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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

House guests - have I lost the plot?

150 replies

pringleaddict · 14/05/2024 14:41

We are currently hosting a young couple for a few days - the daughter of very close family friend + boyfriend. I am already annoyed with them as they basically invited themselves (I would have said yes, as the daughter is basically family, if they had asked but manners would be nice) and they have been continually fed and consumed a massive amount of wine without contributing anything - so this may be influencing my current views!

My youngest DD is also home from uni for a few days for her birthday. Her exams are in 2 weeks so this was meant to be a low key break for her with a lot of studying - she failed one of her mid year exams and if she fails a single end of year one she will be out of her course (medicine). She knows our guests quite well, although they are mid 20's and she is 19. Our guests suggested taking her for a pub crawl on her birthday (yesterday) and I asked them not to as she needed to study. This was ignored and they went out and got smashed. The guests planned a day put today and have invited her again despite knowing that she really needs to be studying. Of course she has gone with them. They find this all very funny.

I KNOW that this is primarily my DD's fault but she is autistic and has ADHD and is well known to our guest for poor choices in the moment. AIBU for being very annoyed with our guests for not making independent plans so she could be left to study, when it was made very clear to them that this was the original plan?

OP posts:

StormingNorman · 14/05/2024 19:50

Your guests are being disrespectful to ignore your requests about leaving DD to study. As old friends they obviously want to catch up but there would have been better ways to do it.

soupfiend · 14/05/2024 19:51

There are 2 different issues here and you need to be clear about your stance on the issue that is your responsibility and concern

One is that they're takers and not treating the home right by not contributing and inviting themselves in the first place. Are you dissatisfied with that enough, to say, this ends now and you'll need to leave

The second is that your daughter is making unwise choices when offered to go out, despite that she is trying to study. This is her choice and her business, albeit you are going worry about that, but that isnt really a reason to ask them to go because your daughter is the one that needs to make the choice about what she does and doesnt do

Personally, I wouldnt have had them stay in the first place given they invited themselves that would rub me up the wrong way from the start. But then I am a bit of a misery and like you say they are part of your close network.

AnnaCBi · 14/05/2024 19:51

If you need to gatekeep her time and tell her what to do in terms of studying she is not ready to do a medicine degree and definitely not ready to be a doctor.

if this is her attitude, even when she’s being encourage otherwise, then she will likely fail and go through a tough learning curve. Medicine is difficult and requires discipline. It might not be the path for her. Or maybe she’s making her own choices and is, in fact, doing enough, only she can know and time will tell.

BobbyBiscuits · 14/05/2024 19:51

I'm glad they're going. Just don't invite her again. Or don't allow her to invite herself. Tell her you've someone else staying/have a lodger/ won't be there if you have to.
Your daughter shouldn't be studying on her birthday though surely? She deserved a night out. I don't think you should blame her or the guests for that one.

coxesorangepippin · 14/05/2024 19:54

She’s 19, Mummy can put her ‘foot down’ all she wants but it was her birthday and went out.

And who asked her to go out? The piss taking guests.

drusth · 14/05/2024 19:54

pringleaddict · 14/05/2024 14:59

Thanks for all the helpful replies - it has given me a better perspective on the issue and I have calmed down a bit! I agree that this is first and foremost my DD's fault.

Edited to add: house guest are due to leave tomorrow so I won't need to throw them out. However, there will be no future visits during pre-exam periods.

Edited

I would never allow them to stay again, they use you like a hotel.

bloodyplumbing · 14/05/2024 19:56

coxesorangepippin · 14/05/2024 19:54

She’s 19, Mummy can put her ‘foot down’ all she wants but it was her birthday and went out.

And who asked her to go out? The piss taking guests.

And who said yes.... the adult daughter!

semideponent · 14/05/2024 20:01

With respect, OP, I think this comes down to you in the end.

If you turf the friend and boyfriend out on the grounds that DD is neurodivergent, they're distracting her and not being good houseguests....the opportunity is to learn that you need to say no and to say no without bringing in your DD's neurodivergence. Say no on your account and turf them out.

If you focus on DD and how she needs to set boundaries and stop being too compliant...she'd be reasonable to see the pot calling the kettle black. As a PP said, this isn't sounding like abnormal behaviour at 19.

The feelings that go with taking this on board can suck. But saying no can feel good too.

Reallybadidea · 14/05/2024 20:08

Kindly, if your dd is struggling to get the balance between socialising and studying right when she's at home with you to advise, then I would be surprised if she can do it when she's away from home and university. She is at the beginning of a very long slog of university and training and her attitude doesn't bode well.

lucindasspunkyfunkyvoice · 14/05/2024 21:12

pinkyredrose · 14/05/2024 14:47

Tbh if your daughter is that easily led then maybe a career in medicine isn't for her.
The whole lot of them need to grow up though

Totally

MolkosTeenageAngst · 14/05/2024 22:11

Your daughter is an adult and if she’s studying medicine she will need to be committed. If she isn’t able to show the discipline needed to pass her exams the course probably isn’t for her.

Anotherparkingthread · 14/05/2024 22:18

Jesus, your dd is a teenager and you invited over a couple in their early twenties, and you honestly expected them not to go out, on her birthday? Were you ever young, even once?

