To think my DM expects a ridiculous amount?

[Alwaysgothiccups]

My DM has MS and can only walk a few steps.. she has an electric wheelchair.
My dad was her carer and they were living abroad but he died just over a year ago. She tried to live alone in her house there (after a stint living with me in my house which was completely unsuitable as is a terraced house) but failed and ended up in hospital for 5 weeks. She wasn't eating or washing etc..
I have 3 primary aged children, the youngest is 2mnths old. I am on maternity leave currently from my job which is permanent 12 hour night shifts in a hospital Friday,Saturdays and some Sundays. I do not drive. My DH is a nurse and also works long shifts but only days. He does drive. He is working ATM as he only got 2 weeks paternity.

My DM has returned to England and now lives 15 min drive (40 min walk) away from us.
She is basically saying she doesn't need carers.
Yet I have been going round every other weekday and weekends to cook, clean and make phone calls do admin for her etc.. She also needs support going outside anywhere.. can't open doors,can't get her wheelchair back up the curb if she falls off which she often does..
I have also had to give her 900 quid despite her having an income the same as my husbands (she's terrible with money) that 900 quid was all of my savings for a specific thing my child needs.
I'm just quite angry but she acts like this is all what anyone would do for a parent and also like it's not really that much but I'm exhausted and barely see my DH.
I'm trying to get her to accept a care act assessment but she won't and just says she doesn't need care abd doesn't want strangers interfering.
I can't just leave her as she would stop eating and washing again... she almost died when she went and tried to live alone.
It's putting a strain on my marriage now. My DH is a very kind man but he's sick and tired of being at her back and call.
I've always had a difficult relationship with her. I left home in my teens and they moved abroad in my early 20s.
But I do love her and what her to be in a safe situation.
AIBU to think she is actually expecting far too much from me and it isn't normal?

I don't think you can now because I have tried? And the problem with the housing list is that she owns property so when I rang the council they couldn't tell me whether she'd even be considered a priority... they said she's free to bid on them herself.
Anyway my DH and I have decided to go round there next week and sit with her and go through getting her to ring up about the care act assessment. Hopefully we can convince her to do this.
I'll also talk to her about applying for sheltered Council properties.
The thing is she also has quite a high income..
But they said sues entitled to apply..
So I'll discuss it with her.
There don't seem to be private ones round here apart from ones for sale which are incredibly expensive. I know for a fact she couldn't afford any near us.
Another issue is that she refuses yo consider living in any other town.
The town I live in is one of the most expensive places to live in this part of the UK.. we were very lucky to buy when we did... I know she won't be able to afford anywhere here even if her house sells.
The sheltered flats near us are around 400k for a one bed flat.

I know it's difficult as ss may say on the phone you can't do this for her but you can do the referral on line yourself and explain you are concerned. Then you take a step back.. so cognitive impairment starts low key and bad choices are also a sign of dementia. As is denial.

But if all is good and she isn't poorly with dementia or anything, then tough love is difficult as is self care in these situations.

If you take a step back and let it be. Then eventually she will need to seek help.
Just reiterate the numbers are on the side mum you need to ring.

It's easy for us to say and harder if your in it.

That's interesting to hear.. I'll ring them again. Maybe I was asking the wrong questions?

I am a mum and a Gm. I work in the caring field. I often feel sad at how people neglect their parents when they get old or ill. This is not the case here. You have done everything you can to help. Now is the time to stop. You have 3 young children. Tell social services and anyone else who can help. Tell your Mum that you can't continue to help at this level. If your mum won't wash or eat sorry but that really is her choice. It's horrible that she uses these things to control and manipulate you. You sound lovely and I hope you put yr family first.

The advice the council actually gave me was for her to declare herself homeless.. and that she would be temporarily housed in the city then they'd find her sheltered housing nearer me.
They said she could declare herself homeless on the basis that she can't find property to rent that meets her needs in this area, as a disabled person.
She won't agree to this because she'd be housed in the city for a while.
This was the route the council person i spoke to said, that would guarantee her suitable wardened housing in my area

Oh sorry, yes it may be different if you own a property. The ones I've supported didn't own properties.

You can rent sheltered living places though if buying is too expensive. But of course its not straightforward to sell and rent.

I do feel for you.

Sorry dear, but it is a game and you should not play it.
I am sure that it's unconsciously played on her side, but you need to leave her alone.

Hilarious. Really.

Then you take a step back.. so cognitive impairment starts low key and bad choices are also a sign of dementia. As is denial.

Absolutely. My parents did a fine job of convincing many people they were well and functioning. Bit by bit things got worse. How you can deny stage 4 cancer is beyond me.

I'm sure that you can contacted social services or filled in a form but it wouldn't have gone any further if a person is compos mentis and told social services that they didn't want any help. I'm pretty sure that you shouldn't be putting the names of people on council house lists either without their consent. When you put someone on a council house list, did you let them know that you were doing it on someone else's behalf and that they didn't agree to it. Do you contact people's doctors without their permission too?

If she gets PIP for care needs she can't get attendance allowance also.

