Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not see an issue/not consider it blackmail

129 replies

ARichtGoodDram · 14/05/2024 11:23

I’ve been contacted by the parent of my DD’s friend (they’re both 11) ranting about my DD “blackmailing” their DD.

Their DD wants to go somewhere. My DD doesn’t fancy it, but has said she’ll go if her friend then goes with her to an event she wants to go to.

Both events are similar length of time and cost.

To me this is an entirely fair swap. However, the other parent is raging because DD can easily (in their opinion) ask another friend or one of her siblings to go with her whereas her friend can only ask her.

When I said I don’t see the issue in them both attending something they don’t massively fancy as a swap thing I’ve had a ranting message back and been blocked. This parent is normally very level headed so I’m just checking I’m not missing something

OP posts:
LetsGoRoundTheRoundabout · 14/05/2024 14:37

Definitely just leave the girls to it.

Id guess that the other girl is a bit annoyed that now she has to do the thing she doesn’t want to if she wants company at her thing. Which is ok to feel, but perhaps she went over the top in recounting it. And mother has got the wrong end of the stick and blown up over it. You said that this mother is more involved in friendship than you are, so there is a bit of backstory. Hopefully she’ll realise that this is normal compromise!

DaisyHaites · 14/05/2024 14:49

I can see why the friend might not have any other friends they could ask…

mrsdineen2 · 14/05/2024 15:12

Half of the occurrences of the word "blackmail" I see on this forum are completely the wrong use of the word, so this mother is not alone in that.

Your daugher has done nothing wrong.

LakeTiticaca · 14/05/2024 15:39

The mother needs to wind her neck in otherwise the daughter will find herself friendless. Word will get around soon enough that mother is a psycho.
11 is old enough not to be micromanaged when arranging to hang out with friends.

SoupChicken · 14/05/2024 15:59

How odd, perhaps her little darling has never had to compromise before and it’s come as a bit of a shock 🤷‍♀️

Datafan55 · 14/05/2024 16:10

Ridiculous. It's just learning adult skills of negotiation, and 'trading' friendship support.

5128gap · 14/05/2024 17:06

No, nothing whatsoever wrong with what your DD said. The mother of the other girl sounds extremely volatile and unreasonable. Suggesting your DD should be obligated because her DD had no one else is very unreasonable and calling it blackmail is hyperbolic. If I were you I'd be keeping my distance as its not good for your DD to have an adult with unfair expectations of her who will resort to this sort of accusation if DD doesn't comply. She is actually trying to bully your DD.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 14/05/2024 17:15

I think the Crazy Mum doesn't understand the difference between blackmail and negotiation.

Your daughter will go far. I think her approach is great.

LookItsMeAgain · 14/05/2024 17:32

As you can't reply to this wackadoodle Mum, my advice would be for your DD to send a message back to the other girl saying "Hi Alice, I won't be able to go to the farm/animal thing with you when it's in town in June. You'll have to find someone else to go with you. See you in school tomorrow, all the best GoodDramDaughter"
or words to that effect.
That releases your DD from having to go to that thing with this particular girl and as your DD has other people to ask to go to the cinema, it's water off a ducks back to her.

I feel sorry for the other kid in this situation as her mother is clearly the type that goes from 1 to 100 in a fraction of a second and on something like this, where your DD is one of her only friends, well, she won't have many friends left if this is how the parent reacts!

CleverCats · 14/05/2024 17:34

@ARichtGoodDram I that you probably don’t know the full story. The reaction is very very over the top and I’m wondering if there are some hugely serious mental health problems going on with the other girl

MistyGreenAndBlue · 14/05/2024 19:20

All it takes is for the friend to have worded it as: "Friend won't go to X with me unless I go to Y with her and I don't really want to." for it to sound a bit like a blackmail situation to her DM. Especially if the friend has no or few other kids she can ask.
But her DM should really have just shrugged and stayed out of it. Kids sort this stuff out by themselves usually.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 14/05/2024 19:30

I think I’m a closet blackmailer. I often tell my friends they owe me one for agreeing to accompany them. My (lovely) spiritual friend understands that she owes me double if she drags me to her stuff. Reiki retreat anyone?

Original poster
ARichtGoodDram · 14/05/2024 20:08

DD won’t be going anywhere with her friend.

The Mum approached DD outside an after school club and a member of school staff ended up intervening after hearing her yelling at DD.

