Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

[Kira4]

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup.

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot).

I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x.

Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

It just feels counterintuitive to fight with her to force her to spend time with me. It feels like that pushes her further away.

Thanks

What she's seeing is you not trying.

You are wanting to send her to boarding school because you're jealous of her having a good relationship with her Stepmum?! I can't imagine why your DD is seeking some distance from you.

You’ve said that you don’t have a good relationship with DD currently. I would suspect that this move would only serve to deepen that. If she is currently receiving a very good level of education at international school, is settled with friends and family at your exes, I’d be inclined to seek her opinion and explore the options together. If she looks up to the GF, however annoying it might be, it maybe an idea to table the concept with your ex and the GF, as you will want her other trusted adult advisors to back this idea too.

England is technically her home

Really? Bet she wouldn't say that. How long since she lived there?

Agree with so many others, if you do this, it's likely to ruin your relationship with her for good.

Ex’s new gf might be gone in a year , as others have said you are her MUM, I think you need to act like it. Stop thinking about boarding school and instead take your daughter out for an activity whatever she likes shopping swimming or even just a cafe it’s walk etc , tell her how much you love and miss her , do this a LOT.
It might be there’s a load of hurt going on inside her and she might look like she’s shrugging it off and still “ prefers” the gf . But then deep down she will know you love her unconditionally and in time it will help heal her. This new gf is just like when a new friend comes on the scene it’s all giggles and great fun, but you have a unique relationship you are her mum, you sound very passive like you are giving up on her letting them play happy families. Please show her you want to be in her life.

I think you need to find something you and DD1 enjoy together. Or if not something she likes that you can indulge her in. An activity (painting, horse riding, etc.)
I would make sure you don't criticise the gf, try to show interest in her and the new insights to the culture.
Your DD is at the start of a tricky age for girls anyway. Do not blame everything on the divorce. Do let her know there is always somewhere for her at your place. Keep reaching out, if only with texts or kitten videos.

And you need (and so does x) that maybe her home will not be the uk eventually.

Maybe you and x need to discuss.

Also although your younger one is more like you and "your shadow", do not ignore that this could also be a way for her to display her problems. Is she being cast as the "good child"? Which can be just as damaging as being the "bad one".

This is quite sad to read, no judgment, but lots to unpick.
My hunch would be the parts of personality you dislike / found hard in your ex. You see I your daughter. It's possible on a subconscious level, that you have less tolerance for this in your dd, which your dd (while not understanding) is picking up on. This will have an impact on your relationship.
You mention up thread your ex. goes for the easier parenting option of least resistance, so of course logically, your dd will want that; who doesn't want to be given freedoms VS been told what to do? Particularly 11 yr olds! Of course this will backfire eventually, and unfortunately it won't be a good outcome. Again potential'step-mum' is going to be more 'big-sister', she won't be telling your dd what to do (yet....depending on how the girlfriend and your ex develop their relationship that will likely change, and then there will be pushback).
She's angry and grumpy with you, because she needs someone to be angry and grumpy with. She doesn't want to blame her dad, and you are her 'safe' person. She knows you will love her unconditionally, so you will take the brunt of her hurt, her anger and all her negative emotions.
How to fix it? Well not be sending her to boarding school for a start! Seriously let this be dad's decision, not yours, because you are just giving her more reasons, to think it's all your fault, and to blame you even more!
Can I also recommend a book from the American Girl series called 'Just mom and me'? Dd and I went through a tricky stage (my dd is autistic and I was struggling with her behaviour when she was 9-11) then I stumbled on the American girl series in a second hand book shop...best buy ever!! The 'just mom and me' book completely changed our relationship! Dd is now 14, and we're closer than we've ever been, and so much is thanks to that book. The book takes in to consideration for all budgets, with a good range of free activities.
Don't be jealous of the relationships dd forms with your ex's girlfriend, love isn't 'topped' out, instead think about how you have raised a child who can love easily, and how that's a positive.
It's fine to feel hurt (it means you love and care about dd), but try and work on the jealousy, because you risk jeopardising your relationship with your dd.

