Should he visit my mum in hospital if his cousin just died?

[samanthaoritzz]

Long term relationship. I have always had an issue not feeling like a priority to my partner. My mum is in hospital (has been since Friday and will probably be the rest of the week+) and he keeps downplaying her situation saying things like “well if she’s still going down for cigarettes she must be fine”? Just not really validating any worry or concern I have for my mum. He was meant to be visiting me tomorrow. Plot twist. So sad but unfortunately his cousin died Saturday night. He was up the hospital, and has been with his family Sunday and all day today. When I spoke with him this morning he suggested coming to see my mum in hospital tomorrow and then we both fly back for the funeral on Saturday, which I was more than happy to do. I would 100% of booked a plane ticket and met him for the funeral no question of a doubt I want to support and be there for him.
he spoke with his mum and she completely put him off going and said it’s risky what if the flight is delayed or he can’t get home etc.
now he has cancelled and is no longer coming to my dad.
I FEEL like he hasn’t showed up for me and I am not a priority. I think showing up for each other (him visiting my mum and me attending the funeral) would have been a compromise and a sacrifice.
Am I being unreasonable to feel like he doesn’t care for me as much as his family? Do I still attend the funeral?

Your mum is in hospital and his cousin has died. I think he should be with his family

I’m a bit confused about all the logistics - is he currently in the place where his cousin’s funeral will be, and you wanted him to travel to where your mum is, then you’d both fly back for the funeral? If so, he’s just lost a family member so I think it’s fair enough he wants to be with his family and not risk missing the funeral.

His cousin has died.

Is this a reverse? Is that the plot twist?

Bloody hell I've been married 30 years and never visited my in laws in hospital!

Why would he fly home just to fly back the funeral? How ill is your Mum?

@titchy i know. But I’m not 100% if my mum is making it out.

It depends. What's wrong with your mum?

I’m also confused about the logistics.

Why do you want him to visit your mom?

Incase she dies. @BitOutOfPractice

Does your mum want him to visit?

@BitOutOfPractice and to support each other equally.

Sorry to say YABVVVU.

From the sound of it your Mum isn't at deaths door (is she really going outside to smoke?) As you say she'll be out in a week.

On the other hand his cousin has DIED! His place is with his family to support each other. His mum is right about the possibility of fuck-ups in flying to visit you at this time.

I think you should be supportive of him at this time as his is the most dire.

I think if the travel involves flights etc then it's probably best he stays near his family.

I'm sorry your mum is poorly, hope she gets better soon.

But you are planning to leave her and fly off to your partner's cousin's funeral?

His cousin had died. His family is his priority. You said your mum will be going home in a week.

@TheYearOfSmallThings Yes I wanted to support my partner at the funeral.

@BlondeFool sorry, I meant my mum will be in for at least a week upwards. No one knows

Is she going outside to smoke as he says?

I would 100% of booked a plane ticket and met him for the funeral no question of a doubt I want to support and be there for him

What, even if your mum was at deaths door though?

If your DM is really poorly I think you each prioritise your own family

If she is actually going down to smoke, then yeah...she can't be too bad!

My DH didn’t visit my DF in hospital. Nor would I expect him to. Your DP had lost a relative and his family must be devastated. He will be drawn to his family right now as you are drawn to yours. His mum needs him, your mum needs you. But it’s not a competition. It’s a very difficult time for you both and your families. The best way to support each other right now is to ‘allow’ each other the space to do what you each feel is right without being pressured by each other. I hope your mum recovers well OP.

I think you each need to prioritise being with your families - so him with his mum etc and you with yours. He shouldn’t fly to see your mum and you shouldn’t fly to the funeral. You have to support one another from a distance. It’s hard, I know, but that’s what I would do.

I’m not sure it’s normal to visit your in laws in hospital. My DH and I would never expect each other do that.

When my DH’s father died I didn’t go to the hospital as it’s a private family matter. I provided him with whatever support he wanted as he would for me but the prospect of DH going to see either of my parents in hospital is ludicrous.

You’re being unreasonable OP.
If your mum is (potentially) on her death bed then you shouldn’t be flying anywhere. He needs to be where he is, with his family. If we were talking 30 mins in a car to see you and your mum at the hospital then yes I’d agree and say he could give you some support and comfort by visiting. But it’s clearly quite a distance including a plane ride.

If he hasn’t made you a priority in his life that is an issue for sure, but I wouldn’t conflate this situation with that wider issue. Also he did offer and was set to go before his mum has perhaps had words and now he is torn.

Im sorry things are tough and your mum is so poorly, I would focus on her at the moment and address the relationship issues when things are less frantic