Should he visit my mum in hospital if his cousin just died?

[samanthaoritzz]

Long term relationship. I have always had an issue not feeling like a priority to my partner. My mum is in hospital (has been since Friday and will probably be the rest of the week+) and he keeps downplaying her situation saying things like “well if she’s still going down for cigarettes she must be fine”? Just not really validating any worry or concern I have for my mum. He was meant to be visiting me tomorrow. Plot twist. So sad but unfortunately his cousin died Saturday night. He was up the hospital, and has been with his family Sunday and all day today. When I spoke with him this morning he suggested coming to see my mum in hospital tomorrow and then we both fly back for the funeral on Saturday, which I was more than happy to do. I would 100% of booked a plane ticket and met him for the funeral no question of a doubt I want to support and be there for him.
he spoke with his mum and she completely put him off going and said it’s risky what if the flight is delayed or he can’t get home etc.
now he has cancelled and is no longer coming to my dad.
I FEEL like he hasn’t showed up for me and I am not a priority. I think showing up for each other (him visiting my mum and me attending the funeral) would have been a compromise and a sacrifice.
Am I being unreasonable to feel like he doesn’t care for me as much as his family? Do I still attend the funeral?

Perhaps he has in the past not supported you equally and you have reason to feel disgruntled about that. However, this situation is not really the time to be creating drama and it will do no good to bring this up now.
Your mum is in hospital, managing to go out and have smoke breaks, so not likely on deaths door ( sorry ) and his cousin is actually dead.

He needs to stay with his family.

I would have a look at how you feel after your mum leaves hospital and take it from there. I hope your mum feels better soon.

Let me get this straight...you believe it is essential for your partner to come and see your mother this week, before his cousin's funeral, because you believe she may die imminently. But you are also planning to leave her and fly off to support your partner through a bereavement which you think is unimportant enough to him that he should leave and fly to see your mother instead?

I wouldn't leave my death's door parent to fly to my dh's cousin's funeral.

I didn't need my dh to visit my dad in hospital. I needed him to support me at home and forgive me when I was difficult and angry and grieving.

I guess the difference is that I don't need to feel like a priority to him, I just know I am.

Does he have a relationship with your mother? Are they close? Does she even want to see him? (If I'm ill in the hospital I don't want "social calls").

Besides all that, it seems unreasonable to expect him to have to fly in for a brief hospital visit then fly back to where the funeral will be held.

You're two adults with family responsibilities that you have to prioritize. Don't turn this into some kind of silly relationship " test" requiring performative "support". And I hope your mum's health improves, OP.

@TheYearOfSmallThings how I was looking at it, was he would see my mum this week incase anything bad happened. And depending on how my mum was, I would fly back by his side to support him at the funeral on Saturday. Then we are there for each other.

Yeah you don't seem to be making much sense.
His cousin has died. Someone his own age who he may well have grown up seeing fairly often. His mothers siblings child.
That is His priority. That should be his priority. Your mum in hospital even at deaths door is not a priority unless it's because you are not coping with seeing your mum and caring for your joint children etc. Just visits. Just social support - not priory.
If you can't get to the funeral because your mum is too poorly for you to risk leaving her then he should understand. But no he is not being unreasonable to not visit your mum

YABU his mum is right what if the flight is delayed he doesn’t make it back in time for his cousins funeral how would you feel if he missed the funeral for the sake of visiting your mum.

So you have decided for the both of you what has to happen?

This, particularly as you said she is due to come out at the end of the week. Presumably if your mum was in a more serious condition you wouldn’t even be contemplating going to the funeral, but as you are (and are not sticking around to get her comfortable after her discharge) then presumably she is on the mend? Personally, unless you knew the cousin very well, or if your OH really needed to you be there, then I think you should both be with your own respective families over the next few days.

You seem a bit hung up on this idea of “equal”.

Life doesn’t tend to work like that.

You attending his cousins funeral doesn’t “buy” you him visiting your mum. Support isn’t always equal. Sometimes it’s about the least worse option.

As you haven’t refuted his point about your mum still smoking; and she’s only sure to be in hospital for a week, I think you’re catastrophising a bit. Ideally he’d support you through your fears; and that may or may not include a visit to your mum, but his cousin has just died. Give him a break.

Also I hate this sentence: Am I being unreasonable to feel like he doesn’t care for me as much as his family?

Love isn’t finite, there is enough to go around, it’s not a competition.

Do you think that maybe emotion is clouding your judgement after the recent stressful time with your mum? I am sorry she has been so unwell by the way.

His cousin just died. He is exactly where he needs to be right now supposing his family.

Your mum is ill but it doesn't seem like her death is imminent from what you've posted.

Someone isn't understanding priorities right not and it's not him!

Why can't he visit your mum after his cousin's funeral?

So in the OP no mention of your mum maybe dying but you absolutely were going to be a flight away to go to your boyfriends cousins funeral? Tbh I think it's you who needs to get their priorities right, sorry. I hope your mum is ok.

Wild horses couldn't have dragged me away from my family when my cousin died.

DH and I have been together 20 years, love each other's parents - I don't know that we'd be visiting each other's parents in hospital tbh. The only time it's come up was during covid so it wasn't possible, but we tend to run on the theory that I support my parents and he supports me when times are tough, and vice versa.

This is adult life - sometimes you'll each have your own priorities and responsibilities.

If you think your mum really is terminally ill, I wouldn't be getting on a plane unless it's a route with lots of options and there's plenty of other support around your mum.

Not sure she'd be all that bothered.

Op, let your boyfriend go to funeral and ask your husband from your last thread to support you instead.

He absolutely doesn't have to visit your mother in hospital (that would be a bit odd, to be honest). But, equally, you don't have to go to his cousin's funeral.
It sounds like you would both be better off prioritising your own situations. Then, maybe in a few weeks' time, get away for a proper break together.

Is he close with your mum? Have you got any reason to think she's going to die? It sounds like a horrible situation for the both of you. But I don't think you should be falling out with him over something like this considering his cousin has just died. You can support each other without physically being with one another.

lol. Caught out OP!

Oh it seems like op has another one to support her.. problem Solvej..

He can support you by phone. Do you have anyone else around you?

And what is wrong with your mum? It’s a fairly crucial detail in whether her life is hanging in the balance. You’ll be able to make the decision about attending the funeral later in the week, presumably you won’t stay long?

I’m going to sound heartless now, sorry… I probably wouldn’t visit my MIL even if my cousin hadn’t died. Remember your bond with your mum isn’t the same as his bond with your mum. If she’s in ICU and doctors call the family in to say goodbye then that’s a different story…

If he came to visit your DM before flying back for the funeral, he'd spend the whole time distracted and worrying about getting back in time.

Equally, if you went other funeral, you'd spend the whole time distracted and worrying about getting back in time.

This is sadly a situation where the sensible choice is for each of you to focus on your own family while supporting each other in the phone or FaceTime.

Make it make sense!

I would just focus on your own families for the next week or so - you stay with your mum, he stay with his family.