All I can see here is a strong lack of communication OP between you, your X, your Xs girlfriend & your DD who is old enogh now to listen to how your feeling. Everything you have said in this thread is something you should all be having serious conversations about especially the fact you are worried you are losing your bond with your daughter. I would also be having a discussion with DHs girlfriend letting her know you appreciate how good she is with your daughter although you are concerned she is distancing herself from you which isn't good for her mental health in the long run. There is no guarantee of her becoming an official stepmother to your DD. If this became another broken relationship in her life it would damage her even more so I agree with you this situation definitely needs attention.

@Kira4 this thread has made me weep this am- for myself and all the other boarding school kids who lost their relationships with both parents due to the school experience .You risk seriously traumatising your daughter if you send her to boarding school- at the moment she has 1 parent who she sees every day, who she has a good relationship with,who loves and cares for her as a parent should. You wish to send her away to school where she has no one when she is already struggling with her parents divorce? In what world is that going to help her or help her relationship with you? Please google "boarding school survivor syndrome". Many of us go through tough times with our children, many challenges arise at puberty and teenagerhood, you just have to hang in there and be as open and supportive as possible.

I won’t continue the pile on re boarding school, or add the excellent advice already proffered. However what I will say is to watch the continuous comparison of your DD to your X. My mum did this to me constantly, always saying that I was just like my dad and it was never a compliment. I hated it. I felt I was being blamed for something I couldn’t help. My brother on the other hand was more similar to my mum and so looked on more favourably.

As another commenter mentioned, it seems you’re seeing traits in your daughter that you found difficult in your partner. But she is your child, not your ex. I think therapy for yourself to dig into this would help. It’s not nice as a child to feel like your parent doesn’t like you. The pre teen and teenage years aren’t easy, but ultimately she’s developing her own sense of self and personality. You can’t control that and shouldn’t want to. Try to see what is unique and beautiful about her. I don’t see much of that in your comments.

You need to persevere for the next 7 years. You're her mum. Sending her away is going to demonstrate that you can't be bothered to keep trying or that you want to punish her.
It's not her fault that you and your ex both prioritise your own new relationships and careers ahead of your children.

If you're driving her to her activities each week then you are seeing her. Other than that keep on offering her activities that she likes, tell her you'd love her to come and be with you. Do that every weekend. Don't try and tell her off or make her feel guilty. Demonstrate that you love her and are going to put her first.

I agree with a pp that she's probably pushing you away to test you and see if you are willing to make the effort.

I would absolutely not send her away from you for several years at least. If necessary, sacrifice your career to keep living with or close to her. This is worth more than money or fancy lifestyles.

Of course she is! Wouldn't you be? She loves the girlfriend and isn't interested in her mother.

Though there must be more to it and I'm not sure pulling her away is the answer

Family counselling might be a better option

@Kira4 I actually see where you're coming from. I grew up abroad moving countries a lot and went to boarding school at 10. It does give you stability when your parents move every few years.

Taking a step back, I'd consider the school you're planning on sending her to. Do most children start in Y7 - age 11/12 - or do they have a bigger intake at 13? It makes a difference to how she may settle in.

Also I think your future plans and your X's are quite important. If he or you are staying in Spain for the next 5 years or so, there's no reason why she can't continue her education there. By the time she leaves, she'll be 16 and quite independent. Although it can be tricky in terms of fitting in education systems. If she's doing the IB, there are only some schools in the UK that do it.

If on the other hand, you have jobs like my parents did where you move every 3 years and you're halfway through a posting, the case for moving her becomes slightly different. And if you do move, are you likely to go back to the UK, in such case boarding school may not be necessary.

I'm trying to take some off the emotion out of these posts as I think you're being given quite a hard time. I can see the logical reasons, having come from that background.

