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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

House guests - have I lost the plot?

150 replies

pringleaddict · 14/05/2024 14:41

We are currently hosting a young couple for a few days - the daughter of very close family friend + boyfriend. I am already annoyed with them as they basically invited themselves (I would have said yes, as the daughter is basically family, if they had asked but manners would be nice) and they have been continually fed and consumed a massive amount of wine without contributing anything - so this may be influencing my current views!

My youngest DD is also home from uni for a few days for her birthday. Her exams are in 2 weeks so this was meant to be a low key break for her with a lot of studying - she failed one of her mid year exams and if she fails a single end of year one she will be out of her course (medicine). She knows our guests quite well, although they are mid 20's and she is 19. Our guests suggested taking her for a pub crawl on her birthday (yesterday) and I asked them not to as she needed to study. This was ignored and they went out and got smashed. The guests planned a day put today and have invited her again despite knowing that she really needs to be studying. Of course she has gone with them. They find this all very funny.

I KNOW that this is primarily my DD's fault but she is autistic and has ADHD and is well known to our guest for poor choices in the moment. AIBU for being very annoyed with our guests for not making independent plans so she could be left to study, when it was made very clear to them that this was the original plan?

OP posts:
GerminateMyParsnips · 14/05/2024 14:43

YANBU to be annoyed but whether I would say anything would depend on how long is a 'few days' and whether or not I could use this constant distraction as a reason to make it a 'few days' less than planned and send them on their way pronto.

SharedAccountWithMySister · 14/05/2024 14:44

Your DD is an adult. She can say no herself or will learn the consequences!

Whilst I appreciate you can foresee what will most likely happen it does sound like it’s a life lesson she needs to learn herself.

AgreeableDragon · 14/05/2024 14:45

Ask them to leave. Your daughter's career is far more important than a friendship.

AgathaMystery · 14/05/2024 14:45

Send them on their way.

A very separate & much more serious issue is your DD not prioritising her last chance at her medical degree over a pub crawl. Neurodivergent or not.

heldinadream · 14/05/2024 14:46

Sit them down and give them a talking to.
"You are my guest and you are behaving badly. I asked you not to encourage DD to go out drinking but you went ahead anyway - twice. You do realise you are in my home? I'm disappointed in you. You invited yourselves here and are now abusing my kindness. Unfortunately this means the kindness has run out.
Shall I call you a taxi or will you do it yourselves?"

saltinesandcoffeecups · 14/05/2024 14:46

So you allowed them to stay and your DD is agreeing to going out with them. But it’s the houseguests fault?

pinkyredrose · 14/05/2024 14:47

Tbh if your daughter is that easily led then maybe a career in medicine isn't for her.
The whole lot of them need to grow up though

saltinesandcoffeecups · 14/05/2024 14:47

heldinadream · 14/05/2024 14:46

Sit them down and give them a talking to.
"You are my guest and you are behaving badly. I asked you not to encourage DD to go out drinking but you went ahead anyway - twice. You do realise you are in my home? I'm disappointed in you. You invited yourselves here and are now abusing my kindness. Unfortunately this means the kindness has run out.
Shall I call you a taxi or will you do it yourselves?"

🤣 Is this for real or in mumsnet land?

SpringKitten · 14/05/2024 14:48

If your dd is that easily distracted perhaps she is not really wanting to complete her degree in Medicine after all?

As for your guests - how have they had access to all this wine?! If they have been helping themselves I would simply ask them not to, tell them you bought it to last through the summer and it’s not “for them”.

Haydenn · 14/05/2024 14:49

When you say a few days? How much longer are they there for? For the sake of your daughter’s exams I’d be tempted to stump up for an Airbnb for them and tell them this week is no longer convenient

MrMotivatorsLeotard · 14/05/2024 14:49

They are unreasonable for not bringing so much as a token gift and then consuming vast amounts of food and wine. Their parents should have taught them how to be good houseguests- are the parents similarly behaved?

