Should he visit my mum in hospital if his cousin just died?

[samanthaoritzz]

Long term relationship. I have always had an issue not feeling like a priority to my partner. My mum is in hospital (has been since Friday and will probably be the rest of the week+) and he keeps downplaying her situation saying things like “well if she’s still going down for cigarettes she must be fine”? Just not really validating any worry or concern I have for my mum. He was meant to be visiting me tomorrow. Plot twist. So sad but unfortunately his cousin died Saturday night. He was up the hospital, and has been with his family Sunday and all day today. When I spoke with him this morning he suggested coming to see my mum in hospital tomorrow and then we both fly back for the funeral on Saturday, which I was more than happy to do. I would 100% of booked a plane ticket and met him for the funeral no question of a doubt I want to support and be there for him.
he spoke with his mum and she completely put him off going and said it’s risky what if the flight is delayed or he can’t get home etc.
now he has cancelled and is no longer coming to my dad.
I FEEL like he hasn’t showed up for me and I am not a priority. I think showing up for each other (him visiting my mum and me attending the funeral) would have been a compromise and a sacrifice.
Am I being unreasonable to feel like he doesn’t care for me as much as his family? Do I still attend the funeral?

@samanthaoritzz Regardless of the rights and wrongs in this situation, I remember your other post about your 'tit for tat' husband ( partner?) less than 2 weeks ago and I mean this kindly, but maybe you could do with some counselling to help you unravel how you feel about things and why?

Not sure if you have a husband/partner problem or whether you have huge insecurities and need people to confirm to you that they actually do care about you - and put you first in order to show that? Or perhaps both. In your last post you complained that your Husband/partner saw free time as tit-for-tat which you didn't agree with, but here, you are apparently saying that you see things the same way ( He comes to visit your Mum and you go to the funeral to keep things equal)

I think some counselling might help you to unravel exactly what is going on and enable you to move forward in a way that will be helpful to you. Please give it some thought

And by the way - in this situation, his needs trump yours currently. His cousin has died and your Mum is ill - but you haven't given any indication about why you think she might not come home in the next week or so.

I really don’t think visiting your partner’s parents in hospital is quite as ludicrous or unusual as is being made out on this thread. Especially if you’re literally married into the family and spend Xmas, birthdays, etc with these people.

HOWEVER, if your DP’s cousins death has been quite sudden and unexpected, and cousin is young as well, then I think he absolutely must be given a free pass this time to do what he needs to do for himself and his family. I think, unless you’ve been in the thick of a sudden bereavement of a young person then you’ve absolutely no idea of the huge emotional toll this takes on everyone involved. He needs to be available to support his family, and to feel his own feelings.

It doesn’t diminish any wider concerns you have about the priority you take in his life, but it’s not appropriate to address those now or choose this moment to make an example of him.

He should remain with his family so they can support each other through their bereavement. If your mum is as ill as you claim she is why would you even consider taking a flight yourself in case something happens to her while you're gone? You're being quite unclear on just how ill your mum is or how likely it is that she'll pass away. At the end of the day, his priority should be his own family who have had someone die, not his gfs mum who might or might not.

I would never expect my DH to visit my mum in hospital

If my cousin died i would want to be with my family.
How is that too hard for you to understand OP?

If i thought my mum was dying i wouldn't be flying anywhere

Have your PiLs ever been in hospital? And you've never or would never visit them? This is wild. Such differences in culture.

OP, let him stay with his family u less your mum is in a very critical condition

@samanthaoritzz what is wrong with your DM? I'm very sorry she isn't well. Still going down for a smoke suggests she isn't as ill as to make things really bad, however if you don't say then people won't be accurately able to judge.
On the other hand, his cousin has just died. TBH that does come first, it isn't a case of him not prioritising you, its a case of you maybe need to prioritise him on this one.

@OrlandointheWilderness she has end stage liver damage

@OrlandointheWilderness i think my main reason for being emotional about this was that i do not have anyone here supporting me, and he said he needs to be there for his family. When you are engaged to be married you become each others family, and i was prepared to fly to be there for him, which is why i took this one to heart. @Edenmum2 @BodyKeepingScore

I am so sorry to hear that, that is a lot to deal with. How far away is he?

