Should he visit my mum in hospital if his cousin just died?

[samanthaoritzz]

Long term relationship. I have always had an issue not feeling like a priority to my partner. My mum is in hospital (has been since Friday and will probably be the rest of the week+) and he keeps downplaying her situation saying things like “well if she’s still going down for cigarettes she must be fine”? Just not really validating any worry or concern I have for my mum. He was meant to be visiting me tomorrow. Plot twist. So sad but unfortunately his cousin died Saturday night. He was up the hospital, and has been with his family Sunday and all day today. When I spoke with him this morning he suggested coming to see my mum in hospital tomorrow and then we both fly back for the funeral on Saturday, which I was more than happy to do. I would 100% of booked a plane ticket and met him for the funeral no question of a doubt I want to support and be there for him.
he spoke with his mum and she completely put him off going and said it’s risky what if the flight is delayed or he can’t get home etc.
now he has cancelled and is no longer coming to my dad.
I FEEL like he hasn’t showed up for me and I am not a priority. I think showing up for each other (him visiting my mum and me attending the funeral) would have been a compromise and a sacrifice.
Am I being unreasonable to feel like he doesn’t care for me as much as his family? Do I still attend the funeral?

I'd say he's grieving and pretty put off by hospitals if his cousin just died in one. I know people who can't handle entering hospitals years after losing someone there.
I don't mean to trivialise your mum's illness, but gravely unwell people can't go out for a fag regularly. She's in for a couple of weeks, so I'd say not life threatening. Does she even want to see him? It might not be great if you drag him along against his will.
Just focus on caring for your mum yourself, I think your partner simply can't face it.
If it's bigger than that, which it sounds like it is, then discuss it once you're both less focussed on others.

Yes of course your fiancee/husband is like family and should be supportive. However, if he's dealing with a family emergency, I'd absolutely want him to be with his family. My DH's cousin died recently and DH flew to Italy to be with his family. I felt it was important he should be there. When my parents have been very ill in hospital I've gone to stay with them and DH has stayed at home. I wouldn't expect him to be with me.

If your mum might die you need to stay near her. It doesn't sound as if she will though.

Your partner needs to support his family.

Honestly @samanthaoritzz I think if this and your other thread are anything to go by, you're already arguing about hypothetical situations and you're not on the same page. You live in different countries and have different ideas about what life as a married couple should look like. That will only get worse as time goes on, and you will then find yourself in a different country, with no support and a deadbeat husband. I would seriously consider whether you definitely want to go ahead with moving to another country and marrying this guy.

Engagement is a funny, halfway thing that means different things to different people. I did not really view my DH's family as my own until we were actually married, personally.

As for whether your husband should be your "main source of support", I think we should all be very wary of pinning that badge on any one person tbh. Yes of course, your husband should be one of your main sources of support, but I don't think it's healthy to put it all on one person. You need to build a wider support network for those times like these when he can't step up. That doesn't have to be family... some of my greatest sources of support over the years have been my friends, and I hope that I have supported them in return.

I have been with my DH for the best part of 30 years, and he is fantastically supportive, but there have been numerous times over the years when other friends and/or family have been better placed to support me instead. Either because DH has had his own stuff to deal with at certain times, or because sometimes he has just struggled to "get it" with regard to whatever my problem has been, or because he has been tied up with supporting others in his extended family who needed his help more. None of that takes away from the many, many times when he has been amazing.

I don't think it's ever healthy to have too much emotional dependence on any one individual, whoever that may be. They will inevitably let you down sometimes, because they're human and they have their own lives and concerns. And also, it puts an unfair amount of pressure on them to somehow be responsible for your wellbeing.

Would you really leave your mum to die alone so you could attend the funeral with him? If your so keen for him to visit your mum incase anything bad happened why would you even want to get on a plane?

It's not a compromise situation OP. He needs to support his family now. It's literally the worst thing that can happen, not comparable to illness at all unless your DM has only a few days to live. If you can go to the funeral do, but likewise if its better for your family to stay put then that's what you have to do and he will have to manage without your support. If your mum doesn't get better (hoping she does) there will be plenty time to see her. A cousin can mean many things but if it was one of mine I'd be absolutely devastated.

he said he can't prioritise me when I live in a different country and I don't live there, and that if and when we are married then I will be priority?

Purely from a practical point, he's right. If you're living 7 hours from him, he simply can't be there for you all the time. And he has his own issues in his home country right now that he can't drop to help with yours.

Sorry to hear your mum is poorly OP. I think YABU to your partner though, he’s lost a family member and needs to attend the funeral.

@Apollo365 we were always going to go to the funeral, together, that was never a question

@Medschoolmum thank you and I appreciate your comments and do try to understand his view. Do you have any view though on being engaged being each others family, does that make you closer than your wider family? Do you think your fiance/husband should be your main source of support, especially if you do not have a larger family?

They should be a good source of support - but between this thread and your last one, you come across as thinking that they should be your ONLY support and should always put you first. That simply isn't a realistic view of any relationship whether romantic or simply friends. Nor is 'closeness' a competition. Most people will have wider family members who they have a close relationship with - and that 'closeness' doesn't stop because someone gets engaged or married to someone else to whom they have a 'close' relationship.

Also, most of us get support from different places. Sometimes a friend will be able to support us most, rather than our partner, for lots of different reasons, even if we have supportive and caring partners. No-one can be all things to another individual. And if that's how you see it, then you will never be able to make lasting relationships with anyone, because your needs will be too great.

It may be your partner is not the man for you, but being upset because he isn't with you because his cousin died and isn't putting you first is not a sign that he doesn't care about you.

