AIBU to not see an issue/not consider it blackmail

[ARichtGoodDram]

I’ve been contacted by the parent of my DD’s friend (they’re both 11) ranting about my DD “blackmailing” their DD.

Their DD wants to go somewhere. My DD doesn’t fancy it, but has said she’ll go if her friend then goes with her to an event she wants to go to.

Both events are similar length of time and cost.

To me this is an entirely fair swap. However, the other parent is raging because DD can easily (in their opinion) ask another friend or one of her siblings to go with her whereas her friend can only ask her.

When I said I don’t see the issue in them both attending something they don’t massively fancy as a swap thing I’ve had a ranting message back and been blocked. This parent is normally very level headed so I’m just checking I’m not missing something

The other mum may have something different on her mind, or there may be something/ someone else upsetting her DD and she has snapped at the wrong people after seeing her DD upset.

YANBU. Maybe the other mum will chill and apologise in a few days time?

YANBU
It was a quid pro quo not blackmail.
Sometimes we go to support things we would not choose for ourselves, that's the give and take of any relationship.
If the daughter (and mother) are both ND and struggling to see this, that is unfortunate. Some amount of flexibility is needed and is a social skill that can be learned but if no compromise can be reached, the friend/Mum will need to find an alternative solution.
We can all make our own boundaries but if we won't ever bend ourselves, we can't expect others to.

Good grief what an absolute nonsense.

Just tell your dd to stay away from them all they found unhinged

Why can’t the friend ask anyone else? Is there a reason this woman is so focussed on your dd?

It seems bizarre on the mums part, like there's something else going on. Probably nothing to do with you or DD.
I'd just accept the fact she's blocked you. Your daughter is free to continue the friendship with her daughter. If only one of the two wants to do something then they find someone else to do it with? All seems like it's been blown out of proportion by this mum.

I would tell my daughter to find someone else to go with to the event she want to and that she isn’t going to the other event no matter what is said by other child now.
Was the other Mother drunk? That is such a over reaction.

In no way shape or form is it blackmail, its compromise. What a strange woman. So she wants your daughter to go to something she doesn't want to go to but doesn't expect her daughter to do the same. There must be something else going on with the mum to have such an ott reaction. Tell your daughter not to go to the event she isn't keen on.

The only thing I can think of is that the other girl doesn't have any other friends so basically, if your DD doesn't want to do something, she can't do it. While your DD DOES have other friends so if this friend can't/won't come, it doesn't stop her from going to her event?

But that still doesn't make it blackmail and this is frankly, batshit behaviour that would have me a bit concerned about this family's emotional health and well being.

Out of interest, is there any ND? I'm friends with lots of families where there is ND in the family (including in ours) and the two things I've noticed is that often the parent probably has some ND too but it isn't acknowledged/recognised and also that sometimes a parent is massively over compensating for a situation that has arisen due to ND. I am not aware of myself doing it, but I will say I can easily imagine I do too. We've had a recent upset for exactly this reason recently with a friend being completely unfair because she's so used to certain things in their family, she's forgotten it's now how must families operate.

I expect she’s blocked you because she knows she’s been crazy and she doesn’t want to gear the voice of reason.

It may be that she had plans for when the cinema event is on and now her DD has said she HAS to go to it with your DD, your DD is making her etcetc.

Speak to your DD and tell her to sort it out with her friend. Mums shouldn’t be involved in this. She’ll get over it.

You don't get this friendship nonsense with boys . And I think mums get way over involved with friendship issues . Probably stirs up old feelings from the time they were the same age as their daughter.

Why can the friend only ask DD?

Honestly, OP, I would do nothing. Just ignore. The other mother is deranged and your dd has done nothing wrong.

I would leave it up to your dd as to whether she still wants to be friends with the girl or whether she would prefer to distance herself. It sounds like she has plenty of other friends that she can hang out with instead. Though I do feel a bit sorry for the girl with the crazy mother!

Other mum sounds nuts.

It sounds like a fair compromise rather than blackmail! The mum is crazy.

No you're not missing anything, the other parent sounds like a lunatic.

On race across the world this year there is a sibling team who agreed they would each do one thing the other liked while waiting in a city for their next transport. The sister did not enjoy the boxing but the brother quite enjoyed the temple. However they both thought the compromise was good

I think your daughter has excellent negotiating skills and clearly communicated her preferences. No blackmail at all.

What's the outcome are they both going to both, not going to either or each going to their own?

I thought your DD was going to demand money to go to the event she didn't fancy! Just seems like kids sorting things out between themselves, they will probably both enjoy both events in the end and it's good for them to be slightly out of their comfort zones.

Thanks all.

I’ll speak to DD when she gets home and see if it’s been mentioned.

Otherwise I think I’m just going to do nothing and only get involved if necessary (if the other child’s mum says anything to DD I will get involved).

DD is one of 6 kids so negotiation is something they’re all quite good at as inevitably they’ve wanted something from a sibling at some point!

@Bumblebeeinatree DD will go to the cinema event regardless. She’ll either ask someone else, or she’ll just go and either enjoy it solo or find people there she knows. She’s quite happy to do that and it’s being hosted in the park that’s literally opposite our house (next to the school) so no issues there.

Hmm, is there any chance the mother does not want her daughter to see this film, and the girls have worked this out together as a way for her to be allowed to go? So it is actually the parent feeling pressurised?

Wild speculation obviously, it just does seem strange

My suspicion would be that your DD's friend said something more to her Mum. Maybe Mum didn't want her to go to the film and DD had worded things in a way that made it sound like some kind of Blackmail, trying to persuade her Mum to let her go and not realising the trouble she was causing

Even if it was, the Mother sounds way OTT and frankly nuts for blowing up like that

maybe she an only ask dd beause the mother has driven else away with her nonsense over the years-its not blackmail

Just ignore. When I worked with kids more issues were caused by parents being over involved in friendships, than there ever were between children themselves.

The only possible scenarios are that your dd has concocted a blackmail plot so cunningly disguised as a perfectly reasonable compromise that Moriaty himself would be proud, or that her friend has made an issue out of it to her DM, or that the DM is a little bit bonkers (or she’s got something else going on which is skewing her reactions to things)

Obviously you know whether your DD is capable of such levels of cunning, but my money is on scenario 2 or 3.

I think your plan of backing off sounds perfect. Your DD doesn’t sound particularly distressed by it, so I’d tell her and maybe warn her to be aware that if she sees the friend’s DM to just walk away and not engage in conversation, but other than that, they are way past the age where parents should be getting involved in petty stuff.

I'd ignore her.

I once said to a friend something along the lines of "we'll have to go back/we'll have to do that again". Her mum rang my mum complaining that I was telling her daughter what to do.

People are fucking weird.