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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my friend using me for childcare?

327 replies

Sunshinemama1 · 15/05/2024 08:23

Hi I'm hoping for some advice as this is an issue my ex brought up a lot to me and very recently my mum has also commented which has shocked me.

My best friend and I are very close and have been friends for over 25 years, for the last year as she knows my schedule asks me to have her baby at least one day per week on my day off which I don't mind at all because I have a great relationship with the baby and it's helping her out.

However recently she booked both her babies christening and her wedding and asked other friends in our group to be the babies godmother and the other friend to be her bridesmaid. Im not a part of the wedding ceremony at all and although it's hurt me I understand the pressure and stress of events like this so obviously put my feelings to one side and have done all I can to support her.

The problem is now that it feels like everybody is bringing it up to me and I don't know what to say, asking if we have fell out or if she asked me and I said no or why am I not a part or the worst is her family or other friends assuming I'm both godmother and bridesmaid.

Since my mum has said to me I'm being used because would I drop my child off all day on my friends only day off work when she's a single parent without food, nappies etc and I couldn't imagine her not being part of my special day. This has made me think am I being used. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
HaystackHair · 15/05/2024 22:57

AhNowTed · 15/05/2024 11:00

Get ready for the guilt trip OP.

She won't be happy losing her free childcare (you've saved her thousands).

And rather than be grateful for all you've already done for her, you'll be "letting her down".

I'm guessing she'd never given you anything to show her appreciation.

Stand firm OP.

Absolutely- no good deed goes unpunished etc.

I wouldn't even go on play dates tbh - she'll expect you to pay or something. Say you're too tired ir something.

HisNibs · 15/05/2024 23:18

I know you said in your OP that she was your best friend. Sounds like a very one-sided friendship to me... to her I think you're more of a facilitator than a friend even.

Piglet89 · 15/05/2024 23:33

@Sunshinemama1 i just did the filter function to quickly scan all your posts and you just sound so lovely. and you’ve maybe been too lovely to this “friend”.

As you’ve already identified - might be time to be much less available….

Stand firm! X

mrlistersgelfbride · 15/05/2024 23:42

I'm absolutely fuming for you.
She is a cheeky cunt and a mean woman.
How can you do that to a friend particularly one as loving and nice as you sound?
Kindly, from one fellow doormat to another 😘 ...bin her off.
I don't even think that this is a friendship worth having or that she deserves an explanation.
I'd send a text saying you realise she has been using you and you won't be able to babysit her kid anymore.
Be out every day she calls until she gets the message.
And enjoy the time with your daughter x

whynotwhatknot · 15/05/2024 23:55

wait a minute youre not even invited to thhe whole day?

she souns like a complete user sorry

Thelnebriati · 15/05/2024 23:59

@Sunshinemama1 For what its worth, I think you are coping with a horrible situation very graciously.

Katbum · 16/05/2024 00:01

It never ceases to amaze me how some brides do not care that they will ruin life long friendships by being weird about who their bridesmaids are. OP I’d let her know you are too busy to care for her child.

Ayeupduck82 · 16/05/2024 01:09

You're a pushover and she knows it. You're still letting her walk all over you.

Don't be sad...you haven't lost a friend. It is her that will lose a decent, kind and caring friend. She's given you nothing but jobs and taken you for granted

MissSookieStackhouse · 16/05/2024 01:22

She sounds like a complete user. I bet when you take a step back and be ‘too busy’ to look after her baby, she’ll let the friendship go. She’s not a real friend, but a complete cheeky fucker. Don’t let her take advantage of you again.

thebestinterest · 16/05/2024 01:58

It sounds like you are being used OP.

I’m baffled that your friend thinks she can plan these events without including someone she has come to depend on so much. Truly shocking.

BruFord · 16/05/2024 02:02

I’m gobsmacked that she drops her baby off with no nappies and food-she expects you to buy the nappies?! With a 5-year-old, it’s not as if you have any in your house.

Yes, please stop providing childcare right now, she’s a complete user, it’s horrible behavior. 😡

Frogpole · 16/05/2024 02:42

@Sunshinemama1 What a horrible bloody predicament to be in OP. A horrible predicament for someone to put you in, any person at all, let alone your best friend. I wish there was something I could say, some piece of sage advice I could dish out to help you with this or fix it somehow, but I've got nothing :((

I'm sure people here have said dozens of times over that she's not being fair on you, or asked "if she really is your best friend, why are you having to ask us for advice rather than feeling you can open up to her?" and all the rest of it.

