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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not see an issue/not consider it blackmail

129 replies

ARichtGoodDram · 14/05/2024 11:23

I’ve been contacted by the parent of my DD’s friend (they’re both 11) ranting about my DD “blackmailing” their DD.

Their DD wants to go somewhere. My DD doesn’t fancy it, but has said she’ll go if her friend then goes with her to an event she wants to go to.

Both events are similar length of time and cost.

To me this is an entirely fair swap. However, the other parent is raging because DD can easily (in their opinion) ask another friend or one of her siblings to go with her whereas her friend can only ask her.

When I said I don’t see the issue in them both attending something they don’t massively fancy as a swap thing I’ve had a ranting message back and been blocked. This parent is normally very level headed so I’m just checking I’m not missing something

OP posts:
Cas112 · 14/05/2024 11:26

Have you advised that her DD could have said no, I dont think it sounds like your DD is forcing her to the event? Just a reasonable compromise which the other DD doesn't have to accept.

I guess it all matters on the tone in which your daughter suggested this. I dont think its really a massive issue/suggestion as long as your daughter wasn't forceful with it

Haydenn · 14/05/2024 11:29

Just get your DD to go to the event she wants to go to with someone else. Leave this lunatic to calm down.

Original poster
ARichtGoodDram · 14/05/2024 11:30

I just said to the parent that I don’t see the issue. Dd doesn’t want to go to X but wants to go to Y. Her friend is the opposite so having originally said no thanks to going to X, DD then followed up with “hey. why don’t I come to X with you and you come to Y with me???”

The friend said she really didn’t want to go to Y so DD said ok and thought that was the end of it. No forcing or pushing at all.

The parent has exploded.

OP posts:
IbisDancer · 14/05/2024 11:32

you are right OP, it’s not blackmail but tit for tat, as in a compromise.

blackmail would be

  • you come to my event or I will tell on you/bully you
emotional blackmail would be
  • you come to my event or I won’t be friends anymore
Mosaic123 · 14/05/2024 11:32

Does the friend's Mum class it as bullying? Perhaps that's a red flag to her?

It kind of depends on the event too.

Mackmacking · 14/05/2024 11:33

ARichtGoodDram · 14/05/2024 11:30

I just said to the parent that I don’t see the issue. Dd doesn’t want to go to X but wants to go to Y. Her friend is the opposite so having originally said no thanks to going to X, DD then followed up with “hey. why don’t I come to X with you and you come to Y with me???”

The friend said she really didn’t want to go to Y so DD said ok and thought that was the end of it. No forcing or pushing at all.

The parent has exploded.

Edited

It sounds like the other parent thinks your child is obliged to go with her because her child has fewer friends. Ive actually had a friend a bit like this.

FOJN · 14/05/2024 11:33

Your daughter must go to the event her friend wants because the child has no other friends to ask and the parent is angry about that. Who's blackmailing who?

Is it possible the other parent can't afford both events?

Original poster
ARichtGoodDram · 14/05/2024 11:34

Mosaic123 · 14/05/2024 11:32

Does the friend's Mum class it as bullying? Perhaps that's a red flag to her?

It kind of depends on the event too.

In what way could it been seen as bullying?

I’m genuinely trying to work out why this has exploded

OP posts:
BeardieWeirdie · 14/05/2024 11:35

I wouldn’t want to pay for my child to attend an event she doesn’t want to go to.

Both ought to find friends with common interests.

Igmum · 14/05/2024 11:36

If her friend's mum reacts like that to all other parents I think I might know why your DD's friend struggles with other friendships. No, as you've described it, it definitely isn't blackmail

vivainsomnia · 14/05/2024 11:37

I agree that it could depend on the activity. If what her friend suggested is a shared hobby whilst your DD is suggesting something her friend is scared of and she knows it, that's quite different.

Colombie · 14/05/2024 11:40

There is usually some sort of back story or communication gap when someone explodes like this.

How you address it I'm not sure though.

Original poster
ARichtGoodDram · 14/05/2024 11:41

Cost isn’t an issue. They’re both very low cost community events for the next bank holiday

The one DD wants to go to is an outdoor cinema event and the one the friend wants to go to is where they have animals and few fairground rides in the park.

Nothing extreme in either case.

