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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my friend using me for childcare?

327 replies

Sunshinemama1 · 15/05/2024 08:23

Hi I'm hoping for some advice as this is an issue my ex brought up a lot to me and very recently my mum has also commented which has shocked me.

My best friend and I are very close and have been friends for over 25 years, for the last year as she knows my schedule asks me to have her baby at least one day per week on my day off which I don't mind at all because I have a great relationship with the baby and it's helping her out.

However recently she booked both her babies christening and her wedding and asked other friends in our group to be the babies godmother and the other friend to be her bridesmaid. Im not a part of the wedding ceremony at all and although it's hurt me I understand the pressure and stress of events like this so obviously put my feelings to one side and have done all I can to support her.

The problem is now that it feels like everybody is bringing it up to me and I don't know what to say, asking if we have fell out or if she asked me and I said no or why am I not a part or the worst is her family or other friends assuming I'm both godmother and bridesmaid.

Since my mum has said to me I'm being used because would I drop my child off all day on my friends only day off work when she's a single parent without food, nappies etc and I couldn't imagine her not being part of my special day. This has made me think am I being used. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 15/05/2024 20:56

I bet you're planned as childcare for the wedding.

ButterCrackers · 15/05/2024 20:59

Sunshinemama1 · 15/05/2024 20:44

Hi just wanted to come back on and say thank you again for everyone's replies and some lovely comments it means a lot!
The comments are pretty much what people have been saying to me in person.

My friend who is her bridesmaid confided in me recently and said she feels awkward because she keeps getting the same sort of comments from people as I do and neither of us know how to respond.

I am still going to go the wedding party in the night which I'm invited to but I'm going to make it clear I want to enjoy myself and have a drink so can't be round any children.
I didn't get to enjoy the christening, I was sober and barely seen anyone because I was running round after the kids all day.

I feel stupid but it's hard for me to believe a lifelong friend who I love could be taking advantage of me but this post has made me realise a few other occasions that confirm she definitely is. I get a text every week along the lines of please I need you to have the baby you'd really be helping me out and she loves being with you etc however I do really need that day off through the week so I'm going to make myself less available from now on. If the friendship fades when I stop helping her out with things, then it wasn't a friendship worth having so I'll be okay.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply and for your advice 🩷

I know the type who says my child loves to be with you so you’ll look after the child- it’s emotional blackmail. You are a kind person but from now you keep your boundary. Your first word is no I can’t look after your child anymore. That means you need to sort out your own childcare. No I can’t babysit, no I can’t do anything for you. I’d say to not go to the wedding. Feet up, tv, relaxing, you and your daughter. Find another friend group. Start a study course, join a sports group. You are worth more than this cf.

Scarletttulips · 15/05/2024 20:59

I also think she’ll expect childcare during the wedding. You need to be less available. With a kid in school you need a day off!! Imagine a day without kids, no responsibility - time to yourself or catching up on jobs to save the weekend! Seriously stop!

BananaLambo · 15/05/2024 21:02

OP, are you only invited to the evening do? Not the wedding or day reception (assuming there is one)? She is definitely lining you up for childcare during the day. You need to nip that in the bud right now - even if you don’t want to be honest you need to tell her you’re working or taking someone to a hospital appointment. Or just say no. In a conversation about wedding childcare either you or your friend will be annoyed or upset. Make sure it’s not you.

Branleuse · 15/05/2024 21:05

Nanaof1 · 15/05/2024 15:56

@Sunshinemama1

As my dear Dad used to say: "With friends like that, you don't need enemas."

Don't let yourself be used. You sound like a person who would be fun to be friends with and you need to find friends that value you as you value them and not someone who values you only for what you do for them.

I'm sorry someone has treated you like this. You deserve much better.

😀😆

spriots · 15/05/2024 21:10

You sound like such a lovely person who has tried to see the best in this "friend"

I get the sense that - understandably - you still want to think the best of her.

I would suggest you try texting her and asking her to have your DD as you really need her help and have no one else. I think her response will help convince you that this is no friend.

You deserve so much better and you will get more out of other friendships

spriots · 15/05/2024 21:16

Sorry rereading your update - are you not invited to the ceremony/meal but just the evening do?

So you're good enough to be entrusted with her baby but not to get an invitation to her wedding? How could you possibly even consider being her friend at all?

CoraPirbright · 15/05/2024 21:19

Spriots beat me to it! Are you seriously only invited to the evening bit?? FML this gets worse and worse. Dont go OP!! You know that, however much you protest, you WILL get lumbered with the kids! She is a horrible user and you need to put some boundaries in place!

HaveSomeIntrospect · 15/05/2024 21:21

Please come back and let us know how she takes the news

Abi86 · 15/05/2024 21:22

It’s a one way friendship though OP. Just because you consider her a bestie doesn’t mean it’s reciprocated.

