To be put off by his literacy issues?

[Saratoga212]

It's becoming increasingly clear that bf (9.yrs older) has literacy issues.

After numerous things I, gently, suggested perhaps he could be dyslexic but not diagnosed due to lack of awareness and diagnosis when he was at school ..... He didn't say much at the time but has since expressed considerable offence at the suggestion
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(I actually thought I was being diplomatic, as opposed to saying "how can your literacy be so poor, coming from a family of teachers?" (The females in the family are/were teachers; I get the impression his late father was not literate)).

I'm also finding it off-putting, especially because he sometimes overcompensates/deflects by acting as though I am slow and obtuse when not grasping what he is saying in his incomprehensible texts.

(He mostly avoids texting).

Would this put you off someone for a relationship?

From his offence at what I said, I don't think he would be remotely open to eg an adult literacy course.

@IamSlave 'We have all failed these students and the least we can do is recognise that and not call them stupid."

As a chef, I would like to apologise sincerely for this.

Collectively as a society we should all be calling for better teaching, sen knowledge and educational standard for all our children whether we have dc or not.
Better Educated societies and those with higher literacy benefit us all. Look at literacy levels in prisoners.
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Op how is his numeracy?

He tried to tell the OP that she is slow and obtuse when she can't understand his gibberish. That's not something I would tolerate. And that's not being shallow

I'm not sure, I haven't had much reason to see it.

This. If he does have issues, he's clearly not interested and would rather blame you

@IamSlave
I totally agree. We know people's life chances reduce if they struggle to read well. More needs to be done to be sure that all children are able to read well BEFORE they leave primary school

Zero point in SATs and National tests if you aren't going to use it to make sure every single child has achieved a suitable literacy level before leaving primary.

And yes for some that might mean using reading pens. But they still need to be able to interpret the words.
Rightly or wrongly I'd include blind children in that.

I don’t think it’s shallow. It would be a total deal breaker for me as language, reading etc are really important to me.

my OH has lower reading and literacy skills than i have but he is brilliant at maths and has made a very lucrative career out of his maths skills up to PHD level in a very niche mathematics subject yes occasionally he will ask me how to spell something and never reads books for pleasure but we balance each other and his dyslexia (undiagnosed and not really thought of much in the 1960s in education ) does not come into our daily lives

"I'm also finding it off-putting, especially because he sometimes overcompensates/deflects by acting as though I am slow and obtuse when not grasping what he is saying in his incomprehensible texts."

That's what would put me off having a relationship with this man, rather than the illiteracy. He doesn't get to make his problem into my problem - and he sure as hell doesn't get to make out I'm the one at fault when I'm not.

"He gets his kids, and now me, to look up anything he needs online. (He doesn't do internet banking etc.)"

So everyone has to be his Personal Assistant, huh? And presumably get the blame if you fail to telepathically know every detail he wants you to look up, or to divine what additional information he needs to know alongside it? Because as you already know from his incomprehensible texts, it will be ALL YOUR FAULT if he doesn't communicate to you the full breadth of what he wants you to find out.

Nope. Too much stress built into this, I wouldn't be starting a relationship with this man.

Literacy issues absolutely wouldn't (and don't) put me off.

The way he's offing the issue onto you totally would put me off.

Why would it put you off? Are you really that shallow?

I'll happily admit to being that shallow. I can't see myself having much in common for one thing.

I think what doesn’t help is a lot of the time you don’t really have to write or compose anything
at work everything is literally a few words in a box and some have pre formatted answers
there really isn’t a great deal of need to write anything phones have predicted text

He's nine years older than her; it doesn't state how long the relationship is.

I would be put off by his blaming you for it and trying to put you down instead of just finding a work around. For instance, he can said a voice note instead of texting, but he would rather berate you for not understanding him.

Poor literacy in and of itself wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me. But if he doesn’t acknowledge it or recognise it, and deflects it onto you - yeah, I’d walk away.

My business partner is cheerfully and openly dyslexic. His communication can be dire but he knows it, he works on it, it in no way gets in the way of our relationship. If if was blaming it on me and secretive, our relationship wouldn’t work. A romantic relationship is exactly the same. Openness and self awareness are vital qualities your partner is lacking.

Got to be honest, I hate voice notes. If a newish partner kept sending me them, it would put me off.

In any case, this guy has a brick for a mobile so probably can’t send voice notes.

Wow, some vile views on here. 👎

Language and reading are very important to me too. However I have a severely dyslexic husband, and possibly 2 of our 3 children are dyslexic too.

Seems unfair that many pp's are jumping on OP for her concern, calling her superior etc. FWIW, OP, I think you could well be right. I work in a university student support role, many, many undiagnosed dyslexic students aged 18 and upward, accessed some degree courses via basic study skills FE courses, totally failed by their schools.
I know several teachers who trained in late 1970's, 1980's, even early 1990's, dyslexia was a 'dirty word', they tell me, throughout their training.

Even now, very little specialist support for pupils with dyslexia if they even get a proper diagnosis. And, yes, I would find your partner's attitude to you very difficult.

Who is being vile?

Is it worse to say that you are put off by a man’s incomprehensible texts than how he clears his throat / wears a bobbly wool jumper on a night out / pronounces the “l” in “folks” / keeps repeating the same stories? You don’t need a “valid” reason to not be interested in someone.

Brought / bought! This gets me too! They are two completely separate words! Along with “could of” instead of “could have”…

I am very literate. Got the badges etc. My partner (30 years together) never sat an exam, worked on a building site straight from school and is undiagnosed but definitely dyslexic. He is very perceptive and intelligent, reads Cormac McCarthy novels and European philosophers (although it takes him ages). His numeracy skills far outweigh mine. He acknowledges his lack of academic learning and isn't ashamed of his inadequate schooling. He makes up for this in millions of ways. He has been a better father to my daughter than her biological father. His love of dogs and all animals is a thing of beauty. His DIY stuff is the envy of my contemporaries and has helped make us a wonderful home.
And lastly, his shopping lists are fantastically funny - he laughs along at his clueless spelling.
Definitely a keeper.
(Did I mention that he did a lot of yoga when he was younger and was SEX ON FIRE. That's tapered, he's 70 now).
I can live with him not having a PhD.

Maybe because poor literacy is a barrier to so much of what makes life enjoyable. Interesting books, museums, galleries etc all need some literacy. Even reading a menu.

This. You sound so snobby? I thought the whole point of texts was that they weren't standard English.