@OrlandointheWilderness thank you - 7 hours on plane

Sorry you're on your own dealing with your mum's illness, OP. That sounds really hard.

In the kindest way possible, though, I think yabu. Your bf's cousin has just died, he wants to be with his family, he doesn't want to risk a very long journey that could potentially make it difficult for him to get back for the funeral if there were delays etc.

Your mum is clearly very unwell and you're understandably worried, but I can see why he wouldn't think that she is at death's door if she is still going out for cigarettes etc. I'm sure that it isn't that he doesn't care, but he needs to prioritise his own family right now.

Do you not have friends etc who can support you? I think it's a lot to put on one person to make them your only emotional and practical support, and in a way, it's almost inevitable in this scenario that you might end up feeling like you aren't a priority for him.

Does he ever show up for you when you need him? If not, then don't marry him - he won't change, and you'll be setting yourself up for a lifetime of perpetual disappointment. If he does, then think about the times when you've felt let down and whether you might perhaps have been expecting a bit too much?

Unfortunately both sides of the family are having a shit time at the moment so I think as hard as it is your best focusing on your own side and supporting each other from afar.

dont let it turn into a game of problem too trumps!

@Medschoolmum thank you and I appreciate your comments and do try to understand his view. Do you have any view though on being engaged being each others family, does that make you closer than your wider family? Do you think your fiance/husband should be your main source of support, especially if you do not have a larger family?

What happens if you fly 7hrs away to support him at the funeral and your mum takes a turn and the return flights are fucked? Or you can't get back quick enough? Could you live with yourself if you weren't there for your mum in her final hours?

You don't need to be involved with your partner's cousin's funeral - forget about that and focus on your mum. You can't be that far away from her if you think there's a good chance she'll die before your partner gets back from the funeral.

It does sound hard for both families. However, I think you should be with your mum and he should be with his family. I don't think this should be turned in to some kind of loyalty test. He shouldn't need to make a 7 hour flight if his family are greaving and about to have a funeral. You shouldn't be making that long journey either if your mum is seriously ill.
Just let him get on with it and you focus on your mum.

I think a 7 hour flight a day before a funeral is quite risky I can totally understand why he wouldn't want to undertake that sort of travel after the risks have been pointed out.

Also in your shoes I wouldn't want to be a 7+ hour journey away from my mum if the risk was she would die soon.

I understand you might have a history of not feeling like a priority to your partner but honestly the situation you're describing now is a no one wins scenario, I don't think it's the best example to give.

I would step back and focus on your mum, spending time with her and supporting yourself how you can.

Im also confused though as in your thread from 3 May you had a husband.

YABU. You sound like one of those people who want 'proof' of people's love for you but the 'proof' you want is unreasonable in a lot of people's minds.

I'm sorry your Mum is ill.

I'm gonna totally project right now. My guess is that historically he hasn't been as supportive/shown up when you've wanted. Now when he actually has a valid reason not to show up it feels just like another excuse like the other times. He has a valid reason not to show up. You have a valid reason not to go to the funeral. I understand you feel alone but please reach out to a friend to get the support. Once you're not stressed and everything is calmer, have a good chat.

@thanKyouaIMee it wouldn't of been a day before, he was meant to fly here monday night, and we would of flown back together thursday for the funeral saturday - but he said no he has to be with his family all week

I don't think there's a 'winner' here OP - the timing is just unfortunate and you both need to prioritise your families.

Does your partner live 7 hours flight away? Or was he visiting his family when his cousin died? You say in your OP that he was planning to visit you when the cousin died, so I assume he lives that far away and you are in a long distance relationship with him? Has he met your Mum? Does she want him visiting her in hospital?!

I understand you're looking for some support, and it sounds like perhaps this is just one of many instances where you feel you haven't been his priority. In which case, do you actually want to marry someone who is already not prioritizing you?

@PercyJackson he said he can't prioritise me when I live in a different country and I don't live there, and that if and when we are married then I will be priority?

OP - and what if - God Forbid, your mother dies while you are on the flight there or while you are there? Will you be able to forgive yourself? Have you thought about this? YABU. Stay with your mother for goodness sake.