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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my friend using me for childcare?

327 replies

Sunshinemama1 · 15/05/2024 08:23

Hi I'm hoping for some advice as this is an issue my ex brought up a lot to me and very recently my mum has also commented which has shocked me.

My best friend and I are very close and have been friends for over 25 years, for the last year as she knows my schedule asks me to have her baby at least one day per week on my day off which I don't mind at all because I have a great relationship with the baby and it's helping her out.

However recently she booked both her babies christening and her wedding and asked other friends in our group to be the babies godmother and the other friend to be her bridesmaid. Im not a part of the wedding ceremony at all and although it's hurt me I understand the pressure and stress of events like this so obviously put my feelings to one side and have done all I can to support her.

The problem is now that it feels like everybody is bringing it up to me and I don't know what to say, asking if we have fell out or if she asked me and I said no or why am I not a part or the worst is her family or other friends assuming I'm both godmother and bridesmaid.

Since my mum has said to me I'm being used because would I drop my child off all day on my friends only day off work when she's a single parent without food, nappies etc and I couldn't imagine her not being part of my special day. This has made me think am I being used. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Hotttchoc · 16/05/2024 21:05

Maybe have the baby sometimes if you want to but also ask her to help you out when you need it and see if she's as happy to help

Riverlee · 16/05/2024 21:09

Confusionn · 16/05/2024 20:18

My goodness I have been in this exact same situation, are you me 7 years ago? Unfortunately I did call her out on it, and our friendship never recovered.

I presume you meant to type, ‘I called her out on it, and unfortunately our friendship never recovered’.

It wasn’t unfortunate you called her out on it - that was the right thing to do.

shehasglasses48 · 16/05/2024 21:43

You sound like a lovely person being taken advantage of. So hard I know but perhaps stop being so available x

Catpuss66 · 17/05/2024 00:12

I have been there, I would be up at 5 am 1 1/2 commute, do an early shift in a busy regional hospital, commute back pick my friends children up from nursery, bath them feed them in Pj’s take them home she worked one day a week. She always put others before me. I made a promise to myself if she treated me badly again that was it. She had been treating me badly for decades, well this time I took control & never spoke to her again. The relief was immense, we had known each other since we were 16 now 38. Not sure what was going on. Found out she was walking past my house 37 weeks pregnant no antenatal care partner didn’t even know she was pregnant, why would you do that? Anyway I think there is a level of sociopathy with her to knowingly hurt someone you are close to. Have to say at the time didn’t think too much about her. Best let her get on with it all, forge your own life. She will use the love you have for that baby & use it to get her own way.

Munawar · 17/05/2024 06:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BlueFlowers5 · 17/05/2024 08:11

End of you being childcare for her baby, I'd say. No going back.
Book something up or go out for a morning coffee somewhere far away needing a nice longish bus journey both weeks ahead.

Mlb123 · 17/05/2024 08:28

Sunshinemama1 · 15/05/2024 08:23

Hi I'm hoping for some advice as this is an issue my ex brought up a lot to me and very recently my mum has also commented which has shocked me.

My best friend and I are very close and have been friends for over 25 years, for the last year as she knows my schedule asks me to have her baby at least one day per week on my day off which I don't mind at all because I have a great relationship with the baby and it's helping her out.

However recently she booked both her babies christening and her wedding and asked other friends in our group to be the babies godmother and the other friend to be her bridesmaid. Im not a part of the wedding ceremony at all and although it's hurt me I understand the pressure and stress of events like this so obviously put my feelings to one side and have done all I can to support her.

The problem is now that it feels like everybody is bringing it up to me and I don't know what to say, asking if we have fell out or if she asked me and I said no or why am I not a part or the worst is her family or other friends assuming I'm both godmother and bridesmaid.

Since my mum has said to me I'm being used because would I drop my child off all day on my friends only day off work when she's a single parent without food, nappies etc and I couldn't imagine her not being part of my special day. This has made me think am I being used. Any advice would be appreciated.

Im so sorry, but yes it does seem you are being used and that she doesn't seem you as her best friend as she hasn't included you in the wedding ceremony. She's taking advantage as well with letting you look after the baby and not providing the basics such as nappies and baby food xxx

NannaKaren · 17/05/2024 08:58

She is not a true friend sorry she’s using you - don’t let her, get shot of her !

AtlanticMum · 17/05/2024 09:42

Totally agree. This is incredibly hurtful and a really shitty way to treat anyone. Stop being her doormat. You are clearly a kind and responsible person to take care of a baby like this - but to be treated so badly - without even an invitation to the Christening & Wedding is vile behaviour. Step back before she asks you to look after the baby on both occasions - whilst she parties with her ‘friends’.

