Should he visit my mum in hospital if his cousin just died?

[samanthaoritzz]

Long term relationship. I have always had an issue not feeling like a priority to my partner. My mum is in hospital (has been since Friday and will probably be the rest of the week+) and he keeps downplaying her situation saying things like “well if she’s still going down for cigarettes she must be fine”? Just not really validating any worry or concern I have for my mum. He was meant to be visiting me tomorrow. Plot twist. So sad but unfortunately his cousin died Saturday night. He was up the hospital, and has been with his family Sunday and all day today. When I spoke with him this morning he suggested coming to see my mum in hospital tomorrow and then we both fly back for the funeral on Saturday, which I was more than happy to do. I would 100% of booked a plane ticket and met him for the funeral no question of a doubt I want to support and be there for him.
he spoke with his mum and she completely put him off going and said it’s risky what if the flight is delayed or he can’t get home etc.
now he has cancelled and is no longer coming to my dad.
I FEEL like he hasn’t showed up for me and I am not a priority. I think showing up for each other (him visiting my mum and me attending the funeral) would have been a compromise and a sacrifice.
Am I being unreasonable to feel like he doesn’t care for me as much as his family? Do I still attend the funeral?

Nah, this is a load of bollocks. IF it’s real, you’re being ridiculous. My mum was in hospital for a week and DH didn’t go to see her, because really what she wanted was me. He asked about her and wanted to make sure she was ok but ultimately visiting was down to me. Nor did I need him to ‘support’ me, I’m a grown woman, and didn’t need him to rub my arm and give me caring glances every 2 minutes. Things don’t always have to be equal. Sometimes life’s circumstances are such that one person takes priority over the other. A death in the family is one of those times. Go to the funeral or don’t, but I wouldn’t start laying demands down because he won’t come to see your mum.

Is this your first long term relationship?

Your expectations feel very much like the rom com version of a relationship. Real life rarely lends itself to big emotional displays of support. More often giving someone support is pretty dull and that’s what makes it special - you are doing something you’d rather not do or sacrificing something yourself to help your DP out of love.

You giving him space to grieve with his family without feeling guilty about not being with you is support. Him acknowledging that you might need to miss the funeral to spend time with your mum is support. If one of these situations was happening in isolation then you absolutely should be there for each other in person. But both at the same time, accept that you both need time with your family and that you’ll be there for each other by phone, text, voice note etc.

I'm confused how you've gone from having a husband and rows about hypothetical childcare/free time to having a boyfriend and this particular situation within the space of a few days?

@StormingNorman what a very sensible post.

@samanthaoritzz there’s not a score sheet in relationships. It doesn’t have to be equal everything on a daily basis. It should balance out over time.

I agree with everyone else.
Your logic isn't making any sense.

@BitOutOfPractice i think what you are forgetting is the first part of the post. I am never a priority to my partner. Maybe this is the wrong reason to explain why I feel this way, but in day to day living I am never validated or important. I have no family here and he is currently with 30+ members of his.

@MatildaTheCat no I have no body around Me and he has 40+ family members with him. No I would not stay long, but I kind of now am second guessing whether to go at all. He says no one is ever there for him when anything traumatic happens, so I want to make sure I’m there for the funeral but likewise need support back.

How can you quantify in hospital for 1 week+ vs might die vs still having a daily smoke? Doesn't make sense. Ps his cousin has died.

So for the 3rd time of asking, is your Mum going out for smokes?

Why are you so keen for him to visit her? She won't give a damn whether he visits or not surely?

And what's your reply to pp pointing out other posts where you have a husband?

If you really feel that you are never a priority to your partner, why are you still in a relationship with him?

In this instance, YABU to expect him to leave his family to visit your mum when his cousin has just died. He needs to be with his family. Your priority at this moment in time should be visiting and taking care of your own mum.

If you think your mum might not make it out of hospital, stay with your mum.

Let him go to his cousins funeral.

you both have different priorities just now and that is ok.

Why doe he have to see your Mum? It's not his Mum. You're putting unecessary pressure on him and creating strange relationship rules. This is the kind of thing that ends relationships eventually. If he never supports you then that's another matter. Pick your battles. If your Mother is going to die then don't go away to someone else's funeral just to prove a point.

So there is only you and your mum and you plan to leave her while she is in hospital, in what I assume is serious if you think she won’t get out, to go to your partner’s cousin’s funeral? And it’s a plane ride away?

There is no way I would leave my mum’s bedside for that

You are both going through something horrible just now. I think you both need to be selfish and think of yourselves. You can be there for each other later

Then you won't want to go off on a flight to some random funeral in the midst of her hospital stay, not knowing how it will go for her - purely to make a point of being tit for tat "supportive" with your partner.

Was coming to say this
Every single word!!

If you think there is a chance that your mum may die
Why would you catch a flight to ‘support’ him when u have said he has 30-40+ family members by his side

Stay with your mum
He has his family to support him through his cousins death

This is NOT about you, and how he never supports you. His cousin has died

Then what is the benefit of the relationship?

I'm confused about the sudden mention of him coming to your dad when his cousin has died and its your mum in hospital. Why would he go to your dad?

He sounds selfish, why are you with him? I think you’ve fixated on this situation to try and prove that he loves you or not. You’re testing him on whether he visits your mum and you also want to prove to him that you love him by going to this funeral, even though your mum needs you more.

If he doesn’t prioritise you then you stop prioritising him.

Don’t go to the funeral. He will have family there, your mum needs you more. (Is he even going to the funeral, since his mum said it was risky?)

Does he live in a different country?

I wouldn't expect him to fly to you just before his cousins funeral. He should be with his family.

Is he particularly close to your mum?

My dh and I have been together 18 years and lived 20 min away from my mum. When me mum was ill I don't remember him visiting the hospital.

Can you support each other over the phone?

You seem to view it as if he doesn't come he's not supporting you.

Are you sure you want to go to the funeral? If your mum is so ill?

I wonder if you have a habitual lifelong feeling of never being a priority, so you make every situation in relationships into an opportunity for the other person to prove to you that you’re their top priority. And if they don’t do this to your satisfaction, you take it as proof that they never prioritise you / don’t care enough / etc. And so the cycle continues and nothing ever changes.

You are being totally unreasonable and selfish. What is wrong with you! His cousin has died and you are making this about you! You complain you don’t feel like a priority but you are acting like you and your mum should be prioritised over his family. I feel sorry for him having to put up with this shit at a time when his family is grieving .
A few people have asked but you haven’t answered and being very vague, what is actually wrong with your mum? One post you day she’ll be out in a couple of days, then a couple of week, then you say you don’t know if she’ll make it out, but she going outside smoking? So initial post, why would your partner need to visit her but your making her condition sound worse which each post? Probably because people aren’t agreeing with you?

Maybe things aren’t great in your relationship so this is tainting your view on this situation. Perhaps it’s time to reconsider if you can move forward with this partner.

However, in all honesty, you need to stay with your mum and him with his family.

This point is not the hill to die on, but perhaps previous instances are.

😂😂

I thought that too - although to be fair, maybe in the other thread, she just used 'My husband' for ease of explanation. I'm pretty sure some people posting on here use 'Husband or partner' interchangeably.

So in your first post your mum is 'probably' staying in hospital for a week and is going downstairs to smoke, then when people don't agree she is now possibly not going to survive.
Are you actually going to tell us vaguely what is wrong with her?