Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

[Kira4]

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup.

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot).

I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x.

Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

Young people are desperate to move out of UK, including Spain. The country is falling apart and the NHS is in tatters. Stay, I'd say. Learn Catalan- get on with life, and stay near your daughter.

BTW, expat children who go to local schools rather than British schools, also have a totally different experience, with local friends and activities. Private 'expat' schools have a really high turnover, friends keep moving away. It's tough emotionally- for those moving on, and those who remain.

No problem @Keepthosenamesgoing . I understand what you meant and agree with you on paper but there are so many emotions involved that the reality becomes different. As much as there’s part of me that would love x to become the bad cop who ‘forced’ her to come with me I just don’t know that that would achieve the objective and could just result in her hating us both and not just me anymore.

So why not just wait until you're ready to move back too & then it won't be just your family that she turns to but you aswell. Also, the fact that she's such a good linguist could benefit her massively in the future, especially Spanish, so I'd leave her be for now &:allow her language skills to improve even further. I think if you moved her away now, she might view it as you wanting to get rid of her, that she is some kind of problem for you. Leave it yil the time you had originally planned & get yourself sorted so you can move back together.

So your daughter has decided she prefers to be somewhere else and you want to move her so that she can't be with your ex's GF. This is just plain mean.

@HulaChick shes becoming more distant from me all the time and at this rate I’ll have no relationship with her in another few years when we may be in a position to relocate. I appreciate that very many here don’t feel her being in England is a solution either but I do want to something before I lose her totally and she enters her teens.

Just wondering how you envisage your dd agreeing to move back to England with you for boarding school, given that she only wants to live with her dad?

Also if dd refuses to come to you can you consider going to your ex’s house for eg lunch with her? Or some sort of activity which is set every weekend so you both do have time together. I think you need to do something, I agree with PP that she’s pushing boundaries because she’s so angry at you, and kids want to know they are loved - but accepting the status quo means she can see you’re not fighting for her (even if in your eyes you do still care which I understand).

@Kira4 - yes, I can understand that you're concerned about your relationship with her. Have you spoken to the girlfriend about it & her relationship with your daughter? Would you be able to ask her to subtly talk to your daughter about how important it is to stay close to her Mum, encourage her to spend time with you etc? If she's nice, she might be a good ally for you? Whatever, happens, hopefully your daughter will realise how important you are to her & will move through this.

Don't you see that it

a) makes no sense
b) is counterproductive
c) is selfish and vindictive

To send her to the UK to boarding school because you are jealous the the friendships and relationships she has here. If you cant have her, she'll have no one eh...

No I’ve never had a conversation like that with gf. Gf didn’t have a relationship with dds until dd1 decided to be there full-time so none of us (adults) had a chance to really plan or coordinate how that relationship might form.

I absolutely am jealous of relationship gf currently has with d and hold my hands up to that but it’s not my primary emotion

She's 11. Surely she doesn't get to dictate if you sees you or not. Your ex needs to drop her off to you every other weekend.

Gf is a temporary person, and is not invested in your child in the way you are. I would be planning the best weekends ever over the summer, you can win her over and build her trust if you want to.

It's perfectly normal for pre-teens and teens to move away from their parents. You're overthinking this. If you were still with your ex your DD would be up in her room. Just keep taking her to her clubs. Be present in her life. I'd tell your ex that she has to come to yours for at least a couple of hours every other weekend.

Whatever you do, don't send her away to boarding school. You really will lose her then.

@Kira4

If you were able to sit down with her this weekend, over cake and coffee, for instance and were to say to her that, because she is 11, you need to start thinking about where she should go to school in the future, with a view to taking her GCSEs and her A Levels, what do you think she would say?

You could say that it's something that you need to discuss with her Dad, but that you wanted to hear her views on the matter and take them into consideration.

If you did have that conversation and asked her where she would like to go to school and whether she would prefer day or boarding, what do you think she would say at this point?

I think you're a lot more likely to lose her if you're the driver to move her away from where she is happy.

Doing something should be insisting on your contact time with her, doing nice things together, going to family therapy together, trying to rebuild the relationship and understand why it has broken down.

Not sending her away.

It sounds like she’s settled and not wanting to move around anymore.

I can imagine it’s really hard but if she’s happy, maybe you should leave her where she is.

Not wanting to see you at the weekend, I bet that’s hard, I can imagine it’s the same for a lot of Dads. She should really try to make time for you though.

Jesus Christ is this a wind up?

You want it send her away because she had found stability with her dad and his GF?

How narcissistic can you get 😲

And this too will pass. Boarding school is not the answer. Let her be, see her as much as she is willing, and when with her LISTEN to her. She’s trying to work out who she is, whilst the world she knew has shifted from beneath her. Sending her further away will do so much damage. Please, for her sake, don’t do it.

@BlondeFool its not been that simple unfortunately. For quite a while x was essentially forcing her to come to me but she resisted more and more. D1 can be x’s Achilles heel especially when he sees her upset but he’s by no means a soft touch and it’s pretty much unheard of for her to actively fight/defy him as she is over this. His family are also always in his ear guilt tripping him about d1 and I know she had a good old moan about me to them over the summer. As I said I don’t even think him forcing her will achieve what I really want which is for her to want to be with me and might even set it back further and could just damage the relationship she at least has with him right now.

I think it's brilliant that your DD has learned Catalan and has local friends. As someone who spent part of my childhood abroad (and attended local schools), I was always a bit shocked by the expat kids who didn't want to learn the language or integrate into the community. Your DD has spent several years in Spain (3? 4?) and clearly has a strong connection to the country. She's also at the age when she is naturally starting to pull away from her parents a bit and establishing her own identity. The divorce obviously has had an impact on her emotionally, perhaps accelerating and intensifying these natural tendencies.

I can understand your feelings are hurt that she is choosing to spend time with her dad and his girlfriend. That is also 100% natural. But sending her to boarding school or moving back to the UK sooner than you had anticipated are not in her best interests IMO. Let her explore her identity. At the same time, find ways to strengthen your relationship. I know the latter may seem difficult, and she may continue to reject you emotionally as she works through her feelings about the divorce, but just keep trying. I hope that doesn't sound glib, it's not meant to.

We sorted of did have that conversation last night. I wasn’t necessarily prepared for it as X initiated it with her but I’m glad now that we did. She wasn’t outright opposed to the idea of going to England and liked the thought of being close to the family etc as well as many things about the school but was also conscious of the things she’d miss here so not something she or any of us could form a firm opinion on immediately.

"she’d hate the idea but I also know she’d eventually love it there."
^
Eventually. And in the mean time she'd be miserable.

Also loving how everyone is assuming ex is her dad when OP has only ever used they/them/thier....^

Not glib at all. Appreciated.

Btw what a wasted opportunity for expat kids to not integrate or learn the language. D still keeps in touch with friends from France she made when she was tiny so no chance she’d ever lose touch with her Spanish community.

I know she had a good old moan about me to them over the summer
So what is it she is moaning about you? Can you work on this?

Kids either moan about a parent because they have more rules than the other parent. In that case, it's tough and indeed they grow out of it.

Or they do have a point about some of the behaviour of the parent and listening to their feelings and some reflections can really help rebuild the relationship. In then end, any child want the love and attention of their mum.

You are seeing the gf as a rival when she is a support. Without the gf your relationship with your dad probably would still not be amazingly close - she'd already chosen to move out.
Let her be, be present, be friendly, be her mother not vying to do 'silly dances' with her. And fgs don't send her away because she's made a friend you are jealous of.