House guests - have I lost the plot?

[pringleaddict]

We are currently hosting a young couple for a few days - the daughter of very close family friend + boyfriend. I am already annoyed with them as they basically invited themselves (I would have said yes, as the daughter is basically family, if they had asked but manners would be nice) and they have been continually fed and consumed a massive amount of wine without contributing anything - so this may be influencing my current views!

My youngest DD is also home from uni for a few days for her birthday. Her exams are in 2 weeks so this was meant to be a low key break for her with a lot of studying - she failed one of her mid year exams and if she fails a single end of year one she will be out of her course (medicine). She knows our guests quite well, although they are mid 20's and she is 19. Our guests suggested taking her for a pub crawl on her birthday (yesterday) and I asked them not to as she needed to study. This was ignored and they went out and got smashed. The guests planned a day put today and have invited her again despite knowing that she really needs to be studying. Of course she has gone with them. They find this all very funny.

I KNOW that this is primarily my DD's fault but she is autistic and has ADHD and is well known to our guest for poor choices in the moment. AIBU for being very annoyed with our guests for not making independent plans so she could be left to study, when it was made very clear to them that this was the original plan?

I think this poster is responding to the OP who said…..

”Thankfully we have a “golden passport” to a country that appreciates (and pays) doctors well so enjoy your NHS mess.”

So it appears (to me) that OPs daughter is being trained as a doctor in the UK but has access to a ‘golden passport’ and will go abroad after the training funded by the NHS to ‘a country that appreciates (and pays) doctors well’ so then we (the British taxpayer/Mumsnetters/people in the UK) can ‘enjoy our NHS mess’.

Which I thought was a really shitty comment to make.

So many medical experts are ND, you are so ignorant. Have you ever spent time with senior medical consultants?
I actually feel sorry for you, because you don’t even realize how much you don’t know.

Medicine is tough - if she’s struggling now it may not be right for her (there are a lot more years of it to go) Have you considered that this may be her way of letting you know

Can't even tell what's happening properly on this thread. Saw a few people refer to the daughter passing her exams and looked everywhere - turns out OP said something to get her post deleted so we've missed some vital information there (along with whatever she said that got her post removed)

This! ⬆️

With this quiet time at home being so important to your daughter, why did you agree to houseguests in the 1st place?

I was working full time at 19, living on my own and paying bills. I definitely wasn't messing about.

So you had no time and were just a perfect work robot? "Sorry I can't celebrate my birthday there is labour to be performed!"

Well I wasn't like that (I was studying and working too) and I'm not living in an oscar the grouch style bin in adulthood so feel everyone needs to chill.

There's a big difference between going out some evenings and having fun with friends and missing an actual exam because you're staring at the TV!

I went out loads and had loads of fun but I didn't shirk my responsibilities or miss doing things that were important.

She didn't miss an exam...

In fact I had several meetings with department lead as one of doctors had poor performance.
I was asked not to push case forward as she is "working to the best of her abilities and another complain could kill her career".

Tbh I did not go further as poor girl was just another victim of overly ambituous parents pushing children in totally unsuitable careers.

I am sure that some people with autism and adhd can perform as doctors to the same standard as everyone else, but for many it is not the case.
Let's not pretend that everyone can be equaly good in every career. We all have physical, mental, emotional and other limitations.

As someone who's son is desperate to study medicine but im not sure he will get a place I would tell them they have to leave. I know how hard it is to get a place so no friends or children of friends or basically anyone is worth this being jeopardised for your albeit adult child.

So that doctor with performance issue is ND? You need to get educated, and open your dinosaur mind.

Sounds like that Dr could have had any number of issues.

Your poor girl pity is just pathetic. Your righteous decisions about who can and can’t do a certain thing IS pitiful.

Lol what?
You can be as open minded as you want, it does not change the fact that some people are more capable than others to do certain professions.

so many people on this thread know nothing about neurodiversity. My ADHD makes me a perfectionist, I strive to be the best I can be. I push and push and push myself to be better. It’s not “silly ADHD I forgot your surgery” it’s “I have spent the last week with my head in the books/CPD/discussing with colleagues over and over and over again to prepare for this surgery because I must get it right”. My autism makes me hyper-empathetic, it’s actually me that a lot of colleagues choose for difficult clients as I get it, I relate whereas they just get frustrated.

I am not saying it’s all a positive. I was diagnosed because I struggle to switch off. I was into everything and spinning a million plates. But I am not a silly reckless individual that some posters on this thread want to make out all ND people are

Nice support… not

her DD has ADHD which sometimes leads to people trying to mask so they fit in and don’t stand out. I daresay DD would rather stick pins in her eyes than go out and get smashed and make small talk. Fact

but to say she should not aspire to have a career in medicine. How very dare your small minded approach and views have any place in today’s society

that girl probably has super powers you wouldn’t be able to dream of.

I hope one day you don’t need to rely or require her medicinal talents.

Not taking it personally are you? I'm allowed to have a view, same as you are.

'Superpowers' indeed.

Is it impossible for people to post these days without making excuses for their kid because they’re autistic and/or ADHD?? 🤯

"I KNOW that this is primarily my DD's fault but she is autistic and has ADHD and is well known to our guest for poor choices in the moment."

This does not bode well for someone planning a medical career - I hope not in a role dealing with a possible emergency.

Are you for real? Do you have any idea how many neurodiverse people are doctors ? It is VERY common

It’s clear you have no understanding whatsoever of neurodiversity. Are you not aware that there are MANY neurodiverse medical professionals and that they often have skills and personality traits that make them perfect for the role and set them far apart from their neurotypical counterparts?

Wow again. People’s misconception and individual viewpoints are staggering.

You will find many ND go on to be hugely successful, they have amazing abilities to read people and situations not to mention their ability to think outside the box. Due to this there are so many ND in professional fields such as medicine, law, policing etc.

Reading you good folk it sounds like some of you are extremely small minded with huge chips on your shoulders.

But this isn't a one-off - OP already said that DD failed a mid-year exam too, and is now making poor decisions which will potentially lead to being excluded from the course. Do you think that failing exams and not prioritising studying over drinking makes for good doctors? She may have been able to demonstrate some of the required characteristics to get on the course, but medicine is notoriously difficult and lots of students to who made it on to the course drop out because it's not right for them. Perhaps DD felt pressured in some way to live up to expectations, and is now realising how hard that actually is?

DS2 has ADHD among other things, and would go out every night and get smashed if he could. He'd rather stick pins in his eyes than struggle for hours on end to act "normal". ND is a spectrum, and what is fact for one is not fact for another. Fact.

Exactly what I was thinking.

She’s ND and 19 for a start.
And it was her birthday.
Of course she’s going to celebrate and make ‘bad’ decisions.

Means nothing about her academic mind.

The house guests were piss takers.

OP, has DD knuckled down more since they left?

Hear here!! 👏🏻🙌🏻🫶🏻