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 14/05/2024 11:43

@ARichtGoodDram are both the girls okay with the outcome? I wonder if the other girl is possibly even embarrassed by her mother’s actions…

KreedKafer · 14/05/2024 11:44

Mosaic123 · 14/05/2024 11:32

Does the friend's Mum class it as bullying? Perhaps that's a red flag to her?

It kind of depends on the event too.

If the friend's mum classes it as 'bullying', that is every bit as absurd as calling it 'blackmail'. It is neither.

It kind of depends on the event too.

It really doesn't.

paintingvenice · 14/05/2024 11:45

Can’t imagine why the poor girl doesn’t have many friends if this is how the mother responds and “manages” her friendships. Book your DD cinema tickets and move on. Hopefully the girl will continue to be friends, but don’t let your DD miss the thing she wants to do

TossieFleacake · 14/05/2024 11:46

I would suggest the your DD turns down the offer to accompany her friend to her event, and finds someone else to come with her to the things she wants to do.

Message the mum and tell her this. Her reaction to this will help you to see who is being unreasonable here.

Rockhopper81 · 14/05/2024 11:48

I think it's entirely reasonable - we all do things/events that we might not choose of our own accord (but don't actively hate, that's different), but because friends/family ask us to, and we do the same in return. That's compromise.

I mean, if the activities were something like ice skating v a spider handling experience, that would be different! Or going to the cinema v a theme park (cost difference). But this is literally going on a few rides v watching a film outside...both entirely reasonable, low key, age-appropriate events.

Honestly, it sounds like the friend isn't getting things entirely her own way and doesn't like it. Nobody is forcing anyone to do anything they don't want, but a bit of give-and-take is part of life.

Original poster
ARichtGoodDram · 14/05/2024 11:51

JingsMahBucket · 14/05/2024 11:43

@ARichtGoodDram are both the girls okay with the outcome? I wonder if the other girl is possibly even embarrassed by her mother’s actions…

They were chatting fine last night after it and the friend knocked for DD to walk to school this morning so as far as I was aware, yes.

obviously the girl may have been upset to her Mum privately and I’m wondering if that’s what has sparked it

OP posts:
MaggieFS · 14/05/2024 11:53

Why isn't there anyone else the other girl can go with? I agree it's far from blackmail and the whole thing sounds ridiculous, but to fully understand it, that's the key for me. Does your DD know that's the case?

Original poster
ARichtGoodDram · 14/05/2024 11:54

TossieFleacake · 14/05/2024 11:46

I would suggest the your DD turns down the offer to accompany her friend to her event, and finds someone else to come with her to the things she wants to do.

Message the mum and tell her this. Her reaction to this will help you to see who is being unreasonable here.

I can’t message the mum, she’s blocked me.

She messaged asking me to deal with DD blackmailing her Dd. I asked what she meant and she said it was over the events and that she wasn’t happy with DD. I took a photo of DDs phone screen to show the conversation, expecting her to say there was a bit missing that DD had maybe deleted or something, and she said that blackmail was exactly what she was talking about.

I said I don’t remotely see it as blackmail. Them both going to something they don’t massively fancy is a fair compromise to go to the event they want to together imo.

She replied saying she could see where DD got her manners from and blocked me.

OP posts:
GentlemanJohnny · 14/05/2024 11:54

The friend's DM is clearly a drama lama.

Ignore her.

CassandraProphesying · 14/05/2024 11:57

Colombie · 14/05/2024 11:40

There is usually some sort of back story or communication gap when someone explodes like this.

How you address it I'm not sure though.

Yes, if it’s out of character for a usually levelheaded person (as OP said), it sounds a bit like a ‘last straw’ scenario.

Original poster
ARichtGoodDram · 14/05/2024 12:00

Colombie · 14/05/2024 11:40

There is usually some sort of back story or communication gap when someone explodes like this.

How you address it I'm not sure though.

This is my issue - I don’t know what to do about it

The girls have been friends since being at school and there’s never been an issue like this between them, and I’ve never known the parent to be so OTT about something.

More involved in friendships than I am (I don’t get involved unless I really have to), but never over the top

OP posts:
isthesolution · 14/05/2024 12:05

Why can 'her friend can only ask her.' ? Is there maybe something in there that the issue has come from?

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