I'm sorry about your Mum

OP, I'm not sure what culture your DP is from, but one thing that it might be worth reflecting on is the different cultural beliefs about what a marriage "should" look like.

My own family have never really bought into this so it's pretty alien to me, but I have learnt from reading a lot of posts on MN over the years that many British people assume that a spouse should automatically be at the very top of the hierarchy when it comes to needing support, and that, as such, they should always be prioritised over and above another family member such as a parent or sibling. (I think most would probably put children on an equal footing with spouse, or perhaps even one rung up.)

This way of thinking is absolutely fine if both spouses are signed up to the same rule book, but in many cultures, the extended family remains every bit as important as the nuclear family, and priority will be given on the basis of actual need rather than place in the family hierarchy. If you are expecting your spouse to always put your needs above those of other family members, you need to find out if he is on board with this, or whether he will consider his responsibilities to his wider extended family to be unchanged after marriage.

Op, two things can be true - he can be a selfish sod who doesn't put you first ever and he can be perfectly justified in not visiting your mum as he has a funeral.

It's like you are looking for justification in your own mind to prove to you or to him that he is thoughtless. This is not the situation to choose. You also don't have to prove anything, if he does not priortise you then you have agency to end the relationship. You don't have to prove in a court of law that he's an arse and you are not. Say everyone had said yes he is an arse he should visit your mum - how would that actually help you ? It doesn't change his behaviour does it?

Even when you are married you still have your own side of the family. This isn’t about you being closer than his side though, it’s about your mum being put above his side. If you were in hospital with an end stage illness then of course he should stay with you. Not for your mum though when there is a death in his side of the family.

Please don’t turn this into a competition. It won’t end well.

I think his dead cousin trumps your poorly (but well enough to go out for fags and will be home in a week - so clearly not at deaths door herself) mum.

If in fact she IS at deaths door, then your place is with her of course. Not at the funeral. Especially if that's a plane ride away.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like things are a lot for you right now. I'd say concentrate on your mum, get her sorted, and then deal with the underlying relationship stuff. Just take one problem at a time.

Hang on. You say you are never the priority

But sometimes you are simply not.

His cousin HAS died. Your mum is in hospital. You seem to think there’s a slim possibility she could die. But that doesn’t seem very likely. Especially since you are willing to leave her.

why would you be the priority in this situation?

engaged or not. And no your husband or partner can’t be your only source of support. It often makes people very unhappy. The pressure to be everything to one person is immense and there’s no way you can get it right all the time so you are doomed to failure.

It actually sounds like you are trying to find loopholes to make him do what you want. You think he should support you because you have less family? You accept his cousin being dead is worse that your mum being in hospital but still think you should be his priority? Because you come from a smaller family? Which means he will never be the priority? Because you always have the ‘I need you because I have a smaller family argument’

It sounds like you always have to be the priority in any situation and will find any way to get into the position. Even when it makes no sense. The issue here is that you can’t find a way to make yourself the priority over him or his relatives. So you are making stuff up.

It feels like you want him to travel to see your mum so you can feel like he cares about you.

Yabu

And so insensitive to call his cousin dying a plot twist!?!?

You're both going through a lot right now. I think its okay to feel unsupported because he is being unsupportive because he is going through a lot too!

You are both (obviously) prioritising your respective families over eachother.

I think its really bad luck that this has come off the back of you already feeling like he's not there for you and its okay to feel angry at him (although i suspect you are grieving what your mum is going through and these feelings are being magnified to your partner instead)

I wouldn't make any big decisions regarding your relationship right now, and I also wouldn't talk to him about how you're feeling either, as much as you want to.

Focus on taking care of yourself and your mum - he's got 40 other people to lean on xx

I'm sorry about your Mum OP. That sounds really hard.

Does he ever prioritise you over anything? Why is he saying when you're married he will suddenly start prioritising you? I'd believe his actions, not words. If he's never prioritised you before, he won't start just because you sign a bit of paper.

Presumably after they are married they will be living together instead of 7 hours apart.

@samanthaoritzz I had an awful 2023, 2 aunts died plus my mum and my partner’s mum also died.

We both visited my family members in hospital (not every time but he came with me at least once a week). I also visited his mum at her home near the end.

I don’t think you are unreasonable and I also think a cousin is somewhat different to a mother.

I’m sorry you are having to deal with this in your own.

I agree with this.

It seems such an odd thing to be starting a thread about, when you believe your Mum may be in the last week of her life. Focus on her, and reconsider your relationship with him when neither of you is in such a difficult place.

Do you have any view though on being engaged being each others family, does that make you closer than your wider family? Do you think your fiance/husband should be your main source of support, especially if you do not have a larger family?

Do you not have friends etc who can support you? I think it's a lot to put on one person to make them your only emotional and practical support

@Medschoolmum is right.

I think most people get different emotional support from different people.
My dh has always been very supportive when needed, but I get a lot of support from my friends too.

In your circumstances, he has a lot going on at the moment, and, no, I wouldn't expect him to come to you.

I am confused about your living arrangements, but, I don't think anyone would expect anyone to fly 7 hours for a funeral - let alone a cousin's partner. I wouldn't expect even a fiancé to fly 7 hours to be there for the last few days of your Mum's life either, in truth.

This. I love my cousins, but if my husband's mum was in hospital and potentially going to pass away I would be by his side supporting him. Doubly so if he had no one else and was going through it alone.

OP also says her fiance has never prioritised her. That's not a good relationship if she's never put first.

Well yeah, but you're 100% sure his cousin isn't.