Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

[Kira4]

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup.

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot).

I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x.

Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

The divorce itself wasn’t dramatic or complex- no cheating etc and wasn’t sudden. We tried counseling unsuccessfully. We both struggled to adapt to new lives in different ways though- he got a whole new lease of life and became quite immature imo. I coped by trying to overly control things which both he and d rebelled against (they’re both quite controlling by nature). We had agreed on almost everything and kept to everything except when it came to d1. She became even closer to x (who she is exactly like in personality) while she and I went from really close to just driving each other mad.

we did try to keep a united front but I felt he gradually supported me and backed me up less and less with her and went from actually being the disciplinarian one who was black and white on rules and bedtimes etc to criticizing me. I really think this shift in x came from x’s family with whom she spent time over the summer. We were quite young when we had d1 and x’s parents have always been a bit overly involved and overly protective of her and x is very sensitive to their criticism. I do admit though that looking back she pushed my buttons during that time and I could have been more understanding and patient with her and I’ve apologized to her.

Yes I’ve had therapy and I’m in a good place personally. My relationship with x and everyone besides d1 is good. Therapy doesn’t seem to work for x or d1 who are both resistant to it.

OP sometimes children of divorced parents feel compelled to take sides, to be “fair”. You say your younger DD is your shadow, possibly your elder DD is compensating for that by siding with her father. It may not last for ever.

I wouldn’t move her to the UK unless you’re there too. Even then, she might be resistant, but if that was always the long term aim and you have x’s support, she might just have to accept that this is a parental decision.

However, I’m concerned that x’s plans may not now include leaving Spain and you moving to the UK with his DC could be more problematic than you envisage.

No, therapy for you! You are the issue here!

Thanks. This is encouraging

Your DD has been through parental separation, frequent moves, new schools, learning different languages - and finally she has found some stability and people she wants to be with, friends she wants to see, activities she wants to do, and a good relationship with a step-parent. Your relationship with her has suffered, and you now want to rip her away from everything she loves, and move her yet again, just to be in a country you took her away from originally, to be near family that you aren’t even living with!!

It defies belief that you can think this is a good idea. It would be the final nail in the coffin of your relationship with your daughter.

As above , why not try to build own relationship with your dd while you can

If you want to kill any chance of a good adult relationship with your dd, go ahead, send her to boarding school. She'll never forgive you.

Instead work on your relationship with her now

Talk about narsasistic. All this screams is me me me. Board at 14 if she wants to. My 14 year old would love boarding school but she wouldn't at 11!!! There babies!

Yes I’d love to but easier said than done when she doesn’t want to spend any time with me

Have to ever spoken to her to ask her why she seems to be fading you from her life? If you had an affair that ended the marriage to her father, is it worth apologising to her for example?

Next time you are in the car and thus not face to face, why not try and find out what is going on rather than attempting to adjust her life for her remotely.

I think it's for your ex to arrange her education and everything else major about her life. I suspect one day she will start to treat you better as she matures but any intervention on your part might wreck the relationship forever so take care.

In your shoes I would try to have one conversation with her and then, if I got nowhere, I would go grey rock int he hope she would come back of her own accord.

So sorry OP, I really do sympathise with you.
I would find this heartbreaking.
Have you spoken to your dd and told her how much you miss her?
Could you give her the option of moving with you to England to live together and attempt to rebuild your relationship? Maybe there needs to be some other options put to her?

Again, I'm not trying to stick the boot in, but 'she pushed my buttons' is a complete cop out when you're talking about such a young child. You have agency over your own reactions and responses as the adult in the situation. You make it sound like all this stuff is just happening to you and completely out with your control. You have to step up here while she's still relatively young.

I actually think the best thing would be for your ex to step up and say to her, he and girlfriend have plans on x day eg Sunday night therefore you need to stay at mums, be the parent, once a week not necessarily Saturday. He needs to reassert that the gf is his gf not her friend.

I hate to say this- but could ex and gf be turning dd against you?
If not, do you know the reason that she shows no interest in you?

