Adult children claiming bedrooms

[Gladya72]

I have a 25yo daughter moved out 2 years ago. 30yo son had to move back due to divorce. Not working at present but in process of starting new job wfh. Told 25yo we would like to move brother into larger room to accommodate for this and she has gone mental. Explained wouldn't throw anything of hers away but as she only comes home couple times a month and he will be paying rent and due to his circumstances he should get the larger room. She has now said she won't give it up. We are putting him before her and being we are unreasonable and if we give him the room she won't come back! I'm aghast. Surely I'm not being unreasonable in the circumstances? We try to give them as much help as possible we're currently paying off her car for her and she says we're favouring him..

Your DD is an entitled brat.

Stop enabling it...

The problem you have is that she has never "moved out" - The room should have been cleared 2 years ago when she moved into her new place and redecorated as a guest room....

You're making him far too comfortable. He's 30!!!

I'm going against the grain here but I can see her side. You might be like Ross and Rachel's parents on friends. You might have a history of favouring him without realising it

What the heck? She’s moved out but refuses to give her bedroom to a sibling who is paying rent? Sorry but no, you cannot claim bedrooms for life for when you fancy visiting. My brother and I moved out at 18, I stay every few months as I moved away, he stays very infrequently and we stay in whichever room. None of our stuff is still there, it’s long gone.

I agree with a previous poster, decorate both rooms in a neutral style or your taste.

In this scenario, my sibling would move in with me and not our parents.

I think from her reaction, there is a long history. She believes your son is your favourite. Have you given them both the same financial support?

You need an exit strategy for giving financial support. Agree a timeline for your son moving out.

I do understand her being sad: your childhood bedroom is a special place. But she is being massively unreasonable to throw her toys out of the pram about it.

Not really she's had the bigger room all this time. She has her own home with her own bedroom. It's odd she wants to keep her childhood bedroom.

He will be the 1 paying rent. Why should he be holed up in a small boxroom so spoilt brat can keep her room for when she visits 2 nights a month?

In most families it's perfectly normal that when oldest sibling has moved out if there is a sibling still living with parents they get to move to the bigger room. If you've watched any of the Radford episodes when 1 moves out it's a big thing of who gets the empty room it's never empty long

She will be embarrassed by this when she grows up.

Remind her you are paying for her car!

Bingo.

YANBU

Tell her that she can pay the same as him per month to "bagsy" her room, along with a 25% premium as it is the bigger room.

I sort of understand in that she probably had the thought that she can always go home if things dont work out. She is clinging to her room as a sort of security blanket. Being out in the world as an official grown up is scary at first. But that doesnt mean she is right. I would go in with "I am sorry that you feel like that but as you have moved out we have decided that this is what is happening. ITs not about favouritism but about practicalities, you dont need that room and DS does. You are always welcome here and we love you". Kind but firm. Channel your inner Minerva McGonagall.

Or......tell her she can have the room but she can pay off her own car.

Rather get the feeling you have spoiled your kids over the years.....

Bonkers. Tell her you’re going to sell the house and she needs to get her shit out.

WOW😱. She is incredibly spoilt 😢

My knee-jerk reaction is to say there are a lot of nasty, spiteful, jealous, cruel people posting here.

When Opie says she's paying off her daughter's car finance, you understand that she's using her own money to that, right?

As in she hasn't cloned your bank card, and isn't taking your money to pay for it. She's not "taken" anything at all from you or affected your finances in any possible manner.

She's not "stolen" the money for those car payments from your parent/s or caregiver's. She's not the reason mummy and daddy didn't buy you a shiny new car.

And maybe, just maybe, she's helping her daughter out because she wants to. Maybe she's in a comfortable and secure enough position that she can help her daughter out without becoming financially destitute herself?

Whatever the case may be, she's not causing you any harm... so maybe grow up a bit and stop attacking her as if she was enacting some personal vendetta against you?

Either she is a brat or there is a huge backstory.

Obviously people can do what they want with their money, but what people struggle to understand is why people like the OP are indulging such entitled behaviour from there adult children and being treated like a doormat and at the same time massively subsidising their lifestyle.

Plus the OP is asking for opinions and advice on a public forum.

Tell her you are treating them both fairly - if she moves back in and pays rent she can keep the room!

Noticeable that the OP hasn’t returned. Like she stirred up a predictably controversial topic then just disappeared.

Your DD's lack of emotional intelligence is breathtaking. I see she's 25, which can be quite a selfish age.

As other's have said, if she's desperate to keep the room, she can move back in and pay rent.

Is there some underlying thing that we or even you don't know about? Is she angry with him about the divorce or does she feel like he always gets first choice in your affections? Or has she always been a bit spoiled? Is this regular behavior from her or out of the blue?

My family just did it without asking because it’s not my house and I don’t live there 🤷‍♀️ makes sense to me really you didn’t need to ask just do it

Sorry OP, but the words 'entitled' and 'brat' spring to mind. She needs to start acting her age, not like a 14 year old (though to be fair, I'm pretty sure lots of 14 year olds would respond in a much more mature way than your daughter.

If she wants to keep the room charge her full rent. Even if she only uses it twice a month!

She sounds like a princess and I would ignore her wishes!! My daughter is 17 and I could imagine her being like this too!! What you are proposing makes perfect sense.