Is my friend using me for childcare?

[Sunshinemama1]

Hi I'm hoping for some advice as this is an issue my ex brought up a lot to me and very recently my mum has also commented which has shocked me.

My best friend and I are very close and have been friends for over 25 years, for the last year as she knows my schedule asks me to have her baby at least one day per week on my day off which I don't mind at all because I have a great relationship with the baby and it's helping her out.

However recently she booked both her babies christening and her wedding and asked other friends in our group to be the babies godmother and the other friend to be her bridesmaid. Im not a part of the wedding ceremony at all and although it's hurt me I understand the pressure and stress of events like this so obviously put my feelings to one side and have done all I can to support her.

The problem is now that it feels like everybody is bringing it up to me and I don't know what to say, asking if we have fell out or if she asked me and I said no or why am I not a part or the worst is her family or other friends assuming I'm both godmother and bridesmaid.

Since my mum has said to me I'm being used because would I drop my child off all day on my friends only day off work when she's a single parent without food, nappies etc and I couldn't imagine her not being part of my special day. This has made me think am I being used. Any advice would be appreciated.

Yes. I'm afraid it does sound like your Mum is right. Sorry.

I'd start being busy on your day off. Organise some things that you want to do and let her find some proper childcare.

Do you have children too?

Does she ever look after yours?

What does your friend do on the day you have her baby?
If she is working it could be childcare issues (although still not your problem to sort) but if she is having a lazy day/shopping/ meeting up with others etc then yes sorry she is using you.

For the christening, is your level of faith aligned with hers? If yes then YANBU, but if not then it is natural for her to pick someone who is closer to her religious beliefs.
I'm not religious myself, but my siblings are and a lot of factors went in to their decision, not just how close the person is to the baby.

For the bridesmaid choice, if you have indeed been very close all that time then yes it's pretty shit of her! Although ultimately it's her choice, I would reconsider the friendship (and the free babysitting).

So let me guess this straight, you’re a single mum and on your days off, your friend is asking/expecting you to look after her child, and yet you’re not part of the inner circle for her wedding/christening, and others have noticed this discrepancy.

Either she has assumed you’re an automatic part of this group, or she’s being grossly unfair. What does she do on your days off - work or have a baby free day?

I would start being less and see how she reacts. Do spend any time together, coffee etc, or are you now just her babyminder?

Is she having many bridesmaids?

We also had an issue with choosing godparents as we wanted someone religious not just someone we were close to.

do you two hang out a lot too? Or are you just child minding?

im sorry, must feel shitty.

I’m afraid your Mum might be right. Say no to helping the next time your friend asks and see how she reacts.

Yes you most definitely are. I’d be saying no, and asking her to look after your children for a change while I’m at it. This is very much one of those occasions where she needs to ask her frequent favours of one of the people she shows she values.

Your mum is right.

So she doesn't even drop off any nappies, food etc.,? Yeah, she's using you

Another one chiming in to say it does very much like your Mum may be right.

I'd put a stop to the free babysitting pronto. Not as tit for tat for not making you godmother/bridesmaid, just because your so-called "friend" has a bloody cheek imposing on you like that!

To me it would depend who else she asked. Is she religious? Are the godparents religious? Are you?
With the bridesmaids I didn't ask my two best friends because I only had young attendants, as was more usual when I married. Are you married with children? If she asked a sister to be her MOH and then had unmarried bridesmaids that might explain that. Only you know if her actions were explainable.
I do think you're very generous having her baby one day a week.

Yes she is using you. One day a week is unfair if she doesn't reciprocate. You are being taken for a mug.

I'd say that looking after baby all the time is too much and you have your own stuff to sort out. If you ate going to do a days childcare you may as well work and get paid for it.

She clearly doesn't think of you as a good enough friend to be God mother or bridesmaid but I wouldn't mention this at all. She has told you what she thinks of you. Listen to her.

Even without all the godparent/ bridesmaid business, I’d think this wasn’t on.

Surely if you wanted to be working that day (and caring for someone’s baby is work) you’d be doing paid work? Like she is. She’s on to a good thing with free childcare and no need even to leave nappies!

I would say this arrangement no longer works for you Op, and reclaim the day off.

One day a week alone is you being used unless it was a mutual long term thing

Yes your mums right. Just say no to looking after her DC.

Sadly sounds like you are. I think you need to start saying no and see what her reaction is.

If she's asked a cousin/childhood best friend/ sister to be bridesmaid and someone from her church to be god mother, I think those are reasonable explanations and you don't need to get hurt. If she's just asked friends other than you, this is not fair to you at all.

She should pay for childcare - she’s not a good friend and the godmother / bridesmaid issue makes that clear.
I would say you need your day off to be free so you can build your own social life with your baby.

Listen to your Mum.
Your friend is taking advantage of you.
She knows you love the baby and could possibly control you in the future. Either you do everything I want or you won't see my baby.
Don't be a doormat OP.
And yes I think she has other friends she prefers who were bridesmaids and Godmother. I'm sorry this happened to you xxx

Yes, definitely being used.

How awful to be so reliant on you for FREE childcare and not ask you to be a bridesmaid or godmother. I'm assuming she's going to expect you to take care of her child alot around the wedding time as reason not to be bridesmaid.

You should speak to her about this.

A full day every week on your day off with no pay, and not even nappies provided, is taking the piss regardless of anything else.

If you're a working single mum surely you have enough on your own plate!

I disagree with some of the posters here on the religious element of the godparent issue. If she is religious then she can appoint 2 whose faith aligns with hers and can be spiritual guardians for the child, but given you have a huge role in this child’s life I would expect that to be formally recognised and acknowledged. You are right to be hurt and to question things. I would start saying no on occasion and see if it impacts the friendship- my thought is if you start to be less helpful you’ll find she pulls back

You are absolutely being used. In your shoes I'd stop offering the free childminding service - she can ask the bridesmaids and godparents to fill in as she's obviously closer to them!