You are in touch with her now every week. Keep it up. Sending her to boarding would cut this connection.

It still sounds like some therapy/counselling for just you might be a good idea - focused on your parental feelings and insecurities about the current situation. You want all the time you have together to be "you are calm for her" not "you are both dealing with your own feelings".

In her age some level of rebelling and distancing is normal, and is possible only when the child feels they can afford it. In a way, distancing from you can be a form of trusting you will be there no matter what.

I fully cop to the mistakes I made. Not trying to make any excuses but trying to be honest about what happened

So your jealous and want to end that relationship but do nothing to build your own? How is sending her somewhere else going to build a relationship with you?

Your the adult here so you need to keep smiling and work out a plan .Speak to exh and see if they have a suggestion.
Don't pass her on to your relatives to try to sort out or take away the stability she has found .
My whole relationship with my dm was damaged .I was a teenager when the marriage broke up.
That horrible angry at world stage teenagers can be in and our relationship was really poor .She left and tbh it took yrs to move past that point in our relationship it was like we were both stuck .
It was a great regret to both of us

Was your previous therapy around getting over the divorce or looking at ways to improve your relationship with your daughter?

The reason I ask is because there are obviously definitely things you need to change in how you show up in your relationship with your daughter. Your patterns of behaviour in the relationship. Even what you are writing on here shows that you are blaming her for your relationship issues but it takes two people to have relationship issues and you need to take responsibility for and change your thinking and your part in these issues.

My personal concern as a parent would be that if your ex and his gf break up - your DD could get very, very hurt. If the gf does not have kids of her own she may not have even considered the attachment aspect to their relationship and, while she may be hanging out with your DD for genuine reasons, what she is doing is not actually wise. She may also have considered that it’s not really appropriate for her to be hanging out with DD at weekends when it’s her contact time with her mother.

That is not a situation I would get involved with personally speaking and it suggests a lack of intelligence and or lack of wisdom.

You are allowing her to set the timetable, that's ridiculous. I think she's pushing you because she wants boundaries, she wants you to show how much you want/need to spend time with her .. and you're standing back and not doing it! Also, she is angry with you so yes sending her off to a new country/school .. that's definitely going to help things. That poor child.

I went to boarding school. All of the girls I recall who came from overseas were particularly unhappy.

I think you will do permanent damage to your relationship with Dd
She will hate it, a massive change in language, subjects, system, climate.
She will have to make new friends, wear uniform & have NO parent to run to.
She will hate you, she will feel abandoned & punished."sent away"
When she comes home for holidays she will go to her father.
Then you will definitively have broken the relationship
The gf is more fun. Shes nearer dd's age.
She can be fun as she has no parental role or responsibility.

I expect your Xh is taking the road if least resistance, he doesn't want to fight her. But he should be firm with her & tell her EOW will be with you, she needs to spend time with you, her Mum, & her sister. & he & gf have plans or whatever.
I expect he us actually enjoying being chosen as favoutite

I appreciate that, and it seems like a very difficult set of circumstances to try and navigate. But just from my reading of it, you need to be a bit more assertive in being involved in her life. And boarding school is the antithesis of that. Are you afraid of trying to get too close to her in case she rejects you? I'm not a professional so I'm just trying to pick apart what might be going on.

Many of my friends have lasting trauma from being sent to boarding school. Only send her if this is her wish.
If this is a genuine post, just keep being open to her and showing her however you can that you love her and are there for her no matter what. You’re her mum and there are ways in which that can never be replaced by your ex’s new gf

As to the boarding question - MNers generally hate boarding schools. Some people I know were very happy there, some were miserable.

At this juncture the issue is not what % of kids are happy at boarding school, but is that the right choice for your DD and what impact will it have on your relationship. Given the fact she’s moved around a lot and you’ve divorced, she needs more stability not less, and given you want to rebuild your fractured relationship you need more time together not less.

So it doesn’t sound to me like a good choice at this point. But if it’s something she wanted to do in the future, you can always revisit that.