I went to boarding school twice. Once when I was 11 - and it was very much to send me away as things at home were difficult. It was a sink or swim moment and I learnt very quicly how to cope without any parents. My house mistress was absolutely nothing like a mother, she was stern, impatient, unloving. I became the class clown to make people like me. I absolutely understood that I had been sent away because my own family was too messy to look after me.

I think your DD will know there are other motivations to sending her to boarding school, that it will work for you, not necessarily her.

i do really sympathesise with you though. i can't imagine how tough it is to see your DD and the new GF form this close bond without you - i think new partners and step kids bond is great but v tough if at expense of relationship with you. she needs her mum. she will realise that in time. but don't do anything that could cause even more upset.

Sending her away sounds like a terrible idea. Would you be moving back to UK with her?

Why don't you learn to speak Catalan, if you live there?

You reap what you sow op. As you are already finding out.

I won’t repeat what everyone else has said (which I agree with) but I can’t help feeling your DD must be feeling very disempowered & lost. She’s been moved around a lot because of your jobs & then witnessed your break up. Now it sounds like she’s feeling quite settled in Spain & you want to move her! The thing is whether you like it or not you moved her to Spain in the first place! I can’t think of many 11 year olds that would prefer life in a dreary English boarding school to living somewhere warm & vibrant like Spain. How are you actually going to get her to go anyway? I doubt your ex will go along with it.

Just because it’s not the relationship you want right now doesn’t mean there isn’t, or never will be, a relationship. If you are doing school runs/activities then you are literally there for her if, and I’m sure at some point when, she needs you. Sometimes a parent’s job is to stand at the sidelines and be the available support however uncomfortable that can feel. She will feel your presence even if you’re not as exciting for her at the moment. Teenagers are selfish beings, they’re figuring themselves out and they don’t think about how they might be hurting their parents as they just accept they are there. Slowly try and figure out if there’s a reason she doesn’t want to see you, it could just be life is exciting for her at the moment elsewhere. She could just need space. I didn’t want to see my dad after my parents spilt, I was 12 and it was a really tough time but he was always there ready for the moment I was ready. He also got a dog which was bribery basically but it worked and helped repair the relationship.
But I think being sent abroad where you can’t physically be there for her if she needs you would be so hard. Maybe there will be family but it won’t be her parents.

I think you have had many good responses here and am glad you have decided to reconsider. I wanted to also add my tuppence worth.. feel free to ignore..

Therapy is not just for when you are struggling, it is a time and space to reflect and many people believe we would all benefit from this all the time. I think you would benefit from time and space to reflect and consider the possibilities for your family. Ideally, family therapy, even if you are the only one attending.

Home: her home is not England, growing up as an expat kid is not the same as growing up in the place where all your extended family live, where you were born or the country who's passport you hold. Her experience of belonging, home and family are very different to yours. Try to see this from her perspective and let go of the idea that going back to England will reset all of this in her... recognise the person she is, the one that her life experiences to date has moulded.

Boarding school: full on scheduled time with short time slots to fit in family visits / exeats is nothing like growing up around family. Even if she has good relationships with some family members, this is way to build polite interactions, not intimacy and deep relationships. This will not fill her emotional needs. Do not underestimate the link between boarding school and attachment issues, anorexia, mental health issues.

The danger of roles: You are all playing roles, you describe yourself, your estranged daughter, your ex, his girlfriend, the daughter (s?.. not sure if there is more than one with you) .. these roles are not fixed, framing everyone in this way is harmful, it affects their ability to step outsides frames, for you to see them in different ways and it affects how other people behave.. your younger daughter who you describe as your shadow may be your shadow in response to the relationship you have with your older daughter.. it may not be her true self, whatever that may be.. but the situation will be impacting her too. You say your older daughter, is like her dad and you do not like her dad... ergo... you do not like her... you may not say this in words, but if you think this, she will feel it. She has picked a side, but she shouldn't have to.

She is 11!! She needs you to guide her, to support her, to teach her.. she didn't ask to be born, to be moved around, to have fleeting relationships with relatives she is expected to identify with, to have her parents marriage and therefore her stability, her identity and understanding of herself break up. She has not asked to be sent away from her parents, sister(s) and friends.

