To be put off by his literacy issues?

[Saratoga212]

It's becoming increasingly clear that bf (9.yrs older) has literacy issues.

After numerous things I, gently, suggested perhaps he could be dyslexic but not diagnosed due to lack of awareness and diagnosis when he was at school ..... He didn't say much at the time but has since expressed considerable offence at the suggestion
.
(I actually thought I was being diplomatic, as opposed to saying "how can your literacy be so poor, coming from a family of teachers?" (The females in the family are/were teachers; I get the impression his late father was not literate)).

I'm also finding it off-putting, especially because he sometimes overcompensates/deflects by acting as though I am slow and obtuse when not grasping what he is saying in his incomprehensible texts.

(He mostly avoids texting).

Would this put you off someone for a relationship?

From his offence at what I said, I don't think he would be remotely open to eg an adult literacy course.

9 yrs older - could be to exert superiority over younger partner?

Expressed considerable offence at the suggestion - not open to communicating, listening, considering your opinion and feelings

Acting as though I am slow and obtuse when not grasping what he is saying in his incomprehensible texts …. he rang me with a sort of exasperated attitude, speaking very loudly and slowly and with a lot of an emphasis, saying what he was apparently saying in the texts - acting superior, belittling you and your intelligence

His elder sister is a teacher, there is quite a large age gap between them, I don't know what their relationship was like growing up, but they are estranged now - can't keep up a relationship with those closest to him

When I asked about him learning to use a PC/tablet/smart phone, he said that local men he talks to only really use the internet for online dating (they boast about!their conquests) and for porn use - That's an excuse. A convenient way to bat away advice to use the thing he's terrified of - computers, tech, reading.

I used to train employability way back, and some of the 50+ men were utterly lost. Dyslexia/literacy was often an issue, but also they were of a generation where they did woodwork and metalwork while the girls did typing and cooking at school. So when computers first came in, they found themselves doubly at the bottom of the pile.

At the root of all this is fear, and shame. Plus lack of emotional intelligence or the confidence to self develop. It's armour.

I'm imagining a little boy with siblings he didn't really know, feeling lost at school with no help, I'm wondering about his father, and probably that belittling attitude was something he learned from them all.

There must surely be some redeeming features?

Can he change? Does he want to / intend to

Do you want to put up with this any longer?

Here's what I'd do if I were you. Think through everything you want to say. Begin by telling him you love him and want to keep your relationship (if you do …), and you need to speak about something important and be listened to calmly and quietly, for him to hear you out. This is what you need for the relationship to continue.

I imagine you've researched literacy courses and tutoring options?

If he can't or won't respect that and allow himself to be more open, I'd be considering whether I'd want to be around that any more.

Just move on. You gave it six months. It's perfectly okay to have dealbreakers. Find someone who you're compatible with.

His refusal to address the problem would be the issue for me. He can’t possibly be unaware of it since you say you don’t understand his texts and have said so.

I imagine you've researched literacy courses and tutoring options?

Why is that OP's responsibility? She's not this man's mother. At least it should be a joint project.

@betterangels 'Why is that OP's responsibility? She's not this man's mother. At least it should be a joint project.'

As something concrete to talk about, to put in front of him as a requirement to test his committment to doing what's necessary for her to continue in the relationship.

I imagine you've researched literacy courses and tutoring options?

No.

I admit I don't know much on the subject and of course I could learn; but I work full-time while he doesn't work outside the home, and I've already spent time setting up smoking cessation for him, because he said he wanted to stop smoking but wasn't doing anything about it. How much am I supposed to arrange things for him?

Incidentally he hasn't stopped smoking .... and I wonder at the effectiveness of me setting up literacy help for him either.
He probably needs to be motivated/dedicated, open etc himself.

Anyway.. he was clearly v offended at my tentative suggestion that perhaps he might have undiagnosed dyslexia..... I can imagine his response to any other attempts to raise the subject and suggest he needs help.

@Saratoga212 😬 Throw this one back. His critical thinking skills are shite too.