But I think YABU regarding your DD. If she’s not taking her degree seriously right now then she’s probably not mature enough for the course. Given how much tuition fees cost these days, as her mum I’d be pretty pissed off that she wasn’t prioritising studying.

viques · 14/05/2024 14:50

AgathaMystery · 14/05/2024 14:45

Send them on their way.

A very separate & much more serious issue is your DD not prioritising her last chance at her medical degree over a pub crawl. Neurodivergent or not.

This. She wants to be in a profession where she will need to make many decisions which will have impact on other peoples lives. If she is easily swayed not to make the right decisions for herself I wonder how she is going to be able to make the right decisions for her patients.

Maddy70 · 14/05/2024 14:51

Yabu

Going out with your daughter on her birthday is very reasonable she also needs down time it will do her good to have fun

Once the wine has run out they will have to buy their own ...

BePinkReader · 14/05/2024 14:51

19 year olds in general would prefer a night out to studying, that isn't just a neurodivergent issue.

It's your DD you need to talk to, she knows these are criteria exams so unfortunately, you'll have to leave her to make her own mistakes.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 14/05/2024 14:51

I am already annoyed with them as they basically invited themselves (I would have said yes, as the daughter is basically family, if they had asked but manners would be nice)

You didn't have to say yes, I'm surprised you did knowing your daughter is studying for her exams

JuiceBoxJuggler · 14/05/2024 14:52

Close the door behind them as they leave.

Original poster
pringleaddict · 14/05/2024 14:59

Thanks for all the helpful replies - it has given me a better perspective on the issue and I have calmed down a bit! I agree that this is first and foremost my DD's fault.

Edited to add: house guest are due to leave tomorrow so I won't need to throw them out. However, there will be no future visits during pre-exam periods.

OP posts:
DinnaeFashYersel · 14/05/2024 15:02

You grin and bear it

You tell them how you feel and ask them to amends

You tell them to sling their hooks.

I'd go with one of the latter two

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/05/2024 19:36

heldinadream · 14/05/2024 14:46

Sit them down and give them a talking to.
"You are my guest and you are behaving badly. I asked you not to encourage DD to go out drinking but you went ahead anyway - twice. You do realise you are in my home? I'm disappointed in you. You invited yourselves here and are now abusing my kindness. Unfortunately this means the kindness has run out.
Shall I call you a taxi or will you do it yourselves?"

I'd be doing this too. Frankly, if this "daughter of [a] very close family friend " "is basically family", then I would feel perfectly able to take her to task. And yes, I would be telling them to leave. Their presence is messing up the bigger picture.

Luxell934 · 14/05/2024 19:43

heldinadream · 14/05/2024 14:46

Sit them down and give them a talking to.
"You are my guest and you are behaving badly. I asked you not to encourage DD to go out drinking but you went ahead anyway - twice. You do realise you are in my home? I'm disappointed in you. You invited yourselves here and are now abusing my kindness. Unfortunately this means the kindness has run out.
Shall I call you a taxi or will you do it yourselves?"

Cringe!!!! Do NOT say this.

Your DD is an adult and needs to make her own choices unfortunately.

coxesorangepippin · 14/05/2024 19:45

Your daughter might fail her medical degree because you are too weak to put your foot down?

Is that what I'm hearing??

coxesorangepippin · 14/05/2024 19:46

No future visits, end of.

Piss takers extraordinaire

Luxell934 · 14/05/2024 19:47

coxesorangepippin · 14/05/2024 19:45

Your daughter might fail her medical degree because you are too weak to put your foot down?

Is that what I'm hearing??

She’s 19, Mummy can put her ‘foot down’ all she wants but it was her birthday and went out.

berksandbeyond · 14/05/2024 19:47

Honestly, if your daughter can’t stand up to people and say she doesn’t want to go drinking because she has other commitments, the medicine degree is a waste of time anyway as she’ll never make it as a doctor

bloodyplumbing · 14/05/2024 19:48

Regarding your daughter as she invited or was she summonsed?