To think my DM expects a ridiculous amount?

[Alwaysgothiccups]

My DM has MS and can only walk a few steps.. she has an electric wheelchair.
My dad was her carer and they were living abroad but he died just over a year ago. She tried to live alone in her house there (after a stint living with me in my house which was completely unsuitable as is a terraced house) but failed and ended up in hospital for 5 weeks. She wasn't eating or washing etc..
I have 3 primary aged children, the youngest is 2mnths old. I am on maternity leave currently from my job which is permanent 12 hour night shifts in a hospital Friday,Saturdays and some Sundays. I do not drive. My DH is a nurse and also works long shifts but only days. He does drive. He is working ATM as he only got 2 weeks paternity.

My DM has returned to England and now lives 15 min drive (40 min walk) away from us.
She is basically saying she doesn't need carers.
Yet I have been going round every other weekday and weekends to cook, clean and make phone calls do admin for her etc.. She also needs support going outside anywhere.. can't open doors,can't get her wheelchair back up the curb if she falls off which she often does..
I have also had to give her 900 quid despite her having an income the same as my husbands (she's terrible with money) that 900 quid was all of my savings for a specific thing my child needs.
I'm just quite angry but she acts like this is all what anyone would do for a parent and also like it's not really that much but I'm exhausted and barely see my DH.
I'm trying to get her to accept a care act assessment but she won't and just says she doesn't need care abd doesn't want strangers interfering.
I can't just leave her as she would stop eating and washing again... she almost died when she went and tried to live alone.
It's putting a strain on my marriage now. My DH is a very kind man but he's sick and tired of being at her back and call.
I've always had a difficult relationship with her. I left home in my teens and they moved abroad in my early 20s.
But I do love her and what her to be in a safe situation.
AIBU to think she is actually expecting far too much from me and it isn't normal?

I think your comments are pretty horrible. It doesn't sound to me like she is trying to train OP to be her slave.

Have you read all of OP’s posts? If you have, we’ll just have to agree to disagree I’m afraid.

I wish people would stop wading in talking about neglecting a baby or choosing mother over baby. The poor OP is doing her level best.

I agree a registered counsellor could assist unpicking this and finding a way forward.
Mother has made choices it seems and must accept the responsibility that comes with them.

I may have missed something but has anyone pointed out that you can either have PIP or , for people over pension age, Attendance Allowance . You can't receive both and PIP is a higher rate as it has a mobility element. Attendance allowance does not.

I am a bit puzzled why she is applying for the Attendance Allowance if she already has PIP

It's likely that her MS is affecting her thought processes, as it sounds as though she completely lacks insight in to her own care needs, and the pressure this is putting on you. It's hard for you to look at her situation objectively because of your relationship and the affection you have for her, but try to think what your advice would be if she were a patient of yours. Obviously a social services assessment is needed, asap as much for your benefit as hers (you simply can't carry on like this), and it should include an assessment of her mental capacity.

Nobody can make an adult do anything they don't want to. Not Social Services, not a doctor, not a neighbour.

The person is " deemed to have capacity" You can't take phone calls for them, you can't talk on their behalf. If they dig their stubborn heels in, you are powerless.

I’m sorry but you only need to end up Ill yourself before she has no one to help her and she ends up back in hospital you need to put your foot down either she gets at home care or she goes into a nursing home because you can’t continue like this.

This is one of the most selfish things I’ve read, especially the fact she moved away in your early 20s and now expects care from you, you need to say no and if she falls out with you so be it

Contact social services. Tell them her needs and that you will not be doing it any more.

My Mum had to do this with my gran. She has dementia and was needed more more help. Although my mum and her siblings were willing to do these things it was becoming very hard and they needed help. So they were told to say they could no longer help every day.

You have a 2 month old. You should be enjoying your maternity right now not looking after a giant child.

If she has to fail spectacularly before she sees sense, then the sooner she fails, the better. Your responsibilities are yourself, your children, your DH in that order. Your mother can only have what's left after that. I'm sorry to be brutal here, but your family will suffer if you become overwhelmed. It is so much easier to find support for a disabled lady than for an overwhelmed working mother. Please contact social services.

