Should he visit my mum in hospital if his cousin just died?

[samanthaoritzz]

Long term relationship. I have always had an issue not feeling like a priority to my partner. My mum is in hospital (has been since Friday and will probably be the rest of the week+) and he keeps downplaying her situation saying things like “well if she’s still going down for cigarettes she must be fine”? Just not really validating any worry or concern I have for my mum. He was meant to be visiting me tomorrow. Plot twist. So sad but unfortunately his cousin died Saturday night. He was up the hospital, and has been with his family Sunday and all day today. When I spoke with him this morning he suggested coming to see my mum in hospital tomorrow and then we both fly back for the funeral on Saturday, which I was more than happy to do. I would 100% of booked a plane ticket and met him for the funeral no question of a doubt I want to support and be there for him.
he spoke with his mum and she completely put him off going and said it’s risky what if the flight is delayed or he can’t get home etc.
now he has cancelled and is no longer coming to my dad.
I FEEL like he hasn’t showed up for me and I am not a priority. I think showing up for each other (him visiting my mum and me attending the funeral) would have been a compromise and a sacrifice.
Am I being unreasonable to feel like he doesn’t care for me as much as his family? Do I still attend the funeral?

They live in different countries. He's said it's hard to prioritise her because of this.

He has a point.

They've managed to have enough of a relationship to get engaged though.

I don't believe he hasn't had a single opportunity to prioritise her in all that time.

My husband could be in the middle of the Amazon rainforest and I'd still do everything I could to get to him if his mum had liver failure. And he would do the same for me.

but the prospect of DH going to see either of my parents in hospital is ludicrous.

In fairness my long-term partner went to see a parent of mine in hospital last year when said parent was in and out of there and not doing well. And he had also arranged to come along with another friend when my other parent (who subsequently died) was in a hospice some years ago. But the people involved had meaningful relationships between themselves.

It very much depends on the relationship and who would like to see who in the hospital. And sometimes, how long someone has been there without much social contact. I don't like visitors except close family when I am in hospital but if I'd been there a long time that would probably change.

In this case it doesn't sound as though your partner is close with your Mum. Although if they have never met I can understand why you might want him to meet her.

I also understand that sometimes addicted smokers go down to smoke even when they are very ill indeed.

I do think that you each prioritising your own family concerns at this time is the best way to go. It's too risky flights-wise for him to risk missing the funeral, he's obviously from a closeknit family. After the funeral hopefully he can come and see your Mum and then fly back if there is more to do over there - so long as that works for him and his family.

OP also says her fiance has never prioritised her.

That is definitely a problem to solve, or if it can't be solved, to ultimately end the relationship. But I don't think today's issue about the cousin, Mum, flights, etc. is the correct litmus test.

I agree.

It sounds like maybe it's the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.

If your mother is that ill and doesn’t have any other family, you would be mad to leave her to go to the funeral.

YABVVU - making the whole situation about you? Central character?

He was meant to be visiting me tomorrow. Plot twist. So sad but unfortunately his cousin died Saturday night. Could you say this with a bit more sarcasm - PLOT TWIST! So sad.... really?
He was up the hospital, and has been with his family (as he should be)
he suggested coming to see my mum in hospital tomorrow and then we both fly back for the funeral on Saturday, (you must have been pushing for him to suggest this, its not logical when a family member has just died for him to be thinking of air travel to come see you)
I would 100% of booked a plane ticket and met him for the funeral (thought you mum was at deaths door? why are you not concerned with being present for your mum and let him be present in his situation)
he spoke with his mum and she completely put him off going and said it’s risky what if the flight is delayed or he can’t get home etc. (it is.. you're being unreasonable)
I FEEL like he hasn’t showed up for me and I am not a priority. (you shouldn't be his priority at his time - his dead cousins funeral and his family should be his priority - not proving to you that you matter)
I think showing up for each other (him visiting my mum and me attending the funeral) would have been a compromise and a sacrifice. (Your mum is coming home at the weekend? His cousin died! its not the same)
Am I being unreasonable to feel like he doesn’t care for me as much as his family? (Yes Fucking yes yes yes, is he not allowed to care for his family? why is it a competition? why are you pushing this issue at a time of stress, when someone has died? That isn't supportive, its disruptive and manipulative)
Do I still attend the funeral? (I wouldn't want you there, bet his family don't either)