Is my friend using me for childcare?

[Sunshinemama1]

Hi I'm hoping for some advice as this is an issue my ex brought up a lot to me and very recently my mum has also commented which has shocked me.

My best friend and I are very close and have been friends for over 25 years, for the last year as she knows my schedule asks me to have her baby at least one day per week on my day off which I don't mind at all because I have a great relationship with the baby and it's helping her out.

However recently she booked both her babies christening and her wedding and asked other friends in our group to be the babies godmother and the other friend to be her bridesmaid. Im not a part of the wedding ceremony at all and although it's hurt me I understand the pressure and stress of events like this so obviously put my feelings to one side and have done all I can to support her.

The problem is now that it feels like everybody is bringing it up to me and I don't know what to say, asking if we have fell out or if she asked me and I said no or why am I not a part or the worst is her family or other friends assuming I'm both godmother and bridesmaid.

Since my mum has said to me I'm being used because would I drop my child off all day on my friends only day off work when she's a single parent without food, nappies etc and I couldn't imagine her not being part of my special day. This has made me think am I being used. Any advice would be appreciated.

Start having plans, she’s taking the piss!

Wow she sounds awful I think she might of asked you to not be part of the main ceremony or bridesmaid so she has a sitter while planning for her big days

Is this how your best friend treats you ? Because it’s not how mine treats me, or how l would even think of treating them.

On my local facebook page there has just been a post requesting a babysitter for a wedding. The person won't just be looking after the bride's child but also 4 others!
Made me think of this thread.

Just talk to her. Explain you feel a bit hurt because you don’t feel included in the events, especially as you believed you were close friends. If I were your friend and you were looking after my child once a week, I would definitely have thought about your feelings and approached you with an explanation ( although I can’t really see a reason to not have given you a major role in some capacity). The fact that they haven’t, rings alarm bells to me. You are being used.

I'm late to the party but I am so glad you're ready to put up some boundaries and say enough is enough. Well done! It's not always easy to let friendships go, and for some it can be really difficult. Putting yourself first is good, you shouldn't have to be running around after other people's children unless you want to, and feel you're getting something back from the arrangement. I hope it goes well setting the boundaries you need, and even if it doesn't, I hope you find peace somewhere along the way.

@Sunshinemama1 has your friend asked you for childcare again since you posted this last week?

@Sunshinemama1 please please please don’t make up a false excuse as to why you’re suddenly busy. You deserve to have someone stand up for you and your kind nature, even if that someone is you! Her saying the baby loves you is incredibly manipulative. Of course the baby loves you a) you’re kind and seem really genuine, and b) she’s really familiar with you. Babies love people they are familiar with. Hello attachment development.

you can still be gentle and don’t have to do it in conflict, but I would urge you to express how you’re feeling to her. Say that you’re trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but you feel used and a little hurt and confused and need some time to make space in you heart for how you feel the relationship has changed.

Hi all just wanted to come back and give an update as it's been a couple of weeks since I posted and I really appreciate all the advice I've been given.

Yes I was asked for childcare again that same week and I explained how I've had to take on an extra work day so no longer have a day off through the week due to the cost of living and my weekend day off is for me and my lg to have quality time or a day out (I honestly felt that was easier than having an awkward conversation) as she is really stressed organising her wedding at the moment.

She said okay but didn't look happy about it and I haven't heard off her since, that was about two weeks ago. Then I had a realisation, she only really contacts me when she needs help with something but always socialises with other friends in the group. I feel like she does see me as her staff or just childcare.

Hopefully she will realise and try to improve our friendship but I feel I've done enough and if I don't hear off her again then just proves what everyone has been advising me.

Thank you again I feel a lot better after seeing everyone's replies ❤️❤️❤️

@Sunshinemama1 this woman is unbelievable! Glad you got your time back

What a total user!

Wow. I know that must have taken a lot of guts to say that to her. But you were civil and clear and gave a good reason. You handled it really well and avoided a confrontation at a difficult time. Head held high! I'm sure you can find better friends than that.

You’ve handled it so well, OP. I’m sorry that it’s looking like she’s a user, but your friendship is her loss, because you sound like a lovely friend! You have other people in your life who appreciate you so spend time with them instead.

That's sad to hear and must be hard for you to realise. You're clearly better off staying away and you'll now have more time to meet and spend time with nicer friends.

OP sadly your mum was right and your so-called friend is just a user. So sorry.

Please do not mind her child on the wedding day, for gods sake!

You sound like a lovely person, and unfortunately there are those only too willing to take advantage of who they see as a soft touch. They have no shame.

You won't even get a thanks for all you've done for her.

I can’t believe she asked you again, and so soon! Madness.

You have her a solid response to her cf childcare demands. Enjoy your own time.

Good for you. Hope you enjoy the wedding evening if you haven’t been uninvited.

Well done OP. You've said what needed to be said. You'll see what your friendship is made of now

OP I'm sorry to read your update in that I wish she was genuine but I'm glad you've managed to take back some control and stand up for yourself.

You sound like an amazing friend and an awesome mama.
She's losing a great person and you're losing a shit one.

All the best 💕

I hope you feel relieved and can get your time back!

I doubt she’ll be in contact til after the wedding!!

Did you stick to your guns OP? and what happened to the wedding?

I am sad for you because realising you’ve been used is horrible.Sadly this happens to the loveliest kindest people.
you deserve a better friend that’s for sure.
Good luck going forward.

I'm in a kind of similar Situation. Since my friend divorced,her daughter is every second weekend at her dads and mostly a weekend at my place since she was 3. I have Kids of same age,i work monday to friday job and weekend is my holy time. Once she told me she needs the weekend to go shopping, othertimes to sleep or dates started saying no and she is trying to make me feel giulty. And mostly she's questioning my parenting because her daughter complains that i don't allow her candies at night...which is how i raise my Kids.

Oh And she never offered to babysit mine. She says she will do it once she has a bigger appartement and a stable Partner.