Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

[Kira4]

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup.

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot).

I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x.

Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

@Kira4 oh hen, where to start with this one.

Firstly, I'm sorry it's hurting you to see your DDs relationship with your exes gf. I myself was a stepmum for many years and my dsc preferred being with me to their dm, not because I was shiny and new, but because those "silly" dances, and photographs were all down to me to do. The parents didn't. Nor did they do anything child focused. Everything children enjoy, outdoors, exploring, daft humour, experiences with food, places, all these things neither parent cared for. They weren't interested in schooling or the basics either, but if they'd been a different kind of person, maybe they'd have cared only about education and extra curricular activities? Either way, everything fell on me and my stepkids saw from around aged 10 who was showing up, who wasn't.

Shes 11, when you're ferrying her somewhere have a cancel of plans, have a boot full of a picnic and favourite food/snacks and you take her on a spontaneous day out, just you both. Take selfies, get her to show you a tiktok trend. Also buy a manicure set, do her nails, it's a close bond thing to do, without forcing physical affection on to her.

You say she's being a stranger these days? My ex feels like that about our shared dc.
He couldn't tell you his favourite film/show/friends names/music he likes/ what colour his room is. Couldn't even tell you what subjects he's doing in college.
Who is your daughters favourite youtuber/tiktoker? What's her favourite show/film? What music does she like? Find out her interests.

I'm curious how gf has overstepped? What's happened to make you say that?

My concern wouldn't be I'm being pushed out although I'd obviously be devastated, but moreso I would worry what if ex and gf split up, then what? She shouldn't be doing the heavy lifting for your parenting, in case it's not a long term thing.
It's new to them both, having a stepmum type and being one, right now they're making friends and having fun but at some point ex will have to be the bad guy and then what? That could be an awful situation.

You need to talk to your dd, spend time with her regardless of her wants, just keep trying, even if you pop over with a few nice things for her. During the pandemic I made up boxes for my pals, with treats and self care things, reed diffusers and face mask stuff, those kind of things. Would you do a kid version for her? Hot chocs/sweets/bath bombs? That kind of thing, just show her you do think of her.

Don't send her to a boarding school to salvage your relationship, she'd probably hate you.

When we have children they're ours to cherish and protect, but we don't own them, they're not ours to do with as we please, if you send her to a boarding school you're doing it for you, I think after the replies you must realise that.
If you want a relationship with her, try harder, even if it doesn't happen, you've tried, but don't make her miserable out of jealousy.

When my ex and I broke up, for years his dc chose to live with me, they just preferred being with an adult who would make effort for them. But I wasn't their parent, they needed a parent and I wish for their sakes, a parent had have shown up. They now barely keep in touch with their parents. Mum barely ever, dad when they're skint. Nothing of substance.

Even if you have to do things that feel uncomfortable to you, such as activities you're not thrilled to do, let your dd see the effort.

Dont fuck her life up with boarding school when she's settled. It would be hideously cruel.

It’s definitely an older sister type relationship she has with x’s gf. Not one I cannot want to compete with. Thanks for the advice.

sounds like you are jealous and the sole reason for moving her to boarding school is to remove her from her current happy environment which doesn't feature you. If she isn't happy with you, she mustn't be happy with her dad and the girlfriend.

I don't understand also why a boarding school. If her not being with her dad plus a British education is so important to you, settle in the UK and be an actual parent. I think you have serious issues which you should explore further. your current mindset isn't remotely healthy or normal. Your jealousy comes above your child's happiness. It's awful. I hope this whole scenario isn't real.

I was sent to boarding school at the age of 12 in the UK from abroad (where I had lived from the age of 2 - so basically all I knew). I can't put into words how awful it was - losing friends when they are everything to you, losing everything else that is familiar etc.

Boarding school itself was a huge shock to the system - lack of privacy, no downtime, no getting away from other girls who had been cruel/ teasing etc during the day.

But this isn't really about boarding school per se, it's a warning that what happened to me changed me forever (not in a good way) and more relevantly totally broke my relationship with my family.

You say your daughter is acting as if she is 'going on 16' - I'd say that was just part of adolescence starting.

As others have said, just be there for her, it's not about what she can give you (hurtful as that is at times I am sure when she appears uncaring) but more about what you can give here: unconditional love, patience and a secure base.

She is no doubt also working through the fallout from the divorce.

Give her time, it's so precious. I wasn't given that time and it has affected my entire life through the kneejerk decision made to send me to school.

You might want that, but it may already be too late. How long has she lived in Spain? Ultimately, you cannot decide her identity.

She sounds pretty settled and happy. Why you would remove that in a time of instability, I don't know.

It is also very telling that you are not discussing this with her, or bothering with what she wants.

