AIBU to not see an issue/not consider it blackmail

[ARichtGoodDram]

I’ve been contacted by the parent of my DD’s friend (they’re both 11) ranting about my DD “blackmailing” their DD.

Their DD wants to go somewhere. My DD doesn’t fancy it, but has said she’ll go if her friend then goes with her to an event she wants to go to.

Both events are similar length of time and cost.

To me this is an entirely fair swap. However, the other parent is raging because DD can easily (in their opinion) ask another friend or one of her siblings to go with her whereas her friend can only ask her.

When I said I don’t see the issue in them both attending something they don’t massively fancy as a swap thing I’ve had a ranting message back and been blocked. This parent is normally very level headed so I’m just checking I’m not missing something

👀

🍿

If your daughter had the hots for a boy and invited him to a prom. And he turned around and said he would go to the prom with her, but only if she slept with his friend?

What? How? What?

@drusth You won’t be deleted, I also detect the clip clop of hooves from under a bridge.

I agree with you.

Stupid and rude? That’s a hot take!

“If your daughter had the hots for a boy and invited him to a prom. And he turned around and said he would go to the prom with her, but only if she slept with his friend?”

Not even remotely comparable, what would be similar would be if she invited a boy to prom and he said yes, but only if you go to the cinema with me the week after, which would be fine, either accept or decline.

😂

Ooooh! That sounds like it hit a nerve. Are you are the other mum?

Your dd has done nothing wrong. The other mum sounds unhinged and it takes a lot for me to call someone that. If your dd is 11, I am assuming she's in year 6 so therefore they are soon moving up to secondary school?

That just sounds like a normal healthy friendship to me. If anything it blackmail to your daughter not the other way round. If a friend wants to go somewhere you don't particularly want to go you say you'll go so they're not alone. Suggesting this shows more maturity tbh that they're willing to do that for their friend and then their friend can come to one they don't particularly want to do being a good friend back. Blackmail is much more sinister with threats behind the events which isn't there. Totally weird accusations but I would keep all messages jic. If it was blackmail I would of been up at school but they'd of been laughed out of school calling that blackmail.

It sounds as if other mum has something else going on, and dad is aware/ becoming aware of it. I know that your immediate reaction is to spring to the defence of your child (as it should be), and I know that your gut is screaming at you that you failed to be there when she needed you (unequivocally NOT your fault), but when you’ve had time to breath, please remember that there is another eleven year old year child, living with someone who doesn’t sound mentally stable, with very few friends and seems to be losing yet another one.
Your initial post obviously doesn’t equate to blackmail, that was ridiculous, but this appears to be a far deeper problem.
Maybe see if you can reach out to the dad again, tell him that your own child has to be your number one priority, but that you don’t want to be unfair to his either, and try and work out how the friendship can be allowed to continue in a safe way for both children. Putting healthy boundaries in place, and encouraging other friendships for both children.

Isn't this how friendship/any relationship works? You are both willing to compromise for each other.

This reaction by the other mum is very OTT.

We all make compromises with friends surely. As in I've got films I want to see that they don't want to see and vice versa. So if I say will you come see Barbie with me, they'll say ah it's not my thing but I'll come with you as long as you come see Batman with me next week. It's part of life surely! Especially when you are married as im sure couples go to all sorts of events that one half isn't into but it's reciprocated another time.

I'd be so cross about the other mum shouting at her at school. That is not acceptable at all. No going back from that!

Sounds like negotiation to me, not blackmail.
It’s not your DD fault that this other girl doesn’t have any other friendships.

This lady sounds like a nutter!
sounds like the children have sorted this themselves in a much more mature way than the other mother!
This is no way close to blackmail, it's called a comprise. Also the events are a fairground and an outdoor cinema, her daughter isn't being blackmailed into joining an underground fight club! She needs to get a grip. Would just ignore it, maybe have a chat with DD just to check she is ok and happy with the outcome.

If I hadn't read the update about her yelling at your daughter I would have said I can kind of see her point. There is a difference between saying "Sure, I'll come to your thing with you. Will you come to my thing with me?" and "I'll only go to your thing if you come to my thing." One is the give and take that happens in friendships. The other is only doing something if there is something in it for you.

But the other mum clearly has something else going on because her reaction is incredibly OTT. I wonder if she was bullied as a child and therefore is super sensitive now. Either way, she should not have behaved like she did.

TBH OP I think in some ways it was better you weren't there, it could have descended into a slanging match between you and Crazy Mum which would have been a worse experience for your DD, IMHO. There were school staff there that took charge which keeps it at arms length and, really, it's good that the school staff have seen CM's true colours for themselves. The school seem to have acted well since too. And your DD sounds amazing 👏 poor girl.

Fingers crossed going forwards CM reins in the crazy. But lord alone knows what life is like for her poor DP and DD. 😟

I would say it depends how your DD said it "I'm only coming to X if you come to Y" isn't blackmail as such but is a bit shit
"How about if I come to X with you could you come to Y with me" is fine.

DDs wording, imo, was nothing like blackmail.

She’d said no thanks to going and then later on messaged “hey. why don’t I come to X with you and you come to Y with me???”

Her friend said she didn’t want to, DD said ok and as far as she was concerned (and from what I can gather her friend was concerned) that was that.

Bloody hell, why don't you add in a few 'I was just wondering' and 'Would it be ok' in there. The way women are socialised to communicate is terrible.

There's nothing wrong with saying 'I'll come to x if you come to x'. It's direct and to the point.

What a weirdo. Her DD won't have many friends if her mother carries on like that. Personally I'd be furious at an adult screaming at my child to the point I'd be on her doorstep.

Doesn’t everyone do this??
I will say to someone ‘if I put the bins out will you walk the dogs?’ Or if you pay to get in I’ll pay for lunch’…. Or If you drive I’ll buy the coffees and pay the parking!’
Isnt this just basic communication / negotiation skills….
We say to our kids ‘if you’re good in school we’ll do XYZ’…

This mum is lucky, I’d be complaining to police and getting them to warn this arse hole mum!! She’s moaning about your manners then telling her daughter who she can socialise with? Talk about controlling!

It was a deal - a negotiation.

The other mum sounds bonkers.

This sounds like the mum of a classmate of my DD. She messaged me to tell me I needed to look at DD’s messages immediately as DD was cyber bullying her daughter, C.

When I looked at DD’s phone all I could see was that another child had added DD to a WhatsApp group called ‘C’s besties’, DD had asked why she had been added as she wasn’t C’s bestie, the others then proceeded to mock my DD and then kick her out of the group.

I told the mum that it didn’t look to me like C was being bullied by anyone and if anyone was being bullied it was my DD. She then threatened to report it to the head teacher at school, the police, then blocked me. She still blanks me in the street! Totally bizarre overreaction.

Presumably they’re going to secondary this year so the friendship will have fizzled out before long.

the mother is in for a hell of a shock when she won’t be involved in her child’s friendships for much longer.