Let them do as they wish. In the grand scheme of things it's a couple of days. If that is enough to jeopardise your daughter's study then she needs more help than an evening hitting the books.

Also it was her birthday. Yabu

Delatron · 14/05/2024 22:26

coxesorangepippin · 14/05/2024 19:45

Your daughter might fail her medical degree because you are too weak to put your foot down?

Is that what I'm hearing??

This. Why on earth did you agree to house guests when your daughter is doing important exams. You should have said no immediately and told them why. Your daughter should have come first.

TheOccupier · 14/05/2024 22:29

This is entirely your DD's fault, and frankly someone who is known for making "poor choices in the moment" is probably not well suited for a career in medicine.

Noseybookworm · 14/05/2024 22:38

You were foolish to say yes to hosting guests while your DD is home and needs to study. At 19, you can't tell her what to do but you can let her know that you're disappointed and unhappy with her choices. Primarily though, you have responsibility for hosting them at this particular time.

Doingmybest12 · 14/05/2024 22:40

Interested to know , how did they invite themselves and you couldn't say yes or no. Did they just arrive and let themselves in. You can teach your daughter about boundaries and choices by not just allowing situations to arise in the first place. If they are drinking too much of your wine , take it away , say no, hide it. I honestly can't imagine not being in control of my own home like this.

Delatron · 14/05/2024 22:47

I’ve reread your OP where you’ve said your daughter has ADHD. I have a son with ADHD who is known for quite poor choices (and dopamine seeking!). It’s not her fault here - you should not have allowed these guests round to distract her. I’m guessing it’s hard for her to focus at the best of times. Hence she came home to study and not get distracted.

Cofaki · 14/05/2024 22:49

So many people on here don't understand neurodivergent people and don't understand the amount of support you need to find your DD to help her make good choices and ignore her impulses.

I personally would communicate to these guests that you're disappointed with their behaviour and not respecting you regarding your DD. Even if you do it via email once they've left. And I should be reluctant to have them back again.

bfsham · 14/05/2024 23:03

Where is that support going to come from day in day out in a medical career though? Clinical medicine is very tough, no one is able to nanny you along.

pizzaHeart · 14/05/2024 23:12

Idontjetwashthefucker · 14/05/2024 14:51

I am already annoyed with them as they basically invited themselves (I would have said yes, as the daughter is basically family, if they had asked but manners would be nice)

You didn't have to say yes, I'm surprised you did knowing your daughter is studying for her exams

This^
no way in this situation I would allow any house guests even my own mum.
There is something in what some posters are saying, maybe this revision wasn’t such a good idea. I know from experience that it’s good to have aspirations but only you are realistic at the same time.
Does your Dd really want career in medicine and will be able to hold one? My DD has additional needs and what she wants and what she’ll be able to do are very different things.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 14/05/2024 23:12

Let fate take its course. She'll pass or fail on her own merit. She's an adult and is on a course which expects her to behave like one, as she will be aware. It's made plain enough.

Delatron · 14/05/2024 23:15

bfsham · 14/05/2024 23:03

Where is that support going to come from day in day out in a medical career though? Clinical medicine is very tough, no one is able to nanny you along.

No but you can help by creating a home environment that is conducive to studying peacefully which is what her DD needed. With zero distractions and temptations. I’m guessing that’s why she came back from Uni.

Cantrushart · 14/05/2024 23:21

Why do people seem to expect superhuman discipline from medical students? They can be young and daft, they can make some bad choices, and they can hate studying. That doesn't mean that they won't mature into excellent doctors.

Pinkbonbon · 14/05/2024 23:31

Tbh medicine sounds like a bloody hard slog for someone who had failed an exam already and is easily led astray. Doesn't sound like it's for her.

Let her go out and enjoy herself.
She's 19, that's what she's meant to do.

NewName24 · 14/05/2024 23:40

As has been said, there are two different issues.

A ..... serious issue is your DD not prioritising her last chance at her medical degree over a pub crawl. Neurodivergent or not.

This is the important one. Medicine is a really challenging degree (and then challenging career once you qualify). You need a heck of a lot of determination and drive to make it through.

The other one is
We are currently hosting a young couple for a few days - the daughter of very close family friend + boyfriend. I am already annoyed with them as they basically invited themselves (I would have said yes, as the daughter is basically family, if they had asked but manners would be nice)

I mean - if you had your dd at home for her to have quiet and no distractions, then you could have said "No" to them coming, or *Not his week / fortnight - it would be lovely to see you after that though"

Then
and they have been continually fed and consumed a massive amount of wine without contributing anything

Well, presumably you have offered this ?
I've had people stay here before, to take advantage of where we live, and it's fine, but I've no qualms about saying "you are welcome to a bed for the night and to help yourselves to breakfast, but, due to commitments, I can't really be 'hosting you or cooking you meals" at which point they say - no worries, we'll eat out, or even, we'll cook something for you as a thank you, or we'll get a takeaway for us all to thank you for having us" or whatever.
Generally though, if they are friends I want to see, then I think feeding people is fairly normal, is it not ?

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