Is my friend using me for childcare?

[Sunshinemama1]

Hi I'm hoping for some advice as this is an issue my ex brought up a lot to me and very recently my mum has also commented which has shocked me.

My best friend and I are very close and have been friends for over 25 years, for the last year as she knows my schedule asks me to have her baby at least one day per week on my day off which I don't mind at all because I have a great relationship with the baby and it's helping her out.

However recently she booked both her babies christening and her wedding and asked other friends in our group to be the babies godmother and the other friend to be her bridesmaid. Im not a part of the wedding ceremony at all and although it's hurt me I understand the pressure and stress of events like this so obviously put my feelings to one side and have done all I can to support her.

The problem is now that it feels like everybody is bringing it up to me and I don't know what to say, asking if we have fell out or if she asked me and I said no or why am I not a part or the worst is her family or other friends assuming I'm both godmother and bridesmaid.

Since my mum has said to me I'm being used because would I drop my child off all day on my friends only day off work when she's a single parent without food, nappies etc and I couldn't imagine her not being part of my special day. This has made me think am I being used. Any advice would be appreciated.

Not RTFT but please tell me that you aren't doing all this for free? Your 'friend' is unbelievably taking advantage if you are.

I like this response!

Seems clear to me that it’s for free unless I’ve misunderstood.

I assume OP would mention if she was being paid and how much, to look after a friends kid @TokyoSushi

Following to see the outcome.

I have a relationship like this and I let it keep going because the child is great company for my child. You can choose to keep it going if you want to but you just need to be aware that that is what is going on. Your friends is kind of using you as free parking for her kid.

V much enjoyed this comment! Hahaha.

Good grief really?!
It's like a scene between Amanda and Ann from Motherland!!!
Your own little girl started school in September and instead of being able to enjoy your 1 day off, you are childminding her baby every time!!!
The audacity of some people astounds me, she clearly has zero respect for you OP and is using your years of friendship to play on your heartstrings.
It's not OK.

You sound lovely OP, what a generous s great friend you are.

Im sorry she’s taken the Micky with you here.

The way her "friend" sounds, I can imagine she will act exactly like that.

@Sunshinemama1 You value the friendship more than she does. She values being able to use you more than she values the friendship. If you suggest "play dates", she will find a way to have you watching her child on this "play date" without her having to attend or participate.

First thing that springs to mind is that she expects that hint to be all that's needed. And she will firm up the request when its too late to back out and say Oh but you promised. She's too cheeky to ask you outright in case you say no or question her about it. She's Just assuming that if she indicates that she fully expects it that you will have to do it

A similar thing happened to me.. At first there were loads of chats and coffees when she needed a friend in an "emergency" ... the "Emergencies" got more and more regular and became impositions that were expected at any time without warning.. ( because she knew emergencies were harder to turn down)
She did actually start treating me like an employee When I said I wasn't able to do it anymore (and I had a very good practical reason) she was furious. 18 months of free help counted for absolutely nothing. She blanked me.

Your Mum is wise

and if several different people are actively asking you questions about your lack of involvement in the wedding/christening, then it must be looking a bit rum to others apart from your Mum. I can see how hurtful that is.

Also you don't work that day. You are sacrificing that salary/pension etc to spend more time with your little one. Not to be someone else's unpaid childminder.

How often would she do you a similar favour. She's also in a two parent unit yet cannot even provide nappies. Complete CF.

So sorry that your kind nature is being abused by this woman.

Tell her now that you can’t do any more child care. I suspect you won’t hear from her again. 🌷

Your mums right and I bet on the day of her wedding and the christenings she will take advantage of you. She will probably want you in the background on hand to mind the children. I would stop childcare you may think she is your best friend but obviously she does not regard you as hers.

@Sunshinemama1

As my dear Dad used to say: "With friends like that, you don't need enemas."

Don't let yourself be used. You sound like a person who would be fun to be friends with and you need to find friends that value you as you value them and not someone who values you only for what you do for them.

I'm sorry someone has treated you like this. You deserve much better.

You know that she asked you to look after her baby because you have availability, right?

You know that. You have always known that. It’s not because she’s closer to you than her other friends. It’s because you are available and willing to do it. But you know that.

Taking care of her child doesn’t grant you automatic access to her wedding party or to be godmother.

If she didn’t bother with you much before you gave free childcare, and if she doesn’t really acknowledge you outside of the childcare, I would say she is using you. Not putting you in the wedding party or not making you godmother does not mean she is using you. It means there are other people she feels closer to.

I'm sorry OP - I would be so so upset if that happened to me. If someone took the time to care for my child - they would most likely be one of my closest people so its not surprising that you would think/expect you would be maid of honor or godmother.

I would start politely declining the 'free babysitting' and wait for her to pick it up with you and align yourself with where she actually sees you. Its a shame but definitely her loss.

@Sunshinemama1 Does she ask you each week if you can look after her child? If so - just say - no i'm busy. If she just turns up and plonks her child with you without any warning, simply dont be there or dont answer the door.

She sounds soooooo cheeky!!

I agree with your mum. How you get into this situation offering free childcare on your only day off

Even taking the wedding out of the equation she has been using you particularly as you have said you provide everything.

@Sunshinemama1 You are basically a free Nanny.

That absolutely is not on.

Your so called friend is being incredibly cheeky and awful. You are saving her a fortune in fees.

What a shame I am sorry you have had this realisation, it’s really hurtful but I guess now you know. If it was me I wouldn’t do anything whatsoever for her child care wise again and I hope she doesn’t ask you to mind the baby at her wedding because that will bring things to a head

You aren't her friend I'm afraid, just an unpaid childminder. Start saying no.

The clincher in case anyone was waffling...

In terms of the wedding there has already been mention of me minding the baby over the wedding because she says childcare is too expensive so I think many of you may be right that maybe she is expecting me to step up as childminder for the event.

Yep, OP, she sees you as her unpaid help, not a bestie.

Wow that’s really sad for you. My BFs (couple) had my toddler a day a week to help me out when I went back to work. I always supplied nappies and was honoured to make them godparents to both my DC. I was already married quite a few years by then but would absolutely have made her by bridesmaid had we been getting married. Sorry OP, hinting you could do childminding on the day of the wedding is just plain rude! Your mum and everyone else is right.

You’re being used! Time for you to be ‘busy’ . Even if she included you in her big days it’s still too much and regular childcare. So childminder is expensive but wedding and christening aren’t? She’s not a friend OP.

This is a perfect example of the FED principle.

F - favour becomes an E - expectation which becomes a D - demand.

The OPs ‘best friend’ started this and stated the OP was doing her a favour, then the ‘best friend’ started expecting it and now she demands it.

i hope I am wrong but usually when the FED principal ends the person who is making the demand disappears quickly as they have the cheek to be cross their demand is not being met.

Dear OP, I feel for you in this situation but you must stop having her child weekly and absolutely NOT look after the child during the wedding. Listen to your mum, she has your best interests at heart.