Adult children claiming bedrooms

[Gladya72]

I have a 25yo daughter moved out 2 years ago. 30yo son had to move back due to divorce. Not working at present but in process of starting new job wfh. Told 25yo we would like to move brother into larger room to accommodate for this and she has gone mental. Explained wouldn't throw anything of hers away but as she only comes home couple times a month and he will be paying rent and due to his circumstances he should get the larger room. She has now said she won't give it up. We are putting him before her and being we are unreasonable and if we give him the room she won't come back! I'm aghast. Surely I'm not being unreasonable in the circumstances? We try to give them as much help as possible we're currently paying off her car for her and she says we're favouring him..

Another thing I don’t think anyone has mentioned is that the op mentions ‘other’ bedroom. I’m assuming opposite sex children didn’t share as teenagers?
Presumably rooms decorated differently? Does your son actually want to use his sister’s room?
Fair enough storing some stuff in there but not sure any thirty year old man would want my daughter’s bright pink room complete with flower mural.

@Fairyliz · Today 19:22

As the mother of two DC’s in their late 20’s I actually surprised as some of these harsh replies.

My Dc both have ‘their’ bedroom and in the years since they went to university they have been back and forwards living with us at different times until they purchased their own homes This is the norm amongst my friends.

As wicked boomers we are aware of how hard it is for young people. So we have contributed towards uni/driving lessons/cars/house deposits etc. Isn’t that what families do help each other out?

Wicked Boomers? Speak for yourself! I'm not a fecking boomer - OR bloody 'wicked.' (And I doubt many people posting on here about their adult DC are 'Wicked Boomers' either!) And some parents of adult children had life as hard - if not harder than their adult DC do now. Don't assume everyone else has had an easy life, just because YOU have.

And you are incredibly privileged if you have been able to pay for driving lessons, cars, and house deposits for your adult DC.

Many people support and help their adult DC as much as they are able, and will, of course, welcome them back home if need be... But some adult DC (including the OP's) take the piss! Some adult children - like the OP's - are selfish and entitled and very immature. And pandering to them and 'enabling' them does not help!

Within 2 weeks of me moving out, my DM had reclaimed my room as her sewing room! I remember feeling a bit miffed but wouldn’t have dreamed of saying a word!

You realise rooms can be repainted fairly quickly?

@SabreIsMyFave
I was ironically referring to myself with the wicked boomer comment as I’m certainly in the right age group.
There is post after post on MN about how people like me had it so easy because we had low house prices. I certainly didn’t have it easy but I’m making the point now I finally have some money (through inheritance) I’m using it to help my children as are all of my friends.

I don't understand why you expect a 25 year-old to have left home and found herself somewhere to rent at current commercial rates, but don't expect the same of a 30 year-old.

I can see he might need a stop-gap whilst he waits for the marital home to be sold, but is it really worth changing everything around for such a short period?

Your DD's response seems more emotional than rational. Does she perhaps think that you love DS more?

No need, they can't run very fast by the time they're 75, plus he's going to need someone a bit more flexible than he is to help him put his socks on soon.

Maybe it's going to be a long drawn out divorce? Maybe it's been a proper shock for him, out of the blue, and he's feeling vulnerable? Maybe OP just wants to support her son in his time of need regardless of his age?

@theilltemperedclavecinist
My understanding from the OP’s post is that he’s got a new job wfh and needs to fit in a desk, etc. into the room. His former bedroom may have been tiny.

It seems logical to me, why squeeze everything into a small space when another room is available?

Sorry, @GoldDuster , I’ve accidentally quoted the wrong post!

Your dd is Veruca Salt.

Don’t entertain such nonsense. She can put up or shut up.

Remind her that she had a room in your house as a child and she moved out and it’s not a shrine. If she starts being a brat, tell her she can pay her own car.. in fact you’ve likely created a brat by paying for a car for a grown adult !

If you have lived there forever and this has always or mainly always been her room, I can see why she would feel disgruntled. There are so many memories, so much history tied up in our childhood rooms. I think if your son hadn’t returned home and you said that you wanted to turn both rooms into guest rooms, decorate etc, the response would have been more understanding. However giving your son the room, so that he has effectively two rooms and she is displaced is what is upsetting. Did your son return to his room as he left it? - If he did then I’m afraid you have set an expectation here.

we're currently paying off her car for her and she says we're favouring him..

Treat them like children and they behave like children. Be blunt. He's paying rent, she doesn't live at home, it's your house and he will be getting the big room. There's really nothing to discuss.

This. I’ve swapped DCs rooms around many times. The last time one of them made a fuss was when she was 16. She got over it!

Not her room. Your house, your room.

Does she want to pay for her own car.

I would be furious if I were you.

BUT before it all goes explosive, have a nice chat, reassure her that you love them equally, explain the circumstances and try and found a nice place to go together, have coffee or whatever and make up. She is being ridiculous and she probably knows that!

On my wedding night, when I was busy with my husband in our new home, my brother was moving his stuff into 'my' bedroom at my parents' house. You don't have any claim once you move out.

I can't believe she thinks she has a choice.

@Gladya72 well I hope dd has calmed down a bit.
Tell her you are boxing her stuff up to go in the attic/garage. If she wants to collect anything in the car YOU pay for, she is more than welcome.

I'm just interested why you're paying for her car at the age of 25.

She's being ridiculous about the room too.

Stop paying off her car.

Shes being entitled and bratty. Just swap the rooms over when she’s not there.

Your house, your choice of what to do with the rooms. She doesn't get to give it up, she's already moved out. I'd box everything up and redecorate both rooms as guest rooms. DS can have one and DD can use the other when she visits. Then neither rooms are theirs, they both guest rooms.

These are not children, they are whiny adults.
Why are you entertaining this???

Sit down with her and have a sensible conversation when you point out that she really can't expect to have the room kept for her sole use forever; just as you don't expect to dictate how she uses her house, she can't dictate how you use yours; so unless she's telling you that there's a very good reason why she needs the room then her brother is going to have it temporarily and she doesn't have any right to say no.

If she's still bloody-minded about it, point out the it she's never coming back you assume she's never asking for any contributions to her car, either.

When I moved out and got married my dm redecorated my room. She also used to arrive at my house open the boot and proceed to give me stuff I had left at the family home. Some of the stuff went straight from her boot to the bin. . The room got used by my sibling when home visiting from abroad but neither of us considered it our room. It was her room prior to her going to uni when it got new twin beds so we now had to share occasionally. Once I had my own house I really didn't think of it as still mine. Your son may only be at home temporarily but being a full time resident takes precedent over someone who is only an occasional visitor.

You’re taking about a grown woman with her own home here, not a 12 year old being forced to sleep under the stairs. She doesn’t live there and doesn’t pay rent, so it’s unreasonable to expect the OP to keep her room as some sort of shrine on the off chance she’ll sleep over now and again.

I’m only surprised it’s still full of her junk. My parents boxed mine up and put it in the loft when I went to uni. They completely redecorated my room - new wallpaper, carpet, and furniture. I was still able to use it when I came home but it was very definitely the guest room, and it wasn’t a given I’d get first dibs on it if they had visitors.