To think my DM expects a ridiculous amount?

[Alwaysgothiccups]

My DM has MS and can only walk a few steps.. she has an electric wheelchair.
My dad was her carer and they were living abroad but he died just over a year ago. She tried to live alone in her house there (after a stint living with me in my house which was completely unsuitable as is a terraced house) but failed and ended up in hospital for 5 weeks. She wasn't eating or washing etc..
I have 3 primary aged children, the youngest is 2mnths old. I am on maternity leave currently from my job which is permanent 12 hour night shifts in a hospital Friday,Saturdays and some Sundays. I do not drive. My DH is a nurse and also works long shifts but only days. He does drive. He is working ATM as he only got 2 weeks paternity.

My DM has returned to England and now lives 15 min drive (40 min walk) away from us.
She is basically saying she doesn't need carers.
Yet I have been going round every other weekday and weekends to cook, clean and make phone calls do admin for her etc.. She also needs support going outside anywhere.. can't open doors,can't get her wheelchair back up the curb if she falls off which she often does..
I have also had to give her 900 quid despite her having an income the same as my husbands (she's terrible with money) that 900 quid was all of my savings for a specific thing my child needs.
I'm just quite angry but she acts like this is all what anyone would do for a parent and also like it's not really that much but I'm exhausted and barely see my DH.
I'm trying to get her to accept a care act assessment but she won't and just says she doesn't need care abd doesn't want strangers interfering.
I can't just leave her as she would stop eating and washing again... she almost died when she went and tried to live alone.
It's putting a strain on my marriage now. My DH is a very kind man but he's sick and tired of being at her back and call.
I've always had a difficult relationship with her. I left home in my teens and they moved abroad in my early 20s.
But I do love her and what her to be in a safe situation.
AIBU to think she is actually expecting far too much from me and it isn't normal?

Fair enough but it doesn't really help those with MS to suggest that a large proportion have cognition issues or personality problems. There is enough stigma and discrimination, particularly in the workplace as it is.

If you want to message me, I can tell you the way I flogged myself re elderly parents. It didn't end well.

I don't think that anybody is suggesting that it happens to a large proportion of people with MS but I don't think its helpful to not discuss it and neither does the MS Society. Hopefully if its made clearer that such behaviour is a part of the disability and not a behaviour choice will lead to more understanding and not less.

I can see how this happened. Luckily I had ann intervention and managed to save myself before I ran myself into the ground.
What I did not know 10 years ago is how long it would go on for.

We are used to seeing films where someone gets ill and then are dead in the next scene. This is not reality for most and it can go on for many many many years.

But her assuming doesn’t mean you have to.

Mother directly asking doesn’t mean you have to

No is a complete sentence.

I would assume if she made plans then it would be nice if you could take her but she could get there on her own if you can’t

Have you ever said No to her.

I still go back to why you feel people are judging you for not helping your quite capable mother and yet are not judging you for not looking after your own children who do need you.

This really isn’t a problem with your mother. It is a problem with yourself.
Counselling to work out why you feel guilty about neglecting your mother and spend your time on helping her, yet the amount of guilt on neglecting your own children (one of which is a 2 month old baby) isn’t as great

Just an observation

You have said you wouldn’t be able to forgive yourself if anything happened to your mother and you hadn’t done everything for her

Where does that leave your children?

You have made a choice between where your priorities lie. Your mother means more to you than your children

I think the issue is you can only have one priority in your life and are trying to pretend that your children are on a level with your mother when they really aren’t
Your anxiety and depression comes from trying to keep this false facade going.

Own your choices if your mother is that much of a priority then you need to step away from your children. They will see soon enough who you prefer.

This is about the choices you make, not your mother taking up your time

I think that by saying her behaviour " is part of her disability" is actually suggesting that it happens to a large proportion of people with MS. It could be interpreted to mean everybody with ms has cognitive issues or personality problems which is not the case at all.

I specifically said HER disability and not THE disability or "a part of MS" I would be happy for you to suggest how I could have phrased it better but its topo late to edit.

You actually said it is part of "the disability". I misquoted when I said "her disability" although I don't see that it makes much difference.

I absolutely should have said HER disability and for that I apologise. To me "her disability" indicates that its not the same for everyone, whereas THE disability indicates that everybody gets it. Obce again if you can think of a better way of expressing it, I'd be garteful for your input.

That might be true if you actually knew her and had good reason to think that her behaviour was specifically due to MS related pathology. You don't know her though. By saying that her behaviour "is" due to her disability when you don't even know her and not even "might possibly" you are implying that at it is very common with MS whereas it isn't.

