Is my friend using me for childcare?

[Sunshinemama1]

Hi I'm hoping for some advice as this is an issue my ex brought up a lot to me and very recently my mum has also commented which has shocked me.

My best friend and I are very close and have been friends for over 25 years, for the last year as she knows my schedule asks me to have her baby at least one day per week on my day off which I don't mind at all because I have a great relationship with the baby and it's helping her out.

However recently she booked both her babies christening and her wedding and asked other friends in our group to be the babies godmother and the other friend to be her bridesmaid. Im not a part of the wedding ceremony at all and although it's hurt me I understand the pressure and stress of events like this so obviously put my feelings to one side and have done all I can to support her.

The problem is now that it feels like everybody is bringing it up to me and I don't know what to say, asking if we have fell out or if she asked me and I said no or why am I not a part or the worst is her family or other friends assuming I'm both godmother and bridesmaid.

Since my mum has said to me I'm being used because would I drop my child off all day on my friends only day off work when she's a single parent without food, nappies etc and I couldn't imagine her not being part of my special day. This has made me think am I being used. Any advice would be appreciated.

You are being used. Stop allowing this to happen.

That definitely sounds like the right decision. Hopefully this woman will realise what a godsend you’ve been and start appreciating you a bit more when she hasn’t got your free childcare.

Stop taking the baby on your day off (or any other time). And ABSOLUTELY do not mind her baby FOR ONE MINUTE at the wedding. In fact start saying 'seems like I'm your unpaid childminder these days' whenever she asks and say 'no'.
She is totally using you.

Good luck OP. I hope she responds in a reasonable way.

If she doesn't, it's not a reflection on you at all as you've gone above and beyond for her so she should be grateful for everything you've done.

“childcare is too expensive”

Says it all really.

Good luck OP. I think given she wanted you to mind baby during the wedding, the kindest way for her to have done this would have been to ask you to be a bridesmaid and dress the little one as a flower girl. The fact she hasn’t even asked this makes me think that she doesn’t see you as a friend or respect you.
You sound very kind and capable. I wish you well, you deserve so much better in a friend

Sorry op she's not your friend. Thats an incredibly poor way to treat someone.

Get ready for the guilt trip OP.

She won't be happy losing her free childcare (you've saved her thousands).

And rather than be grateful for all you've already done for her, you'll be "letting her down".

I'm guessing she'd never given you anything to show her appreciation.

Stand firm OP.

Oh and she'll quickly move on to some other unsuspecting "friend" for free childcare, don't worry about that.

Your "friend" is a user. And a cunt.

Detach from her and fuck her off.

She has already hinted that you’re going to be CHILDCARE for the wedding?

Fucking hell. This isn’t a friend. Yep I’d stop immediately.

Tbh I wouldn't be in a hurry to pick an outfit. She will probably issue you with a nanny tabbard....

@Sunshinemama1 In terms of the wedding there has already been mention of me minding the baby over the wedding because she says childcare is too expensive so I think many of you may be right that maybe she is expecting me to step up as childminder for the event.

It sounds like you arent even being invited to the wedding!!!!

Similar thread OP. Suggest you read it

Cheeky Fckers http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/5038999-cheeky-fckers

Just stop.
& the final farewell should be. I will not provide free childcare at your wedding.
I now see that you have royally taken the piss for 8 months.
& so basically. So long, Don't call"

@Sunshinemama1

In terms of the wedding there has already been mention of me minding the baby over the wedding because she says childcare is too expensive so I think many of you may be right that maybe she is expecting me to step up as childminder for the event.

How are you going to nip this in the bud? She's obviously not asked you to be part of the bridal/hen/party/bridesmaid so you can look after her child.. 🌹

It's amazing how friendly people can be when they want something from you (I learnt this the hard way).

Until you say no, she will keep assuming it will be yes.

Sorry, she's a user

Be less available

Ignore attempts to guilt trip you

Her childcare is not your issue to resolve

Find better friends

As others have said - and you probably know - you are being used.

Used as cheap and convenient child care.

I think you have been too kind/an available doormat. (delete as appropriate)

So your next steps?

If you want to carry on and enjoy doing this then simply carry on. But knowing that you are being used will bring an element of resentment and may well poison relationships.

If you want out then it may end up being a total out, end of relationship, harsh words exchanged.

There may be a middle ground - not be available each and every week, appointments, visits, simply unavailable etc. Tell her when she asks/assumes giving her as much notice as she gives you!

If you do carry on in one way or another then I do think that she should provide things for the day - food, nappies etc. You need to tell her this.

And you definitely should not be doing the wedding. Her wedding, her plans, her problems. Perhaps have a day out with your own child - long day out. Mother/daughter bonding day.

It is a bit arsy not to invite you unless its a vv small event.

All the best.

In terms of the wedding there has already been mention of me minding the baby over the wedding because she says childcare is too expensive so I think many of you may be right that maybe she is expecting me to step up as childminder for the event.
i hope you’re thinking no fucking way!!
this must hurt op, but it’s not shameful to be hurt. Don’t be ashamed to tell her you’re hurt if it comes out she thinks instead of a wedding invite you’ll be the childminder. Don’t be ashamed to tell her you’re hurt because you thought you were friends and she’s just a selfish user. She deserves to hear it.
You’re clearly lovely and generous and I wish you better friends who appreciate you.

Sorry no, I can’t do free childcare for you anymore.
However, I am sure the people you chose as Godparents will be more than happy to step on. Or any of your close friends coming to your wedding.

sorry, 9months of free childcare you had from me and not even an invite to your wedding. Thanks for letting me know what you think of me!

In terms of the wedding there has already been mention of me minding the baby over the wedding because she says childcare is too expensive so I think many of you may be right that maybe she is expecting me to step up as childminder for the event.

Wow, she's a right cow isn't she? So you are invited, but won't be able to relax and enjoy yourself? And I'll put MONEY on her offering your services to other people with young children.

You need to nip ths in the bud right now. "Please don't plan for me to look after the baby. I'm really looking forward to celebrating and partying wit you and I cant' do that if I'm focusing on the baby"

But I'm not optimistic you're going to win on this. I'm very sorry to say but I think you're going to find this is a fairweather, CF friend and you are going to have to "break up". Which can be as hard as breaking up with a partner.

Well played OP, you will see what her intentions are after you drop the rope on the childcare once a week.

And let me get this absolutely straight, she is expecting you to do childcare for her wedding which is why you aren't a bridesmaid?

JFC absolutely a CF your mum is a wise woman

I wonder if you started being 'busy' when she needs childcare, whether your friend would bother with you at all?

It's absolutely outrageous that she expects you to spend your day off looking after her baby at your expense.

Surely you decided to have a day off to do things like catch up on chores, and have time to yourself not to babysit

And it doesn't matter that you haven't asked her to look after your DD, a normal person would have offered to reciprocate, would cover your costs, demonstrate their appreciation.