Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

[Kira4]

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup.

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot).

I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x.

Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

You keep saying she'd "love it", which sounds incredibly blinkered given that a) many people don't love boarding (especially at 11 and in such unhappy circumstances as a divorce), and b) your whole post is because your daughter is a stranger to you now and all signs are that you don't know what she'd love at all.

Or rather it's pretty clear that what she wants is to stay where she is with her friends, sisters, dad and his DP, in Spain where she has lived for years and given that she's only 11, that means it's her home, not somewhere 'technically' her home where your family is.

I'm sorry but you need to get therapy for yourself. The screaming subtext of your posts is so selfish. You're not coping with your DD rejecting you for your ex's DP so you're wanting to 'pitch' sending her away from every bit of stability she has left. At age 11! You're not thinking about her. You're thinking about you. It's untenable.

Just because you've 'always' talked about sending her away to boarding school doesn't mean it has to happen now or ever. You didn't plan to divorce. The situation has changed. It's you who's rigidly trying to stick to this plan for some misplaced sense of stability and control. Let go of it and go through the life that is actually happening. It's not easy but you don't get to outsource it and tell yourself how much she'll love it. Face the reality, with help, even if it's painful. Don't fuck her up and make her hate you for life.

Separate to the boarding school part of this, does your daughter see the UK as home? Or has she grown up in Spain as a child of expats, and you and her father see the UK as home?

Because the 2 are not the same thing - and even if your plan has always been for her to go to the UK for boarding school, she might not have fully understood this and what it means. I was sent to the UK for boarding school at secondary school, while my family stayed abroad for another year or so. (It damaged relations between us considerably, fwiw, despite me being able to see as an adult that they thought they were doing the right thing.) And I did think of myself as British, but I'd grown up abroad and had no conception of what that actually meant. And living there for the first time as a teenager was not easy. All my cultural and societal references were different, my understanding of how things should work was not the same, and they because I was ostensibly British, there was no allowance made for this. Fitting in was hard, even into the limited world of a boarding school.

It was a long time ago, and things might have improved on the integration front. But I wouldn't assume that just because the UK is home to you and your ex that it will necessarily be so for your kids, even if they do also identify as British.

And I definitely wouldn't rush the move - if it's to have any chance of long term success, everyone needs to be enthusiastic about it. It doesn't sound like this is going to be the case imminently...

Also everyone is assuming the X is a dad, but I’ve seen no reference to “he” by the OP, they could just as easily be another mum…

Ah, yes, one of those traditional lesbian couples who plan to send all their kids to boarding school then split up and one quickly moves on to a younger woman. It's not impossible but I don't think people are wrong to assume the ex is the dad. What difference does it make to the issue at hand anyway?

Thanks

OP why can't your daughter live with you (even if going to a British school), why does she have to be boarding?

Or why can't you consider changing your plans and heading back to the UK earlier than you expected, to ensure your eldest child is in one place for high school? You don't seem to prioritise your children's needs, OP. Fundamentally, that seems like the biggest issue.

I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I know it must be really hard and photos don't tell the whole story but it's so telling that you think shed 'love' boarding school, but haven't known how to make her happy and relaxed around you for years. Here she is doing something she loves and confronted with that image, your instinct is to send her away from it into another world with nothing she knows. And please don't say it's near your family again. You don't even live near them yourself.

You want to send her to boarding school because you’re jealous of the relationship she’s having with dads Gf. I think that’s very selfish and your DD could be very unhappy with that set up.

Don't do it.
Not now, not later.
Look up Boarding School Syndrome.

(I went to boarding school. It wasn't all awful but the awful bits were truly terrible)

I do have a new partner but he doesn’t live here (or in uk) so he doesn’t have any kind of day to day contact with the girls. I’m ok with that as although very happy I’m in no rush to complicate things further. He has a nice relationship with youngest but none at all with d1.

Get the ball rolling for the uk boarding school . Your dd doesn’t have to go but it’s good to check out the options. Perhaps when your dd is in the uk you and her can spend time together in her other country of nationality. It sounds like you don’t get much say so in Spain but the uk is your place of origin so you are in the driving seat.

I feel for you OP, you want a loving relationship with your daughter but you don’t know what to do. Boarding school is not it.

Sending her away will not work.

A cold hard look at your own life is a good place to start. Perhaps your career? By your own admission you’ve moved around a lot. Both will be detrimental to your relationship with your daughter, although I know that will be hard to hear.