It isn't on. She needs to accept the care. I would ring social care direct and have this out with them. I would try get court order over her care and have her ruled unable to look after herself and her care needs. We had this with my grandma as I was her carer but she got too much needing care through the night and with an autistic then 7yr old it was getting impossible to sit and watch her eat so she wouldn't hide it, do all her cleaning etc and she wasn't able to go to the toilet anymore etc alone. She refused carers so had to have her assessed on her ability to make decisions for her care. My mam became responsible and got carers in and she had no choice. I mean going and helping once or twice a week is more doable with your other responsibilities. I would definitely ring and see if they can help at all.

OP's mother hasn't got dementia though. Social services will only communicate with the mother and if she doesn't think she needs help, that is her choice. OP can choose not to help her but she doesn't have the right to speak to social services, her doctors doctors or nurses or anyone else without her mother's permission.

You can't force an adult who is of sound mind to accept care. It's not the same as getting help for someone with dementia.

Just to clarify. I have contacted social services and the advice was that she needs to apply for a care act assessment but that that is something she needs to consent to and be present for.
Unfortunately adults are allowed to make extremely bad choices and place themselves in a fair bit of danger until anyone will step in against their wishes.
It isn't at that point
She clearly has capacity as she understands basic things like the date and her address etc.. her cognition may be impaired but I know she still has capacity. I don't have POA amd she won't give it or discuss it...
So yeah.. for all the people saying ring SS that is the outcome of that.

Absolutely correct. As I said if the person is deemed to have capacity ( all of a sudden we switch to Dickensian English) there is absolutely nothing anybody can do.

Also, not everybody lives on the doorstep of family members. You cannot talk about somebody to somebody else.

You sound frazzled, and understandably so.

I think you know the answers, but perhaps you’re not ready. Things will carry on as they are, until you’re ready to be more practical and less guilt focused. Yes, I know it is easier said than done, but if you put your energy where it is going now, nothing will change.

you will be going back to work, so your mum has to agree either via you, or a GP/ social worker, that she will need a carer, and cleaner and maybe a service to deliver meals to her. That’s it.

You poor woman no wonder your exhausted with all this going on. Phone social services get her a care package and alert system,if she refuses tell her you will visit once a week as you have a marriage ,kids and your own home to mentain. She is being totally unreasonable,also set.payment plan for her to return her grandchildren money back. Am a disabled lady in my own and have an alert system and all medical aids I need and don't relieve on anyone. Good luck

Call social services and let them do their job.

Pop her on the council list for sheltered living and the adult social services will back the application.

Tough love time and say no and concentrate on your children.

The more you do the more she will be in denial.

Explain I love you and am exhausted and have done the referrals for you.

Do explain on the referral to adult ss that she will say she's OK and she isn't and explain that you cannot help because she will get less free help if you are helping and showing able.

It's all done on line and the referral takes less than ten minutes.

Done a few in my time. The assessment is done in six weeks.

If she's bad with money make sure her benefit rent help is paid direct to landlord.

Let the officials take over. Give yourself a break.

As people including OP keep explaining, you can't refer adults of sound mind to social services without their permission. You can't 'pop them on the council list " either. All OP can control is herself.

Am I the only one that finds it annoying when people bugger off abroad to live in the sun for years, not giving a hoot about their family back home, not contributing to society back in the UK. THEN, they become old/disabled and come scurrying back for all the freebie healthcare and to put on their family for support. Shouldnt be allowed, cheeky sods.

Drop the rope! Chain.... whatever you want to call it, you are on the end of it. Ring Social services for advice......ring help the aged or age concern. You don't have to do anything but you do have to be brave enough to let her face her own consequences, even if she thinks badly of you.

Tbf she had MS before she left and was still in receipt of free healthcare in France when she got there due to being in the EU at the time.. so she was probably less of a drain on british resources by doing that.

No she definitely is still entitled to it because she never took French citizenship and she is disabled not just elderly

Yes you absolutely can do both. As I stated .. I've done several.