"Rather than speaking to me like I'm hard of hearing and slow; because I can't make out what his misspelled, incomprehensible texts mean."
This bit is totally unacceptable to me. And all the online nonsense. I couldn't be with him.

Can’t imagine how good this man must be in the sack for you to not just have binned him. He sounds fucking dreadful (and I don’t think it has anything to do with his literacy issues). Doesn’t work, is defensive, lacks motivation, dependent on others, older, disorganised. Throw him back.

It would be the lack of self-awareness, defensiveness and disingenuousness about your understanding his texts that would put me off, rather than the poor literacy skills.

You’ll never change a man in his 50s. Find another.

I'd be out of there.

The not working and living of benefits would be the deal breaker for me. I don't even know how he gets benefits if he has property he's letting out.

I will say took me years and a proper assessment to really accept my dyslexia. The assessment not only pointed out where my weaknesses were but my strengths too. My biggest regret is not knowing where my true strengths were when i was picking options in school.

I agree, he doesn't sound to have much going for him. I'd be throwing him back.

I don’t think the poor literacy that would bother me, it would be the fact that he doesn’t recognise it or want to try to do anything about it? It can be pretty debilitating.

My dad can barely read and write, he’s in his mid 60s and admits that he never really bothered at school and he’s always had manual jobs where he can pretty much manage without. I remember going places with him as a child though without my mum and needing to help him fill forms, etc in, which was never an issue as such just probably a bit embarrassing for him. Now he struggles when my 3 year old will take a book to him and ask him
to read it to him and he can’t, he has to deflect and tell him that his nana will read it to him instead.

Saying that my dad has somehow managed to learn to use a phone and will have a go at doing an internet search (although it’s mainly for gardening things). I’m pretty sure the occasional text messages I get from him are dictated to either my mum or one of his work friends to type out for him though.

Honestly the more you post the more I wonder what you see in him. So he’s unemployed, on benefits, Illiterate, talks to you like you’re thick .

why are you with him?

Two of my dc have limited reading skills and terrible spelling. Both also have asd! However both are extremely intelligent and knowledgeable people! To suggest that someone who struggles with literacy is unintelligent makes you sound stupid and uninformed tbh! I have a degree but im horrendous at maths, i know the basics but am useless at anything above the basics ( adding, subtracting etc), does that mean i am also unintelligent?

If its purely spelling then that's a side issue. If you can have intelligent conversations, good sense of humour and he is verbally articulate, self aware and can think critically then he's got a written communication issue. If he has none of the above he could be not very bright. The fact he's deflecting is a problem that will get worse. You can't change people.

Well you’re not covering yourself in glory as she didn’t say he was unintelligent.

I had to google ‘Wuu2?’ - we’re never too old to learn something new. If someone texted me that I would think they accidentally sat on their unlocked phone. Well done for blocking.

Stop trying to "fix him" he's in his 50s and this is HIM....take it or leave it.

For me tgats a bit like saying if you live opera you could only date someone who loves it too and never someone who is deaf. I’m pretty sure I said this wasn’t the partner for her.

I feel very sad at some people's opinions on here.
My husband can't spell at all, after nearly a decade together he still can't write my name. Does that bother me? Not at all. Infact if he writes me a card or note it means even more to me as I know it's took him about 15 minutes just to try and write a simple birthday card.

He could be defensive after years of people commenting about his literacy. As soon as anyone comments my husband clams up and gets very defensive, unfortunately when he was growing up his dyslexia was treated more of a stupidity. Kids (and adults could be very cruel).

I mean, if she findsh is messages incomprehensible it's a good enough reason imo. I don't care about typing errors or spelling mistakes but I would have to draw the line and finding any form of written communication unintelligible.

How do any of the illiterate men/husbands mentioned in this threads have jobs? I am honestly baffled. I want to add I used to run my own farm, and even the jobs some may expect to involve just manual labour, actually often involve some degree of literacy and mathematics. I don't even know how they would go about applying for the job? I'm so surprised in this day and age it's even possible to function.