Read, read, read.... How to talk so your kids will listen, Hold on to your kids, there are probably many many more... even when they are adults, we can support, listen and be there for our children... allowing them to be independent is not the same are teaching them to develop healthy relationships.

I wish you the very best... no person, no family, no situation is perfect. I am struggling on a number of fronts and finding it hard to let go of mistakes, decisions that had unintented consequences and to see the choices that are in front of us rather than the paths that are laid out from our previous perspectives.. we are not where we thought we would be a few years ago so the things we thought then are no longer 100% correct or even relevant. I hope you can reframe your situation and go forward positively doing best for your family.

Your dad getting a dog is really sweet 🥰

OP, I know this has been a bit of a pile on, but have you taken on board the key message that posters are trying to get you to listen to? Moving your child to a new school, new country where neither of her parents live is not going to give her that stability that she lost when your relationship with ex broke down or bring back closeness in her relationship with you.

You say you intend to move back to that area - what about ex? Does dd see the younger sibling?

I think before making any schooling decisions you need to get some first steps right.

Start rebuilding your and dd's relationship, spending time together doing things of her choice.

Have a proper talk with ex about where the two of you are planning to live for the secondary school years of your kids and where and what type of schools you both agree will suit them.

Then start to make those happen.

Please don't uproot a young adolescent girl who went "off the rails" a little bit at the start of puberty when your and ex's relationship broke down, right at the point she is settling and having a good relationship with your ex and dh to move her somewhere that you aren't even there. I think forcing that really would be the nail in the coffin of your relationship. And if I was your ex I would not allow it in a million years.

She’s not 11 going on 16. She’s 11. It doesn’t matter if she’s ’acting older’ she’s not. Traumatised children do this, act older than their years. It’s a protective mechanism. I’m talking from experience. It’s a way to survive.

Just listen to her, notice what she’s saying, engage, show interest. Before bedtime is always a good time to just check in, don’t give up on things like tucking her into bed. Don’t let her spend all her time on her phone, pulling funny faces etc on photos. It’s time to connect on a real emotional level. Don’t make rash decisions. What’s needed here is you re-building your emotional bond with your daughter. Forget the GF, she doesn’t matter, your child, it’s your love for your child. Choose to be present with her when you can. Sit together, draw, paint, talk, eat, sit close and hug her. Show her love.

Apologies if this has already been discussed, I've read the OPs posts but only dipped into the rest of the thread.

If boarding in England is the plan then I think this does need to be discussed in some detail with your daughter from now. Were you thinking in terms of going at 13/yr 9? My daughter's senior school took most from yr 9 but had a significant international student intake at yr 10, so that will be possible in at least some schools. The sooner you are looking at where she might go, if it is before 6th form, the more likely it is you will find the right school for your daughter. The school you have connections with and would be able to get her a place at easily may be a good choice for her, or it may not - I'd suggest contacting some potential schools (being in hailing distance of relatives is however an excellent priority), finding out their admissions timetable (some are very long, if she was a boy you'd already be rather too late for several, for 13), and deciding which and when to visit with your daughter.

If these visits, or at least some of them, can be done with her father along as well that would be incredibly helpful in presenting a consistent approach, eg "we think this will be a good option for you but you need to help decide on the school".

Boarding next year should only be an option if she responds strongly to initial discussions that are framed in terms of 2 (or 3) years' time.

There is definitely an age, probably earlier with girls than with boys, when having them captive on car trips gives you a chance to keep communication channels open as they may choose to do anything other than talk to you anywhere else!

Whatever the next few years bring, I think you just need to focus on being there for both your daughters, as conditions permit. As others have said, being the one doing the boring stuff will eventually be recognised, and if you are showing your love for her in practical ways, and still being a parent where you are able to, making your own boundaries clear and so on, at some point she will grow up enough to acknowledge it.

Good luck and best wishes.