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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my friend using me for childcare?

327 replies

Sunshinemama1 · 15/05/2024 08:23

Hi I'm hoping for some advice as this is an issue my ex brought up a lot to me and very recently my mum has also commented which has shocked me.

My best friend and I are very close and have been friends for over 25 years, for the last year as she knows my schedule asks me to have her baby at least one day per week on my day off which I don't mind at all because I have a great relationship with the baby and it's helping her out.

However recently she booked both her babies christening and her wedding and asked other friends in our group to be the babies godmother and the other friend to be her bridesmaid. Im not a part of the wedding ceremony at all and although it's hurt me I understand the pressure and stress of events like this so obviously put my feelings to one side and have done all I can to support her.

The problem is now that it feels like everybody is bringing it up to me and I don't know what to say, asking if we have fell out or if she asked me and I said no or why am I not a part or the worst is her family or other friends assuming I'm both godmother and bridesmaid.

Since my mum has said to me I'm being used because would I drop my child off all day on my friends only day off work when she's a single parent without food, nappies etc and I couldn't imagine her not being part of my special day. This has made me think am I being used. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
childlessandfree · 15/05/2024 13:43

No one ever asks me to babysit if they try to ask they will get a flat out NO even if im doing nothing i`ll still say NO.

viques · 15/05/2024 13:46

Well clearly you can’t be a bridesmaid and be available for childcare during the wedding , the wedding night and possibly the lovely honeymoon they are planning afterwards. I would have thought that was obvious - which is no doubt why your grabby entitled friend hasn’t bothered to explain it to you.

(Such a shame that your new hobby starting next week is essentially child free, though fortunately for you it is on your day off.)🙂

Crumpleton · 15/05/2024 13:49

I am going to let her know I'm changing my work hours and if we could start going on play dates instead and see how that goes.

Let's hope she doesn't miss read that and expect you to take her DC on the play dates while she makes excuses not to go.

BananaLambo · 15/05/2024 13:55

What is she doing while you are looking after her baby? Is she working or is she enjoying the day to herself? I wouldn’t make excuses. Just say ‘I want to let you know that I am going to stop looking after baby after this week. I want to have the flexibility to do other things with my day off’.

spriots · 15/05/2024 14:01

Crumpleton · 15/05/2024 13:49

I am going to let her know I'm changing my work hours and if we could start going on play dates instead and see how that goes.

Let's hope she doesn't miss read that and expect you to take her DC on the play dates while she makes excuses not to go.

I would be tempted to say that you're changing your working hours so she'll need to look after your DD every Saturday..

Toooldtocareanymore · 15/05/2024 14:15

another vote here for listen to your mum, (aside from wedding, christening matters etc and if you are her BEST friend how are you not involved, at least without a discussion about it??) a whole day every week sounds like you are very much free child care, say nothing to her, you don't need to make up stories about changing work hours, just do not be free any day for next few weeks.

JohnSt1 · 15/05/2024 14:24

You need to tell her why you are upset. I remember feeling very used when a "close friend" asked someone else to be a godparent. I was the best friend when I was useful. There was sudden radio silence before the christening. I've always regretted not saying anything.

Another friend asked me to be a godfather, so now my goddaughter is going to inherit my house. Bad move on the part of Friend 1. 🤣

LookItsMeAgain · 15/05/2024 14:28

Don’t tell her that you’re changing your working hours. Instead tell her your working hours have changed (it can be a white lie if they haven’t actually changed yet). Say you’re not available to mind her kid as a result. Don’t offer any more details than that.
See how it goes.

Oh, she is most definitely expecting you to look after her kid at the wedding. I’d make plans and say that as you’re not going to be in the wedding party (as you believed that you were close friends) you’ve already made plans to be away (again, she doesn’t need to be told anything more than that).

Its time to put a stop to her taking advantage of your generosity.

Jetstream · 15/05/2024 14:31

Sunshinemama1 · 15/05/2024 10:45

Hi hoping this message gets to everyone, thank you so much for all your replies and advice I really appreciate it and for confirming what I think I already knew deep down but didn't want to believe.

No she has never had my lg who is nearly 5, but to be fair I've never asked her to, I didn't have any help due to my mum working full time with her own business and my ex working away (our family is tiny) so for 2 years I worked part time round nursery hours. I understand how hard it is and don't mind helping out my friend however as my mum said she has a massive family and many other friends but she only asks me. I've had the baby every week since September when my lg started school.

In terms of the wedding there has already been mention of me minding the baby over the wedding because she says childcare is too expensive so I think many of you may be right that maybe she is expecting me to step up as childminder for the event.

I am going to let her know I'm changing my work hours and if we could start going on play dates instead and see how that goes.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and for your advice 🩷

Do not babysit her child on her wedding day. She is taking the mick.

DomPom47 · 15/05/2024 14:40

Please be firm with her. You have been so incredibly generous with your time. With the wedding/Christening thing it is clear that she is taking advantage of you as a baby sitter and this is not on. You need your day off for yourself and chilling out and sorting out life admin etc. an odd day here or there would be normal but every week - please put a stop to this.

Polishedshoesalways · 15/05/2024 14:42

Call her out.

‘Others have noticed I am neither a godmother or bridesmaid at your wedding, despite the fact we have been best friends for over 25 years and I care for baby x every week, I have no idea what to say. What is your take on this?’