Absolutely don’t move her. Whatever happens in the future will happen, she’ll be older then and more accepting that parents need to move due to jobs etc.
The main thing is her happiness and she won’t ‘forget’ you - the gf is a novelty, she’s not a parent, which is probably why she’s close to her. Keep the communication going from your side, don’t let on you’re jealous and she will ‘come back’ to you however bleak it looks atm. Otherwise she might resent you for moving her to a school in a country she’s not familiar with and with no parents within 1000+ miles

'What I failed to explain is that while it is a boarding school it’s also a stones throw from lots of my family so she’d be with them a lot. It’s where I hope to resettle too before too long so it will be home.'

Why don't you give up your jet-setting job and settle down in England instead of cattling your daughter away from a life she's clearly enjoying and then saying 'ah she'll be fine because she's near family'

You sound so unbelievably nonchalant about your poor daughters feelings. Perhaps she's fed up of being moved from pillar to post by a mother who wants to send her away?

Is her younger sister the golden child? If she isn’t that’s how it’s going to seem. Oldest gets thrown out the place she feels safe to go to boarding school abroad, youngest stays at home until Mum can travel with her, then continues to have Mum nearby. Way to damage the relationship between the siblings as well!

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I'm not trying to stick the boot in, but you sound incredibly passive and detached about her. She's 11. Not 15. You should still have an element of authority at this age. You should also have her best interests at the forefront of your mind, rather than your own. There's an awful lot of 'I' in your posts and not a huge amount of reflection on the upheaval a move to England would cause, let alone that of being put in boarding school on top of that. Now is the time for you to get less passive, put in a bit of work (despite her seeming indifference). She might not show her appreciation, but it will be noticeable to her and will do you both the world of good in the long run.

I feel for you OP, I can imagine it must be hard with your dd choosing to live with her father and new partner. It sounds like she’s happy where she is and moving her to bearding school would just make her less likely to ever want to live with you again. She’s found stability at her dads and she’s happy, but I can imagine how hard that must be for you, I can’t imagine how I would feel if it was my dd.

It sounds like you want to send her away to get her away from her fathers new partner and to ruin the relationship she has with her in hope she will eventually come back to you? I think this would hugely backfire.

You basically want to move her to boarding school in England, then move yourself and your other dd over there? Where does the relationship with her father fit into this?

It sounds as if your divorce was messy for your DD and she has latched on to a person who represents none of that messiness …someone ‘cool’ to be with where she doesn’t have to be reminded of the trauma of your split.

Rejecting you is a symptom of the trauma. She is only 11, confused, hormonal and trying to comfort herself and make herself happy. This new relationship is important to her and she may well want to keep it regardless of what her parents are planning for her future. If that is the case, I would be trying to facilitate that until it fizzles out naturally in its own time.

I feel the best time to change schools for your DD is when you all, as a family, go back to the UK to live, so as not to single her out. So no need to board.
She may well take it as a punishment from you if you send her to board ahead of the rest of you.
Who could blame her for that !
I can’t see that it would improve your relationship to send her ahead of you all, quite the opposite.

You say your ex is also returning back to the same area in the UK, as both families live near each other. All the better for DD then, if you can work it so that her dad goes back at roughly the same time.

Communication is key here. DD doesn’t realise it but she does need you to continue banging your head against a brick wall for her. I understand how hard this is for you but you are her mum and her welfare comes first at this age.
She really needs her dad too. So it’s crucial to talk to your ex to find out his plans and see how best to dovetail both sets of plans for a smooth transition back to the UK for your DD who, as the oldest, has really been suffering.

She needs to feel you both working together to do your joint best for her. You both need to actively be on the same page for her and she needs to feel that joint love and support still.
It’s tricky now that you are divorced and no doubt you are relieved not to have to consider him any more, but I feel that's exactly what your DD needs, to help her heal.
Wishing you all the best of luck.

Absolutely this!
I’ve been that child, moved from pillar to post at a whim and used as a pawn in my parents’ divorce. Now as an adult, I don’t have much of a relationship with either parent and the hurt runs so deep it’s affected every aspect of my life.
Put your child first and don’t make any life changing decisions without her input.

I suggest you have a serious discussion with ex and say that you are worried that you are losing a relationship with DD and you would like his support in facilitating some more contact.
It's great you do some ferrying at the week events but you need some actual contact with your DD. Yes she doesn't want to but honestly I think it's important that she is told at 11 years old that she has to go to yours on a Eg Sunday afternoon. It doesn't have to impinge on her fun time with friends. You can even offer to host friends or drive her to friends. But right now you are seen as optional. The switching houses is a pain for the kids, honestly it is. But it is also important that they just accept that both parents are in their life. She may complain for the first few weeks but she will get used to it. And you just have to weather the tween grumpiness etc.

The solution to that is not to se d her away!. She will hate you if you so that. Your ex Is unlikely to agree anyway. You sound like my ex who is trying to force my kids to move to nigeria with him so they will have no choice but to like him!.