Yes. Some people seem to not understand that sick or disabled people have the same rights with regard to decision making and confidentiality as healthy people.

Honestly some of the advice on this thread is just plain wrong.

You cannot put someone on a list without their permission. When someone calls them to say xxx is now available they will decline it.

You cannot fill in forms on their behalf as again they will just refuse to comply. What are you going to do if they refuse?

If they are deemed to have capacity they can make their own bad/good decisions. I cannot imagine my son for example filling in a form for me to move house without my permission. Its the same thing here...

you need to ring social services, they will arrange care, work out what she can afford, but they will a.so arrange things like an emergency call button so she can call for help (not you!) ring age concern they are very good at knowing what benefits reductions she can get. (My husband is disabled following a couple of strokes and we get reduction in council tax) you need to walk away. “Detach with Love” is an often used expression. Tell her you love her and will visit but that you cannot provide the care she needs. Then you have to walk away and stick t9 your boundaries or you will make yourself ill. It’s not being selfish it’s looking after yourself.

You see I feel like I'd be more accepting of it if she were elderly... like she just wants to live how she wants in her final days and not be anxious
However she just turned 67... and could potentially have 20+ years ahead of her.. yet she's making decisions and denying help so that it is harming her health and could shorten her life or have her living without any quality of life for the last couple of decades..
That's what's so sad to see tbh
But yeah I just need to let go because what can I really do beyond what I've already done?

POA is irrelevant unless she lacks capacity so don’t worry about that.

She is manipulating you. She is choosing not to answer/use the phone. She is choosing to feign incompetence at everything so that you will step in. I’m willing to bet the whole “nearly died” thing is an exaggeration too. She is abusive.

You have a choice here, OP. You can prioritise yourself and your family and step away. Stop enabling her manipulative behaviour: She will not die. She will find a way to cope.

Or you can continue being at her back and call, giving her time and energy that she doesn’t deserve and you can’t afford to give. She will bleed you dry and you will get no thanks. She will take all she can get from you and give you nothing back. And in the meantime you and your family will suffer, perhaps irreparably.

POA is not irrelevant. Things can take a turn for the worse very quickly. Medics won't speak to you. You can't release funds.

Yeah everyone has told me that ideally you'd have POA in place before your relative lacks capacity.. as these things can happen suddenly and so they need to have named someone beforehand.
She won't agree to it however so that's that.

As you have said "so that's that" - so leave it.
Don't give it another thought.
She won't help you get lasting POA for when she really will need it, so don't give that another moments thought. She doesn't want it. When the shit hits the fan, you can, and should hold your head up high and say to anyone and everyone who throws their oar in that you tried to get things sorted before it was necessary to do so and your mother wasn't helping.
I'd actually tell her that as a way to drop that particular rope. Say to her "Mum, when the time comes, and doctors are looking to me to advise them on how to care for you, because you're not getting your affairs in order now, I won't be able to step in. Just so you're clear. I will not be involved in your medical care when you need me to, so I'm not going to progress with this anymore." then drop the topic off your list of things you discuss with her.
If she starts talking about it, divert the conversation to a different topic. Remind her that you are not going to deal with it anymore. A few weeks of not rushing to her aid when she snaps her fingers will have her singing a very different tune I'd imagine

I’d leave her alone and if things get as bad as they did last time you can contact SS at that point as an adult protection issue and they need to step in and take responsibility if she’s at risk of harm and not taking steps to safeguard herself

If she won’t agree to POA, there isn’t much you can do. V. important you get that. V. important you set boundaries.

My elderly mum in law has an alarm pendant she wears around her neck, and if she presses the button, it alerts us. We have a housekeeper come in who does her shopping and because we have POA, we have daily visits by carers that comes out of her income, she has a befriending service from Age Concern, and we pay her bills out of her pension/assets. She is picked up to go to chapel and to one of her clubs by one of her friends. We also do her gardening and house repairs and have for about 30 years.

However, we also have some boundaries. We don’t go over more than once or twice a week. As her short term memory is gone, if she calls more than twice about the same thing, we tell her get your calendar and write down please what we are telling you. We also have one of those speaking calendars that rings in the morning and tells her what is happening that day…so that DH is coming over after work, or that she has a doctor’s appointment and the carer is taking her there, or take your medication this morning, or that her club meets that day, etc.

With the POA we have the flexibility to get a variety of people to help us, to pay for it with her income, and we also arranged so we can discuss her medical needs with her GP, with her consent of course. It it tiring sometimes to arrange all of this? Yes. Does it interfere with us taking holidays? Yes. However, we can help her effectively without us running ourselves absolutely ragged. If your mum won’t give you the legal tools to help her, she’ll have to face the consequences. Don’t let her guilt you out of living your life and don’t let her care strain your marriage and relationship with your kids. Good luck, and I second, third and fourth the suggestions to check out the Elderly Parents forum.

A POA wouldn't help the current situation though as OPs mother has mental capacity.

I don't understand how you even have time to work, look after your children, and your mother.

Your youngest is just a baby.