ScribblingPixie · 15/05/2024 14:42

In terms of the wedding there has already been mention of me minding the baby over the wedding because she says childcare is too expensive so I think many of you may be right that maybe she is expecting me to step up as childminder for the event.

That sounds like a job for the godmother? I'm glad you're seeing this behaviour for what it is, OP, and that your mother has your back. You sound lovely.

CaveMum · 15/05/2024 14:45

Agree with others, tell her your working hours are changing. Don’t say you are changing them, just that they are changing and don’t offer up any detail. If she asks when you will be off just be vague and say you don’t know yet as they’re still sorting out everyone’s working patterns.

You’ll quickly find out how good a friend she is when you are no longer of use to her.

Riverlee · 15/05/2024 14:45

That’s a good point about the honeymoon. Are they planning to take baby or not…?

IncompleteSenten · 15/05/2024 14:49

Yeah, you're being used. Start asking her for regular favours and see how quick you get dumped.

MarilynSays · 15/05/2024 14:50

I really feel for you with this situation. Some people are just cheeky gits, but don't realise they are! I agree with some other comments, in saying that you are busy now on x day of the week so can't watch baby, and her reaction to you putting this boundary in place should tell you all you need to know. Take care and put yourself first.

Dontbeme · 15/05/2024 15:03

there has already been mention of me minding the baby over the wedding because she says childcare is too expensive

Ask her how she knows childcare is expensive since she doesn't pay you? Let the godparents look after the baby from now on, and do not agree to mind the baby in an emergency, as for her every event will be an "emergency". Enjoy your day off OP.

diddl · 15/05/2024 15:08

Baby's godparents will be there, GPs, other relatives.

Why would Op be needed?

therealcookiemonster · 15/05/2024 15:08

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/05/2024 08:50

Even without all the godparent/ bridesmaid business, I’d think this wasn’t on.

Surely if you wanted to be working that day (and caring for someone’s baby is work) you’d be doing paid work? Like she is. She’s on to a good thing with free childcare and no need even to leave nappies!

I would say this arrangement no longer works for you Op, and reclaim the day off.

i came to say exactly this

asking you to babysit EVERY week is proper CF behaviour. and not even providing supplies for baby. ultra CF

5128gap · 15/05/2024 15:10

I'm sorry OP, as you sound like a lovely friend with much to offer, but you're offering it to a wrong 'un here. There is no way she should be taking so much from you if she doesn't consider you close enough to be part of her wedding. If I were you, I would stop having her baby. Not as tit for tat, but to protect yourself. You're obviously attached to the child, but I don't rate your chances of being part of their life once you're no longer needed, and that will be painful for you. On the plus side, someone like you will be in high demand as a friend and there will be a lot more deserving people out there.

Thisisthecorrectresponse · 15/05/2024 15:11

To your 'friend'on doorstep: "Oh no I'm sorry - I'm busy today - and I'll be busy every week from now on. Perhaps you could ask her new godmother? Or one of the bridesmaids to help?!" <shuts door>

therealcookiemonster · 15/05/2024 15:12

Sunshinemama1 · 15/05/2024 10:45

Hi hoping this message gets to everyone, thank you so much for all your replies and advice I really appreciate it and for confirming what I think I already knew deep down but didn't want to believe.

No she has never had my lg who is nearly 5, but to be fair I've never asked her to, I didn't have any help due to my mum working full time with her own business and my ex working away (our family is tiny) so for 2 years I worked part time round nursery hours. I understand how hard it is and don't mind helping out my friend however as my mum said she has a massive family and many other friends but she only asks me. I've had the baby every week since September when my lg started school.

In terms of the wedding there has already been mention of me minding the baby over the wedding because she says childcare is too expensive so I think many of you may be right that maybe she is expecting me to step up as childminder for the event.

I am going to let her know I'm changing my work hours and if we could start going on play dates instead and see how that goes.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and for your advice 🩷

I don't think you should agree to mind her baby during the wedding

AnnaSochie · 15/05/2024 15:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Ariela · 15/05/2024 15:15

@Sunshinemama1
When people ask why you haven't been asked to be bridesmaid say 'I have no idea, but it doesn't worry me as I'll be able to really enjoy a drink without any responsibilities.'
Ditto for godparent.
I would also suggest they ask your friend if they want to know why you were not asked, because you simply haven't a clue, you thought you were being a very good friend for looking after baby one day a week on your day off AND paying for food and nappies for the baby.

Gummibearos · 15/05/2024 15:16

I agree she probably doesn’t see you as a close friend and more as support. It stings when you realise it but you just need to put an end to it or you’re enabling them using you as a doormat.

I had to let go of a childhood friend over the past few years because I gradually noticed she had her “fun friends” she’d socialise with whereas I was the friend she asked to borrow money off or unloaded her mental struggles off to 24/7 including suicide ideation even though she has a long term partner/father of her kids she should be talking to or getting money from. But she chose not to “bother” him.

When I was in need of somewhere to live and at risk of homelessness that month, she went really quiet. I remember thinking while I wouldn’t have taken her up on an offer to crash on the couch it would’ve been nice for her to have made one .

It was from there I began to realise how one sided the friendship was. I ended up finding accommodation at last minute but the whole thing showed me that no matter how much she relied on me, I couldn’t rely on her.

I’m sure you’ll find similar for your friend, ask her to look after your child one day and say what she says!

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