Ger1atricMillennial · 15/05/2024 21:23

Well done OP - I bet if you don't have the kids, you will be uninvited to the evening do, so be prepared for that in case.

Otherwise, block her for a couple of weeks on your phone. Get some peace.

Riverlee · 15/05/2024 21:34

“I am still going to go the wedding party in the night which I'm invited to but I'm going to make it clear I want to enjoy myself and have a drink so can't be round any children.”

Thats good to hear. Although I’ll imagine she’ll make you feel guilty for wanting a drink. Stay firm, and if she keeps going on about childcare (and how good you are with baby etc), then just remind are that you’re a guest, and not a nanny.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 15/05/2024 21:38

You sound lovely OP . It must be hard to read all this and have it confirmed she's just using you.
I hope that you invest your time in your other friends and family and just let this user drift away. Flowers

comingintomyown · 15/05/2024 21:47

Teentaxidriver · 15/05/2024 16:56

Oh dear. You are one of those , aren't you? Got to go round putting people in their place.

Show quote history

😂

livefully · 15/05/2024 21:57

All you need to say is, "I'm sorry, I only get one day off to get things done I can't do otherwise, so I'm not available to look after baby that day." If the friendship lasts it's a friendship. If not, then she's using you. Then stick to it.

ShadesofPoachedSmoke · 15/05/2024 22:06

You think she's your best friend, she thinks you are her servant.

Total user.

Time to bite back OP. See how she likes that.

ShadesofPoachedSmoke · 15/05/2024 22:11

Polishedshoesalways · 15/05/2024 14:42

Call her out.

‘Others have noticed I am neither a godmother or bridesmaid at your wedding, despite the fact we have been best friends for over 25 years and I care for baby x every week, I have no idea what to say. What is your take on this?’

Love this approach.

Bet you get some mealy mouthed excuse back.

Tartantotty · 15/05/2024 22:11

I think your mum is right. It's a shame your friend asks you to look after the baby on your day off. Does she bring you flowers or wine, or take you out for a meal, to thank you? I not, she's definitely a user and not a real friend.

Tell her you can no longer look after her baby regularly. If you need an excuse maybe make one up - doing a course, volunteering on that day, too tired - whatever.

But, basically, if you don't figure in her christening or wedding plans, it seems the friendship is not so important to her. Time for a major rethink.

ShadesofPoachedSmoke · 15/05/2024 22:13

Thisisthecorrectresponse · 15/05/2024 15:11

To your 'friend'on doorstep: "Oh no I'm sorry - I'm busy today - and I'll be busy every week from now on. Perhaps you could ask her new godmother? Or one of the bridesmaids to help?!" <shuts door>

Oh it would be brilliant to see her face at this!

ShadesofPoachedSmoke · 15/05/2024 22:18

Getupat8amnow · 15/05/2024 16:22

This is a perfect example of the FED principle.

F - favour becomes an E - expectation which becomes a D - demand.

The OPs ‘best friend’ started this and stated the OP was doing her a favour, then the ‘best friend’ started expecting it and now she demands it.

i hope I am wrong but usually when the FED principal ends the person who is making the demand disappears quickly as they have the cheek to be cross their demand is not being met.

Dear OP, I feel for you in this situation but you must stop having her child weekly and absolutely NOT look after the child during the wedding. Listen to your mum, she has your best interests at heart.

Edited

Such a good explanation.

I've definitely seen that in action.

6pence · 15/05/2024 22:38

Good luck. Hopefully your friendship will move on to a more equal footing after you start setting boundaries.

PeloMom · 15/05/2024 22:41

So she gets a day off but you don’t.
be prepared to lose her as a ‘friend’ once she no longer has use of you. Not that it’s a loss to you..

Mumtobabyhavoc · 15/05/2024 22:47

I can't get over that you've been invited to the wedding party in the evening, but not the actual wedding. And you are in a circle of friends together; and you look after her child weekly. Everyone around you finds it odd and uncomfortable.
I think you need to say, Why don't you want me at your wedding? Make your decision after her response about attending and your friendship.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 15/05/2024 22:50

Please text her this back if she asks you to mind her child this week.

“Hi X, I won’t be able to provide childcare any more on my only day off. I have too much to get done. It was ok as an odd favour but seems to have become a regular request. Of course I love spending time with your daughter and would love to still spend time with you both. Perhaps godmother or bridesmaid would be up for it as your godmother / bridesmaid.

ThinWomansBrain · 15/05/2024 22:51

dodging being the bridesmaid sounds something to be thankful for, given some of the posts on here.
Not being asked to be the child's godmother sounds odd given that you're so involved with her care.
Drop doing it, and suggest the child's godparents might like to oblige.