What you need to do is to be persistent, consistent with her. Keep trying to see her as much as possible. DONT move away, I would find another job that would allow you to stay where she is if you really value your daughter.

No, relatively few have waiting lists.

Haven't read every response but I was your daughter. Brought up overseas. Huge issues and changes to family life at the time. Sent back to boarding school. Hated every single second of it. 30 years later I still wake up crying sometimes, dreaming that I'm still there. Relationship with my parents never really recovered.

Please don't do this

Pointing out that unless you're planning to send her to a weekly boarding school (where she'd go to - your family? - saturday lunchtime), then ft boarding schools don't have many exeats per term. How well does she know your own family if you've lived abroad? Would they be on board to have her every weekend?
She'd go to a school far from both parents, not much contact with her maternal family either, just so you can make sure she doesn't cosy up too much with your exs partner Making you jealous? It'd drive a bigger wedge between you for sure. I appreciate its hard (it would rankle with me too) but shes only 11 fgs. Why not reframe and be thankful she gets on so well with your xpartners gf (is she doing more of the parenting than your ex?), learn some catalan together with your other DC, and make an effort like your daughter is doing?

OP, I just wanted to say that I think this is possibly just an age thing, you are not losing your DD.

I’m not divorced or an expat but my daughter went through exactly the same phase in years 7 and 8, so age 11 and 12.

She pushed me away, was rude, everyone was better than me. I’m sure if I was divorced and she had a different house to move into she would have like a shot.

By the end of year 8 she was a much nicer person. She understood her hormones, settled down completely and returned to the loving, open, fun girl she was with me when she was younger and we have an amazing relationship now.

Sending her away at this crucial time will not be good for her and she may end up resenting you for a long time. You just need to be consistent right now and wait it out.

Honestly I think the best thing you could do here is go to therapy yourself. Not that you suggested it in your OP but so often parents send children to therapy to fix them when actually it is a family problem that the children have no control over and are reacting to. That is definitely the case for your family. You sound very detached from the family and you don’t sound like you have the tools to navigate situations like this with your DD, that is where therapy for you would really help your family.

Your child is grieving for the loss of her family as she knew it and her behaviour with you has reflected that. You say you want to be closer to her and your ideas to achieve that are so far away from what your goal is. Your DD needs safe close relationships. It doesn’t sound like you are in a space to give her that and so she is looking elsewhere. Work on yourself, learn how to connect with your grieving teen daughter. That is what will help. Boarding school is so far off being the answer you have no idea of the damage you would do.

Same here - everyone I've ever known who was sent to boarding school was damaged by it.

OP, all I'm getting from you with this plan is "If I can't have a relationship with her, NOBODY can!"

see when you float the idea to your ex. Make sure you tell him the real reason you want to send your daughter away earlier than you’d planned. Just so he has all the facts…

You absolutely do NOT know she'd eventually love it there. No one can know that, and certainly not someone who doesn't even live with her. You sound spectacularly selfish. I'm very glad your daughter lives with two adults who love her and who make her happy, and you should be, too.

You are destroying the relationship with your elder dd. If you get your way from her perspective she would feel punished for getting close to another adult by a jealous parent and one that wouldn't stick up for her. Plus golden child gets to stay living with her family because she hasn't upset you.

She would be angry/miserable at a British school when to all intents and purposes she is Spanish. How happy will the wider family be to have to deal with the fallout? You seem to think that she will happily skip off to see family, but she may be worried about getting close to them in case her jealous mother rips her away again.

Don't kid yourself that you have always put your dc first. You have been entirely selfish. Your choice to own it and deal with the results or spend some time genuinely putting your dc first.

OP this all sounds tough for you all. I don't imagine a divorce was part of the plan when you moved abroad.

Going through a life event with young children is hard. You look up and suddenly see that your little child is gone and you have a bigger, more complex child that you might barely recognise and don't know how to parent.

I can see how a bit of you wants to take/send her "home", to wind the clock back, keep her young.

Adolescents and teens just keep pushing forward, wanting and needing to practise being more independent, more separate, develop their identity. You can't press pause on that. Sending her to boarding school will speed it up because she'll have to separate to get by because her parents and sister will be in another country.

Ex's girlfriend might feel like a less complicated more fun part of her life at the moment. That's not surprising even if it hurts.

I'm always sceptical of parents who claim that their children "love" boarding school. They just don't. There's a certain type of confident, outgoing child, probably good at games, who gets a lot out of the extra opportunities that are often available, but even they would, in my experience, rather do all of that in the context of living at home. There are also all too many children just coping with varying degrees of homesickness.

OP, it may seem like bribery but what the hell - can you start planning activities at the weekend that your oldest would specifically enjoy and start inviting her along? It needn't be anything expensive. That would be one way to see more of her and build up a relationship.