To think my DM expects a ridiculous amount?

[Alwaysgothiccups]

My DM has MS and can only walk a few steps.. she has an electric wheelchair.
My dad was her carer and they were living abroad but he died just over a year ago. She tried to live alone in her house there (after a stint living with me in my house which was completely unsuitable as is a terraced house) but failed and ended up in hospital for 5 weeks. She wasn't eating or washing etc..
I have 3 primary aged children, the youngest is 2mnths old. I am on maternity leave currently from my job which is permanent 12 hour night shifts in a hospital Friday,Saturdays and some Sundays. I do not drive. My DH is a nurse and also works long shifts but only days. He does drive. He is working ATM as he only got 2 weeks paternity.

My DM has returned to England and now lives 15 min drive (40 min walk) away from us.
She is basically saying she doesn't need carers.
Yet I have been going round every other weekday and weekends to cook, clean and make phone calls do admin for her etc.. She also needs support going outside anywhere.. can't open doors,can't get her wheelchair back up the curb if she falls off which she often does..
I have also had to give her 900 quid despite her having an income the same as my husbands (she's terrible with money) that 900 quid was all of my savings for a specific thing my child needs.
I'm just quite angry but she acts like this is all what anyone would do for a parent and also like it's not really that much but I'm exhausted and barely see my DH.
I'm trying to get her to accept a care act assessment but she won't and just says she doesn't need care abd doesn't want strangers interfering.
I can't just leave her as she would stop eating and washing again... she almost died when she went and tried to live alone.
It's putting a strain on my marriage now. My DH is a very kind man but he's sick and tired of being at her back and call.
I've always had a difficult relationship with her. I left home in my teens and they moved abroad in my early 20s.
But I do love her and what her to be in a safe situation.
AIBU to think she is actually expecting far too much from me and it isn't normal?

OP you need to step back from this and remember she is an adult. An adult who chose to move away from you and now only wants this level of help from you because your father is no longer here to do it for you.

You also say she’s not had a good relationship with you and isn’t interested in being a mum or grandma. You don’t owe her this level of care or worry.

She's eligible for help, find a carer to pop in once or twice a day. Batch cook for her. But draw a hard line and stick to it. Your priority at the moment must be your young children, your wellbeing and your little family. That doesn’t mean you’re abandoning her. But it will only get worse for you as she ages and declines unless you put the boundaries in place now and get your mum used to the fact that you will help facilitate care, but you are not her carer.

Ring the Social Care department at the Council and raise a safeguarding issue, they will then have no choice but to visit your mom and make an assessment. If she has savings of less than £23,500 then she will be entitled to some help with some care costs (depending on her monthly income).

Read the thread. The mother won't agree to an assessment.

If it gets to the point she is putting her life at risk SS will attempt everything to persuade her

What do you mean "if it gets to the point she is putting her life at risk"?

So social work won’t get involved if she appears safe, well and making her own decisions even if that’s unhealthy but if you phone and state an adult protection issue for example she’s unable to get food for herself, she’s unable to change for weeks now, fire risk etc the social work have to get involved under legislation, it’s ASP in Scotland not sure elsewhere

How are they going to know whether she can do things if they haven't made an assessment? Even if they contact her she has to agree to one. She is mentally competent and has the right to live how she wants.

I have read all of your posts OP. People have told you what you need to do but you won't do it. You feel bad you feel guilty. So it's all about you and how you will feel if anything bad happens. You are an enabler, anytime you get any good advice there a but. But if I do this she will fall die not eat on and on. You won't change you haven't got the guts. I hope when your husband has had enough and your poor kids are impacted you will realise that you can't change your mothers behavior but you can change yours.

Just say no!

OP you are so far into the FOG (fear obligation and guilt) that you cannot see your mother is behaving in an abusive way towards you.

Please get yourself some 121 therapy to unpick your relationship and then you may be able to see this too.

Your mother is abusing your good nature and your family is suffering. How long do you think your husband will put up with the current situation?
Your poor children who have no choice in always being second to their granny.

You say she has mental capacity, so lay down some boundaries ie rules on what you will and will not do. With your husband there. And stick to them.

This woman was not interested in your pregnancy and you expects you to now do everything thing for her? This is not normal. This is abusive.

just now but if op leaves her on her own and things decline whereby her life is at risk sw need to get involved, on of the outcomes may be an assessment or looking at sw guardianship

I'm not sure what an sw guardianship is but if she is considered of sound mind and has not been hospitalised i doubt that anyone is going to get involved,
.

yes Right now but if 3 weeks down the line she has not eaten, dressed, washed or tidied then it’s a different situation and they would get involved

I can hear you're trying OP but a lifetime of guilt is tricky to get over.

My MIL was making unsafe choices and it was infuriating me. I spoke to a friend who advised that she was an adult and entitled to make those decisions even if we knew they were bad for her (think of plenty of adults who get blind drunk, drink and drive, take drugs, have risky sex). We can support them within our boundaries but they are also free to make bad choices. And if they die from those bad choices then we shouldn't feel guilty.

How would they know if she is washing or dressing or eating properly if she doesn't have an assessment and hasn't been hospitalised?

It's not your job OP. Get her a carer

Ring SS is if she is vulnerable and may lack capacity. If she has capacity she can make her own decisions - as can you. And you'll find that if you withdraw, as you have done, she either copes or gets help. well done.

The daughter would phone and tell them, I work in adult services, if someone has any infirmities, cannot safeguard themselves and is at risk of harm sw has a duty to intervene, at this point they wouldn’t but if the daughter sees signs that she’s putting herself at risk of harm/death then they would, they would link in with gp, fire brigade and housing

Social services have already told OP her mother would have to refer herself. While the mother is physically disabled she is mentally capable and therefore has the same rights to decide on treatment/care as you. Do you think social services would be breaking down your door and forcing carers on you because someone had phoned them and said you weren't washing yourself or eating properly,?

I know what social services do, I work for them, I don’t understand what you aren’t getting? There’s legislation in place to protect people from harm, op said the last time she ended up in hospital as she nearly died, if it gets to that point yes sw will attempt everything to intervene, mh is a reason for intervention not just lacking capacity

You know you can't go on like this. You are enabling her OP. I'd tell her you will go over to see her once a week and a couple of hours over the weekend. You will cook her a hot meal when you go and plate her a meal up for the following day to reheat in the microwave. She can buy some ready meals to pop in the microwave for other days. When my Auntie got too unwell to cook my sister found a pub that delivered hot meals. The lady who delivered them even took them in and put them on a plate for her. Tell her she's paying for a cleaner 2 hours twice a week out of her PIP. That's what it's for. Contact SS and ask for a care assessment for her. They will go out and speak to her.

I've just remembered my Auntie had this emergency buzzer thing to wear around her neck. If she fell or needed assistance she just had to press the button and someone would go to aid her. It was quite expensive but worthwhile for peace of mind. My Aunt had enough money to pay for it.

But you have to name someone to come to your aid. It isn't some random person

If the OP's mother got a Careline pendant, and activated it, the Careline staff would contact whoever she'd named.

That would undoubtedly be the OP, so she'd be no better off. In fact it could be worse, if the mother pressed the buzzer several times a day.

A carer came when my Aunt pressed her button. She'd slipped over and broke her leg and couldn't get up. The carer came and got her an ambulance.

It would have been someone named by your aunt.