The problem is she really might die.. and I couldn't live with the guilt

Why is she more important than the welfare of your children? Do you feel no guilt about prioritising her over a young baby you chose to have?

Erm, that was my point!

Sorry. I meant to quote godmum56

I think some people have read my previous posts and some haven't. But I posted on here when I first found out I was pregnant because it was unplanned. I was stressed about dealing with my mum as well as a baby.. I was considering terminating the pregnancy. But people on here gave my head a wobble and I did put on my big girl pants and tell my mum she needed to leave my house and rent somewhere (she was living with me at the time which was horrific)
Instead of doing anything sensible she instead stopped off back to France to live in the house she couldn't cope with... I then had no contact with her throughout the rest of my pregnancy and around the birth...
However just after the birth her neighbours got hold of me and informed me she had almost died and was in hospital.. she remained there for 6 weeks but they would not let her go home to the house in France.. she said she was coming here.. the neighbours were harassing us about it as they were at their limit trying to help her..
We helped her to set up a flat here to come back to. I told her she couldn't ever come back to my house and I've stuck by that.. I am not neglecting my baby.. altho I know I risk that if I continue the level of support.. but I do not want to continue it I'm trying to wind it down.. I need to get things in place for her tho where I can say 'well I did my best and now it's down to her what she does with that"
She's only been here just over a month

@Alwaysgothiccups you’ve already done your best, you’ve gone way way above and beyond what is reasonable, especially considering your circumstances (i.e. having a brand new baby). It’s ok to step back now, for the good of your own health and relationships.

How are you going to ‘get things in place for her’ when she is outright refusing everything you’ve tried to put in place so far?

Honestly, it really doesn’t sound like there’s anything else you can do.

When you feel in the right place to start some counselling/therapy, have a look at the BACP site for registered counsellors https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists (sorry if someone’s posted this already).

That poster asked about your baby and you wrote a long response about your mother.

your mother has been here a month. That’s half your baby’s life.

There have been plenty of pp raising the impact this will have on your children but specifically on your newborn. It doesn’t seem to be sinking in. The only people that can change that are you and your husband. anyway, I wish you and your family the best.

I am sure it hasn't been your intention OP but although your thread title says "my DM expects a ridiculous amount", it's almost as if the subtext of your subsequent posts disagree with yourself.

I was very stressed when I wrote the original post and have calmed down a bit since..
It's good to get the emotional support because I struggle with guilt whenever I try and enforce a boundary.
But I feel I'm actually doing alright now... it's just about not getting stressed about it.
I've now seen she can clearly get to town and back alone so that's something I am no longer going to be assisting with.
I just let her get on with it when I saw her out.. I felt the guilt but I didn't give in to helping her.
Similarly today I was supposed to go help her but she wasn't there when I got there, and didn't answer her phone so I just got on with my day.. I didn't look for her.. and when I saw her later in town she tried to talk to me about the doctors but I just relayed the info I had and left her to it. Took my kids to a play date and went home.

WARNING - I am going to be tough here. You are wallowing in all of this and if I might say - going on and on about things when some posters have given you very good advice which you dont seem to be listening to and then wallow a bit more in it. Just do what needs doing. Your Mum is using you. As Yalta says - you have chosen her over your children. If that is YOUR choice that is fine. But stop wallowing!

OP, I promise you your mental health and bonding issues and issues you had when you found out your were pregnant wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for your mother.

I just got on with my day.. I didn't look for her.. and when I saw her later in town she tried to talk to me about the doctors but I just relayed the info I had and left her to it. Took my kids to a play date and went home

That sounds as if you are beginning to set AND KEEP boundaries - well done. Stick to it. Dont let her use the guilt stick.

She chose to be a mum, as did you. Your children need you, she doesn't.

She does it all like that so you feel like you have to physically go there.
That's why she can text when she wants something.

It's pure manipulation.

Amazing how she could take off to France alone when she was angry with you OP, but is reliant on you for basic tasks at home 🤔

And can get herself into town under her own steam right now, after telling you she couldn’t get in or out of her house without assistance.

OP, if you cut contact she’d be fine. She just trying to train you into being her slave again. She can clearly do much more than she makes out when she wants to, she just wants you to do focus totally on her instead of focusing on your baby.

She’d probably be absolutely ecstatic if your marriage broke down, as you’d have more time to be her skivvy.

Tbf that's easy for her.. she gets airport assistance.. then she got some people she knows to collect her at the other end and drop her home...
It was once she was home it unravelled for her.

But yeah I do know some of its a choice and what she is prioritising.. I just need to leave her to it.
I do think it's easier for her here.. she's not far away from the doctors and her flat is very accessible unlike her old house.
She isn't in as much danger as she was in France so I guess that's something.