I honestly think getting professional therapy and you putting your daughter BEFORE your job and salary is the starting point. That will include making very difficult sacrifices that I know you are already forming excuses for in your mind.

Good luck OP.

Bloody hell, you want to uproot your poor child AGAIN and stick her where she knows nobody, even though she has a life now, friends etc! A lot of people dont fare well at boarding school, it can affect them their whole lives, she's been through a lot already, start thinking of her for a change

No OP you need to start working on your relationship with her and start getting her ready for moving back to the UK. Your ex and you sound like you've let her do what she wants because you feel guilty.

Boarding school can work well, mine flexi boards but for your DD not now, and possibly not at all for your DD who sounds like she could benefit from some therapy.

I'm in contact with a lot of my old school friends.
Some of our cohort have been NC with their parents because of school. Be very very careful.

Taking the boarding school side out but my ex moved away from the area we all live in and his relationship with the children has deteriorated. The children are older now and have their own lives at weekends and don’t always want to visit him. He doesn’t make the effort to visit when they are free.

From what I’ve observed it has to be the parent who makes the extra effort because children do start building their own lives once they are secondary school age.

I think sending her to boarding school will break your relationship forever. She sounds like she’s finding her feet with her father and maybe her feelings should be taken into account and not just yours. Have you considered that if you do this, when she turns 18 she will get on a plane and that will be it? Let the relationship with the gf play out, and be there for your daughter.

So the main reason you want to send your daughter away, even though you know she doesn't want to go, is because you think she's too happy atm?

I understand it must be difficult for you seeing her have fun with this new gf. But it sounds like it's great for your daughter! Do you get any one-to-one time with her, or do you always have her little sisters with you? Fwiw I wouldn't be letting her call all the shots at 11. If you know she doesn't want to come to you for the whole weekend, you could at least book dinner for just the two of you on a Friday night, say, and tell her that's what's happening.

If you do this, your relationship with her will deteriorate further. She won't thank you. She may well not love it eventually, despite you being convinced that she will.
Your poor daughter. She's happy where she is. Leave her be.

Is the exH girlfriend much younger? I am wondering if the attraction is as a “big sister” relationship rather than as a proper parent. She sounds like a good person but who knows, they might not even last. It’s irrelevant. But ask her not to join you at every activity!
Your role is to be there: boringly consistent, cheerful, doing the lifts, focusing on practical things like clubs, clothes and school. Be as present as possible so that the accusation that you stepped back can’t be levelled at you.

Try mixing things up a bit - have you snapchat to do streaks (for example) with her? That way she sees what you’re doing every day. B-reel might be fun if you both get into it (post 13). Look for the older daughter things to do rather than just the standard sleepover/contact time and don’t expect too much from a teenage girl. They can be very self-centred: it’s all about them and friends at this age.

Im not perfect but Im not entirely awful either. We were extremely close until the break up. If anything she was a bit immature for her age and I worried I babied her too much before but now she’s 11 going on 16. None of us handled things the best and I made mistakes I wish I could turn back the clock on but I can’t and she’s less interested in repairing the relationship with me with every passing day. As she’s the eldest I’ve never experienced this before so the book tips are helpful. It might well be a phase that passes but I’m also afraid if I don’t catch it now then I’ve no hope of a good relationship with the young woman she’ll be soon

You want to drive your DD further apart by sending her to boarding school in UK? is this what she wants? Have you spoken to her?

Who do you know she is going to love it? She may be resentful with you for life. Being separated from both parents. Please be patient and be there for her; hopefully she will come back to you

A few questions OP, I hope you don’t mind!

What happened in the divorce, what drove it?

Did you go to full boarding yourself?

Are you having therapy on your own? Because it sounds like this is a very difficult and painful time for you, almost like you’re lashing out without knowing it, sticking to an idealised plan in a life that’s now blown to smithereens, that will take your DD from your ex and his gf just like they’ve taken her from you.

It really doesn’t sound like the ex is working hard enough to support his daughter to have a good relationship with you, and she may well resent that when she grows up.

There can be a huge amount of anger and pain for children when their parents divorce.

I can see why this situation would be upsetting for you, but it seems like your idea to move her to a boarding school is down to wanting to get her away from her dad and his new partner. Before worrying about boarding schools I'd be making a really big effort to sort the relationship out