DD has been told she can see the friend at school, scouts and swimming club, but we won’t be mixing out of fixed events like that.
Her friend’s mum has been told if she approaches my child like that again I’ll be calling the police. The Dad has been round to apologise, but didn’t have any reasoning for it and has been told the same as DD about the mixing.

No idea what’s going on but it’s not being taken out on my 11yo! Especially when her friend was fine about it and the girls had been together for the whole after school club.

Dd is fine thankfully. A bit bemused and a little upset about not being able to hang out with her friend as much, but has been distracted by her brother.

I’m quite upset by it all and feeling a bit guilty I didn’t walk over to collect her from after school club. I just didn’t anticipate something like that happening and she always walks to and from school herself as it’s literally at the end of our path. It’s not even a two minute walk to the gate.

OP posts:
Silvers11 · 14/05/2024 20:13

That's awful @ARichtGoodDram . Can't believe the Other Mother lost it at your poor daughter. Sounds like there is something else going on. Did the Dad simply not offer an explanation, or does he not know what the problem is either?

Daleksatemyshed · 14/05/2024 20:15

What bizarre behaviour! I could understand it more if they were older but to shout at an 11 year old is way over the top.

OmuraWhale · 14/05/2024 20:19

Oh OP Shock crazy mum is a complete loon!

Shinyandnew1 · 14/05/2024 20:24

Her friend’s mum has been told if she approaches my child like that again I’ll be calling the police

How did you tell her this if she’s blocked you-have you been round there?

This is all crazy! What exactly did the dad say?

AccountCreateUsername · 14/05/2024 20:28

Shinyandnew1 · 14/05/2024 20:24

Her friend’s mum has been told if she approaches my child like that again I’ll be calling the police

How did you tell her this if she’s blocked you-have you been round there?

This is all crazy! What exactly did the dad say?

OP updated in a previous post that the father came over to apologise so prob then 🤷🏼‍♀️

AccountCreateUsername · 14/05/2024 20:29

Oops sorry @Shinyandnew1 - it’s ME who isn’t reading things properly 😅

Original poster
ARichtGoodDram · 14/05/2024 20:31

Shinyandnew1 · 14/05/2024 20:24

Her friend’s mum has been told if she approaches my child like that again I’ll be calling the police

How did you tell her this if she’s blocked you-have you been round there?

This is all crazy! What exactly did the dad say?

Via her husband.

He didn’t say much. Just that he wanted to check DD was ok and he hoped we wouldn’t take what had happened out on their DD as her friendship with DD is important.
He said he was sorry for the situation, but when asked about why his wife had acted like this he just stammered and shrugged. So DH said about the girls spending time together only in school or other club settings.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 14/05/2024 20:36

Wow. What odd behaviour.

From how you describe the husband - seemingly genuinely unhappy about it - there could well be something else going on with his wife that might become apparent.

I am sorry for your DD and her friend, it's all so unnecessary.

Shinyandnew1 · 14/05/2024 20:40

ARichtGoodDram · 14/05/2024 20:31

Via her husband.

He didn’t say much. Just that he wanted to check DD was ok and he hoped we wouldn’t take what had happened out on their DD as her friendship with DD is important.
He said he was sorry for the situation, but when asked about why his wife had acted like this he just stammered and shrugged. So DH said about the girls spending time together only in school or other club settings.

Show quote history

Blimey, well, that’s really backfired then as of course it’s fling to have an impact on the girls’ friendship as presumably they are now doing neither of the events together on the Bank Holiday?!

TinyYellow · 14/05/2024 20:40

What did crazy lady say to your dd when she was yelling at her?

Original poster
ARichtGoodDram · 14/05/2024 20:55

Createausername1970 · 14/05/2024 20:36

Wow. What odd behaviour.

From how you describe the husband - seemingly genuinely unhappy about it - there could well be something else going on with his wife that might become apparent.

I am sorry for your DD and her friend, it's all so unnecessary.

It may very well be the case there is something going on, but for me a line has been crossed that means I don’t really care. And I don’t care how harsh that sounds either.

My child has been screamed at by an adult outside her school - which should be a safe place for her - and she’s done absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever.

I’m just left feeling sick that she was facing that so close to our home and I was pottering round oblivious until the school club phoned.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 14/05/2024 20:59

jesus what is wrong withh some people poor dd