It's so so easy with crap like this to slip to overthinking it, and you'll drive yourself crazy if you let those thoughts control you rather than you controlling you thoughts. Much easier for me to say than you to do I know, but hang on in there, keep talking to as many people as you can though, please?

You won't be ok from this tomorrow, next week, even next month isn't looking too promising tbh. But you will be ok. That's the only thing I can promise you, but it really is a promise.

You will be ok.

azlazee1 · 16/05/2024 03:20

You are super kind to give up your day off. BUT, I think it's time to start using your day for yourself. I would let her know that you are no longer available and if she asks why, just say I have things I need to get done on my day off and need the time for myself.

echt · 16/05/2024 03:32

Look at it this way. If your friend is working while you look after her child, you are supporting her contributions to her work pension, her wages, as well as saving her childcare fees.

swayingpalmtree · 16/05/2024 04:52

I'm afraid I agree with everyone else- she is totally using you. I would never in a million years expect my friend to give up her only day off every week to look after my baby. My jaw is literally on the floor at your posts and the absolute cheek of her.

Please check out the book "not nice" by Aziz Gazipura- its about people pleasing and how to stop it and how to assert healthy boundaries, its really helpful if you struggle saying no or feel an inner pressure to people please.

andfinallyhereweare · 16/05/2024 06:31

@Sunshinemama1 not that this should matter is your friend very into looks- do you not fit the look for photos? Sounds crazy but some people think like this…

FeetupTvon · 16/05/2024 06:37

You need to put a stop to this now.

pictoosh · 16/05/2024 07:06

I can't get past you spending your day off looking after her baby every week.
I would laugh out loud at the very suggestion if one of my friends asked this. Then I'd say no.
Time for a new you OP. Start by letting this one drift.

spriots · 16/05/2024 07:33

I expect at this point one of the things going on is that you are emotionally attracted to the baby. It's hard not to be if you look after them once a week.

But it might help to think about it as to the detriment of your child that you are doing this.

If you didn't spend your time on your friend's baby, this is the sort of thing you would do with your day off (it's what I do with my day off when my kids are in school):

Exercise and improve my health
Life admin and chores so they are out of the way so I am more available to play with my children
Set up a nice activity to do with them after school

These all benefit your DD, looking after your friend's child does not. So however much you may be attached to the baby, you should put your DD first.

Spinningroundahelix · 16/05/2024 09:51

Your mother is absolutely right and as for not including nappies or formula, it is the highest level of cheek. I didn't chose close friends as bridesmaids as I had only one bridesmaid and it was my husband's much younger sister but on the other hand I didn't have a close friend looking after my baby. As for the godparent thing, if the friend was religiously observant she would not be having children outside marriage so the idea that the OP couldn't be a godparent doesn't wash. (Having said that, most churches will require the godparent to be baptised as a Christian even if not in that faith.)

whatsitcalledwhen · 16/05/2024 10:01

"A few people have mentioned to me that it's really strange I very regularly look after (daughter) but haven't been included in the wedding or made a godparent. I wasn't sure what to say to them to be honest. Do you have any ideas?"

Something like that maybe?

HaystackHair · 16/05/2024 10:13

whatsitcalledwhen · 16/05/2024 10:01

"A few people have mentioned to me that it's really strange I very regularly look after (daughter) but haven't been included in the wedding or made a godparent. I wasn't sure what to say to them to be honest. Do you have any ideas?"

Something like that maybe?

I don't think there's any point in saying anything - she will have an excuse and you will look like the bad guy.

Find an excuse for next week (optician, dentist, B&Q, decorating). Same for the next week- then say you realise you really need your days off to catch up. You'll still be the baddie, but you need to free yourself up to find people who value you.

HaystackHair · 16/05/2024 10:14

spriots · 16/05/2024 07:33

I expect at this point one of the things going on is that you are emotionally attracted to the baby. It's hard not to be if you look after them once a week.

But it might help to think about it as to the detriment of your child that you are doing this.

If you didn't spend your time on your friend's baby, this is the sort of thing you would do with your day off (it's what I do with my day off when my kids are in school):

Exercise and improve my health
Life admin and chores so they are out of the way so I am more available to play with my children
Set up a nice activity to do with them after school

These all benefit your DD, looking after your friend's child does not. So however much you may be attached to the baby, you should put your DD first.

This

HaystackHair · 16/05/2024 10:18

As @pictoosh says Time for a new you OP. Start by letting this one drift.

We'll keep you accountable - come here and hatch a plan as to why you're busy each week!

whatsitcalledwhen · 16/05/2024 10:23

You're probably right @HaystackHair and OP sounds so lovely she would be vulnerable to her friend making her feel bad / guilt tripping her. I stand corrected!