taking liberties as much. It will all depend on how she responds to you telling her that you're not available.

Tell her you can no longer care for her baby once a week as you want to have fun/relax on your days off. Don't say sorry, just say you're letting her know. See how she reacts. If she's furious with you and tries to get you to change your mind, claims you've let her down etc, you have your answer.

Sounds like your mum is right.

Where are your children when she's dumping her baby on you?

If she and her DP can afford a wedding and a christening then they can pay for their own childcare Op, don't let her use you

Yes you are being royally used.

No payment, reciprocation, nappies, food.

Who does that.

And it turns out she doesn't hold you in the regard that you do her.

Sorry OP, she's a user.

Going against the grain, but if you like having the child over and the two of them are interacting well, why not get her to reciprocate? Say, for a regular Saturday morning gym slot.

She's using you.

As her to reciprocate, then see what she says.

I'd give her notice to find alternative provision and slowly fade her out.

If your mum, your ex and friends have all said something then you know that your friend is being a user.

Sorry OP.

Not being asked to a godmother (not Christian) or a bridesmaid would not bother me. No invitation at all to either event when you are close enough to care for her baby regularly is not nice behaviour. I also think your mum is right. Tell her you now work full time and can no longer provide childcare. Sadly, I think its likely you won't hear much from her again.

Yes, she's using you.

Your Mum is right, she is absolutely using you.

She's using you. Looking after her baby on your day off every week is beyond the realms of normality does she pay you or offer to treat you to thank you in any way?

Start being busy on your day offs. You'll soon see her reaction.

i don’t think it’s something we can answer (surprised at such a high vote tbh)- I wasn’t my best friend’s bridesmaid, I’m not organised and I have kids and she wanted someone who we going to be all about the planning etc etc. she didn’t have our other friend as one either because of proximity. There’s loads of reasons people don’t have other friends as the title roles that don’t mean that much to a lot of people anyway, and the invite could just be an error on her part, it’s not an automatic they hate you or are using you thing!!! I’d talk to her if you’re upset

If the OP is good enough to leave the dc with EVERY WEEK without pay, as a favour then she would be number 1 on godparent list surely.

”for the last year as she knows my schedule asks me to have her baby at least one day per week on my day off”
She’s cunning, exploiting you, and doesn’t value you. Pull up the drawbridge OP.

" would I drop my child off all day on my friends only day off work when she's a single parent without food, nappies etc"

No you wouldn't.

Just to clarify - have you been invited to both ceremonies but not as part of the bridal party/godparent?
or, not invited at all?

If the former, then I'd suggest that she fully intends for you to look after her child on the day of the wedding. I wouldn't be surprised if she also doesn't invite your child and expects you to find childcare for them with your family.

You need to set expectation if you are attending. I'm delighted to attend as a guest and have a day off. I've arranged for my dc to be looked after by mum and I'm planning on enjoying myself. What are you doing with baby x on the day of the wedding? If she stalls and indicates she was hoping you would "help out" on the day. Then you have your answer. You think it's a 25 yr friendship, she considers you free staff. I would either decline the invite or tell her that you are unbelievably hurt to be excluded in the way you have been and that it tells you that she does not value the friendship and your relationship with her child in the way you do. That you are prepared to go as a guest but not free childcare.

On the weekly childminding. She "knows your schedule". Not providing food and nappies for her child is the height of cheeky f*ckery especially to a single parent. If you want to continue with this arrangement then I would sit her down and simply tell her it is causing you financial issues.

Personally, I would say that you have decided to work another day a week as you need funds and will need to stop looking after her child. It's insanely CF behaviour if you are working 5 days a week and looking after her child on one of your two days off because you have a flexible schedule because you have to cover weekend working. Just because it suits her to offload her child and do something else.

If she baulks at that and offers to pay, tell her its £10phr cash in hand and that will include food, activities and consumables. It needs to be comparable to you working an extra day and bear in mind that if you work extra for your employer you will get extra pension and other benefits.

Why the hell are you having HER baby on YOUR day off?

OP, please stop this nonsense asap!

When were you supposed to next have the baby?

I think your mum is right. I expect if you stopped providing free care, she would be angry that you were letting her down rather than grateful for the months you have given.

I think it is very cheeky to expect a friend to provide unpaid childcare on that regular a basis. More so if she is not even sending nappies and food along with the child.

Are you paying for her child's food and nappies? I think you should talk to your friend and say "your family thought I didn't want to be your bridesmaid/godmother - do you think I wouldn't want to?" Also ask if the godmother will be doing childcare (not saying you should/shouldn't stop, just get an idea of her future expectations- does she expect this until the child is school age? Does she expect holiday cover once the child is at school? Is she expecting it for future children too?)

Hi hoping this message gets to everyone, thank you so much for all your replies and advice I really appreciate it and for confirming what I think I already knew deep down but didn't want to believe.

No she has never had my lg who is nearly 5, but to be fair I've never asked her to, I didn't have any help due to my mum working full time with her own business and my ex working away (our family is tiny) so for 2 years I worked part time round nursery hours. I understand how hard it is and don't mind helping out my friend however as my mum said she has a massive family and many other friends but she only asks me. I've had the baby every week since September when my lg started school.

In terms of the wedding there has already been mention of me minding the baby over the wedding because she says childcare is too expensive so I think many of you may be right that maybe she is expecting me to step up as childminder for the event.

I am going to let her know I'm changing my work hours and if we could start going on play dates instead and see how that goes.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and for your advice 🩷