Goodiewhemper · 17/05/2024 10:05

Hi there. I agree with all the other posters that it does indeed seem that your friend is taking full advantage of your good nature and generousity. I noted that you mentioned in your first post that some of her family and your mutual friends have also noticed that you have not been asked to be bridesmaid or godmother. You haven't even received a full wedding invite which is shocking! If her family members have noticed I am certain that at least one of them would have said it to her. She knows what she is doing and she knows others have noticed and she still has not addressed it with you. She is not treating you with dignity and respect and you deserve so much better than that. I am so sorry and I know how hurt I would feel in your shoes. You have done your best for your friend and she is taking you for granted and treating you shabbily. It is now time to put yourself and your daughter first. Take care.

Riverlee · 17/05/2024 12:32

I bet this started as a favour, and op was happy to do it, but now has become an expectation by the cf mother. Probably when it started, the friend meant it to be a favour for the odd week or two, but it has morphed into a weekly occurrence.

Op - you’ve been very kind and generous to date, but start calling the shots. You don’t owe her anything, and this wedding shows that the situation has changed. The days are getting warmer, enjoy the summer with your family.

CountessWindyBottom · 17/05/2024 14:33

@Sunshinemama1 , you sound like a caring person and a good friend but unfortunately your loved ones are correct and your friend is a using, CF.

Setting boundaries and saying no does not make you a mean person. This woman is taking complete advantage of you and I wouldn't even offer 'playdates' as she will simply use these as an opportunity to scamper off on the premise of having to do errands while you're left holding the baby again.

Practice some self love and use your days off to do something nice for you. I wouldn't offer or agree to ever look after her baby again and if this changes the dynamic of your friendship then unfortunately you will know exactly what type of friend she is. And be firm, don't just come up with a different excuse every week. If you are more comfortable, send her a text and say that you've given it some consideration but you'll no longer be in a position to look after her baby. It doesn't suit and you have other commitments and that you hope she finds a nice childminder to help out. Job done.

LaDamaDeElche · 17/05/2024 14:48

Even if you take her child and the christening out of the equation, the fact you refer to her as your best friend and she hasn't asked you, but has asked others in your group, to be a bridesmaid, suggests she doesn't consider you her best friend. Definitely take a step back with the childcare. I couldn't imagine treating my lifelong friends the way she has with you, especially if we were best friends.

Lurkermumofadults · 17/05/2024 15:08

And who do you think will be looking after the baby on her wedding day?? She's a CF!

Nettie1964 · 17/05/2024 19:07

User sounds exactly like my daughter. No more free babysitting.

GreyTurtle · 17/05/2024 19:27

I feel for you. You're doing a great thing helping her out I know childcare is so hard. But if she's not thinking about you back I can understand why your mom is saying something about it. It's not tit for tat but she needs to be showing you something, Godparent and Bridesmaid aside.

Also a day off is incredibly important for you to catch up on things or just to do nothing. One day a week is less than most of us get and you don't even have that. It's lovely to be selfless but you also have to give yourself that same love ❤️

Serenitymummy · 17/05/2024 19:27

She sounds like such an awful person and you sound lovely. I feel similar in that I'm a giver, and it's hard to stand up for yourself, but you'll be so pleased you did. All this reassurance I hope helps you to know you're not the one in the wrong here, at all. Good luck, and please update us when you feel you can.

DottyLottieLou · 17/05/2024 19:28

Please make yourself completely unavailable for childcare. Time to think about yourself, especially where she is concerned.

Wesel85 · 17/05/2024 19:29

Unfortunately I agree with other posters it seems ur kind nature to help a friend is being taken for granted.
I was in a similar situation and I ended the relationship as it simply was a piss take, she messaged me after for a bit but it was like she has no idea what she had done wrong which is even more hurtful in my opinion.

Ur best bet is to become less available and take a step back and work on loving ur self more knowing that you deserve more even from a friendship, which clearly isn't reciprocated is a bitter pill to swallow.

EthicalBlend · 17/05/2024 20:27

Personally, I'd cut her off dead. Immediately.

LittleGlowingOblong · 17/05/2024 22:29

If it helps you reassert your boundaries, OP, work out how many hours of childcare you have given your friend, and multiply that total by £14.

You sound like a lovely kind person so here’s to you. What a CF friend you have, though.

Stephenra · 18/05/2024 00:39

It's really hard to break off friendships. This one is unequal. Each party perceives it in entirely different ways. To you, she's a close friend. To her, you're a convenient and free nanny she can tap up any time she wants. You are not valued. You're being commodified. The sooner you swallow this bitter truth and move on and reclaim your life, you will be be much, much better.

StarvingMarvin222 · 18/05/2024 07:41

I think you need to text her now that you're not minding her child on your day off.
Then just go out early the day you usually have her and ignore your phone.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 18/05/2024 09:03

@Sunshinemama1 having read your reply, it seems that you are only invited to the evening of the weddings? Which can only mean you’ll be babysitting. She is not your friend. You really need to stop having her child on your day off.

Eskimalita · 18/05/2024 17:25

She’s a single parent and getting married? This doesn’t make sense