Is my friend using me for childcare?

[Sunshinemama1]

Hi I'm hoping for some advice as this is an issue my ex brought up a lot to me and very recently my mum has also commented which has shocked me.

My best friend and I are very close and have been friends for over 25 years, for the last year as she knows my schedule asks me to have her baby at least one day per week on my day off which I don't mind at all because I have a great relationship with the baby and it's helping her out.

However recently she booked both her babies christening and her wedding and asked other friends in our group to be the babies godmother and the other friend to be her bridesmaid. Im not a part of the wedding ceremony at all and although it's hurt me I understand the pressure and stress of events like this so obviously put my feelings to one side and have done all I can to support her.

The problem is now that it feels like everybody is bringing it up to me and I don't know what to say, asking if we have fell out or if she asked me and I said no or why am I not a part or the worst is her family or other friends assuming I'm both godmother and bridesmaid.

Since my mum has said to me I'm being used because would I drop my child off all day on my friends only day off work when she's a single parent without food, nappies etc and I couldn't imagine her not being part of my special day. This has made me think am I being used. Any advice would be appreciated.

I didn't mean to criticise your post, it's just that I know people like the 'friend'!

I don't think there's any point in saying anything - she will have an excuse and you will look like the bad guy.

Absolutely. There is no way you'd come out of that discussion without being painted as jealous/needy/inappropriate/childish. Even though you both know that's not the case, that is how you will be presented when she is retelling it to others despite the extravagant favour you have been doing for her out of kindness and affection.

My advice is to bow out gracefully, quietly, politely, with your self-esteem intact and your boundaries re-established to reflect the value she places upon you.

Eta: And that means no more childminding her baby ON YOUR DAY OFF. EVERY WEEK.

You nutter.
Soz.
Good luck with it. xx

She's definitely taking the piss.

I think you can gather from what your Mum and now, others are saying that unfortunately it does seem that your friend is taking the piss. Personally, I'd stop having the baby on my days off and keep it at play dates.

wow people are jumping to conclusions a lot. OP I think if it's your best friend and she trust you with her child like that - you should be able to ring her up and tell her how YOU feel. It doesn't matter what other people think, it matters what you think.

I don’t think anyone is jumping to conclusions when you take into account that OP has been told in no uncertain terms that she’s expected to look after the child during the wedding because ‘childcare is too expensive’. At what point does she acknowledge that she is being used ?

The first comments were. Maybe further down she has said she is looking after her children on the wedding. Her original post doesn't say that. But my opinion remains that she shouldn't hesitate to speak to her friend directly...if it's her best friend.

Best friend of 25 years and you’re not even a part of the wedding ceremony?!? I’m sorry hun this must sting but I agree with your mum on this! I’d be extremely hurt I can imagine you are!

Wow, this is horrible.

'd tell her how you feel if shes a friend she'll listen and explain.

If you're not satisfied with the reason ahes not recognising your importanxe to her child and her, Id stop looking after baby, get a hobby that clashes or use your free time for you.

You sound like a lovely person and sometimes lovely people get take advantage of by the less lovely people we meet :(

No nappies??? No food???!!! That's wierd

How does she reciprocate?
unless you absolutely thoroughly love having her baby I wouldn’t put your self out.

My first reaction is Wow just Wow and then Seriously. Any chance you are lending her money as well or just buying things for the child. There has to be a back story on this but either way she has just told you by her actions exactly where you fit in her life by not inviting you to be either a Godparent or be part of the wedding ceremony. This smacks of photos. Does she think you can't afford the outfits or does she think you are over weight and doesn't fit with her overall aesthetics? If any of these is correct - then dump her as friend because she clearly isn't one.

You are too kind and lovely to her and she is just using you. Please don't have her baby anymore and don't do wedding childcare. She has family to ask or she can pay for this.
Enjoy your day off.

Your mum is right. She is using you. I'm very sorry because you are obviously a generous and lovely friend who should not be taken advantage of.

Go to the wedding and drink the same value of alcohol as you’ve spent on nappies.

she has saved THOUSANDS in childcare through this and can’t even invite you to enjoy a night out without making you work for it. She sounds awful, I’m sorry OP x

You don’t even have to drink it either. Just get another drink and pour away her money down the sink. I am so angry for you!

That’s if she has a free bar (which judging by her behaviour she won’t have, as saving money at the expense of her friends is what she’s most keen on.)

you have been so nice, OP. It’s a real shame she never valued that.

I've had the baby every week since September when my lg started school.

So, has she asked you to have her baby this week? Have you heard from her since you started this thread this week?

My goodness I have been in this exact same situation, are you me 7 years ago? Unfortunately I did call her out on it, and our friendship never recovered.

Fortunately the child is a baby. She won't remember you or be traumatised. The loss, if any, will be yours to carry.

I suspect you've bent over backwards to assure new mum it's an absolute pleasure to look after her baby. You've really gone out on a limb to make sure she knows how you are happy to do this.

New mum has probably convinced herself she's doing you a favour by looking after her dd.

You know, the poor, sad you, who has nothing better to do than look after someone else's baby without pay?

End it now. And be planned and prepared.

Find a parent, family member, friend in need, training course, fluffy dog who now needs your help (the more ficticious the better) and just tell friend it's been a pleasure, but you can no longer look after baby from end of month, due to other responsibilities.

Be prepared that she will offer you money (lower than market rate) because unless she's a moron, she's been peeing over gold dust.

Be prepared that she will offer to make you a godmother as well - RUN FOR THE HILLS - because she's one of those entitled people who exploits other people. Yes, you'll be first up for babysitting every Friday and Saturday.

Just state you're not religious or you've already promised a cousin to be godmother and you think you've got your hands full with your own family members.

Be prepared that she'll exclaim she's in a panic - there's no one else at short notice. Tell her her family or the godmother needs or an agency childminder needs to take over.

Apologoise, but state firmly you've promised your time and attention to a family member.

You don't need to get into a negotiation - you just need to get out and cut all ties.

I honestly don't know how you got yourself in this situation.

It's such a huge thing to do.

But you need to get out of it. You're not respected. You're not valued.

And if you're ever found out?

Just say all the childcare was getting a bit much.

But most importantly find something that benefits you with your day off.

Maybe finding better friends who aren't manipulating and exploiting you.

Drop her, she isn't a friend, she is a user. If the person who watches your child once a week isn't invited to the whole wedding, then she doesn't consider you a friend. You deserve better. Value yourself...

I had a friend like this she was my BF her DD was the same age as my DD she’s the godmother to my DD2, and when she needed child care for her DD because of her work (which was often) she was so close, my BF and would often have my DD as well. Now they are older she doesn’t need to child care and has completely disappear. She didn’t even send DD2 a birthday card. It’s so hurtful that people can be like that. I really hope I raise my DD’s to not treat people like that.

Agree with all of this.

But also be prepared that if she turns nasty, because she might, you need to clarify to everyone that the free childcare and paying for her nappies* was getting a bit much

She sees you as her friend, not her best friend. If you enjoy the baby, continue to watch it. If the baby is a burden, let her know that she needs to make other arrangements because you have things you need to take care of on your day off. Do not be quick to throw away a twenty five year friendship.